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Well gasmii, the shit really starts to hit the fan this week on A SHOT AT LOVE II WITH TILA TEQUILA!. And it all comes thanks to the Chad, the guy everyone loves to hate. When we first met chad in episode 1 he made that ridiculous wangbone comment, and I thought the guy might end up filling the airhead role on the show. But, damn if the idiot didn’t charm me with that pillow toss at George later in that episode, and starting that food fight in episode 2 (and, for some reason I can’t explain, the wangbone comment). This week, however, Chad goes off the deep end. And while we don’t see the ultimate outcome (nice cliffhanger, producers!), it ain’t gonna be pretty.
The Chad is f’ing crazy.
The producers decide to start the show by taking a gamble – basically, making the houseguests pick a question out of a bucket about a controversial or personal topic, and provide an opinion. These topics better be about stripping, lifting weights, or Mad Dog 20/20. Otherwise, might as well get a room of babies to talk about Sylvia Plath’s Electra complex.
“I liked when my daddy touched me too! Next question!”
The first question is “Would you have sex with Tila in front of your parents?” Bo’s answer is yes and Jay’s like “really dude?” As I was watching, I said the same thing as Jay, which makes me want to hurl. Moving on – Samantha picks the following question and if there’s anybody in the house who doesn’t have an answer, it’s her: “What is one sexual deed that you haven’t done that you’ve always wanted to?”
“You got 5 hours?”
Samantha says that she’s “had all my fantasies fulfilled.” To which Chad, in confessional says, “No surprise there, because you’re a stripper, bitch!” Last week, some of the commenters really predicted the upcoming terrible streak Chad is about to pull off by describing their dislike for him. I still felt the jury was out. He’s an ass, but as I said before he can be funny and in a way, speak for all of us. I mean, as I was watching I said, “because you’re a stripper, bitch!” too.
But then, things changed, when Sirbrina asked, “Should gay marriage be legalized?” First of all, I understand that because there are gay and bisexual girls on this show, it make sense that question would be asked. But when you discuss something like that in a room full of meatheads, particuarly someone like Chad – well, that’s a recipe for disaster. Chad immediately blurts out “No!” and Sirbrina gets riled up. She’s informed on the issue and says that since she’s a firm believer in equal rights. Chad, who I’m sure watches “Meet the Press” every Sunday while waxing his balls and thinking of new ways to t.p. Ms. Henderson’s house, says that “It’s a good thing that it’s been shot down. You guys don’t know anything about it. There’s a reason why!”
Future Congressman/Bathroom Toe Tapper.
Chad takes the Chuck and Larry argument, saying that “it means everybody and their best friend is gonna go and say they’re married to get their buddy’s insurance and everything.” Brittany, who I believe may be the smartest person in the house (and that’s saying something from a girl who jumped on a pogo stick and licked a lollipop as a talent), makes the really obvious point that “straight people can marry each other and fake it.” Chad just got intellectually kicked in the junk, so his argument devolves into saying that gay marriage should be a “crime”.
So should frosted tips so someone could lock your gay ass up.
As Chad storms off, he can’t help but to land one more insulting blow, and asks the girls “Don’t you think a child deserves to have a father?” This sets Lisa off since she was raised by a single mother. Chad keeps going. He says that a “Child deserves to have a normal upraising.” He then gets yet another intellectual fist up the ass, as Lisa points at him, “Is this the product of a normal upbringing?” Everyone else, suffice to say, is a little awkward after that.
“I need to go to the bathroom, but I’m scared.”
Chad goes off to the kitchen and tells Jay that he feels like “hitting something,” while Jay laughs nervously hoping his ass doesn’t get kicked by his master. Chad’s says that he really likes Tila but he’s starting to think this isn’t worth it. And that, my friends, is a dangerous person. One who doesn’t give a shit whether or not he gets kicked off of the show. Anyways, enough with the psychoanalyzation of The Chad – on with the retarded games on this show.
How could we forget?
This week, Tila’s having her “Backyard Bi-nanza”, which officially means an ex-adult film writer is producing this shit. Looks like Tila convinced her friends at the local Coyote Ugly to donate some mechanical bulls for the day, or as I like to call them, drunk-girl-boob-shakers. For the first challenge, Tila has divided the house up into two teams – Team Yellow (George, Jay, Samantha, Sirbrina, Michelle, and Scotty) and Team Green (Chad, Lisa, Bo, Kristy, Brittany and Kyle). One player from each team goes one on one and a point is awarded to the team that wins the mechanical-bull-off. The Team with the most points wins a date with Tila and her assless chaps.
I just googled image searched Tila Tequila and saw a lot more than that.
Chad and George face off first, and Chad wins because he says that he’s “the one who’s used to doing the bucking.” George wins since he’s a lot more used to being a bottom. Sam and Bo face off and Sam loses immediately, saying “I’ve ridden other things, but not the mechanical bull.” We get it. You’re a stripper. You fuck lots of people and may/may not get paid for doing it.
Now go find a husband before you get ugly and can’t shake your titties no more.
Michelle faces off against Kristy and can’t handle the dizziness. She loses and is followed by Lisa and Jay. Chad notes that Lisa’s “wide ass couldn’t even get up on the bull, and I’m sure she’s rode a few in her day.” That doesn’t make sense considering Lisa’s the biggest bull dyke left on this show, so Chad, once again, you’re a soulles idiot. Nonetheless, Lisa loses to chad’s man-servant, Jay.
“I win this challenge for you, my lord, the Chad.”
Brittany goes up against Sirbrina, and is intimdated. After all, the description of Sirbrina on MTV’s web site notes that “As a professional mechanical bull rider, sweet and sultry Sirbrina knows how to rope herself a good woman.” Sirbrina wins despite the terrible puns MTV has bestowed upon her, and it comes down to Kyle and Scotty. Scotty is on the yellow team, who is up 3-2 and Kyle can tie it with a win. Unfortunately for Kyle, Scotty pulls out the win, and Kyle rips off his shirt in anger. Then he trips off of the inflated thing while acting all pissed, cementing his status as king of the douchebags.
“Who put that there?”
Tila goes out on her date with the Yellow team and the producers set up a western theme room, complete with Most Wanted pictures of Tila and a spitoon. They also really take the authenticity an extra level, when they decide to add a prostitute from western times – I believe most prostitutes back then would have had poor dental health and a nasty number of venerial diseases, so they really nailed it on accuracy.
Oh wait, that’s just Samantha.
Meanwhile, while the saloon date was going on, Tila assigned the losing team to whip her up some Chili. Bo decides to really take some initative and take charge on the chili making, and hey I can see where he’s coming from. But have any of you out there ever worked a food service or retail job where your manager was constantly looking over your shoulder? Bo kinda acts like that only more annoying. I worked at a smoothie place once and had a boss like that. When he wasn’t looking I’d still luna bars. I know they’re for chicks, but damn those s’mores ones are delicious.
You don’t have to be a chick to enjoy these, I’m telling you.
Suffice to say, everyone is getting fed up with Bo’s micromanaging. Kyle says that “even I got fed up with him,” which is saying a lot since he annoys pretty much everybody. Chad stayed surprisingly calm, although you could see his frustration with Bobo building (in Spanish, “Bobo” means “dummy”, and so that shall be his name from now on). Meanwhile, back at the Saloon, Tila has taken Michelle off to the side to get busy/talk about their connection. She thinks Michelle is cool, but it’s all the baaaah-staaaahhn accent, because if she were from Kansas City, Missouri I don’t think she’d be that cool.
After hanging out with Michelle, Tila moves on to George who’s being his old, cheesy self. Tila, tired about this ridiculous sweet boy front he keeps putting up, asks him about sex. George is completely speechless, and gets all embarrassed and ashamed and admits that it’s something to get shy about. I feel bad about making fun of George because he does mean well, but take a good look at yourself, George (and not in that flexing your muscles kind of way). As long as you keep acting like this retarded dope/poser on television no one is going to take you seriously. So grow some testicles, quit getting your body waxed, and hire a goddamn hooker.
Hayhor’s Prescription for Success: Before; (After TBD)
After a little hookup time with Sirbrina, Tila decides it’s time to “hang with the losers.” Bobo is completely oblivious to how much everyone hates him at this point. He completely takes ownership over the thing, but due to guilt/not wanting everyone to hate him (too late for that, Bobo) gives a patronizing speech about what each of his “chefs” did. Nobody appointed you the leader Bobo! So when you act like you’re doing everyone else a favor by pointing out what they’ve done instead of letting them speak for themselves, you kinda look like a douchebag on TV. You know what else I’m a pretty non violent person, but seeing this kind of passive aggression really makes me look forward to the crack in your face Chad is gonna deliver next week. And yet, for some reason, Tila compliments him and is really impressed.
Bobo of course, is feeling way overconfident and after Tila says goodnight to everyone he grabs her for a few minutes alone. Kristy is pissed that he got this time with her when they did as much work, but Kristy gets pissed off at everything. Bo’s time with Tila works in his favor, as she isn’t annoyed at all. And if he does get his ass kicked as they continue to tease in the promos, he’s totally gonna get a sympathy stay of execution all the way to the finale. Although if Tila likes this d-bag she can have him.
She looks like she’s 14, so I kinda get it.
The next day Tila has everyone go out for a pool party. Kristy started waving her “Ninth Wonder of the World” butt (Nice one, George) in the waterfall, which caused everyone to raise their drinks and hoot and holler. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say her butt has become a
Pretty soon this thing will start crying blood and then everyone will be all up in it.
During this pool party, we find out once more why Chad can no longer be supported. After hearing Brittany provide a nice critique of how obnoxious Jay is (I told you she was the smartest girl in the house), Chad admits that “Jay’s, like my road dog. He’s just, like, a cool
all-American young party animal like myself.” Anyone who thinks Jay is any of those things is clearly delusional. But I also think Chad is making himself look better for basically bossing Jay around.
Tila comes out and is looking newly plastiqued, but everyone is basically getting wet over it. Get it. haha. Cause they’re at a pool party. Ok, instead of a lame joke how about we have Michelle sum it up: “Tila looked like an absoulte heat wagon in that sexy bikini.” I googled “Heatwagon” and I think it’s literally, a wagon that heats a room. So, let’s see if there’s any resemblance.
The bobblehead maybe…
Tila comes to hang out with Chad right away, but all he ends up doing is treating her like a little baby and tossing her around everywhere. Tila seems to be a good sport about it, but I guess it’s because she’s 4’11″ and used to people tossing her around like a baby. As Chad tosses Tila up and down the air while screaming “goo goo gaa gaa” at her, Kristy feels the need to get some attention. So she shows her tits.
Kyle says that “Once the breasteses came out, it was one heck of a party.” But with the way Kyle says shit, he could’ve been at the freaking Israelites Golden Calf orgy and made it sound like a trip to the dentist. Suffice to say, every chick in the place started flashing their funbags, and a lesbian quadruple kiss developed. Tila, Brittany, Sirbrina, and Kristy all started getting up on Tila, and every guy in the pool stayed in the pool for about 15 minutes after it was over. Kyle, really gayly, says that “it was just “haaawwwwt” I could not sssstop ssssstaring”. Seriously, he might as well have been wearing a glove and putting the back of his hand to his forehead.
Oh maaaaahhhh. That is just makin’ me all hawt and bawthud.
Jay, of course, notices that everyone else is awestruck by what’s going on, so in a ratfink move, he grabs Tila and takes her for himself. Tila quickly gets away from Jay and starts making a move on Bobo in the hot tub. Bobo’s in Tila’s good graces apparently, as she gives him a handjob in the hot tub with 10 other people in it, staring at their every move.
All this lesbian quadruple kissing and under water hand jays are over however, and it’s time for another challenge. In the “Downpour Derby”, there are weird contraptions with pumps and two hanging buckets of water on both sides. Tila picks a guy who gets to pick a girl as his partner. She gives Georgie the first pick and he goes with Sirbrina. Bobo is next and picks Kristy. Jay’s up and he picks “Boston” but means Michelle. One of his many learning deficiencies is that he insists on people being named after states.
He prefers to be called “New Jersey” like, well, most of New Jersey.
Chad goes with Britany, Kyle goes with Lisa, and Scotty is stuck with Samantha. The way the game works is that each team has to pump water that will make this colored water pour over their heads. The first team with both members finished wins. Kyle and Lisa end up pulling it
out, and they win a date. It’s a mostly boring challenge, with the only worthwhile thing to come out of it being this picture of Kristy.
She’s either excitedly stabbing someone, or the happiest girl to ever JO some guy.
During Lisa and Kyle’s date, the 3 of them hang out in a really uncomfortable room. Kind of like those Nuni and Nooni Schoener sketches where they had guests sit in ridiculous chairs. Anyways, Tila notes that they made a great team today, but in the first place they didn’t get along so well. But, just because they pumped water at the same together the best doesn’t mean much. Kyle being a tightwad, can’t roll with the punches as Lisa gives him shit about being creepy back in episode 1. Tila is feeling the discomfort in the room, and decides to move Kyle over to her white snow tiger lined swing.
“Don’t worry – there’s like, White Tigers everywhere in Vietnam. We won’t miss ‘em.”
Just kidding, that shit’s made out of k-mart bedding. Anyways, Kyle’s feeling kinky swaying back and forth like this, and he asks Tila if she’s “ever done it on a swing.” Tila looks at him like he just told her that he just shit his pants and she realized it.
“Holy shit get this guy away from me!”
It’s almost lucky for Lisa that Kyle’s around because she looks so good compared to his crazy ass. Would she be where she is if Kyle hadn’t played such a big role in her dates? During this one he stares the two of them down as they’re on a different swing. Tila admits that Kyle at this point, is getting super creepy. Lisa gets a good bye kiss and KYle gets up thinking he’s gonna get one, only to be totally dissed by Tila. He’s definitely gotta be going home.
“Well, I guess I’ll have to go make out with my boyfriend now.”
Elimination time comes and Tila naturally gives Bobo and Chad keys first. When giving Chad his key she says, “You can be a douchebag sometimes, but you still have A Shot at Love.” There’s total producers meddling here but god damn he makes this crap more interesting, so
yeah, let’s keep him in a little bit longer. That is, until he probably gets kicked out by producers for beating this shit out of Bobo.
Anyways, it comes down to the final 4 people and it’s Lisa, Samantha, Kyle, and George. Basically, Tila sends home Kyle for being too creepy and sends home George for not being cool/too sweet. George gets really upset, and you can see all his self esteem problems bubble
to the surface (besides his obsession with his body of course). After George leaves the house, off camera, he’s clearly been crying and asks, “How can I be eliminated? Cause I’m too nice? So people like Chad and Jaythey’re just fucking up and doing the stupidest shit in this house and they’re still here. And then I’m here for the right reasons and the real things, and now I’m leaving. It’s just…It’s just fucked up.” I have mixed feelings about George here. On the one hand, George it’s your own damn fault. The reason Chad and Jay are still in the house is because they don’t act like they give a shit what other people think about them. You, are constantly trying to impress people. And that’s just not attractive. Kyle, meanwhile just leaves stammering away that he’s “not creepy”…
….as he lurks into the night.
After Tila’s crocodile tears over George, everyone is really upset and Samantha, Sirbrina, and Scotty cry with him as he leaves. George’s nervouse breakdown gets worse as he laments over getting “sympathy hugs” his whole life. Hulk Hogan was a fat kid. I wouldn’t be suprised if our pal Georgie was one too.
Someone take me to Ben and Jerry’s.
As everyone gets back to the house, Bobo is talking to Sirbrina and to his credit, genuinely trying to comfort her over George leaving. Jay, however, wants to start toying with Boy and tries to interrupt their conversation. Bo ignores him, so Jay starts acting more childish and calling him Bozo. He then asks Bo if he remembers how they almost both left the first week and are still there? Bo says the he’s lucky that he didn’t knock his punk ass out the first week and Jay makes some comment about headbutting.
Bo’s basically fed up at this point and starts yelling at Jay. Since Jay is an child, he decides to make a mess and toss cups everywhere as his response. The talking heats up to the point where Bo tells Jay that once he pulls his “head out of Chad’s ass…” All of a sudden he’s interrupted by a cup being tossed at his head. Chad starts going off on Bo, rips off his shirt and seriously looks ready to throw down.
“I will eat your children, which is no way meant to be a gay thing at all yet if you think about it, kind of can be.”
They pull Chad back and things look seemingly over. Of course, Bobo making it impossible to root for, starts talking shit again once Chad and Jay are leaving the room. Jay and Chad go off to another part of the house and start hitting each other to “blow off steam” or whatever gay shit white trash from Detroit and New Jersey do. Anyways, Bobo’s feeling cocky for some reason and thinks it’s a good idea to walk up to Jay and Chad and see what’s up. Right then and there Chad snaps, and we’re left with a fade to black, to be continued. The
suspense is killing me. Actually, you gotta figure Chad’s going home and Bo’s fine except for a cut. Still, I’ll get sick pleasure out of his pretty face getting uglified. We’ll see tonight! Until next time, gasmii!