Previously: Dick is a dick. Professor Landry is cuckolding the Dean. Logan alibis Mercer for one of the rapes but doesn’t run into burning buildings often enough for Veronica’s taste. And in a scene pulled straight from my worst nightmares, Logan and his shiny-eyed sad puppy face actually watch Veronica avoiding his calls. Seriously, I already think about that every time I press the “ignore” button on my phone, but thanks for reinforcing that paranoia, show. Patty Hearst is about to vote the Greeks off campus, and it’s all so meta and awesome that it doesn’t matter that she’s a terrible actress. Also, hey, did you hear? Hearst has its very own serial rapist.Your standard frat party, with music and spirits and general debauchery. Piz and Mac (Mac!) are standing amidst the wackiness looking a little like they both smell something really gross. Which they probably do. I’ve been to those parties. Anyway, Mac asks if Piz has seen Veronica, which he hasn’t, not in a while. They both look fretful, and for good reason, as we cut to that scary chase from the promos, where Kristin Bell is doing that thing where she looks absolutely terrified and it scares the crap out of you because Veronica doesn’t make that face unless some serious shit is going down. It’s very effective. She’s really freaking out, running down halls and up stairs like she’s Jamie Lee Curtis. She winds up in front of Chez PizWallace, banging on the door and calling out for them to no avail. She slumps to the floor and we see she’s been roughed up a little, which makes me angry. That ominous be-loafered shadow approaches and we fade to black just as her big terrified eyeballs work their way up to its face. I should mention that underneath this whole sequence is that Fatboy Slim song “Right Here Right Now,” which for whatever reason works quite well in terms of really solidifying my tingly creeping dread. Credits.
A title card tells us it’s TWO DAYS EARLIER. Whew. And also, crap. In the quad, Nish and the other members of the Hearst College chapter of Feminists Exaggerated For Comic Effect are parading around on a huge Mardi Gras float featuring a giant pig as a Pi Sig effigy. Patty Hearst seems to have made good on her promise to kick the frats off campus next semester. Veronica and I both wonder if Lillith House maybe has better things to do with its time and money, what with the rapist running around and all, but I guess even the most Comically Exaggerated feminist can’t resist an opportunity to employ crepe paper and glue guns.
Logan and Dick come out of class. Veronica exchanges some snarky banter with Dick, as the giant Mardi Gras float goes by, she marvels at how well they’ve captured Dick’s likeness, and he responds by dropping trou and thrusting his butt in their general direction. “Touché, Mr. Casablancas!” they reply jovially. No, they don’t. Logan does, however, call him a “master debater.” Heh.
Logan’s still wearing that shiny-eyed sad puppy face, all shifty and avoidy with Veronica, who’s actually acting more like his girlfriend than we’ve seen in a long time. She asks him if something is wrong, and holy crap, the credits are actually still popping up on the screen and already Logan just blurts out that he can’t do this anymore. But! But! “This isn’t working” he says, “and I don’t think I quite measure up to the person you want me to be, and I just can’t take feeling like a disappointment anymore.” Oh Christ. We’re four minutes in and I already feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. This is beyond Schmoopy Logan, this is worse, this is resigned, given up, beat down Logan, and it breaks my heart. Veronica starts to interrupt but he won’t let her. She’s not built to let people help her, he says, but he’s not built to stand on the sidelines. Oh man. And I’m reminded of when Veronica directly admonished Duncan thusly: “You stand idly by.” Which at the time was like, ooohh, burn! But Logan couldn’t stand idly by for all the steroid piñatas in Mexico and she can’t handle that either? Come on, Veronica! Appreciate the irony, at least! The way Logan sees it they have a choice: “a tough but survivable amount of pain now,” or “unbearable pain later.” Logan’s leaning toward Option A. Veronica says nothing, just stands idly by. He’s always here, if she needs anything. God, Jason Dohring would just kick ass on “America’s Next Top Shiny-Eyed Sad Puppy Face.” He’s killing me. Veronica persists in failing to say a single word as he kisses her on the forehead. Sigh. “But you never need anything.” Logan finishes, and damn! He’s just devastated. Veronica stands so very idly by. She seems blindsided, and I guess she knows Logan didn’t say a single thing she can really argue with. She just stares as he walks away. Very nicely written and performed. Emmys all around!
Weevil is working on Dean O’Dell’s TV. They exchange some manly boxing small talk as Weevil gets the Dean’s fancyass TV working. He’ll swing by later to install the HD receiver. As he’s leaving, Mrs. O’Dell comes in to switch car keys with the Dean – he’s going to have to take the minivan tonight, cause she just got called up to Sacramento. I’ll just bet she did. She hugs him and says she’ll be home tomorrow. We all think dirty thoughts.
They’re interrupted by his secretary, who says there’s a man here to see him that doesn’t have an appointment and won’t put out his cigar. Cigar man: “Cyrus! We need to talk.”
Mel, which is what Cyrus calls him, has kind of a James Gandolfini thing going, so it’s pretty clear that he’s the kind of guy you don’t want to piss off. His favorite part of his Hearst experience, he says, was hanging out on the porch of his frat house. He loved his time at Hearst so much, in fact, that he’s been very generous to the college over the years. Hasn’t he been generous, Cyrus? We know where this is going, and so does Dean O’Dell, who has the Ed Begley Juniorest quizzical/apprehensive look on his face as we cut to the lunch line in the cafeteria.
Veronica is staring at her lunch tray. Mac and Wallace (Mac! AND Wallace!) are in line with her, each rocking a truly hilarious awkward pity face. Mac: “Veronica?” “I’m fine!” Veronica interrupts, protesting way too much. “I know! But it would be okay if you weren’t.” Aw, Mac. Wallace is doing some funny vaguely supportive mumbly crosstalk of his own. Veronica says she just told them because she thought they should know. Just relaying information. Nothing to see here, folks. “I’m not looking for a pity party.” Wallace: “That’s good, cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.” Ha. At this point Piz walks up, oblivious: “Hey gang! What’s the word? Is it ‘avuncular?’” HA. I laughed out loud at that every time. Everyone just stares at him, but he keeps going, telling everyone to listen to his radio show tonight. Wallace and Mac continue to glare at him, their wary awkward pity faces unwavering.
Keith is in the Mars Investigations kitchen with the Dean. He can’t shake this feeling that Mindy is fooling around with her young attractive assistant, Wally, who’s always going on these “business trips” with her. Keith agrees to check up on Mrs. O’Dell in Sacramento. He’s in the living room later, jotting down his hotel information for Veronica when she walks in. Keith can see something’s wrong. She sort of shrugs and says she and Logan broke up. “I’m sorry to hear that,” says Keith somberly, but he’s probably really not. Still, he sees Veronica’s sad and swears he can cancel his trip if she needs him, but no, she’s fine. Once he’s gone, she gets in the shower and just breaks down completely. Which yes, is a cliché, but there’s a reason it’s a cliché, which is that it’s exactly what girls like Veronica do. She’s really good at her brave face, but that Steely Resolve just melts right away in that steamy water. She’s sad, and it breaks my heart.
Piz’s radio show. They’re talking about what to do with all the imminently vacant Greek real estate. Piz exposits that the Dean has once again declined his invitation to appear on the show. Just then, though, the door opens and Cyrus just strolls right in, asking which chair is his. He sits at the mike and delivers a monologue about how one of the board members’ votes had to be thrown out, and he’s the tiebreaker, so the Greeks stay. The fact that he says all this like he’s reading it off an index card, then abruptly takes off, leads us to assume that he came to this decision by way of a certain “generous” cigar-smoking friend of the college.
Now it’s Dick et al parading through campus going “Wooo!” In a Hummer, naturally. Dean O’Dell is creeping through the craziness in the aforementioned minivan, listening to “Have You Never Been Mellow,” which is hilarious. In the parking lot, though, Olivia Newton-John gets all ominous, as some seriously pissed off Comically Exaggerated Feminists close in on him, pelting his van with the titular eggs and spit. And I mean, I went to college, I know these kinds of women exist, but I wish at some point during this whole arc we could have met some women’s activists who aren’t, you know, insane. Like, they’re actually shaking the van from side to side, LA Riots-style. I’m going to assume this is meant to illustrate that politics can make a good cause lose sight of the real issues. Right, Rob Thomas? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Some time later the Dean walks in to his office, telling his secretary he wants the roster of all the women of Lillith House. Keith is waiting for him – he doesn’t have an appointment, she begins, but Cyrus interrupts her and tells him to come right in. “So. Whatcha got?” he asks Keith, and we all cringe, because Cyrus has had a crappy couple days, and this is going to suck. But no, actually, Keith is happy to report that he doesn’t have a cheating wife, just a broken GayDar. She stayed in her room, Wally went to The Boathouse and Oil Can Harry’s. Whew! Except we know better. Cyrus is ashamed that he ever doubted her. Sigh. At this point the secretary, who really needs a name at this point, interrupts, saying he really needs to see this. It’s a classified ad in the paper: “I’ll choose my next victim at the Pi Sig party tomorrow night. You’ve been warned.” Only in all-caps. There’s no need to shout, Hearst Rapist. Sheesh.
Parker’s in the quad at a little information booth showing Veronica the ad from the newspaper. She says the rapist is getting cocky. Veronica reads my mind and says “Or Nish just wants to scare girls away.” Parker says it’s not working, because she’s already given out about a hundred of these cool magic coasters that have special GHB litmus paper on them so girls can test their drinks. Veronica gets her sleuthing face on and asks for a big stack of them, as she suddenly finds herself with free time, and in need of a project. Which I think was a line from a previous episode, but man, a girl can only take so much continuity! Parker also hands Veronica a good old-fashioned rape whistle. “You actually think people would come a-running, huh?” Veronica marvels. Parker has more faith in mankind than Veronica does, which, to be fair, Veronica has a pretty long list of reasons to not trust anyone ever.
Now she’s in Dean O’Dell’s office, saying he should require the Pi Sigs to hand the coasters out at the party. The Dean thinks he will! “Cora?” he calls. Cora has a name! Yay! “Track down Chip Diller for me.” Veronica couldn’t find any info about how the ad was placed in the paper, but they think it was changed at the printers. “You’re a credit to the college, my dear.” Dean says, and means it. She wonders what he’s got to be so warm and fuzzy about, what with everyone hating him and all. He’s got something special planned for his wife, he says, who’s coming back from Sacramento. D’oh. Veronica’s face falls. Also, Veronica’s face is wearing too much makeup. When you do that to a young pretty girl she ends up looking ten years older and also kind of like a stripper. A really pretty stripper, but still.
Professor Landry’s class. He’s telling everybody that you learn a lot about people when you read their papers about the perfect murder. “We got rid of a full score of ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends. The local Sheriff bit the dust…” at which Veronica gets all wide-eyed. Heh. Tim hands Veronica her paper, which has a big red Sharpie “A” on it, because she’s already solved like three or four perfect murders just in the last couple years. Tim’s red Sharpie also says “SEE ME.” Tim’s crazy face glares at her pointedly.
He’s not in his office when she stops by, and her voiceover reasons that if he’s going to make her wait, she gets to pour over his “creepy rape investigation board.” She notices a copy of the Pi Sig starting lineup, you know, those diploma looking things with the fraternity crest and a bunch of oval portraits of the members wearing suits, on which “Dick, Chip Diller, and Whatsisface” are circled. Tim walks in and she gets right to it: “What’s with the circled Pi Sigs? You on to something?” “Did I miss something? Are we working together now? Are we Starsky and Butch?” which is funny, until Veronica corrects him: “Cagney and Pasty!” which is funnier. But no, he’ll keep his findings to himself. He has some Daddy issues and wants Landry to be all proud and give him a cookie when he solves the mystery. He smarmily tells Veronica that he wanted to give her the opportunity to fix some of these syntax errors before he posts it online. Ah, and here’s his girlfriend. Veronica, have you met Tim’s girlfriend? I don’t recognize her right away, but Veronica does, as we can tell by the “yikes!” look that crosses her face. At home, Veronica’s eating, and since her mouth is full her VO clears things up for me by saying that Tim’s girlfriend “likes Dick, and sundry other Pi Sigs.” Ha. Keith comes home. “Soup? You know how I feel about soup! It’s a side dish!” Word, Keith. No worries, there’s a meatloaf in the oven. Aw. Veronica’s got to bring the room down though. “You know that case you took in Sacramento?” Keith says yeah, false alarm, he got to give good news for once. “Dean O’Dell’s wife is cheating on him with Dr. Landry, my criminology professor.” D’oh. Veronica figured out it was the Dean he was working for when he mentioned Sacramento. She fills him in on the whole “Rory Finch” thing, and dammit, now Keith has to tell him. The fact that Keith himself just cuckolded a perfectly nice guy a few weeks ago must add a whole new dimension to these cases, huh? Not to mention he just seems to like poor Cyrus.
Moe, the RA we met a few times this season, you know, the one with the keys to every room in the dorm? Who cryptically and creepily alluded to the Prison Experiment and how it “changes you forever”? Yeah, that one. Anyway, he’s confronting Piz and Wallace about some unfortunate but I suspect not atypical issues of dorm toilet etiquette. They let him ramble on for awhile before Wallace says “Not guilty, man!” Piz however requires clarification: “Third stall stage right, or stage left?” Heh. And iww. Piz grins as Moe attempts to answer him with no irony whatsoever, and it’s cute.
Veronica interrupts the toilet talk with a “Howdy boys! Anyone up for a Pi Sig blowout? Beer, and ladies, and music? And other stuff guys like I’m sure? Fast cars? Televised sports?” She doesn’t have to sell them, though, they were already planning on going. “Awesome. Then you can help me out.” Wallace: ”Suddenly it sounds like a lot less fun.” And what about our pal Moe? Well, he’s driving the Take Back the Night Cart, which as you might recall is great at getting drunk girls home but not so great at getting them not raped. Veronica gives him her number and tells him to call her if he picks up any girls who are beyond drunk, or shady guys lurking around. She’ll meet them out front, 9 sharp! “What are we doing?” asks Piz, suddenly realizing that his night of debauchery just turned into unpaid employment for Mars Investigations.
Mac: “Are you freaking kidding me?” Heh. “Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my porn star tube top.” Veronica says she could really use the help, actually kneeling at her feet. Mac, probably thinking she owes it to Parker, finally admits that “resistance is futile.”
The Dean’s on his way out, thanking our new pal Cora for working on Saturday. As he turns the corner he runs into Keith, wearing his “Dude. I am SO sorry.” face. Cyrus is visibly crushed at the sight of him. Back in his office, Keith somberly goes over what he’s found – cellphone records, charges to Landry’s credit cards for drinks and dinner. The dates seem to correspond to Mrs. O’Dell’s Junior League meetings. Ouch. Keith concurs and just stands there looking apologetic and vaguely guilty.
Par-tee! Veronica passes out magic date rape coasters to her poor, dear friends outside the Pi Sig house. Mac is wearing a shirt that says “Ask me about my STD!” Ha. Everyone can do their own thing at the party, she says, whatever that might be, but if they see a girl that looks particularly out of it, dunk a magic coaster in her drink. She then presents everyone with the Thanks For Helping presents she made them this afternoon: “Congratulations! You’re all 21.”
The guy at the door recognizes Veronica as his “favorite drink-tosser” from her visit last season. This must be Whatsisname from Tim’s bulletin board. “Seriously, does anyone like you?” Wallace wonders. Beer cups are $10, soda cups are $5, everyone must get a cup. Everyone must also write his or her name on said cup, use only that cup, do not share that cup with a minor. That’s a pretty good system! Let’s see how it works out. Veronica notices that the magic date rape coasters they’re required to hand out are totally fake. She stalks off to find Chip Diller, who’s chatting up some poor girl who really should eat a sandwich or something. He pooh-poohs her accusations of shenanigans and challenges her to find one laced drink! Go on, he’ll time her! Shut up, Chip. She dunks her real coaster in Scrawny’s drink. “There you go, Bambi! If it turns red, he’s trying to rape you. If it doesn’t, he still might be trying to rape you.”
We cut to a shot of the band, specifically, the lead singer, who I think I’m supposed to recognize, and who for some reason is singing “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond. That’s awesome and everything, but kitsch doesn’t seem like something the Pi Sigs would appreciate. Wallace and Piz survey the dance floor. Wallace: “Drunk girl! Ten o’clock!” Piz struts out to her general area, making a huge spectacle of himself in a Napoleon-Dynamite-by-way-of-Mick-Jagger-with-a-hint-of-Snoopy-Dance kind of way, thus providing a truly hilarious distraction so that Wallace can sneak in and dunk the drunk girl’s drink. Say that three times fast. Good news, she’s just drunk. After receiving the “cut!” sign from Wallace, Piz bows deeply and ducks out. Oh man. I’m glad we ruled Piz out as the rapist in the first ten seconds of the episode, because I’m starting to love him.
Inside, Veronica spots Tim’s girlfriend, straddling Dick all baby-voiced and kissy faced. I have unwelcome “A Trip to the Dentist” flashbacks. “Hey Bonnie!” Veronica snarks, all cheery. “Where’s your boyfriend tonight?” Dick acts dicky about Logan for a bit but Veronica doesn’t flinch – she just advises them to use lots and lots of protection.
Back outside, the world’s least attractive and most random cover band has moved on to John Cougar and/or Mellencamp. Mac is being hit on, hilariously, by some tool. He looks at her shirt: “You have an STD! Classic!” This is the funniest scene of the episode, and the star of the show is Tina Majorini’s wordless stare. She opted for the soda cup, so he offers to whisky it up for her, on account of her being such a “major minor” and all. “Sure!” she says, then dunks the magic coaster, sees that it’s negative, and pours the drink out. “Thanks!”
“What makes a man do it, Keith?” Dean O’Dell slurs as he pours the dregs of something into a glass. Dean O’Dell has been the Anvil King of the season so far. “Is there no honor left?” “Less than there should be, I’m afraid,” Keith mopes. It’s okay, Keith. Good guys sometimes do dumb shit, especially when there’s a huge rack involved. He’s just kind of sitting politely, babysitting the totally smashed Dean, which I guess is part of the job when you spend a lot of time telling people they’re being cheated on. Cyrus asks for a refill, and Keith complies, but only after confirming that the Dean’s plans for the rest of the evening entail passing out on that very couch. He picks up a bottle and Cyrus is all “Noooo! That’s my super special scotch I’m saving for a super special time!” He’s just getting drunk tonight, so he’ll stick with the swill. Mmm, swill.
Okay, who is this lead singer guy? Maybe I just think he just looks familiar because he looks like the love child of Meat Loaf and the Smashmouth guy. Anyway, we’re back to the party. Wallace politely inquires about a nice unconscious girl lying at his feet, but her friend snots that they’ve already called the Safe Ride Home people, and look, here they are. Sure enough, here comes our pal Moe with his surly Lillith House partner.
The Dean, true to his word, is passing out on his office couch. Keith offers him a ride home but Cyrus can’t see the point. “My wife has a Junior League meeting tonight.” He slurs. “Ha!” After Keith is gone though, he sneaks off the couch and stumbles around his office until he finds his revolver. He spins the chamber, which I would probably do a lot if I had a revolver, especially if I was drunk.
As she’s coming down the Pi Sig stairs, Veronica spots Tim coming into the front door. We all think “Dunnn!” Turns out he’s there for non rapey reasons though: he confronts Bonnie about her skankitude, delivering a spittle-flecked tirade and generally acting like a crazy person. I believe the official criminological term is “batshit nuts.” He rants that he knew about every one, and he got her back with one of his own for each of them. “Dunnn!” says my brain, louder. Having succeeded in making a total ass of himself, he leaves.
Veronica sees Logan across the room, with Mercer and two random girls. They exchange a Meaningful Glance. Mercer senses the “Awk! Ward!” in the air and says he’s gotta go, as they’re turning his radio show on after the band. He doesn’t say he has to go to the studio to do his show. He just says they’re putting it on. “Dunnn?” my brain wonders. Veronica and Logan get two sentences in to having it out when they’re interrupted by Wallace and Piz: “We have a positive.” You’ll recall everyone has to write their names on their cups, so they know the dosed drink belongs to one Kim Keiser. Kim is nowhere to be found, but Piz and Wallace have been good little minions and already know where she lives. Veronica says they have to get there STAT, so who’s got the closest car? Logan says he’ll go. Veronica starts to protest, but she knows it needs to be done, so she just tells him to be careful. Outside, SmashLoaf is finishing up his set, and Veronica grabs the mike to tell everyone to find her if they know where Kim is.
Cut to Professor Landry’s armpit hair. He’s reclining all icky and post-coital in their icky lair of adultery. Mindy ickily kisses him goodnight when there’s a knock at the door. No, Cyrus. Don’t go there! She opens the door, and yeah, he totally went there. He barges in but we cut away before we can see if he brought his gun along for the ride.
At the party, some girl wants to know if Veronica’s the one looking for Kim. Kim didn’t come to the party, she says, She leant her ID to her sister, Carrie. Dunnn! Again! Carrie wasn’t feeling so great and started walking back to her dorm, which is in the same building as PizWallace. Veronica is off to save the day, but on her way out, she pauses. Mercer’s show is being played on the speakers, and are you ready for more dunnn? Cause there’s the unmistakable sound of old-school tape distortion. As in, Mercer’s live call in show is actually a tape of Mercer’s live call in show. Veronica is like, “aw, not EVEN!” as she rushes out to find Carrie.
At the Sheriff’s station Deputy Sachs will be your Lamb substitute for this evening, blowing off a bomb threat called in about a residential building at Hearst. He says the Hearst cops will handle it. Right, they’ve really proven themselves so far, and besides, we don’t want to have to wake the Sheriff, do we? Not over a little thing like a bomb threat!
Oh crap. It’s all shadowy and creepy now, and we see a shape under the covers in a dorm room. The door opens and some shadowy creepy jeans let themselves in. He turns on a lamp and dunnn! It’s Mercer. “Unicorns? Really?” he scoffs at her figurines. Ordinarily of course I’m a big fan of scoffing at figurines but Mercer’s not my favorite guy at the moment. He delivers a pretty hammy mustache twirly soliloquy, of the “Now that I’ve got you, Mr. Bond, I’d like to show you this PowerPoint presentation on the details of my nefarious scheme and my motivations behind it” variety. But I have to say that I love how this show is really good at turning the red herring in to the bad guy. He’s talking to the unconscious girl in the bed, slimy things like it’s too bad she won’t remember it, cause it’s gonna be goood. Yuck. He turns on the Fatboy Slim song, thus definitively ruining it for me forever. He could have had her on her back in an hour, he soliloquizes, but that’s an hour of his life he’ll never get back, and he’d have to spend it listening to her talk about her unicorns. There is a special layer in hell for smarmy power rapists, Mercer, and it’s all unicorns, all the time. He revs up the clippers but he hears a thud and goes to investigate. In the closet he finds…some unconscious girl? “Wha?” Mercer and I wonder for the split second it takes Veronica to jump out from under the covers and Taser the bastard. All 90 pounds of her, God bless her, and it’s not a huge surprise that he knocks the Taser out of her hand and throws her to the ground. She tries to run out but he stops her at the door, yanking her backwards by her feet. I get angry. She calls for help but he turns up that damn song. “What are you doing here, Veronica? No one invited you!” He pulls her up by her hair, hard. She manages to scratch him but he recovers and punches her. Oh no he di-ent. “That’s my face, you bitch! “ He does a quick damage check of his precious face in the mirror, and sees Veronica crawl under the bed. He pulls her out by the legs again, which just really pisses me off, but before he gets her all the way out she spots a stray unicorn. She grabs it and stabs him with the business end, shoving it horn-first into his thigh. Hooray for unicorns! This buys her enough time to run out of the room and into that same chase sequence from the teaser. She bangs desperately at Wallace and Piz’s door, even though she knows they’re not home. She slumps down, shaken. The Loafers of Doom appear, and they belong to…Moe! Dunnn? “It’s Mercer.” Veronica pants. “Mercer is the rapist.” She’s bleeding and I want to hug her and maybe give her some soup.
Back in Moe’s room, Veronica is calming down, sipping some tea, which Moe has offered his guests every time we’ve seen him. He’s telling his phone that there’s been an attempted rape and please hurry. Carrie’s still in the room, Veronica says – they can’t wait for help, they have to get her. Moe’s got it covered! She should stay there, where she’s safe, drinking her totally safe tea. He runs off and she notices a photo on the wall. Why, it’s a photo of Moe and his good pal/former Prison Guard Mercer. Oh crap! Crap crap crap! See what they did there? Two red herrings, and they both turn out to be the actual bad guys. Niiice. Not so nice: Veronica’s all wobbly again. Goddamn tea! She goes for the door but it’s locked from the outside. She stumbles all stop-motiony like that girl from “The Ring” and makes it to an open window, but it’s too much of a drop for even sober Veronica. Druggy Veronica knows she doesn’t stand a chance.
She ends up in the closet, trying to keep it together long enough to call for help. She calls her dad first, but no answer. Damn, Keith, this is like the third or fourth life-threatening situation during which your daughter has had to leave you a voicemail! She squints upward and spots a hammer on the shelf, which she manages to get ahold of, just in case she’s conscious enough to use it by the time they find her. She opens the phone to try to call for help again, but the light reveals hair! Hair just falling around everywhere, and they make the music extra creepy here but all the hair probably would have been plenty in terms of giving me the absolute willies. Before she can dial, she hears Mercer: “I thought you said she was here!”
Mercer and Moe are looking out the open window. “You let her get away!” Mercer rages. “I’m sorry, sir” Moe says, but Mercer smacks him in the face. So hey, remember that throwaway line about how Moe did the Prison Experiment last year, and it changes you forever? Yeah. They hear Veronica’s phone ringing from the closet, and she’s pretty far gone by now, but she does manage to thwack the everliving hell out of Moe’s loafered foot with the hammer. In case you hadn’t caught on to the whole Prison Experiment thing yet, Mercer actually calls Moe “prisoner” as he freaks out about what they’re going to do with her. He drags her by her damn legs again and tells Moe to get the rest of the GHB – they’ll just give her all of it and she won’t remember the last year or so. Well, it has been a pretty crappy year. As Mercer’s knocking Moe around, Veronica reaches into her front pocket and pulls out…the little red rape whistle Parker gave her. She probably has less faith than ever in mankind, but she doesn’t have a whole lot to lose at this point. In the hallway, we hear the faint far-off whistle, and at first no one does a damn thing, as Veronica suspected. But a door opens and out walks Parker! Yay! I may or may not have actually applauded at this point.
Mercer and his bloody unicorned leg find the vial of GHB in his room. He limps back towards Moe’s room, but Parker’s standing in the hallway, hands on hips, asking if he’s going somewhere. He tries to get past her but she starts screaming, “Rape! Rape!” at the top of her adorable lungs until people start shuffling out of their rooms to see what the crazy lady is yelling about. There are quite a few people in the hallway now, all of them eyeing Mercer suspiciously and asking what the hell is going on. All of them except Moe, who is eyeing Mercer helplessly, blocking his door and trying not to freak out too visibly. One guy wants to know what happened to Mercer’s leg, and he gets all snippy, which, not the best time for that, maybe. He tells everyone the show’s over, go back to sleep, and Moe, get back in your room and shut up. “You got someone in your room, Moe?” wonders some guy. Moe doesn’t know how to answer hard questions by himself. “Mercer?” he whimpers. Mercer, with some difficulty, manages to storm out angrily, or rather limp out, prompting Moe to panic and run after him, squealing. Parker runs to his room and finds Veronica. Yay! I love that it was Parker. I also love that she was right about Mercer after all. Unicorns and Parker save the day!
Dean is back on his office couch. So he’s come back from the Grand, and he doesn’t look especially bloody or insane, so maybe he didn’t have his gun after all. He is roused by the sound of more Spit and Eggs smacking against his window. He’s sort of watching them splat there, marveling at how remarkably shitty his life has gotten all of a sudden, when the door opens behind him. He turns around. “What the hell are you doing here?” he asks our shadowy figure.
At the Sheriff’s station, Keith is giving Sachs an earful about not evacuating the building after the bomb threat. Which I guess Veronica called in on her way to the dorm? So everyone would have to leave the building? Okay, let’s go with that. Lamb’s coming in, Sachs says, and he wanted to talk to Veronica. But Keith is taking his daughter home now, thank you very much. And we all know how sensitive our Sheriff is in dealing with delicate matters such as these. On their way out, Veronica tells Keith she called him from Moe’s phone, so Keith has his cell number. He’s not smart enough to turn it off, so they should be able to track him down.
We cut to Mercer’s big bloody unicorn puncture wound, as Moe lovingly yanks the amputated horn from it with some needle-nose pliers. It’s real gross and ouchy and I’m glad we got to see it, cause ha. Shut up, Mercer. He’s wailing like an infant when Keith kicks the door in like the total badass he is. He and his big scary gun tell the gentlemen that their ride back to Neptune has arrived.
Veronica looks all pretty with her black eye and her hair pulled back and a normal amount of makeup. She’s telling Piz and Wallace and Mac the whole story. Moe was the setup guy. He’d dose the girls, give them a Safe Ride Home, then give Mercer the room number and his special RA keys. The Pi Sigs were just a nice easy scapegoat, and their parties were a reliable source of drunk girls. “Has Logan been by?” Mac ventures, but Veronica hasn’t seen him.
We cut to a couple of deputies in a booth at a diner. Through the window behind them we can see their squad car. We then see Logan walk by the window, glare at them for a moment, then whip out a lead pipe and just start wailing on the squad car. Damn, show! This is so awesome for so many reasons, only one of which is the shoutout to the Pilot when he bashed Veronica’s headlights in. Yeah, remember that Obligatory Psychotic Jackass? Here’s our boy! He’s just kind of methodically bashing at the windshield as the cops run out to get him.
Now you may or may not be wondering what the hell Logan is trying to pull exactly. It’s about to become very clear though, as the cops lead Logan to Neptune’s one little holding cell, you know, the one with Mercer in it, and shut the door behind him. He is staring absolute daggers at Mercer, but he looks pretty pleased with himself for setting up such a seriously awesome and woefully deserved jailhouse beatdown. Also, it’s smokin’ hot. They’ve been pretty consistent about portraying Logan as fiercely loyal, especially with his girlfriends, and this is just so great. Grrr. But wait, the radio show won’t work as an alibi anymore, but what about the whole hotel fire incident? Am I missing something?
Hearst. The Dean’s HD receiver seems to have come in, so Weevil’s in his office to set it up. But dammit all to hell, just when I’m starting to love him, Cyrus O’Dell is slumped over on his desk with a big hole in the side of his head. Worst! Day! Ever! Aw, man. Probably should have gone for the good scotch, huh? And that’s how we go to break. Dunnn!