A Shot at Love II With Tila Tequila: Can Somebody Get Me a Mop?

Hey gasmii, sorry I missed you all last week! I’ve got a good excuse though, really. You see, I was having a huge get-together, and things got a little out of hand. It was basically a Duke lacrosse party, only with lesser odds at getting laid. So, of course the po-po showed up and told us to keep it down. The guests weren’t having any of it though, and some uninvited pizza king from New Jersey felt the need to talk shit to the cops. This, of course, pissed them off even more, so I felt like I had to take one for the team, and I started hitting on Officer Pigfornicator. Unfortunately, he’s not into second generation immigrant hustlers, and me being a real person, living a real life, without cameras – I got tossed into jail. But finally, after many days in the clink, I’m here for you gasmii, to give you all your next dose of a SHOT AT LOVE II WITH TILA TEQUILA.

That sounds kind of familiar…

So, because I was getting a strawberry shortcake from some guy name Roy in a jail cell and missed a week, I should probably run down what happened on episode 2 of A Shot at Love II. I’ll try to get through it quickly. Basically, everyone moved into the house and the girls were all nervous that they’d get teabagged in the middle of the night. Chad brought a blow-up doll so that’s a valid consideration.

“Brittany better sleep with her eyes open cause I’m gonna give her the good old Early Gray tonight!”

So do you remember the last recap, when it didn’t make sense why Kyle would be participating in this show? For the most part he seems like a normal, good looking guy. Well, it becomes quite clear when after Tila pulls Lisa (the softball coach from New Jersey) aside for some alone time, and Kyle creepily hovers over them. He says menacingly that when he sees something he wants, he goes after it. The two try to dismiss him once more, and Tila moves on to the girl she’s most physically attracted to in the house, Sirbrina. After they do some stuff people didn’t show on television 10 years ago, Kyle comes once again, this time with a bit of a gay sass to him. He sits down and pats Sirbrina’s leg while she’s making out with Tila, then says to them, “You naughty girls.” He then tries to go in for the kiss and Tila gives him a diss turn of the head.

“Checkout this mother fu**er”

Continuing with the Vegas theme, they play a game with special dice that had clothes on them. Whatever article of clothing that was rolled must come off, and the person with the most article of clothings after everyone else got naked won a date with Tila. Things we learned from this: Kristy’s got a big ol ass. She wins the challenge for the girls, George wins for the guys and starts doing one of the dances from his gogo-boy routine.

“It’ll cost you twenty bucks to give me a blow j”

The date is at Tila’s “club” which looks like Tony Montana’s basement. George blows it by being his stupid, simple self. For example, when Tila asks what he likes about her he says, “everything.” Kristy, smelling an opportunity to pounce on an idiot, says that “men overlook the details.” George responds that one of the specific things he likes about her is that “I’m not very tall. So I mean, you being short definitely matches with me.” Tila laughs in his face, because he’s a dumbass. Because my smallest bowel movements are smarter than George, Kristy starts talking and comparatively looks brilliant in front of Tila. Seirously, George makes her look like Alan f’ing Greenspan.

After seeing that ass, my interest rates are going up.

Everyone runs upstairs, and Samantha goes right to the can’t-do-without-it, stripper pole. She falls into a slow split on the floor and does a gymnastic move worthy of a gold medal at the slutlympics. Bo, like my old soccer coach who knew the shift changes at the Gold Club (Any ATLiens familiar?), notes that it was the “patented stripper split bounce. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a thousand times.”

“It’s 3:30. Shift change at 4 o’clock. Wanna go hang out by the parking lot?”

My aforementioned encounter with the popo? I have to admit, it didn’t really happen. For any of you readers who didn’t catch this episode on tv, it actually happened on the show, but I call a hoax. I’m guessing these were two parking PA’s they rented cop suits out for and blurred their faces for effect. Would any cop on an ego trip put up with Jay yelling like an asshole and telling people to “keep partying?” Cause that happened. Or what about, if the rest of the party started to boo the cops there? Cause that happened too. What about if Tila tried to “Nguyen Negotiate with a happy ending” on the cops to leave the party alone? Yup, happened. Or, better yet, with cameras around, to rip up the ticket you just got from the cops for being a dumbass? You get the picture. What does this tell us about the message this show’s giving out? Well, if you’re a 13 year old dumbass watching at home who thinks these people are “adults,” do everything the opposite of what people on this show are doing.

Or You’ll have someone like this guy following you around all day when you’re doing 5 to 10.

As everyone gets ready for bed after a wild night of partying, Chad does a full pull-your-knees-to-your-shoulders fart that grosses everyone out, but makes me crack up. Everyone wakes up with a raging hangover, either from the heavy drinking or Chad’s flatulence – both can be rough on the body. Christian, however, knows the first good rule to cure a raging hangover – keep drinking! He says that’s how the do it in his country, and by country, he means the 24 hour Shell Mart near his barrio.

Cholo.

Tila arranges a “recovery room” with food, drinks and an oxygen bar. The oxygen gets to George’s head, and we realize why he seeks so much attention through his male stripping – he starts sobbing about how it’s his mom’s birthday and she died when he was 10. I wish I were just being cynical, but he totally knew he was going to use this at some point or another – it’s not like he forgot and then suddenly remembered while he was there. Although, this is George were talking about here.

“I’m sorry. I don’t usually cry unless I’m working out or looking in the mirror.”

Chad, our favorite contestant so far, is ready to cause trouble once more and teams up with bitchtits Jay to start a food fight. They start tossing lots of shit around, and Samantha, wanting to suck up a little bit, tells everyone to chill the eff out and clean the place up. Scotty the Tennis Coach, wants her to pipe down, so he pours a couple of protein shakes on her, but she doesn’t get the joke. She gets crazy stripper on his ass, and tosses some pasta or something on his face, smacking him with the container. She seemed so sweet until now, and I’m guessing the meth withdrawal must be kicking in.

“It itches.”

The house’s next game is called “BI My Love”, where one guy and one girl get into one of those windbooths where they have to try to grab either pink or blue dollars. The top three people with the most bucks at the end wins. “V”, Fame, and Brittany end up winning. They have a hot tub date, and Tila has them all do “impersations” of her. They’re all pretty stupid, but Brittany’s is the least offensive and Tila for some reason, thinks this is funny.

Hirarious.

Tila and Britany go into a completely transparent curtained off area, and start to get busy. Fame, however, picked up something from creepy Kyle, and barges in on the romance. Fame sings some bullshit off of fergie’s sister’s brother’s scrap heap, and everyone gets uncomfortable. Tila says she “doesn’t know how much fame she’s getting with that talent.” During elimination, Tila tells Fame that “this is not American Idol”, so she’s out. Fame is upset at the insult and says, “It sounded like something I’d write in my journal!” They require written journals of all patients at Spring Hill Psychiatric Center, so she’s telling the truth. Tila then says that Christian “sure likes to party”, but waking up in your lover’s vomit/the Caracas way isn’t for her, and he’s out as well.

Everyone tries to get a good night’s sleep. To avoid the fumes of Chad’s flatulence, or what I’ve now dubbed “The Chad”, people have resorted to wearing protective eyewear to bed. Either that or one of the girls got too fucked up last night and has a serious case of the glass eye.

Anyone got any visine?

We start the day off with Jay obnoxiously yelling at the top of hislungs that there’s a message in a bottle for everyone (although, to be fair, I think he only has one volume – tacky). The message? Anannouncement that Tila’s second annual Bi-athlon would commence. The guys feel that they have a lot to prove since last year’s group of d-bags couldn’t cut it. The girls, on the other hand, are ready for their testicles to drop and get this shit started.

“I think my voice just cracked.”

The Bi-athlon goes like this: Contestants must dress up in flippers and a wetsuit, run through a kiddie pool with all that shit on, go into a large pool and get a “pearl necklace,” run through the yard and dig your head into a tub of “blue balls”, and finally, go down a slip and slide. In other words, an entrance exam to Harvard, only harder.

“Daddykins thinks I should join the yacht club, but I’m happy here in the pool with my pearl necklace.”

The guys get off to a great lead, and the producers sure do seem to be relishing the fact that they made Kyle say he “got that pearl necklace good. The guys then hit a big wall when Ryan and Chad have big time troubles getting some metaphorical testicles in their mouths/at the blue ball station. Lisa really puts her butch lesbian skills to work, and catches up to Chad at the very end. Although, it seems like Chad’s either getting really frustrated or doesn’t give a fuck, since he starts to gnaw at the pool.

Tastes like taint.

Somehow, Lisa manages to not screw up the opportunity, and wins it for the ladies. Their prize is a “lesson” from Tila, but I think the only thing she could teach me is html code for myspace. It ends up being some weird lesbian teacher fantasy thing/13 year old version of me’s catnip. The girls are told that the first to write “I Love Tila” 24 times on the chalkboard would win some one-on-one time with her.

Rock of Love + The Simpsons

Lisa, MVP in the episode challenges, wins some alone time with Tila. She uses it as an opportunity to ask Tila why she was on the chopping block the night before. Tila explains that she hasn’t been putting forth enough of an effort since casino night. But Lisa decides to get confident and cozies up to Tila. This makes Lisa’s feel like a pimp, and she comes out with Tila like they just did a five minutes in heaven. For some reason this leads to some weird montage of the girls acting all slutty and ends with “V”, who wisely realized that a spank machine is a good idea at this point.

“I was bored.”

Speaking of bored, the guys (and Chad, in particular) aren’t doing much since the lady lovers are in control. And two things that usually end up bad – Chad and boredom. Chad convinces the guys that a panty raid is a good idea and the lemmings are only happy to acquiese. George starts jumping around shouting, “Not in my house,” and I seriously wanted to mute the TV and dub it with noises of monkeys screeching.

We shall call him Bubbles.

The ladies are back from their date and not happy. Kristy in particular is upset because while she “gets it’s a joke, you’ve come
into our territoriy.” So, she doesn’t really get that it’s a joke. LUckily, she gets into a fight with Jay, the worst person in the house, so I feel alright about rooting for her. Jay calls her a hoe, and she responds to him that “your mother is a hoe.” Jay, of course, flips out because he sucks as a person.

Saying that to an Italian douchebag from New Jersey is like drawing Muhammed with dog poo on a mosque.

I think Samantha might have a split personality. One second she’s tossing a plate of food into somebody’s face and screaming like a woman possessed, and the next minute she’s crying because Jay and Kristy’s immaturity match is really loud. She’s particularly upset with Jay and says that he’s the bully of the house, and that’s true considering most bullies are overcompensating for mommy issues. But I say she should deal with Jay the same way she did with Scotty – let her psycho, stripping personality, “Glitter”, to come out and beat the shit out of him.

More offensive than Mariah Carey, that’s for sure.

After the dramz, it’s the guys turn for their en masse date, and it’s “prom night”. Basically, it gives Chad an excuse to wear a bowtie with no shirt – like he needed one anyway. Tila takes a bunch of prom pictures, and there’s one in particular that, my guess, most accurately reflects a prom-aged Ms. Tila Tequila.

Seems like old times.

During the date we get to listen in on Tila and Jay’s date, as he offers some insight into his hormonally challenged brain. “Some girls like a badass. And there’s nothing wrong with being a badass cause if you don’t show your badass side, people need to see what you’re all about, knowwhatimean?”

No one outside of Secacus knows what you mean.

Tila then spends some time with Ryan, who she made out with right away, from the first episode. Now, however, Ryan doesn’t seem to be that into Tila. He says that she’s a cutie, and barely tries kissing her. He’s totally passive agressively trying to get her to break up with him by getting her not to like him as much, and I totally get those tactics. Who hasn’t done that at least once before?

“So, you into animal porn?”

Tila then goes to talk to Bo next and while he’s about to throw some cheesy/terrible game that will probably work, Chad and Jay are heckling him. Bo tries to ignore it, but ends up looking like a really annoyed hairdresser – I think the bright yellow shirt with the frills and well manicured body hair have something to do with it.

Or perhaps the fact that he just looks really really gay.

Meanwhile Samantha/”Glitter” are still crying about god knows what. She’s been whiny all day and the next challenge is going to be a big problem for her. Tila introduces something that she calls her “latest invention, the Conveyer Belch.” A quick aside – Is anyone as in love as I am with the idea that Tila is in a laboratory, coming up with new inventions all the time, like a super-fast nail dryer, or a machine that sews hooker dresses with the press of a button! Going back to the invention, the machine churns out shots of everything you’d find in your condiments aisle. Whoever between the guys and girls takes the most shots at the end of a few minutes won time with Tila. Let’s just say, this house doesn’t exactly have the strongest group of stomachs.

“Give me a minute…”

Basically, everyone pukes. As hard as it is to believe, literally everyone pukes. It’s like this odd orchestra of “blechs” and “yaks”. But Tila didn’t seemed fazed by it – matter of fact, she called out Jay for being too much of a little bitch and puking after every shot. I get a kick out of it mostly because if Jay wasn’t throwing up he most surely would’ve been making fun of everyone else who was. After an orgy of vomit is left all over the floor, the girls end up beating the guys by taking 68 total shots to 64 total shots. Chad says that the guys “are putting the male race to shame, here.” All while wearing, well, this:

Take the Chad seriously.

Tila really wants the girls to prove their love whatever it costs, even if it’s their dignity. After gathering them all together following their big win at the conveyer belch, Tila announces, with tremendous zeal, that they’ll now be eating pig’s vaginas. Some of the girls freak out about what a big deal it is while others see an opportunity to pounce.

I’ve got this in the bag. I’ve hooked up with plenty of fat chicks.

The first girl to eat porcine vagina gets a date with Tila and has to pick one of the guys to go on the date with them. Samantha, of course, cries and cries and doesn’t even try to eat it. It comes down to Lauren, Lisa, and Sirbrina, and like all good butches, Lisa finishes off the pig’s vagina first.

Pride.

Lisa picks Dominic to go on the date with her, which is a pretty shrewd move. Dom isn’t exactly a threat. Ever since his twin left, it’s like a part of his soul went with him. Or maybe it’s because he’s not wearing that superhero costume anymore. During the date, Lisa and Tila talk about what kind of girls Tila likes, and she admits that she likes aggresive ones. Lisa takes this as a cue and goes in for the kill. She’s doing really well with Tila, so Dom gets a little anxious. He cuts in mid makeout and tries to get a conversation going with Tila. But as the conversation moves, the topic of her bisexuality comes up. Dominic admits that he thinks bisexuality is a phase. Hey says, “You’re either straight or you’re not.”

“In other words, just because you screw a guy one time, doesn’t make you not straight.”

After Tila’s date with Dominic and Lisa, it’s time for elimination. Four houseguests will be going home that night, and Lisa’s defnitely not one of them. she gets her key first after dominating the last few challenges. Tila runs through the rest of the house until it comes down to Ryan, Bo, and Dominic. Tila kicks out Ryan because the spark that she felt the first night isn’t there. She kicked out Dominic because she was a little insulted by his narrow minded views on biseuxals. Really, when it comes to bisexuals, shouldn’t we be open minded?

And open-legged?

The last three girls come down to “V”, Samantha/”Glitter”, and Lauren. “V” got kicked out because she didn’t open up enough, but she’s pretty upset about the elimination. Tila also kicks out Lauren because she says that she’s having a better time with everyone else than with her. Samantha, of course, flips out and starts crying like she just won Ms. Nude World.

Thanks to my hairstylist, my waxer, my cheeleader and my best friend…mom.”

So that’s it for this supersized recap of A Shot at Love II. Looks like next week, that teasing between Chad and Bo gets serious, and you know it’s insta classic reality television. So, vomit your meal back up, smoke a joint, do something to fit another recap in your stomach for tonight’s episode, coming soon. Until then, gasmii!