Recap: Veronica Mars: Don’t Ask and (More importantly) Don’t Tell

This latest episode of Veronica Mars was all about leading us into the mystery of the death of Dean O’Dell, and the mystery of why Veronica wants to maintain a relationship with Logan. No really- why DOES V want to maintain a relationship with Logan? Is he THAT good in bed? More on that later. We begin with V and Logan chillin’ at the Hearst food court, scene of many romantic LoVe dates, including today as Logan feeds his girl a french fry. He even dips it in ketchup for her, which I’m sure is a blatant sexual metaphor. He shows V an article in the Hearst Lampoon about the egging outbreak the night of the Dean’s murder. It seems that eggs were flying all over campus, and the Violent Femmes/Lilith House girls are the ones responsible. Even if they aren’t admitting to it, those girls know what to do with their unwanted eggs.

Weevil interrupts their LoVe lunch , and lets slip to V that the Dean’s office was egged that night too. Something not lampooned in the Lampoon’s map-o-the-crime. V knows that this info. will be important to her dad, who is presently obtaining the police report on O’Dell’s “suicide”. Sheriff Lamb tries to give Keith a hard time about wanting the file, but Keith says he’s just trying to solve a crime and maybe Lamb should do the same.

Post-lunch, V is approached by Max to see if she will solve a case for him. Max is the dude that runs the campus cheating program, and although he couldn’t help Wallace buy a passing grade- he wants V to find the woman that he loves. Problem is , he only knows her first name and that she’s from Poughkeepsie. That’s it.

It seems he met Chelsea at a ComicCon, and after some hot and heavy mental flirting over Battlestar Galactica they retired to his motel room for a passionate evening of whatever sci-fi geeks do. No offense to sci-fi geeks, but I only know what reality television geeks do. After a tearful goodbye at the airport, their love connection was broken when the personal info she said she left for him was mistakenly picked up by housekeeping. Months later, she sent Max a text saying she’s marrying her ex b/c he never called her. Max kept trying to call the number back, but a guy always answers and says that he doesn’t know a Chelsea. V agrees to take the case, and when she calls the number she starts digging a little further and finds out that the guy is from the Poughkeepsie area, but is actually a student at Hearst!

So- V walks over to find the phone (and the guy) right back at the food court where she finds the text message on his phone. The guy is still clueless, but then Max’s roomate Brian also works there. V gets Brian to confess to sending the text. It seems that Brian and Fred (Max’s friend) hired a hooker to take Max’s virginity at the convention. They coached her with all the appropriate things to say to turn on a BSG fan, like pinching her nipples so they’d look like she was hiding photon laser guns under her force field (really I’m trying but I don’t know how to turn on a sci-fi geek except to dress like Princess Leia). Brian sent the text from his coworker’s phone to try and stop Max from pining for a girl who wasn’t what he thought she was.

V has to break the bad news to Max that he’s in love with a hooker, and she has to tell his buds that they blew a grand and their friend didn’t get “blown”, but Max still believes in a thing called love and he wants his hooker FOUND! So with his pals’ help, V searches on EROTIC.COM (“the Zagat’s guide for hookers”) for Chelsea’s specs until she finds the only two (Fiona and Lisette) that could be her, and sets up a play date for that night with both of them (and Max) at Logan’s place.

Back at home, V and her dad have a funny little role play over the Dean’s file. Keith’s not getting any new info from it, but V shares the info she knows about the Dean’s office getting egged. She tells Keith that her money is on Nish as the egger b/c Nish was all up in lesbian arms about getting canned as the editor of the paper after the rape scandal, and she told the Dean that he’d regret it.

That night before hookerfest, V tries asking Logan about whether he’s ever been with an “escort” but he won’t tell. Lisette shows up first, and when she sees LoVe- she offers to do both for extra money. Max says she’s not Chelsea, and although Logan hates wasting what’s been paid for- she takes her money and leaves. Fiona shows up next and she IS Max’s Chelsea, but really named Wendy. She’s very happy to see him and de-virginizes him on right on the couch for free! No- she just keeps kissing him and talking to him in the baby voice that I hate when girls use, so now I’m gagging as well as LoVe who are watching this all go down in the living room. Nice time for the doorbell, except when V answers it’s her old high school nemesis and world-class ho, Madison. If she’s looking for dick, Dick’s not there but she does find out that V and Logan are together again. After she leaves, V tells Logan that if Dick is gonna be dicking Maddie again- he needs to find a new roomate ‘cuz she’s a few inches away from slapping that ho’ DOWN!

Keith is suited up in his old sheriff’s uniform to try and shake down the Liliths. As he’s admiring himself in the mirror, V comes in with a boombox to compliment his outfit and really turn the ladies on. I’ll have some milk with MY “Mars bar” please! He heads over to the Lilith house and talks to the two “butch” Cassidys, Clair and Fern. They are all intimidated by his cop routine (literally) and are giving up the fact that they egged the Dean’s office but say that Nish wasn’t involved, until Nish appears. Ever the journalist, she knows that Keith isn’t a cop anymore and tries to back him into a corner about how he’s garnering his info until she finds out that he thinks the Dean was murdered that night. On the way back from the house, Keith stops next to the real sheriff and gives him a jaunty little wave from his car. In your face Lamb!

Now that Max is happy with his hooker, he wants V to make her disappear. It seems that it’s hard out here for Wendy’s pimp, and Wendy’s not getting out as easy as Max is “getting in”. Wendy tells V that her biggest client is the honorable Judge Kramer. She says they never have sex, but he’s the kinkiest b/c he likes to sneak her into his chambers and have tickle fights and walk in her shoes and use racial slurs against her. Sorry on that last one- wrong Kramer. V has her own liitle vendetta against Kramer, b/c her dad once busted him for taking bribes but he never had to own up to it. Back to Logan’s, where a new knock to his door brings a busted up ho looking for Wendy.

It turns out that Mr. Happyfists sent her over to get Wendy and the thousand bucks owed to him for last night’s trick or else he’s gonna beat her up. Wendy tells Max she has to go, and he gives her the money but vows to work to get her back. As Max is moping on Logan’s sofa, V finds the ho’s purse with her purple eye makeup and deduces that ho and ho conned Max out of his money by faking the bruises. Now V wants revenge on Wendy-ho, and hatches a plan to blackmail Mr. Happyticklefeet Kramer out of the money to pay Max back and get Wendy in trouble with her pimp. She uses Max’s cell to call the Judge and tell him what she knows and says she won’t tell if he leaves a grand in a locker at the bus station and calls when it’s ready to be picked up. Foolproof plan-right?

Now that everyone’s happy, V and Logan settle in for some down and dirty of their own. Post-coitus, V starts asking q’s AGAIN about hookers and lies. Logan really doesn’t want anything to do with this convo., but she says secrets are bound to surface and if they tell all they can become more intimate. I don’t know why girls can’t just shut up after sex, and I am a girl- but in this case it’s Logan freakin’ Echolls we’re talking about and his history should speak for itself. Why V wants to know these things could NOT turn out well, so maybe Logan should have some duct tape of roofies on hand ( as V has experience with both) but either way he plays along and they start asking and telling.

Here’s the breakdown:
NO- to hookers
YES- to passing out in Mexico with Mercer and not realizing that he returned to Neptune to rape someone
YES- to fooling around on her when they were broken up, although he does say that it was stupid and he regrets it. (I saw that beach ho, I’d regret it too)
YES- to V still LoVeing him.
YES- to me realizing how smart girls can be so STUPID when they’re getting the high hard one from from a hottie with a penishead. INTIMACY ROCKS!!!

Back to our blackmail, Max lets V know that the Judge has called back and they go the bus station to make the pickup. When they open the locker, there’s a note inside that says “GO OUTSIDE, GET IN THE LIMO, OR WENDY GETS HURT”. When they go outside, they are met by a Mark Wahlberg/ gorilla-like limo driver that tells them to get in. The limo pulls away and we see the license plate of WER9878. I don’t know if this is supposed to mean anything, but I can’t figure it out so help me if it does. Inside the limo, Gorilla Wahlberg sits between Max and V across from Mr. Happy (there IS a Mr. Happy!) and the pimp. The “agent” as she likes to call herself (yes, she is a SHE) says that trying to blackmail Kramer will only get V and Max into a world of hurt and she’ll gladly release Wendy from her whoreitude with no questions asked if she gets paid the $10,000 owed to her for making Wendy the woman that she is today. Tattoo removal, new clothes, teeth and rent don’t come cheap! Max says he’ll pay and to take him to the bank which is a lesson for all of us who worked flipping burgers or tutoring our way through college. Cheaters do win! This dude has more readily available cash than Kevin Federline, AND he got to bang a better-looking ho too!

Now that Wendy is out, she’s crashing with Max until she gets a job and a place to stay. Weevil sees the gang in the cafeteria and thinks he recognizes “Fiona” from his fave strip joint. He even remembers her dragon tattoo, but V hushes him up and he wisely obeys. V asks Wendy her secret to getting/keeping a man, and she says to always trust the power of interesting lingerie. Back in Max’s dorm room, his and Wendy’s bedded bliss is interrupted by his roomate’s offer to hook her up with non-hooker cash by being a stripper for his brother’s bachelor party. Wendy declines and Max is offended, but he does remember the dragon on her purse and the connection to the tattoo is made.

Once again- the asking starts as he asks Wendy if she ever really left the note with her info. at his motel like she said. Of course- she TELLS THE TRUTH and says “no”. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! Lying is good sometimes, why can’t this dumb ho ever learn? The next day, he tells V that she left a note(she really did this time) saying that it just wouldn’t work between them even though she loved him and she’d pay him back the money he spent on her freedom. V doubts it, but he hands over his payment to her in one thousand vertically-folded dollar bills so it seems as if Wendy’s back in business as a stripper, or maybe a REALLY good waitress.

V finds out from her dad that he got Nish to admit that she DID egg the Dean’s Volvo the night he died b/c she knew how much he loved that car. However, Keith knows that the Dean was driving the minivan and the Volvo was his wife’s primary vehicle. So- was the woman who hired Keith at her husband’s office that night? Why would she lie about it if she was?

V heads to the lingerie store to try and find something Logan might like to come home/on to, but is displeased to run into Madison again as she’s shopping. Although V tries to get a good dig in about Dick, Madison shocks her by revealing that she showed up at Logan’s door that night looking for HIM b/c they had hooked up in Aspen over the holidays and she wanted to get some more of that Echolls’ goodness. Even though they were “on a break”, this info does NOT sit well with V which is why she never should have asked him to tell her the truth. I mean- he did fess up to it kinda. Didn’t he? I can imagine that the thought of Logan with Madison made her drop the crothchless panties and head home.

Next week previews show V telling her dad that she’s PREGNANT! Do you guys think it’s true, or are they just misleading us to suck us in? Will V stay with Logan and his pickle now that it’s been soured by the juice of many whores? Will she realize that Piz is pining for her? Will we ever get to see Wallace again? Is Mac’s beaver still with with fur-free PHAT boy?

How much would you pay to have Sheriff Mars at your bachelorette party? Leave your comments and I’ll flip it to Flipit for next week’s recap. Peace and LoVe for now.