Rock of Love: The Age of Love

Hey dolls, welcome back to Rock of Love! Flasher’s back, so you know it’s a good week. Make your hair big and suck it in for some spandex, it’s time to rock and roll!

Somewhere, a child’s birthday party is missing clowns.

It’s the morning after, and Flasher is still in the house. It looks like she’s actually bunking with the hos, and I’m really hopeful that they’re going to pull a Miss New York and let her stay. She has turned this show back into the skank-fest it was originally intended to be.

And so they’re off to Vegas to “find an inner spiritual connection and party our asses off,” according to Bret. As they head toward the private jet, Bisexual Destiney’s excited to be traveling like a rock star. Bret reminds us of last year’s trip to Vegas, and then we see a montage of everyone puking and Psycho Herpes Lacey crawling across a table. Good times, hos!

Farmgirl voices her concern that Bret thinks she’s too innocent to handle his lifestyle. I don’t know why she’s carrying on like this isn’t a valid concern – she’s barely washed the puke off her hair from last week. Granted, keeping up with Flasher is much harder than keeping up with Bret, but still.

Ah, those were the days.

Now that the show’s a hit, Bret rates a better hotel! It’s the Hard Rock on the strip. And it’s, surprise, surprise, “awesome!” according to Bret. He’s been there many times, partied there many times and forgotten what he’s done there many times too. That is awesome. Muppet Daisy’s ready for Vegas, she wants to dance, party and be sexy.

The hos get into their suite, and are impressed by the bar and table full of presents. Presents? I perk up. Until I realize that they’ve been gifted a variety of painted plastic cowboy hats. Nothing but the best for Bret’s skanks. I sneer, while they rejoice at the fabulous gifts.

And now that we’re down to the final four, the hos are getting wary of each other. Muppet is confused, cause Bisexual’s her best friend, but also her biggest competition. And sticking with what works, Flasher immediately starts feeding them cocktails. “It’s not going to be boring!” she warns them.

Bret tells us it’s the “awesome foursome…and Heather”. That’s right, Flasher’s in a class all her own. He sends some golf outfits for Bisexual and Farmgirl, and tells Soccer Mom Ambre and Muppet that they’re having dinner with him later that night. Farmgirl’s thrilled. She’s got a secret weapon – she played varsity golf in high school. Good for you princess, but extracurriculars aren’t the way to Bret’s heart.

Fluorescent pink, too much eye shadow, and his hair from back in the day should do it, though.

Once Farmgirl and Bisexual are decked out in their golf ensembles, Flasher decides they need to 80′s it up a bit. She teases their hair like crazy, and cause they’re all trying to impress her, they go along with this crackpot scheme. Flasher cackles at how dumb they are. “80′s hair is out. Even I know that…,” she scoffs. Um, Flash? “…now” she amends.

When Bret takes a look at his ratty hair hos, he says it brings back memories. To the days when he had hair of his own. They show us Exhibit A: A clip of an old time Poison video.

Flasher reminds us that Bret has invited her to Vegas to finish her mission of getting dirt on the skanks. Muppet tells us that she can’t picture Bret and Soccer Mom in a relationship. Agreed. Soccer Mom tells us that Muppet’s biggest strength is her sexuality. And the problem with that would be what?

Flash decides to sit down with each of them and figure out what’s going on. Muppet immediately tells her that she has no competition, and nobody can beat the chemistry that she has with Bret. This is so the wrong tact to take with Flasher.

And sure enough, Flash slaps her down with the news that none of them are good enough for Bret. Muppet says she thinks Flasher doesn’t like her. This is one intuitive ho.

Those lips are injected with Ginko Biloba and Vitamin C. Smart cookie.

Then it’s Soccer Mom’s turn. “Who’s not right for Bret out of the four of you guys?” Flasher asks her. Soccer Mom pokes her head in Muppet’s direction, and tells her that Muppet is codependent and looking for a way out. But aren’t they all? Flasher’s advice to Soccer Mom is to bring Muppet’s issues out into the open. Flasher’s decked out in her stripper’s day off look, complete with bandana and indoor sunglasses. I’m missing the Joey Buttafuoco pants though.

And back to the date, Bisexual, Farmgirl and Bret are going to the Angel Park golf course. The hos look ridiculous, like they’re dressed up for Halloween. As for Bret, well, fake hair and trendy jeans aren’t really appropriate golfing attire, but he looks hot.

They start by stretching, which is the perfect opportunity for Bisexual to bend over and stick her ass in Bret’s face. “Stretching’s good,” Bret comments. Bisexual’s rock and roll, he says, but he may want something more. Don’t front, dude.

OMG you have a cavity on your second molar. You should get that checked.

And Farmgirl has deluded herself into thinking that her golf prowess is going to land her this rocker. She repeats that he sees her as the girl next door, and she wants him to see her sexy side. Oh, then golfing’s definitely the way to go. Every time she lands a shot, she kisses him and jumps all over him. It’s less sexy, and more cute, like a little puppy.

Bisexual sucks (duh)…at golf, I mean. Bret’s giving her pointers and being very encouraging with comments like, “We’re almost up to the next tee!” Bisexual admits she doesn’t know anything about golf, but she can definitely get his attention. So she bends over again, and shows her ass. She’s a one trick ho.

After the date, Farmgirl is feeling good about things and hoping that the nighttime date goes really badly. They return to their room, and Muppet makes some comment about how it’s time for her and Bret, which for some reason, Bisexual finds incredibly rude. Doesn’t take much to ignite this ho.

Farmgirl trails Soccer Mom into their room while she readies herself for the dinner date. Soccer Mom says she’s nervous, and Farmgirl’s advice is to “just be yourself.” That’s some badass advice, Farmy. Who’s calling you innocent?

Instead of being concerned with herself, Soccer Mom is consumed with the fact that she feels like things about Muppet don’t add up. “Bret needs to know,” she says. Muppet looks hot, but Soccer Mom looks – well, like a soccer mom on her night out. Her red dress is tight, but she’s not even showing any boob. Not exactly bringing you’re A-game, ho.

Maybe she’s born with it.

Bret tells us the date is going to rock, and that the girls need some meat. I have to switch gears and take my mind out of the gutter for a second when I realize he means he’s taking them to a steakhouse. He’s still wearing that purple tie-tied bandana from last week. It’s all I’ve got to hold on to, and it ain’t much.

The first thing he tells them when he sits down is that “someone’s got a story to tell, and someone’s lying to me.” It’s obvious he means Muppet, but when I see the previews for next week, I learn that Muppet isn’t the only one. But we’ll get to that later.

So, we’re back to the problem of Muppet still living with her ex-boyfriend. “Explain,” commands Bret. And Muppet’s solid reason for living in a one-bedroom apartment with her ex is that “he doesn’t have a job, but obviously I do, so we stay in the lease.” She really can’t understand why it’s even still an issue, and whines that it hasn’t been easy. I disagree, I think everything about Muppet is very, very easy.

She then goes completely overboard and tells Bret that she hasn’t been with anyone in two years. “One night stands, then,” nods Bret knowingly. “No, that’s not how I roll,” says Muppet defensively, while she tries to stuff her big fake boobs into her teeny, tiny dress. Bret’s no dummy, and he’s not buying it.

“People don’t understand,” Muppet cries, “We’ve been through some crazy ass shit,” she continues, like this explains everything. Puh-leeze. “Explain,” Bret repeats “You’re leaving out a chunk, and it’s confusing.” She’s worried that Bret doesn’t understand. Well, what’s to understand, ho? You live in a one-bedroom apartment with your ex! Who’s sleeping where? But Saint Muppet says that it’s all simply because she’s not in love with her ex, but she wants him to be ok.

My vagina soothes him. What’s the big deal? It’s like giving him aspirin.

And this is where Soccer Mom pipes in. “It must be hard,” she says faux-sympathetically, “How do you pay for your implants and your lip injections and still support him?”

“I make really good money,” gloats dopey Muppet. Well, what do you do, Soccer Mom asks her. Muppet pauses, realizing the hole she has just jumped into. And then she breaks the news – she’s a “dancer”. That means she’s a stripper, which in Bret’s eyes means a party girl, which means she’s not gonna be an option for Bret, who fancies himself waaaaaay above that sort thing.

“So, no debt or anything like that?” Soccer Mom pushes. “Oh, no I have a shitload of debt,” Muppet defends herself. So, first you’re supporting the ex cause you make such fabulous money, but now you’re putting yourself into debt to do it? There is a chunk missing, and I’m dying to find out what it is. But Muppet’s final defense to Soccer Mom is that she doesn’t know the situation, so she should pipe down. Oh. Well, I’m satisfied. I’m sure there’s a very legitimate reason for all for all of this.

Two huge sacks of debt.

And back at the suite, Flasher is stirring the shit up by telling Bisexual that Muppet thinks she has no competition in the house. And this infuriates Bisexual. “The more I think about it, the madder I get, cause Daisy thinks she’s already won Bret’s heart.” Well, I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that Muppet’s already won some part of Bret’s anatomy, but I don’t think it’s anything above-waist level.

They’re sitting around in their ugly cowboy hats. Bisexual’s is Pepto-pink, and Farmgirl’s is (appropriately) cow print. I know they’re trying to impress him, but he’s not there at the moment, and the cameras are recording this for posterity, so why? I mean, why?

Bisexual starts carrying on about how she’s so offended that she can no longer bunk with the deceptive, conniving Muppet. “I need to get out of that room!” she screams as she flings herself on the pool table. “You do,” agrees Flasher, thrilled to have instigated so efficiently.

So, Bret, Soccer Mom and Muppet leave dinner with the plan to go back to the suite and have a great time. Meanwhile, Bisexual is acting like a crazy banana, and the moment Muppet walks back in their suite, she attacks her. “It’s gonna be on like Donkey Kong,” Farmgirl tells us. I would have gone with, “Shit’s gonna hit the fan like Pac Man”, but maybe that’s just me.

Nobody knows.

“I’ve been wondering about your past relationship,” Bisexual baits Muppet, who breaks out the old standby, and completely nonsensical defense that she’s not a cold hearted person who would kick him out on the street. Sweetie, it’s been two years. I don’t care how you color it, there’s just no excuse for carrying this loser any more.

Things get pretty ugly between Bisexual and Muppet. There’s shouting and shit going back and forth so fast that I don’t even get to write it down. It’s a solid bitch fight, though, that much I can confirm.

And then, Soccer Mom jumps in the mix. She has things to say to Muppet too! “I’m here for Bret,” is her nugget of important information. Farmgirl sits by and says nothing, cause she’s the smart cookie of the group. And Flasher sits, smiling victoriously, trying not to laugh.

Mission accomplished!

“There’s a lot of questions,” Soccer Mom informs Muppet. “Well, they’re questions for Bret!” Muppet retorts. Bret and the viewing public, ho. We’re not watching you for your intelligent contribution to the world. We want the dirt!

“Obviously, Bret’s understands,” snips Muppet. Obviously, he does not, ho, or he wouldn’t have spent the whole dinner trying to get to the bottom of your web of lies. And this pisses Soccer Mom off too. “I’m tired of people taking away from my time with him,” she yells in Muppet’s face. Et tu, Soccer Mom? Did a production assistant corral you and tell you to bring the dramz if you want to stay in this game? You’ve been much too normal thus far.

There’s yelling and screaming, and then finally, Flasher chucks a glass at Muppet, and you know Flasher has perfect aim, so it comes dangerously close to Muppet’s head. Loves it! “You don’t get to be with my friend,” Flasher tells her, venom dripping from each word.

Why can’t gangs just throw Red Bulls at each other’s heads? The world would be such a happier place.

And at this juncture, Big John pops in to cheerily inform the hos that it’s time to go visit Bret in his suite. So they head upstairs and try to act normal, while they’re all busy hating Muppet. Bret points out a room sized conference table, in case they decide to have a business meeting. Or an orgy, cause, come on.

There’s also a private blackjack table, and while they hos stew with Muppet hate. Bret innocently (or not) makes some comment about ex-husbands, which leads Bisexual to self-righteously declare that at least she doesn’t live with her ex, and you can guess where it goes from there. That’s right, another fabulous bitch fight! Flasher, this is a job well done.

Anyway, it all happens pretty quickly, but Muppet and Bi are in each other’s faces, and then I think Bisexual throws something at Muppet. “John, come over here and deal with this,” Bret says disgustedly, but obviously secretly thrilled that something’s finally happened to perk up what’s thus far been Snooze of Love, at best.

“Why are you guys disrespecting Bret?” Big John wants to know. Disrespecting, my ass. It’s ratings, bitch boy! But Bisexual is immediately repentant. She feels like her temper has gotten the best of her. Sweetheart, your temper is the best of you. Well, that and the fact that you’re a total groupie whore. Otherwise, you would have been out weeks ago.

Brett! Put your weave back on!

Muppet is convinced that Flasher has filled the other girls with thoughts, and because they’re weak, they acquiesced. That, and cause what Flasher’s saying is true. Then Muppet throws a “Do you know who I am?” into the mix. She’s Oscar de la Hoya’s niece, and according to her, genetic osmosis has given the gift of ability to knock the other hos out. Whatever. My uncle’s a chemistry teacher, doesn’t make me Madam Curie.

And then Bret bursts back onto the scene. He kicks all the hos, including Flasher, out and yells, “You!” at Muppet, “Walk over to my room right now!” Oooooh, Daddy’s mad! “I’m done, man, I’m fucking done,” he bemoans. Contractually, my dear, no you’re not. You’ve still got three more weeks.

I can’t believe even Flasher’s kicked out, and you can tell she’s humbled by it too. So he gets Muppet alone with her sob story. “Everyone has a past, but I need to get to the bottom of your story. There’s too many holes,” he tells her.

“Just cause I care about somebody…” she starts whining, but he interrupts her with the age-old reality dating show question of are you here for the right reasons? Well, are you, man-ho? We all know you’ve already got a baby mama and little ones at your McManison in Encino.

But, somehow Bret determines that while Muppet has deep-rooted issues, she’s still fighting, and Bret believes she’s there for him. “Just be straight with me, and we’ll work through it,” he consoles her.

And indeed Muppet walks away from the talk with a somewhat smug, “Bret’s comforting me and it’s awesome.” She heads back to the ho suite, and all the drama (or sex, we didn’t see everything that happened in Bret’s room) has literally forced her boobs out of her tiny dress. Soccer Mom informs us that she has no interest in talking to Muppet. She’s done. “Done!” she repeats, managing to stop herself before sending Muppet to bed without any dinner and grounding her for two weeks.

The Wii will be in my possession until you learn how to behave, you little bitch.

The next day, Bisexual is very upset that she made Bret mad, and she feels like she could be going home because of her outburst. But she’s still hoping to fix the damage.

Bret invites Flasher into his suite for another update. The first person they dish on is Soccer Mom. Flasher isn’t sure she’s his type. As for Farmgirl, neither one of them is sure it could be love, but Flasher admires her for being smart and just watching the ho smackdown of the night before.

Bret’s concerned that Bisexual is too aggressive – he points out all the hos she’s wanted to punch out and her habit of knocking drinks over. He thinks she’s not going to be cool backstage. And I think Flasher’s already made her point about Muppet.

And then, sadness. Bret asks Flasher to leave. He tells her he can’t get into their heads with her here because she’s too big of an entity. Indeed, Flasher is worth ten of these second rate hos. She reminds him that she’s always got his back, and is available for Season Three, they kiss and then she’s gone. Bret reminds us that she rocks, as though we needed reminding, and that he loves her. Then why won’t you be with her, dumbass? You are perfect together!

Apart, you’re just…odd.

Flash goes back to the suite and says goodbye to the hos – all except Muppet, who sits alone on her bed with a paper plate of food. And then Bret wants some one on one time with Farmgirl and Muppet.

Farmgirl is up first, and she greets him with her adorable puppy dog kiss. “Here’s what I love about you,” he tells her, “You’re sweet and innocent and you have a ton of energy.” But he’s worried he’d be bringing her into a world that’s a world of “jaded hurt”. I’m telling you, this whole experiment is just an exercise to come up with new Poison song titles.

Farmgirl says that she hopes he trusts her enough to know what’s real and what isn’t. You know, I can’t say anything too bad about Farmgirl. She’s adorable, natural, sweet and clearly the smartest of the bunch, but for all these reasons, she is not for Bret. And she leaves him more confused than ever, everything he told her was positive, but he still has concerns. You see, little cowpoke, what’s positive in real life is a negative in the Battle of the Hos.

So, are we getting married or what? My dad will totally give you a cow.

And then it’s time for Muppet. Will she finally come clean? Bret’s playing guitar, and Muppet’s in a little sweater set, trying her best to look innocent. He tells her that in his gut, he feels the story is not out there. Muppet’s immediately annoyed, she didn’t know they were going to get so deep. Gaaaaawd, why won’t he just accept that contrary to all her shady ways, she’s really just a pure soul?

And then comes a bombshell…not THE bombshell, cause I think there’s a lot more, but Muppet breaks the news that at one time, she had a relationship with C.C.! For those of you non-Poison fans out there, C.C. is the guitar player, whom Bret has a very contentious relationship. And no, I am not proud of the fact that I actually know this. But I do, so there it is.

“What the fuck?!?!” is Bret’s response to this news. “Was it physical,” he asks her dubiously. I say, most definitely. There’s no way this wannabe wouldn’t take advantage of the opportunity to fuck a member of Poison. C.C.’s a good stepping-stone. Literally, he’s kind of tiny.

“Never!” is Muppet’s response to the sex question. Bret doesn’t look like he believes it. He says again that he can’t seem to get to the bottom of the barrel with this thing, cause more keeps coming out. He prays that she’s not a groupie. I pray that they bring C.C. back to dispute the claim. He never shuts up. It’s annoying as hell, but potentially very entertaining.

He’s got a baby and a baby momma too! Spinoff?

Bret concludes by telling Muppet that he’s attracted to her, but not emotionally there yet. It’s a lose / lose situation, Muppet says. If she tells him the truth, he’s not going to be cool with it, but if she doesn’t, he’s gonna know that she’s hiding something. What is it already? Ho, I need to know!!!

They head to Body English in the Hard Rock for eliminations. Farmgirl, who’s looking a lot like last season’s Badass Brandi M. (still love that ho, porn and all), says she thinks that Bisexual’s too crazy. Soccer Mom feeling good up on her soapbox. She picks up where Bret’s left off with the clichés this year and says that he’s got bigger fish to fry and other skeletons to pull out of the closet.

Muppet says it’s going to suck so bad if she goes home, cause she put everything she had on the table. What? Five minutes ago, she was telling us that if she tells him everything, she’s going to lose him. This is one deluded ho.

But she has nothing to fear, cause Bret gives Muppet the first pass. He thinks she has passion for him, he has passion for her and he wants to believe in her. I’m happy she’s staying too, cause if I know my crafty producers, the truth will come out eventually, and if they’re making us wait this long to hear it, it’s got to be goooood.

Muppet is bawling and pretty much falling apart. She wants to tell him she loves him. He hopes they’re past the secrets, and he understands everyone has things they’ve done, good or bad. He knows there’s a past, but he thinks he’s falling in love with her. Really?

I am going to cut that ho.

Naturally, Bisexual is furious cause Muppet is a “fucking liar”. And it doesn’t get any better for her, cause the next pass goes to the ho who is “strong, smart and lets everyone know how she really feels”. It’s Soccer Mom. She’s crying too, but Soccer Mom’s full of shit. Keep reading for the best news ever about her!

And Farmgirl’s not feeling so good. She’s trying to hold back her tears. Bisexual has a snakeskin bra hanging out of her shirt, and I appreciate it, cause the only thing Bret’s giving me tonight is a straw cowboy hat.

He articulates the problems with Farmgirl – she’s sincere, beautiful and young…but he fears that innocence and “youngness”. Shockingly, this is an actual word. As for Bisexual, he’s worried that she has a quick temper, and he’s worried that she could cost him a fan. Or a lawsuit. But he knows that she’s here for him, and not just a fan.

“John,” says Bret very seriously, and BJ hands him the pass. And it’s Bisexual! “Do you think with all the insanity, you can deal with it when someone gets in your face?” I do, Bret, I do, she promises him. Then he wants her to stay. She clings to him, but he kind of looks over it.

And Poor Farmy. She’s so sad. She says she just wants him to be happy, but she wishes he could be happy with her. Come on, honey, you’re too good for all this, and props to Bret for knowing it. He tells her he doesn’t get a tear in his eye too often, but she’s a good person and his lifestyle would destroy them. “As sexy as she is,” he says, “She needs to find someone who’s a young soul like her.”

Farmy feels horrible, but she did everything she could, she put her heart on the table, and she doesn’t regret it. “If you’re not right for someone, you’re not right for someone,” she says in her strong voice. I’m liking Farmy so much right now, I can’t even call her “ho”.

Ho in Training

“Two rocker chicks and Ambre,” Soccer Mom crows from her comfy soapbox. Bisexual says that Bret has feelings for her, and it’s anybody’s game. Rock of Love is not a game, ho! I know, I take this much too seriously.

“I put every, single thing on the line. I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere!” Muppet says defiantly. Every, single thing? Talk about Muppets in Space.

Bret reminds us that he’s looking for Rock of Love, not Rock of Like or Rock of Lust. He pops open a Bret Brew for the ho toast in honor of sweet Farmy, about whom he has not a bad thing to say. He also toasts to Vegas to “winning big, or if you’re like me, just losing a lot of money.” The hos laugh like this is the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. I guess it is a game.

Next week, it’s time to meet the parents. And here’s the big news, and I can’t believe they put this in the previews, but Soccer Mom’s thirty-seven! Thirty-seven! 3! 7! And she’s got the nerve to call out Muppet for keeping secrets? How I love to see a self-righteous ho knocked down.

Can’t wait for next week! Kisses til then…

Come to mama!