Last week on A SHOT AT LOVE II WITH TILA TEQUILA, we saw some serious stuff go down. After seeing everyone’s favorite dying-for-acceptance case/George leave, Jay’s love for his master, the almighty floor installer from Detroit, Chad, was proven mutual as Chad fought to defend his lap dog. It all began with Jay interrupting a conversation between Bobo and Sirbrina. After Jay’s irritating personality became too much to bear, the high school football coach/pedafile told him to “pull his head out of Chad’s ass.” Chad, always one to step up and protect his boyfriend, hurled a can of pbr/milwaukee’s beast (one can only assume these would be the contestants favorite brands) at Bobo’s head, and had to be held back by the other houseguests. Bo, coming around to talk shit to chad but not actually throw a punch got the surprise of his life. The show ended on a freezeframe of Chad inches away from headbutting Bobo, leaving us all asking the same question, “I wonder what happens next?”
Well THAT makes sense.
Chad basically headbutts Bo, then pulls him in by his shirt to knock him in his jaw. Jay immediately gets the most upset of anyone, including Bo. He knows his cuddlebunny Chad is going home, and his heart is breaking into a million pieces. Bo, meanwhile, is bleeding like crazy and has a cracked jaw, at least. The rest of the house is in complete shock, and Brittany casually tells Chad that he’s going home. Detroit has the highest violent crime rate in the country. But, for that to happen Chad, it needs you. Don’t ever leave it again.
Those Motown floors aren’t going to install themselves.
Everyone is paying attention to Bo and he is spitting out serious blood. He has a split in the middle of his gum, and needs to be taken to the hospital immediately. Glitter of course, can’t help but begin to cry about it even if it has nothing to do with her. considering she’s the most annoying person left in the house (and that’s saying a lot), I don’t know how she continues to keep making it in this game.
“My teeth are split up the middle right now, and the thing that’s annoying me most is Glitter’s crying.”
They wake up the next day and Tila is somehow clueless to everything that happened the night before, including the ambulance coming to the house and multiple EMTs in the building. She must be a deep sleeper. Upon hearing the news, Tila is shocked and begins crying. Jay tells her that he tried to stop the whole thing and control Chad because he didn’t want to see him leave, but Brittany, speaking for everyone, points out that “this is totally Jay’s fault. He instigated it. He started it.”
“I didn’t want this to happen. Do you think I wanted my big bear to leave me?”
The next day, Tila gets on the phone with him and is making her best efforts to fake concern. The rest of the house speaks to him on speaker and have found out that he’s gotten stitches already and will get more after surgery. Afterwards, Scotty and glitter hang out in the bedroom, and these folks have the cleaning habits of my alcoholic aunt – lots of half empty beercans everywhere, and blouses strewn all over the floor. Tila, fed up with the sty, decides she’s got a case of cabin fever and that everyone should leave the house.
If you weren’t such slobs, it wouldn’t feel so stuffy in there.
She’s taking them all out to her favorite restaurant, but tells them to go ahead of her. She said she had some thinking to do about regrets, and the cheesy guitar solo rock music is cued. After talking in the car about how she feels bad that she made some bad choices and picked Chad, she pulls up to a corner in West Hollywood, and George is there waiting for her, dumb grin shining, and matching is sweetly stupid personality.
“Sometimes, when you’re out hustling or turning tricks, wonderful things can happen.”
George enters the restaurant and everyone acts like they’re excited to see him. He begins to act like a new man, emboldened by the enthusiasm everyone has for his return, and for some reason, acts less uptight. Jay, on the other hand, has been in the background and finally stopped shouting “New Jersey” every 15 minutes. Tila notices that he has, in fact, gone a bit under the radar in the past 24 hours, and asks what’s wrong with him. He tells her he’d like to talk to her privately about it, and you can’t blame him for not wanting to be in front of everyone when he starts crying about his long, lost master.
“I promised myself I wouldn’t do this…”
Tila inexplicably brings Michelle along, but she says little to nothing as Jay takes over the conversation right away. He basically uses the situation as an opportunity to take down George, but he raises an important question I often ask during these reality-television-contestant-kicked-off-comes-back-situations: How do you justify keeping someone you’ve already kicked off the show. Tila says she wants to give someone a second chance, but Jay doesn’t pay attention and keeps talking her ear off.
“Whew. I am so stuffed.” (with Jay’s bullshit)
Tila then brings Scotty and Sirbrina aside and talks to them about George coming back. Scotty notices that George feels more comfortable now for some reason, and Tila agrees. Sirbrina, on the other hand, doesn’t seem so pumped, and George is her self-proclaimed best friend in the house. She instead expresses some concern in her position at this point in the game, saying that at first she was getting noticed, but now she doesn’t know where she stands. It’s a good observation, but Tila admits that she still is very attracted to Sirbrina. And compared to Glitter, that’s got to count for something right?
What is she still doing here? She should be in the middle of an 8 to 4 shift at Lace.
Like Jay, Lisa is a little concerned with how fair it is that George is back. She confronts Tila in front of everyone, asking her, “Why’d you kick George out in the first place?” Tila doesn’t really give an answer, and Lisa starts whispering to Michelle that Tila is being “so fake.” Tila notices/saw the footage later, and says she is really ticked off that Lisa would disrespect her “house” like that. Tila decided not to talk to her for the rest of the night, and Lisa better win a date or she’s gonna get sent home.
Ever wonder what would happen if a dude got pms? Here’s your answer.
They all head home after dinner, and Tila sneaks off to bed. The rest of the house decides to party in celebration of George’s return, and the producers hilariously juxtapose it with scenes of Bo recovering from surgery. The way the sheet is hanging from Bo’s face, he kind of looks like he just got a botched plastic surgery and now has a really long nose.
Glitter’s crotch misses you Bo.
The next morning after everyone is slowly waking up, Bo arrives with a shit eating grin on his face, a knowledge that he’s getting to the finals on sympathy from here on out, and a stupid looking patch (not made of soul) on his chin. Everyone is ecstatic to see him, but Kristy, always quick to make a good observation, says Bo looks like the elephant man. He ended up getting a plate in his chin, and George, always the sucker, commends him for it.
“I would’ve cried.”
We then begin a montage of Jay looking like a porn fluffer and reminiscing about the times he’s been a jerk to Bo. He’s compelled to apologize to him, but Jay being Jay, doesn’t exactly say sorry for everything. He qualifies his answers with “At first I didn’t think it was a cheap shot, but it was a cheap shot, what he gave you. I didn’t want you to get HURT. God forbid, I don’t want ANYbody to get
hurt.” Bobo, however, manages to stay surprisingly calm and concilliatory.
Although, who’d get worked up talking to a guy dressed like this?
Bo finally gets to see Tila and gives her a stupid teddy bear he bought at the giftshop that squeaks a robotic “I love you.” Like George said so elouently, “If anyone here has love in their body, it’s Bo.” Tila, Vietnamese as ever, squeals with delight at the little noisemaking trinket, and leaves Bo “in like” as ever.
“My sympathy for you may turn into you getting booty. Congratulations!”
After the happy reunion with Bo, it’s time for the next house challenge. It’s the “Bubble Bath Burnout” which sounds like my and “The Dude”‘s favorite way to get mellow. In A Shot At Loveland, it’s a stupid game where one person sits blindfolded in a bathtub with wheels, and is directed by a person on roller skates pushing and telling them where to go. Bo, because of his recent surgery, has to sit this one out and Tila asks if there are any volunteers to sit this one out with him, for the sake of numbers. The old, trying to please everyone George comes out this time, and volunteers himself to sit out. Tila’s confused – she gave him another chance in this competition and he’s just going to throw it to the side and give it to someone else?
“I just want to be loved.”
Tila tells George her feelings on his offer to sit out, and he quickly reneges. Jay suggests something that he calls 21st finger, which I can only assume means what he and Chad did during playtime together. My guess was incorrect as it’s a game where people get in a circle and stick out a two or a one, making the 21st person the one out. Sirbrina loses this round, but she needed some time with Tila, so this is bad news for her.
Before the competition, everyone splits off into teams of two (Jay and Glitter, Lisa and Brittany, Christy and Michelle, and George and Scotty), and Brittany is concerned as all of Lisa’s partners have gone home now. She tries to make Tila promise that she won’t kick her out, but she shouldn’t worry too much – it seems she’s relatively sane compared to some of the other girls and is a potential finalist.
Seriously, this bitch’s karma smells like taint.
During the race, Jay and Glitter are having problems, as Glitter has always had problems telling the difference between left and right. Her sense of direction is based on the circular form of the stripper pole. George and Scotty are pushing hard, but crash into a wall, and Brittany and Lisa pull up right behind him for what looks like a the closest call Scotty’s genitals have ever had to getting railed.
Good thing I’m not well hung or that would’ve been a messy.
After a brief moment where the tub is actually pulling Brittany’s body across the track, her and Lisa pull out the big win. Tila acts kind of disappointed that, once more, Lisa wins. Tila is glad Lisa won since she’ll be able to confront her for calling Tila fake. During their date, they start off hanging out in the biggest bubble bath known to man. Tila grabs Brittany first and pulls her aside for some massage time. The masseuses look like the producers got them on loan from Spring Hills retirement home, but they do the trick and both girls are completley relaxed with one another.
“They’re much easier clients than Rose and Walter.”
Tila then moves on to her time with Lisa and is ready to get confrontational about “being fake.” Tila tells Lisa that they had the strongest connection before, but she feels betrayed after it is suggested that she isn’t being her true self. Ironically, Tila starts fake crying right away, and Lisa feels awkward. Tila continues to press the issue, after Lisa admits saying it and apologizing. Lisa, however, is like the dumbest guy on the planet in that instead of dealing with confrontation, she can’t stand to continually hear Tila’s complaints on the subject and just walks away.
Tila, however, doesn’t want to let it go and comes after Lisa. She starts fake crying and asking Lisa to come out of her room. She says that Lisa doesn’t realize how hard it is for her, but Lisa responds that she’s “scared” and “shitting my pants with this.” Tila, swooning, listens to Lisa continue talking about how uncomfortable she is with everything, and after raising her voice, Lisa gets her to shut up the only way she knows how – by kissing her really awkwardly.
“Now, will you stop talking?”
After planting Tila a big kiss, she looks at her with a stupid smile on her face and says, “I hate you.” Tila responds that she hates her back, and we’ve seen the lamest display of lesbian flirting since Cybil Shepherd guested on The L Word. In all seriousness, Tila seems annoyed and tired of it and wants to see an end to the “tough girl act.” I agree, if only for the fact that Jersey is textbook tough girl as defense mechanism.
Dude, you need to quit acting like such a meathead.
After Brittany and Lisa’s date is over, it’s time for elimination and Lisa’s ridiculousness is still fresh on everyone’s mind. Tila, however, sees how it could be a good thing since she’s a “woman of passion.” Lisa, feels that she’s probably going home tonight, but Tila pulls the big shocker out on everyone and gives Lisa a key first. Lisa, not knowing how to respond to the fact that the producers would like to keep her around, decides to give Tila a big kiss, and Tila always willing to commit fully to her role, acts like she’s into it.
You’re not going to get any action if you look more like a chick than Lisa does.
Bo is in because, according to Tila, he “literally took a shot at love.” Yes and he has the emasculating video to prove it. Christy is called next, followed by George who looks relieved. Tila tells him not to get too comfortable yet and always aiming to please, he stutters into some kind of appreciative statement about how he’s lucky to be there. Glitter’s called next since we need weekly, obligatory video of her straddling a stripper pole upside down. Scotty is then called and he responds that he’s loving this Shot at Love, but for those (like myself) who love to watch A Shot at Love the feeling is not mutual.
We get down to 2 keys and 4 folks left: Jay, Brittany, Sirbrina, and Michelle. After the date Brittany had, I don’t understand why she’s even under consideration to go home. That being said, she and Jay stay, and Sirbrina and Michelle say goodbye to their Shot at Love with Tila. No matter how attracted Tila is to Sirbrina, the looks aren’t enough as Tila is looking for a deeper connection. She’s truly shocked, while Michelle takes it in stride. But don’t worry Sirbrina – you’re hands down the hottest lesbo I’ve seen on reality television in a while – surely you will find some lipsticked lady to love you the right way.
I hear Jodie Foster’s single.
Jay is of course ecstatic he is still allowed to talk to Tila, let alone stay in the game. He shouts “Jersey” as he recieves his key and I’m hoping it’s for the last time on television. I hope you’ll join me in keeping our fingers crossed that next week, Jersey goes down. Until then, gasmii!