I was so excited for the return of Veronica Mars that I watched the episode LIVE. My Tivo was hurt, but sometimes you have to hurt those you love to get what you need. I learned that lesson when my best friend Brent joined AA. I hope my Tivo forgives me sooner than I forgave Brent. Traitor.
At the end of the last arc, Vero caught the tag-team Fantastic Sam’s rapists, but that was about the only piece of good news around Neptune. Daddy Keith had to break up with Harmony, which was like watching Just Shoot Me get cancelled all over again. Vero got dumped by Logan, and Mac’s libido was suffering from Beaver depression. It’s starting to look like Mack will follow in the footsteps of my sweet, spinster Great Aunt LuLu. I am sure there are worse fates than playing Go Fish and wandering the aisles of Big Lots alone forever, but I can’t think of any right now. Did I mention I’m single? And of course the most heart wrenching news of all was in the Neptune Press’s obit section. Dean Begley-O’Dell died of a (self-inflicted?) bullet to the head. Why God, why? He saved so many lives on St. Elsewhere, he just didn’t deserve this. Damn you, ruthless Veronica Mars! Stop killing my loved ones! Brent! I need you!
Six weeks have passed, and the town has already mourned and healed from the Dean’s “suicide”. He found out his wife was cheating on him and blew his brains out, happens every day. Seems odd that Vero didn’t sniff out his office the second she heard the words “gun shot to the head”, but she’d had a lot on her mind and understood very well how much love could hurt.
The Dean’s widow shows up at Mars Investigations, emphatic that her husband would never kill himself over her. Keith isn’t so sure, as he saw the Dean depressed and drunk in his office before his death, but he’ll look into it. Only question is, why does she care six weeks later? She would have just let it go, but the death being ruled a suicide killed any chance of her ever getting a paycheck from insurance. Ain’t love sweet?
The Campus Lab is a mess. Someone has ransacked the place, poured water all over the hard drive, and stole all the test animals. I love any episode that needs Tech Support! MAC! Mac has been highly underused (by everyone, if you know what I mean) this season, and I cheered when she appeared on screen. The head Lab Tech girl, Pauline, is rude to her right off the bat, and I wonder if one of the writers has a problem with an angry black woman in his personal life, because there are a lot of them on this show. Just saying. A whole year of research was on that ruined hard drive, and without the monkey, the entire project is dead. Pauline rolls her eyes and asks “Who do you go to to find a monkey and twenty control group rats?”
Veronica is pretty pissy this morning. Logan is suddenly making breakfast a habit, encroaching on her Cafeteria time. Making matters worse, the product-placement Chili’s stand has been removed. What good is wallowing in self-doubt without and Awesome Blossom and a side of Bleu cheese? Come on Chili’s! Pay the bills! Mac introduces her to Pauline and her sidekick, Meek Lab Tech guy. Neither Tech gives a very good first impression. They use lots of big scientific terms and blame the theft on a group of fat kids. Poor fat kids get blamed for stealing anything that can be turned into food. Oh, wait. That’s PHAT kids, People for Humane Animal Treatment. Veronica’s a little turned off that they call the monkey 25, it’s research name, but when they mention he can also play “Chopsticks” on the piano, her curiosity is piqued enough to take the case. Who doesn’t love a monkey playing “Chopsticks”?
Square one is a PHAT recruitment meeting. Vero brings Mac, who’s mojo is further deadened by the mental picture of a bunch of unwashed, clove smoking hippies. She’s overheard sniping about the dirty white kids with problems by a cute flirty boy named Bronson Pope, who turns out to be the President of PHAT. Woops. Awkward moments are the foundation for a successful relationship with Mac, so this one is off to a good start. Let’s just hope Benjamin doesn’t turn out to be an impotent bomber with a revenge fantasy. A girl can only kiss so many psycho frogs before she gives up completely.
At first, it looks like Mac and Vero are barking up the wrong tree. Benjamin preaches love and tolerance of the fur wearers and medical testers instead of violence. Veronica raises her hand and says she was hoping for something a little more “active”. She had heard a couple of research animals were liberated and she wants in. Benjamin says war is not the answer, but if she really wanted to help she could join their letter writing campaign. She suffers through it, just to dig a little more. She talks to the femi-Nazi of the group, Darla, and tries to convince her to let her into the secret club of Hippie Rebels, but she gets nowhere. Across the room, Benjamin has the same luck, as his flirting is going way over Mac’s head. Veronica has pretty much given up when she is approached by Darla and her cheesy greasy friend, Soul Patch. There is a secret club, but for Veronica and Mac to be let in, they have to prove themselves first by coming up with a stunt that impresses.
No animals were harmed in the making of this soul patch.
Back at the Neptune Grand, Logan putters around his loft in obvious agony as his roomie gives himself Britney Glamour Shots in his bathrobe.
Who needs paparazzi?
Dick is going stir crazy and is willing to force Logan out of the house. He’s sick of talking about feeeelings and reminds him this isn’t The View. “Who do I look like to you, Rosie O’Donnel?” Thankfully, no. You do kind of look like Ellen, though.
Daddy Keith tracks down Weevil, and they take a look through Dean Begley-O’Dell’s office. The suicide note was written on the computer, and all it said was GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… his face fell on the Z. The Dean had never shown any signs of being a poet, but a man who ran a college would most likely leave something a little more creative than a paint by numbers suicide letter. Keith is convinced the Dean was murdered when he finds the bottle of fancy scotch Begley-O’Dell had been saving for a special occasion. What’s more special than you’re your last vice binge ever? If I am ever found dead in my apartment with an uneaten Snickers bar or left over pizza, you will all know I was murdered. When Keith relays all of this to Veronica, she tells him about the “Perfect Murder” assignment in Criminology class. Her paper was about a fake suicide. You type a note on a computer screen so no one can analyze the writing, and fill the note with clichÃ©’s, so no one looks too deep. Her example clichÃ© was “Goodbye, cruel world.” Duh duh duh!!
Veronica explains to Pauline the bitchy lab tech that results take time, but she’s getting further involved. She questions the whole murdering innocent animals in the name of science thing, but Pauline says an autopsy is the only way to determine test results. Veronica is still wary, but she might still have gonorreah if some innocent slutty monkey hadn’t given it’s life. We’re introduced to an even bitchier Lab Tech. This one’s Asian, so I decided to hang up the phone and call back the NAACP when I had a more solid case for the Angry Black Woman. Asian Botanist Tech admits she hates Pauline, but a lot of it is just professional jealousy. The animal testers get more than twice the money and space than she does and it’s all being used to discover a way to let fat guys in the suburbs lose weight and still eat burgers. Wait, this is a cure for fatness being tested? Bring back the monkey and kill it! I want to be thin!
After an interview at the radio station, Piz introduces Vero, Mac and Parker to his guest, gun totin’ NRA card carrying hillbilly rockstar Argent.
Woah. Bo Bice got fat.
The girls are giggly and are dressed in matching Sorority girl sweatshirts. V acts as shallow and stupid as possible. She and Parker could be sisters. She asks Argent to wear one of the pink Zeta Theta Beta sweatshirts for a picture. He agrees, trying to sweet talk an invitation to the sorority house and completely missing the overt sweatshirt switch.
OMG. Hardcore Republicans can be sooo dumb!
The shot Parker takes ends up on the cover of the Hearst Free Press, making Veronica and Mac cool enough to be part of the Hippie Rebel Club. When they get to Soul Patch’s room for initiation (how many times do they have to be initiated?) Soul Patch and Darla hand them a couple of signs that say no fur and tell them those signs will be their costumes for some pictures. The girls are obviously hesitant about showing their boobies to the world, so Soul Patch shows them his pics to make them feel better.
This dude’s body doesn’t believe in fur either.
Before they run screaming out of the room, Darla takes down a sheet wall divider and all the members of PHAT are behind it! Surprise! They do this to all the hardcore new recruits. Silly Hippie Rebels. Bronson asks V and Mac if they wanna grab a bite to eat, but Mac says she’s full from the mints she just ate. LOL. He asks what she’s doing later and she still doesn’t get it, so Veronica invites him to the Around the World party being thrown in the girls dorm. They thought the whole idea of each room being a different country was lame earlier but cute boys can change lonely girls’ minds pretty fast. This is exciting news to Parker, who is ready to nab herself a man. Glad the whole rape trauma wore off so nicely. Now she can get back to acting like Blanche from the Golden Girls. Parker might be 40 years younger, but her sexually provocative lines make me throw the same amount up in my mouth as Blanche Devereaux’s did back in the late eighties.
The three girls go home and get gussied up. A moose poster and a few “eh”s later, their dorm room has become Canada. Basically, they designed a half assed version of America. A+! Veronica is horrified at the thought of mingling, so Parker gives her a pep talk. “Don’t you want to hear how great and pretty you are?” Who the hell has this girl dated and why didn’t she marry him? Trust me, Blanche, that man is one in a million. My point is proven as Veronica “mingles” with douche bag after douche bag. Mac looks like a little girl who can’t find her mommy in a busy airport, and when Bronson doesn’t show, she tells Vero she just wants her room back. Since the party was just reinforcing Veronica’s annoyance with men, she cleared out Canada and gave Mac some alone time. It didn’t last long, cuz guess who showed up? Vegan activists don’t lie. It’s adorable seeing Mac smile ear to ear again, and even when Bronson comes in for a parting kiss and she jerks away, fumbling the ball, I cheer. Awkward moment number two. He’s so the one.
Meanwhile, Dick has dragged his mopey best friend to the Beach for some “dudes, tasty waves and tasty brews.” This being television and Logan being Logan, three tasty Surfer Babes invite themselves over to the campfire to mooch some beer. Scratch that. Beach Hos. These girls are ready to be tossed around like wet noodles.
Has Logan really changed, or is he still the same old slime ball? Time will tell, but my money’s on dudes, brews and screws.
Mac is pretty depressed about her kiss freak out, but Parker is there to save the day. She stole Bronson’s driver’s license so they would have an excuse to show up at his house the next day. Parker may be annoying, but she’s scorin’ for Mac so I like her. Veronica comes along for the ride and she and Parker pump Mac up all the way there. V tells her that the vegan hippie PETA freak is like a modern day JFK looking for his Mackie O. LOL. Hope this couple has a happier ending.
The door is opened by a cute girl, and Mac looks like she might run. Bronson comes to the door all smiley, huggin’ on this new cute girl. Mac whips out his license and turns to split, but he invites them in to share some good news. The letter writing campaign worked! The cosmetics company they were targeting promised to stop testing on animals. They decided they would use babies instead. Mac was still intimidated and confused by the new girl, so she excused herself to get a drink of water. An old Veronica Mars staple. On her way to the kitchen, she caught a glimpse of a bunch of aquariums in a room off the hall. Filled with rats. Dammit. She didn’t even get a four-episode boyfriend arc with this one. Throw the girl a bone! She whispers the secret to Veronica, who had no problem confronting Bronson, but only after she’d had a chance to sneak off to take pics of the rats on her Sidekick. I know Sidekick pays the bills over there and I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. But this is a recent pic I took on my Sidekick of my dog, Xena.
Bronson says the rats were literally left on his doorstep. He didn’t return them, but he didn’t steal them, either. By not telling the police, he had saved their lives. Thank you, Bronson. Thank you for saving those rats. Parker is only concerned with finding out who New Huggy Girl is and….drumroll…it’s Bronson’s sister! Didn’t see that one coming! He insists he doesn’t know anything about the robbery or the missing monkey. All he knows is he wants some Mac with his cheese. The Lab techs are pissed. They call the police, but when they arrive at Bronson’s, there are no rats anywhere. Just got harder for V to get her paycheck, but Mac stood by her man, and there’s nothing Veronica understands more. And besides, some good came out of this. Mac recovered most of the hard drive, and she found some green leaves on the casing. Veronica hustles down to the Lab to talk to Bitchy Botany Tech. She says the leaves are from green tea and shows Veronica a sample. Wait. What’s she doing with a banana squeaky toy? She took it from the monkey because the squeaking was making her crazy. She passes it on to Veronica. When Meek Lab Tech gets to his apartment, she is waiting for him. She knew he had the monkey, because it was going crazy for the squeeze toy behind the door. Busted. And finally, we have our monkey scene. The writers let it do a few tricks and act adorable before they moved on with the plot, just to get it out of the way. Americans love our monkey scenes.
Meek Lab Tech Guy doesn’t try to talk his way out of it. Yes! He’s guilty! But it’s a crime of love. He says it’s harder to kill something that has a name. “Veronica Mars, meet Oscar.” Great. Now we all have to feel guilty? It works on Veronica and my eyes well up with tears. They HAVE to kill the monkey! No monkey = no fat pill data! I. WANT. TO. BE. THIN!!! I’ll kill OSCAR myself! Unfortunately, love is in the air today, and Veronica is breathing deep. She gives the Lab it’s check back and apologizes for not being able to find the monkey. The Professor is furious, but all isn’t lost. They will take the recovered hard drive data and compare it to the new monkey, which they should have in about six days. Veronica’s face falls. Science marches on. In related news, TrimSpa doesn’t work. How many monkeys had to die for that bs?
Mac works up the confidence to go to Bronson’s house and knock on his front door, but she loses it and starts to bolt. And he opens the door. Awkward mating ensues, and Mac finally does what needs to be done. She asks him to a movie and (awkwardly) lays a big fat sweet kiss on him. Go Mac!
Across town, Logan gets oral in his car from the ho-iest of the three Beach Hos. He looks miserable, but she doesn’t. She’s thrilled to have Aaron Echols’ unborn grandchildren in her stomach. Oh, Logan. Why do you always have to bone it? ALWAYS?
Veronica finally has some time to think about all this monkey business (you know I have to do that, come on) in the Cafeteria. She gazes at the place where the Chili’s stand used to be and gets teary. Piz sees her and comes over to hang out. They have an “Almost Sunrise” night together, talking deep and staring into each other’s eyes. Why is Piz single? Because he’s waiting for the real thing. Not many people can tell the difference, so they just go from to relationship to relationship wasting their lives away. Does she know the difference? She thinks so….He beams. Nice work, Piz.
Daddy Mars sits in a bar next to Professor Landry, playing the old “love wrecked drunk stranger” game to try to get Lambert to somehow admit he killed his mistress’ husband. He uses the “I’m crazy and violent, how bout you?” extraction method. Uhhh, Keith? The guy is a Criminology professor. Do you really think he’s that stupid? Landry lets Keith go on with his spiel for a while before mentioning that he had read Keith’s book. All the way to the headshot at the end. Nice beret, by the way. Doh! “I wrote a book, too,” Landry says. “It’s about reading people. You should buy it.” And…snap.
Logan sits at home staring off into space with a pillow on his lap. Hope he was covering his lap earlier with Beach Ho, cuz you know the writers on this show aren’t past giving V hepatitis. When his doorbell rings, you see the pouty hope that it’s Veronica all over is face. And it is! They kiss and kiss and kiss. Guess Piz’s speech worked. Against him.
The next morning at breakfast in the Cafeteria, Piz is ready to begin the official wooing season, but Veronica and Logan are back to their old mismatched ways. The hurt on Piz’ face as he realizes he lost AGAIN is really sad. Logan uncomfortably asks “what’s new, Piz?” As he defeatedly leaves, Piz mutters “apparently, not much.” Piz! I love you! Come home!
On the coming next week clips, Beach Ho shows up and causes some trouble. Girl fight!
So dear Readers, what’s your take? I loved this episode and am psyched for next week and Zoobabe’s recap. Good luck on your first day, Zoobabe! Until next time…LoVe divided by Piz?