Last week’s episode of Veronica Mars ended with a teaser of Veronica saying “I’m pregnant!” I’ve thought of nothing but abortion all week long. Thanks, Veronica Mars. Teen pregnancy happens. I get it. I wouldn’t be here without it. But please don’t let it happen to my girl! I know I should have faith, but I’ve been burned before. Is this gonna be like when Facts Of Life turned the girls’ house into a candy store with no Mrs. G? I can’t take it! Finally, Tuesday night arrives. Tivo, you can have the night off. Don’t get all mopey on me, you’re looking haggard. Rest up. No, wait, sorry I need you again. I have to go to 7-11 for some ice cream. If Veronica gets pregnant, I’ll get fatter. I’m loyal like that.
Fade up on Veronica sleeping happily in Logan’s arms. Wow. She just found out he’d boned her archenemy and she’s already forgiven him. That was way quicker than usual. It’s becoming routine, like saying bless you after someone repeatedly sneezes wads of snot in your face. She kisses him, gets out of bed, and goes to take a breath of fresh morning air on the balcony overlooking a snowy forest. Snowy forest? V goes back to the bedroom to ask Logan what happened to the always sunny backdrop, but he’s busy. A giggly woman is riding him like an electric bull at a bachelorette party. MADISON! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! SHE CAN ONLY KILL YOU IN YOUR DREAMS!!
The Sidekick rings and wakes her up, saving her from the Killer Ho. It’s the electric bull. Logan’s flirty and charming this morning, grateful to have his girl back. Veronica doesn’t know what to say, so she stays pretty quiet while he wittily quips at her about their big date tonight. She plays it cool and hangs up, but there’s only so much Naked Killer Ho induced sleep deprivation one girl can take. Hope he enjoys this lovin’ feelin’, cuz soon it’s gone, gone, gone. Woah oh oh oh.
At school, Vero’s approached by Slutty Bonnie, who we last saw dry humping Dick at the Pi Sig party when her boyfriend, TA Tim, went all Sharky on her ass for cheating. Awkward. I’d kind of let it slip my mind. A lot happened that night, what with Veronica almost getting raped and all. Tim forgave Bonnie, loved her and helped her change her slutty ways, but it was too late. She was knocked up and didn’t know who the daddy was. It was either her multiple personality TA/janitor boyfriend or Dick. That’s all Neptune needs, another tiny Dick let loose on it’s streets.
That catastrophe would have to wait for another day, cuz Bonnie had miscarried after being slipped RU486, the morning after pill. She knew she was drugged because she broke out in a rash and the doctor did blood work. Daaammmmnnn. She says she didn’t think Tim drugged her, because he had embraced the idea of a baby, even asking her to marry (ew) him. And even though Dick made the obligatory Dick move and told Bonnie he would only pay for an abortion after he saw results of a paternity test, he doesn’t seem clever enough to come up with the RU480 plan. He’s capable of coming up with some MJ420, but that makes the body crave eggs, not expel them. Even though Veronica can’t fathom how anyone could be happy with Tim (“he takes caaare of me!”), she agrees to take the case.
Before V can get any work done, she has some loose ends to wrap up on yesterday’s file: The Case of the Busted Boyfriend. When she gets to the loft, Logan’s waiting in his dapper, handsome future husband disguise. Why is she in jeans? He looks up at her face and she’s teary. Ruh-roh.
“Did you have sex with Madison over winter break?” He looks down at his sleeve, wondering whether or not he should even bother finish locking the cufflink. He admits he lied point blank, but it’s because she didn’t have a right to know since they were broken up (didn’t he watch Friends?) and he knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with “the whole Madison thing”.
“Which thing are you talking about? The she roofied me thing, or the thing where I stumbled to my car in the morning wondering where my virginity was and she’d written SLUT on my windshield?” Logan wisely keeps his mouth shut. She says she’s sick to her stomach and if she could have eaten today she would have been throwing up on his floor. He argues that they were broken up at the time, but he knew what that ho had done to her, and there was no way he did her without thinking about how pissed Vero would be. He promises that it wasn’t like that and he didn’t mean to hurt her, but promises from Logan aren’t currently considered legal tender in Marstown. He tries to keep his voice steady while he begs “what can I do?”
“Make it not true.” I hate seeing Veronica cry, and there are more tears than not with this guy. If she finds out she’s preggers in the next scene I’m gonna lose my shit. I’m just saying. She tells him this is something she can never get past as she shuts the door behind her, and I have mixed feelings. Damn you, LoVe! I don’t know whether to celebrate or have a nervous breakdown, so I press pause and let my mind forget the Lo and ponder the Pi. Mmmm. Pie.
Daddy Mars shows up at Mindy O’Dell’s house to question her about the minivan parked on campus the night Dean O’Begley was killed. She says they traded cars that weekend so O’Begley could haul his son’s drums around while she was out of town doing the Criminology Professor. So either she was lying, or Knish was lying about leaving her sisters that night to egg his Volvo. My bet’s on Knish. Never trust a potato treat.
Don’t trust this potato treat. It will make your butt huge.
To get her mind off her own problems, Veronica pays Dick a visit. She says she heard about him knocking up Bonnie and he doesn’t even flinch. “Yeah, what ever happened with that?” Oy. She accuses him of having a wadded up Maxim magazine where his heart should be (LOL) and he says she’s one to talk. “Duncan and Logan. You’re running out of rich bachelor’s heads to mess with”. That stings, so she stabs right back, telling him that Logan did the deed with Madison while they were all in Aspen. This gets him, not because he cares about Killer Ho, but because he cares about Logan. Veronica just made Dick feel something! And…it passes. He eyes a hot girl named Nadia and goes after her, deciding to concentrate on what he does best. Red heads.
Veronica makes a stop at Bonnie’s room, but she isn’t there so V takes the opportunity to innocently grill her roommate, Phyllis. She and Bonnie have been best friends since they were seven, so maybe she had some info. What does she think about Tim? Phyllis admits hating the “arrogant little prick” at first, but her mind was changed when she saw how he stepped up to bat for her pregnant friend. He got her What to Expect When You’re Expecting, bought her pre-natal vitamins and even asked to talk to her dad about marriage. That’s intimidating for anyone, but the fact that Bonnie’s father is a televangelist triples the fear factor. A televangelist?!? Bonnie had said her parents were religious, but she failed to mention her father was on a twenty four hour public access loop spouting “hate the sin, not the sinner.” No wonder she’s slutty. If you don’t let your kid have candy, they usually end up fat. I’ve got the Weight Watchers bills to prove it.
Veronica doesn’t care what anyone says, she’s not just going to let the creepy TA off the forced abortion hook just because he bought a few vitamins for his girlfriend. Weevil wasn’t around, so to get into Tim’s locked office, she threw a Pretty Girl Hissy Fit, shrieking to the less expensive janitor about her sad, sad life until he let her in to plant her bugs. I tried the Pretty Girl Hissy fit technique on my landlord a few weeks ago when he knocked on my door to ask where rent was, but I’m not pretty or a girl, so I had to pay. No fair! Ah, well. Superman may be your hero, but it doesn’t mean you can fly.
She comes back the next day and accuses Tim of giving her a false B. He says there’s no way he made a mistake and brings her into the office to prove it to her. While he gloatingly pulls up her A on his screen, she unravels some black tape to block the office door’s lock. That night when he leaves, she let’s herself back in and removes the tiny camera she hid under the lamp shade and plugs into his USB port to view it’s contents and get his computer’s password. Snap. It’s DICK TRACY. Funny, I always pictured him as a Dilbert fan. While she snoops through his hard-drive, she gets more than what she needs. Not only did he visit the Women’s Clinic’s website, he has an entire file on the Dean’s death. A non-traditional crime-solving abortionist. I smell a spin-off! She finds a file labeled WITNESSES and clicks on it. Weevil’s isn’t the only name on the list! Someone named Anthony Martin is listed as an “earwitness”. He had heard a gunshot walking home from the Pi Sig party, but was drunk and couldn’t help establish a timeline. She makes her way over to the kid’s dorm room and when he doesn’t answer, she leaves a note that says “for a good time, call Veronica” on his dry erase board.
This case is keeping her busy, but not so busy that she can’t find the time to stalk Killer Ho. She follows Madison from the Spa back to her parents house. While unloading the laundry she brought home for the maid to do, her daddy surprises her with a brand new Mercedes. The license plate is fitting and easily memorized. GOTZMINE. Oh, you’re gonna get yours, Killer Ho. Veronica heads over to Weevil’s to ask him to steal Madison’s new ride and have it cubed. Way to support a friend trying to walk the straight and narrow, Veronica. If she was here right now, I’d like to think she’d offer me a twinkie. Weevil says he’ll do it, but he’s annoyed that the favor is somehow tied to Logan, so he charges her $500.
Logan is on a drinking binge in his darkened loft when Dick comes in to confront him about hooking up with Madison. Thankfully, Dick isn’t as articulate as Veronica, so his speech is summed up in one line “That’s not cool.” Well said, Dick.
Veronica, meanwhile, has put on her Sunday’s best to pay Bonnie’s dad a visit at Capistrano Ministries. Since she doesn’t trust TV Preachers (Jim and Tammy Faye screwed that industry’s rep a long time ago), she comes as Hester with a V, a sweet hearted pregnant teen. She’s intercepted by a Goofy Christian Suit. When he offers to help her, she says it’s kind of personal. He says “if you’re here to ask if your skirt is long enough, the answer’s no.” Ew. This is one of those times I wish V had Alias qualities, so she could just snap this guy’s neck, hold a knife to Bonnie’s dad’s throat, and be done with it. I also wish Eddie Cibrian would become obsessed with me and take me home to his mama, but here I sit alone with a half eaten Haagen Dazs container and a gut that wiggles when the wind blows. Vero goes about her questioning in the traditional way. By acting really sweet and crying. “I’m pregnant!”
Damn you for tricking me, Veronica Mars! Do you know how worried I’ve been? Do you know the struggle over abortion that’s been raging in my mind? I even started a list of baby names (Duncan, Beave, Jekyll…)!! Well at least my show’s safe. They won’t be turning Mars Investigations into a candy shop and hiring Cloris Leachman to look after the baby, and for that I’m grateful. But kind of not. I love you, Cloris Leachman!
Hester tells Papa Capistrano that her parents are really strict and unforgiving and she’s thinking about getting an abortion. He tells her that her parents could surprise her. You see, his daughter got pregnant too. He and his wife are strict (you don’t say. Nice Jesus picture over th…everywhere), but the second they found out they were gonna be grandparents, that’s all that mattered. He gets teary as he talks about Bonnie losing her baby. What do you know? A sincere televangalist!
They’re not all like this.
There was no chance that the dad did it. Moving on to the Clinic. The head Doc tells V the rules and guidelines for RU486. No man will be given a pill, not even if he says it’s for his wife. In order to get it, a girl has to show up at the office and swallow under doctor supervision. That rules out the boyfriends, unless they had help from a girl. V takes a stab at getting patient logs, but the Doc laughs in her face.
Just when it looks like she won’t have any leads to follow for a while, her Sidekick rings. It’s Anthony. He read the note on his door and is calling “for a good time.” Cut to V pacing back and forth in his room, grilling him. This guy’s a total dumbass and was wasted when he heard the gunshot. He didn’t call the police because he didn’t realize it was a gunshot until he read about it the next day in the paper. V skips the obvious question, “you read the paper?” to ask him how Tim found out this info. Anthony has no idea. All he knows is the creepy ex-janitor showed up and grilled him just like she was doing now. The only thing he remembers is that when he got home he turned on Space Ghost, his favorite show. That gave her a timeline. Bingo.
She gets home to tell Daddy Mars about her find, but he is no mood to talk turkey. Someone sent him pics of Veronica coming out of the Women’s Clinic along with a parental reminder note that the Clinic performs abortions. Veronica is outraged. Who do these people think they are, hiding up in their tower with their long-range lenses stealing private moments from people? Keith gently reminds her that that’s what they do for a living, but she’s still pissed. She wants to know who sent it, but there’s no return address. Just crazy Christian pamphlets and a crazy Christian bookmark, which she gives a look-see. Ah, it’s from the Good Word Press. “Harassing women in crisis since 1973!” LOL, Vero.
She and Keith show up at the Good Word Press as the Drews. Carson and Nancy. Hester with a V and Nancy Drew in one episode. Throw in a Jessica Fletcher and I’ll heart you forever. When they question the owner about the crazy Christian materials, he’s defensive. But when they explain that their “client” needs to find out if his bride to be aborted another man’s baby recently, the owner shakes his head like “what kind of world are we coming to?” and then he answers his own question by showing them the binders full of young girls leaving the Clinic. Gotta have a hobby!
V sees pics of Nadia, the red headed girl Dick was fooling around with. If she wasn’t helping him, his sperm are having quite a month. Jeeze, Dick. Condoms much? Before she can dig deeper, the Goofy Christian short skirt Nazi Suit from Capistrano Ministries comes into the office (to pick up more pamphlets, no doubt). Busted. The info they got might be enough. Dick was “friendly” with this girl (way too friendly, possibly), so maybe she got the pill for him. First question is for Dick, but he’s (obviously) no help. He thinks Nadia’s last name is Comaneci. Vero laughs and tells him that’s an Olympic gymnast, but his eyes are blank, so she’s forced to track down Nadia herself. Nadia says she barely knows Dick. She got drunk at a party and gave him a fake number. Vero tries to dig, but if this girl’s guilty of anything, she’s not letting on.
Meanwhile, Daddy Mars gets a call from Mindy O’Dell. Someone has broken into her house and she needs him to come over right away. He suggests calling the police, but we all know they’re useless, so he puts on some black clothes and a skull cap (subtle) and gets right over. As the burglar leaves the O’Dell home, Keith knocks him out. EW!!! It’s Slimy Cheesy Actor Dad! When her son needed a bone marrow transplant, Mindy was forced to pay off the kid’s father, a low-life anorexic drug addict scum bag. The only way she could even get him to talk to her was by holding fake auditions. Actors are horrible people. He wouldn’t give up his marrow, so Mindy, Keith, and O’Begley drugged him, kidnapped him, and paid for his marrow with an allowance and a Porsche.
This guy’s a piece of work. His son is glad to see him, but all Cheesy Actor Dad can do is complain that the money he was promised has stopped coming, so he was just stealing what was his. Wouldn’t do a whole lotta good to call the cops, what with their kidnapping him in the first place. He half heartedly promises his son that he’ll try to find some game tickets sometime soon while the teenager skulks around the house in full on teen angst. On his way out, Slimy Cheesy Actor Dad empties a crystal vase of it’s flowers and leaves them on the table. Gross. I guess this means we’re stuck with at least another couple of appearances by this loser. If ever there was a commercial for safe sex, it’s this guy.
WARNING: Do not make babies with actors.
Mindy asks Daddy Mars to check on the angry teenager, who just growls at him. Thanks for that pointless scene. Or is it? What do you wanna bet the angry young man had something to do with O’Begley takin’ a cap to the cranium? Mindy had mentioned the Dean was gonna send him off to “discipline school”. Motive! Since Mindy’s still gone, Keith goes to get “a drink”, which is the Mars family way of saying “wait here while I go through all your shit.” He goes to the garage and looks over the classic car parked there. He finds something white under the windshield wipers, but is caught before getting any further. He explains that his parents used to keep alcohol in the garage fridge. Wow, Keith is a terrible liar. She doesn’t really buy it, but what’s she gonna do? You invite him in, you gotta know he’s going to rifle through your things.
Logan, who’s still at the loft stewing (and drinking heavily), decides to drunk dial his ex. Ooooh. Bad idea. In classic drunk dial fashion, the first phase is anger. “Where are you, Veronica? Off digging through someone’s trash?” Just hang up now, for all our sakes. Instead he preaches about how if you look hard enough, everyone’s a sinner so judge not….he forgets the rest of that saying and shifts into the next phase described in the drunk dial handbook: self pity. “Honestly, it’s encouraging that anyone still has such high expectations of me!” Oh boo hoo. He senses that’s not working so he segues into phase three, the crying apology. “I’m sooorrrrryyyyy!!!” You’re so sorry for being such a loser that you sit in your house and act like even more of a loser. This is why Veronica and Logan will never ever work. He’s cute and pouty, but you don’t need a Dr. Laura tome to see that he’s not much of a man. He ends the call with phase four. Begging. “I’m sorry it ever happened! I love you!”
Unfortunately, Veronica doesn’t get the CW, because that’s the only way she would have ever heard the whole speech. She pressed delete when he got to “digging through someone’s trash?” Ah, wasted poetry. When Keith asks her who it was, she said “oh it’s nothing. Just some old crap.” Ouch.
She has bigger fish to fry. The morning paper had a story about the Goofy Short Skirt Patrol guy taking over Capistrano Ministries. She suspects blackmail, and calls Bonnie to get her help sneaking into Goofy Christian Suit’s office during service. When she get’s to Bonnie’s, Papa Capistrano is there, but thankfully no one calls V by name. That’s one awkward moment avoided. He gives Phyllis a big hug, calling her his other daughter. Aw. V, always snooping, sees What to Expect When Your Expecting on the desk. It has a crazy Christian bookmark in it!
“Bonnie, I think Tim slipped you the RU486!” Papa Capistrano is shocked. He didn’t know there were drugs involved in the miscarriage. V explains that the pill is only available through one clinic, and a right wing shame group sends everyone who stops in a thank you packet which includes that very bookmark. Only thing is, Tim didn’t give her that book, Phyllis did. Ooooh, girl. Bonnie is floored.
Phyllis says she did it for her! If she stayed with either one of those guys she would have just ended up divorced and raising a kid alone. There would be no career. Her dreams would be dead. She also lets it slip that she knew Bonnie wasn’t going to keep the baby until her parents found out about it, so she thought she was doing her a favor. Way to keep this about you, a hole. Bonnie screams and sobs while Papa Capistrano tells her that she needs to forgive Phyllis. “She didn’t mean to hurt you!” Woah. This guy’s a genuinely good man. Hats off to all Christians who aren’t crazy. As he goes on about forgiveness and not letting anger destroy your soul, Veronica let’s his words sink in. If she goes to Logan’s, I’m throwing my Rocky Road at the TV, I mean it! Instead, she hauls ass over to the junk yard, where Weevil is waiting with Killer Ho’s GOTZMINE.
Since Papa Capistrano is no longer a televangalist, Veronica decides to take his advice and be a bigger person than Madison. She tells Weevil to cancel the crunch. Instead, put an open can of tuna in her AC and leave it parked where it could be found. Hey, I said she was a bigger person, not a pussy. As she walks off in the rain, Weevil shouts “you’re going soft, Mars!”