I Love Money: The Beginning

Well hello gorgeous dolls, and welcome to VH1′s latest foray into challenge based reality programming – I Love Money. Well, who doesn’t? But we’re not all willing to wade into the cesspool that VH1 calls “celeb”-reality for it. You know, in this world there are two kinds of people. There are those who do, and those who sit back and watch those people make total asses of themselves. I suppose there is a third category for people who waste hours of their day writing about it, but let’s not go there. Better to just head over to Mexico for a wade in the ol’ faux-celeb cesspool. Everybody pack a full body condom? Well alright, let’s go!

Let’s not waste any time.

The first thing we see is two boats speeding through the ocean while tribal music pounds in the background. It’s all very Survivor-esque. This show demands to be taken seriously! We get a brief recap of how they all came to land here, which basically shows a bunch of people getting dumped by Bret Michaels and Flava Flav. Seventeen people. Six reality shows. And one cash prize. Welcome to Mexico, dolls.

And with that, the first person we meet here is Frank, otherwise known as The Entertainer. Have I mentioned no new nicknames? All the Rock of Love hos have already been named, and Miss New York’s very, very hard working production assistants and Flav have taken care of the rest. And thus, I have made the executive decision not to re-nickname those who hath already been nicknamed. It’s repetitive.

So, back to Entertaining Frank. Okay, perhaps a reworking of the nickname. But no more than that, I swear! He was eliminated from Miss New York’s show with her edict that he (and his parents) were losers. Miss New York is so mean. From what I’ve seen of the Entertainer and his family in the preview show, they…well okay, perhaps the loser thing isn’t too far off, but they’re very lovable losers, you know? The kind that could carry their own reality show. Hint. Hint. Hint. Entertaining Frank’s here to win the money, but if he can kill two birds with one stone and also find his true love, all the better use of what remains of his quickly dwindling fifteen minutes.

When’s the reality show where the prize is a GED? I’m just saying.

The next person we zero in on boatside is one of my favorites, Grandma Rodeo! Can I get a YEE HAW? The reason why she’s here on the show is to win money, and that’s all. Good call Granny, as far as these I Heart NY boys go, you’re more man than they’ll ever be and more women than they’ll ever get. This is proved with a flashback to one of my favorite Rock of Love moments ever, Granny in her white jammies, breaking up Psycho Rocker Herpes Lacey’s fight before it dares interrupt her beauty sleep. Granny, I don’t want to hear any nonsense about how much you miss your kid this time. You came to play, now play. Do me proud, Granny.

Next up is one of those boys, and that’s Chance. He’s from I Love NY, and he’s incredibly scrawny, a condition that’s only accentuated by his enormous trucker hat. And as we all know, there is no love lost between Chicky and the trucker hat. Even though some find him to be a hothead, he’s just keeping it real, says Chance. Chance informs us that as far as the challenges go, he will not be eating any cow “thingys” or Ding Dongs. Is he speaking allegorically, or of the actual chocolate, crème filled cake? Cause those are tasty. I can’t think of a reason why anyone would forgo a Ding Dong challenge.

Challenged Ding Dong

Perched on the side of the boat in cheap shades and a new weave, is the biggest whore on the shore, Pumkin. She reminds us that we know her from spitting on Miss New York. Now, there’s no doubt that Pumkin is probably the skankiest skank to ever grace a reality show – I am armed with Lysol spray and prepared to shoot every time I see her face on my television screen – but she is completely accepting of her status of a whore and a bitch, and hello, she spat on Miss New York! Also, she’s guaranteeing some hookup action on the show. It might mean I have to add some Clorox to my arsenal, but so far…Pumkin’s sort of alright with me. I know, weird, but pickins’ are way slim with this group.

And then we hear from Mr. Boston. He hasn’t been in Mexico since spring break ’03 (par-tay), and he’s currently in the throes of a deep moral crisis…deciding which ho to “work the Boston charm on” (translated: which ho he will become infected by).

We get a short (hee hee) respite from Midget Mac, who tells us that they’re on a boat and that means party like a rock star! Ugh, when is this “party like a rock star” thing going to go away? Can we chuck it with the trucker hats? I can’t help but feel a little bad for Midget Mac – I mean, I’ve seen the shantytown where he lives, but I’m sorry, these boats are less rock star than Gilligan’s Island.

Then we meet Heat. What I enjoy about Heat is that he flat out told Miss New York that she would come last with him, after his Mom and his Grandma. He’s there to win, and he’ll take anyone out. “Man, woman…midget,” he says confidently. Well, the best I can say is I like the competitive spirit.

Why don’t we start partying like Adult Contemorary stars? Daughtry looks like he’s having a good time, too.

Next comes one of the most loathsome reality show hos ever, Butterface Megan. She tells us she’s famous for “wearing bikinis all the time and looking hot”. Yes darling, you’re the hottest ever, so long as no one’s looking above breast level. Butterface has brought her little doggy with her, because it’s Mexico – the Chihuahua’s homeland. And when I say Chihuahua, I’m talking about the actual dog. Just so we’re clear.

So, our folks get to shore and Chance informs us that the first “challenge” is getting off the boat. This is the challenge. To get off a boat. In about one inch of water. Oh my. We certainly have our work cut out for us here. Well, everyone manages to brave this insane challenge, and safely tumble off the boat to shore…all except Nibblz and Midge Mac. Mac tells us that ever since he saw his uncle drown at a family reunion, he’s been terrified of the water. This one time? At a family reunion? My uncle drowned. I dunno, sounds kind of rehearsed to me. A little too pat, you know, like he’s not going to admit he’s just scared of the water, so he’s got to build a back-story.

As for Nibblz, I don’t know what the hell her problem is. “Oh shizzle, Mac’s about to drizzle!” Mac tells us. Can this guy craft a sentence or what? And that’s another thing we need to stick with the trucker hats and the “party like a rockstar”…the “izzle”. Unless your name is Snoop. And I only exempt him cause he started it.

Well, long story short (I’m sorry, that one was not intentional, but hee hee anyway) Twelve Pack (or Heat, I’m getting them confused) rescues Mac from the terrifying boat ordeal. Scoops him up in his arms, and valiantly carries him to shore, while music swells in the background. I’m still not sure which guy it is, but he says he did it because perhaps Mac will have his back somewhere down the line.

Smartest contestant so far.

After the extreme challenge of getting off the boat, it’s time to meet our host, Craig J. Jackson. The “J.” means he’s a very serious host. The Alex Trebek of VH1. But I’m not going to talk too much on Craig J., cause he’s kind of hot. Like Blair Underwood, only a little darker. Pretty. And whiter than the whitest dude on this show, cause he pronounces Flava Flav as “Flavor” Flav. Please. There are Carolina Klansman who know better than that.

Craig J. reminds the group that they’re playing for $250,000. Maybe like $125,000 after taxes. He blabs a little more about what they’re in for – physical and mental challenges. Heaven help us, these people found disembarking off a friggin’ boat challenging. And then he sends them streaming into the house to check it out and choose rooms.

Okay, why are they not identifying these people on the bottom of the screen? The girls I know, but I never watched I Heart NY at all, so all I know is the midget and the really, really white guy from Boston. Anyway, one of the other white guys, not Entertainer, tells us that he’s in an alliance with Chance and Real, the brothers. It’s a strong alliance. “MIA” they tell each other in flashback. Ahhh, Miami. Old people, G-string bikinis and bros. It makes perfect sense.

Anyway, this particular white guy – who I check my notes from the casting special, and what do you know? His name actually is White Boy – takes up residence in a bedroom with about five of the hos. Everyone else scrambles around for a place to sleep, and since there’s one less bed than there is contestants, Mr. Boston is left out in the cold. He slips on his flea market shades to let us know that even though no one wants to room with him, he’s still super cool, and asks Toastee if he can bunk with her. He tells her not to worry, nothing will happen, unless she wants it to…and in that case, he can go all night. No worries indeed, Toastee was the amateur porn star, remember? And it comes out that Nibblz was the one who informed Flav of this shocking whore allegation that ultimately got her eliminated, so now Nibblz and Toastee got a beef. Toastee is just happy that Pumkin’s there. Pumkin’s the only one she can trust.

I can’t imagine why this one would have trouble feeling accepted.

Speaking of alliances, Heat and Twelve Pack are in what they’re calling the Party Boy Alliance. Flasher Heather and Bisexual Destiney are going to officially be besties as well. Flasher’s hot for Twelve Pack. Oh, Flash. I’m nauseous. Heat and Destiney have something going on as well. Now I’m physically vomiting. They all four decide to be in one big alliance/orgy together. But who’s that lurking on the balcony? It’s the Entertainer! And he warns that if Heat doesn’t treat Destiney right…he’ll be waiting. Despite her ridiculous taste in men, Destiney’s alright by me. I’d quite like to see two dumb boys fighting over her.

Annoying Brandi C. appears on screen in her JC Penny bikini top and Supercuts brand weave to tell us that Mr. Boston really creeps “me and Megan” out. Oh, another shared brain sitch. Why can’t she just be creeped out on her own? She needs Butterface to validate the creepy? Blonde and Dumber decide to hide the last empty bed, which happens to be in their room, so Mr. Boston can’t get to it. Their super secret hiding spot turns out to be stacking it up against a wall. They congratulate themselves on this tactical victory with a “we rule!” and then leave the hidden bed unmanned while they have themselves a cocktail.

Craig J. invites everyone downstairs to “huddle up!”. Craig J. is like the Mr. Brady of this house. I am also noticing that Craig J. is decked out in an all white suit. See everybody? Craig J. might be black, but he’s going to distract you from that by wearing white and making sure we know that he knows that “Flava” is really pronounced “Flavor”. He tells the group that just to prove how serious he is (in case the “J.” didn’t clue us in), he’s going to write a check to every single one of them for $250,000.

Bisexual Destiney is beyond excited. This could change her life, she says! Nobody seems to notice or be bothered by the fact that it’s one of those big, Publisher’s Clearinghouse checks. This challenge is so…challenged. Craig J. asks each contestant what they will use the money for.

Dunno. How much is the giant vase?

Mr. Boston stammers that he needs money to shuttle back and forth between girlfriends in Boston and LA. Toastee says medical school – she’s going to be a psychiatrist. Dolls, the inmates have officially taken over asylum. Pumkin wants a boob job, and I am loving the honesty. Butterface makes a nasty comment about Pumkin’s boobs being saggy. Craig J. points out that Pumkin and Boston had a relationship at one point. Oh, ewwww.

Entertainer needs the money, obviously to move out of his parents’ house. I mean, I get it and all, but I still think his parents are hilarious. Heat needs money for a parental related issue as well – his Mom had some surgery, and unfortunately came out of it with some type of “disformation”. Heat’s very own, very creative, very, ummmm…special word, not mine.

Poor, disformed Mr. Heat.

Next up is Granny Rodeo, and man oh man, does she has plans for this dough! She’s going to use it to improve revenue stream for her products. Which include (from least hilarious to laugh-my- ass-off-for-days hilarious): her workout video, her clothing line, her barbeque sauce (which we already knew about – someone must order some and write a review) and the piece de resistance….Rodeo’s Rise and Shine Oatmeal Pancakes. I literally wake a sleeping person whooping over that one. Forget the barbeque sauce, we need to try us some of Granny’s oatmeal pancakes. I am dying. Granny is barbecued, oatmeal gold.

Flasher surprises me by saying that she’ll use her money to cover up her “Bret” tattoo. That makes me sad. It really does. Hoopz and Real give us a sob story about their Moms and Grandmas. White Boy doesn’t bother with any of that family nonsense, he is not ashamed to admit that the money will be 100% for him. He’s got mortgages to pay, and investments to invest in. White Boy Trump over here.

Chance’s money will simply “add to the greatness”. He and his brother have a single dropping, yo. Destiney will buy a Corvette – that is so her. Loves it. Twelve Pack will buy a bar…he thinks. Annoying Brandi C. will “build a Barbie dream house in the hills”. Is she fucking kidding me? With $125,000? Even with the whole $250k? Maybe a Bratz dreamhouse, maybe in a third world country, maybe with the US dollar ten years ago…maybe.

Poor people are hilarious.

Nibblz, the dominatrix, will build a full S&M dungeon in her basement. This is so insanely depraved, I can’t help but get behind it. And the other half of Annoying Brandi C.’s brain, Butterface Megan, will use her money to raise awareness for mentally retarded dogs. Because she’s rescued a mentally challenged dog herself. Okay, now I know she’s not this mind numbingly stupid – I mean, very stupid, but not this stupid – and it just kills me that girls come on these reality shows and actually choose to play this dumb, shallow, “I’m hot” character. This world was such a better place before Paris Hilton sprayed her herpes all over it.

Midge Mac, who has to be subtitled for everything he says, will give about $200,000 to his Momma and Daddy, and the other $50,000 to strippers. Okaaaay. The same honesty that I found most refreshing in Pumkin is just pathetic in Midge Mac. Doesn’t he have like, four kids back in shantytown? And at least Pumkin is smart enough to realize that after taxes, there’s only really enough left for a boob job.

So Craig J. gives us some more deets. He has really adorable dimples. His nose could use some work though. No more profile for you, Craig J. And he tells us what the few housemates who know how to count have already figured out – there are seventeen contestants, but only sixteen beds. Someone…is going home tonight.

And for the first challenge, everyone has to get dressed in a black bikini. Everyone, that is, except Midge Mac. He tells everyone it’s really for the good of the world, because no one wants to see him in a bathing suit. Well, in real life, probably not, but on VH1? Sure! Why not? Unless he has another story up his sleeve…or tucked into the shoulder strap of his wifebeater tank…let me guess, was his uncle dressed in a bikini when he drowned at the family reunion? Yes, that must be it.

Hoopz is seriously bothered by the fact that Midge Mac won’t don a swimsuit. What’s it to her? She tells him to start drinking to get over his insecurity. To which he classily replies, “I got more money than you and your $%@#^”. I don’t know what the “$%@#^” meant, but I copied it symbol for symbol from the screen, so if anyone knows how to translate Trash to English, please do let me know.

I think this means “Help the Disformed”

Hoopz is pissed. She lifts up her very muscle-y arms and tells us she’ll dump him in the pool, cause she knows he can’t swim. Now, that I’d like to see. And all the other hos back her. Annoying Brandi C. pipes in that he shouldn’t be disrespecting them, because none of the girls did anything to him. Midge Mac cuts her down with a “I wasn’t even talking to you Snow White!” Oh, that was a good one. But you know what would be even better? Ho White.

And White Boy’s up in arms too. He doesn’t like nobody disrespecting women like that. I have to pause for a moment her to consider the fact that “respect” is being bandied about so abundantly here, and in only the first half of the first episode. Anyway, WB’s not really sure what kind of game Midge Mac is runnin’. I’m pretty sure Hoopz is right and it all comes back to insecurity, but what did Midge expect? The Dress Up In a Tux and Take Gwyneth Paltrow On A Date To The Opera challenge?

Meanwhile, Mr. Boston is thrilled to be in his bikini. He stuffs it with what Heat calls about “five rolls of toilet paper” because, in Mr. Boston’s own words, “I’m not very big down there.” I…I…I want to comment and I just plain don’t know what to say.

Except that patterns don’t help.

When they get outside, they are informed by Craig J. that the first challenge – ooops, sorry the second challenge, after getting off the boat – will be G-String Strip Mall? Is that what he said? I replayed it like five times and that’s all I got. Annoying Brandi C. starts jumping up and down like crazy as soon as she hears “G-String”. It’s actually a booth with money flying around in it that they have to grab as much of as they can.

Butterface – and may I pause to once again mention, such a hot body, but oh my, the face – tells us this challenge involves two of her favorite things, tanning and grabbing money. Where the hell did tanning come into this? Perhaps she is even stupider than I thought. The top two money grabbers will be the team captains, and they get to choose their teams. And you know who we haven’t seen much of yet and I’m concerned? Flasher! Get in there, Flash. You so need to be team captain. Flash vs. Granny. Talk about dream teams!

Craig J. makes the one and only rule in this game clear – no picking up money from the floor. And then, Craig J. points out the various “uniform violations” amongst the contestants. Namely, Midge Mac and White Boy, who has also not donned his teeny bikini. But White Boy quickly changes her mind when he realizes what’s at state. Midge Mac…not so much. And so for the first official challenge, Midge Mac is out. With an awful lot of swear words.

Nibblz wins for best line on a reality challenge show evaaaah, when she tells us “this challenge is not about strength or smarts, so I may have a chance to win this!” And what does it say about Butterface that even when it’s not about strength or smarts, she still fucks it up right away? First thing, she bends down and grabs money off the floor of the booth. It’s not totally her fault, the mere act of bending over to pick money off the floor is just second nature to this ho, but it disqualifies her immediately.

I have nothing to add.

Then it’s Annoying Brandi C.’s turn. She has to give both herself and the poor viewer a big pep talk before getting in the booth, which doesn’t bode too well for her. She tells us firmly that she’s going to prove to the world that she’s no “dumb blonde”, and then informs us that she’ll be winning this challenge with her sheer genius. And then promptly gets in the booth, bends down and picks up some money off the floor, exactly the way her dumbass pal did. The rest of the group comments on what a couple of morons these girls are. When the rest of the I Love Money cast is talking about how dumb you are, well, that’s nothing good.

Heat does a little stripper routine during his turn in the windy money booth, and Annoying Brandi C. comments that he looks quite comfortable in his bikini. Now that I think back on it, I’m pretty sure me and Flippy met this jackass at the reality TV awards, and I was quite sure he was gay. We’ll see. He says he’s not a stripper, but being in the box was good practice.

Gay enough.

Next up is Flasher! Yeah! She tells us we all know she’s got lots of experience stuffing money in her rack, so game on. Butterface tells us Flasher is old and washed up and that maybe she’s the hottest girl in the strip club, but not in this house. Well Butterface, maybe you’re the hottest girl in the dark, but in the light of day…Then it’s Granny Rodeo’s turn. Entertainer is very turned on by Granny’s “twenty-three year old ass”. Butterface has another mean comment for Rodeo. Ugh, I was so busy focusing on the vapidity I totally forgot what a wretched meanie this ho is.

Pumkin kind of eats it, but she doesn’t care cause she’s just there to be a drunk slut. Mr. Boston has to un-stuff his speedos in order to make room for the money. When the money comes out of his crotch, he gives everyone a view that has them all grossed out. Hoopz rocks it out, and so does Destiney.

Chance is up next, but there’s a problem. He refuses to take off his bandana. The oversize trucker hat he can part with, but not the bandana. He compares what’s underneath to both Teen Wolf and Alfalfa. Then, word comes around that it’s a ‘fro. Well, now I’m dying to see what’s underneath, so thank you very fucking much, Chance. Bottom line, Chance refuses to participate in the challenge.

So White Boy goes next. He is convinced that he won. Go white boy, go white boy go! As for the results, the top three are Hoopz, Destiney and White Boy. But in the end, White Boy is correct. He did win, and so did Hoopz. Those are our captains. White Boy’s ready to pick his “squad”. So serious.

Craig J. informs everyone that they should start making nice with the captains, which everyone makes quick business doing. Dumb Hoopz is clearly relishing her role as captain, telling us that now is everyone’s opportunity to sell themselves. Five seconds later, she complains that there’s so much ass kissing going on, it’s ridiculous. Oh, I know this game! “Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me! Oh, I wish everyone would stop paying attention to me. Hey, why aren’t you looking at me?” Annoying Brandi knows she messed up, and doesn’t want Hoopz to think she’s an “awful person”. Oh no sweetie, no one thinks you’re bad, just stupid.

Mr. Boston plays both sides, telling Hoopz what a strong woman she is, and playing the Jewish angle with his fellow Heeb, White Boy. These are my people? Both of them? Oy vey.

Butterface visits with White Boy and his brothers, Chance and Real, and while they’re impressed with her hot bod and sexy butt crack stroking (yes, I’m serious), they also get a look at her face and somehow decide they’re going to not be distracted by her. OH, and Miss Hot Pants? Your belly looks a little poochy from this angle. My, I enjoyed writing that! Then she tries to get on Hoopz’s team – oh I’m sorry, squad – but when she finds out Pumkin’s on that team already, she changes her mind. Obviously, there’s bad blood with Butterface and Pumkin. I’m on Team Pumkin. Someone, café press some t-shirts, and fast!

Nibblz is on the phone with someone telling them that she really wants to win, but she doesn’t want to be social this time. Then it sounds like she has some kinky phone sex. Gross. Later on, we’re back to the missing bed caper – Pumkin spills the beans on where the bed is secretly “hidden”, and the bed is Mr. Boston’s. Annoying Brandi keeps telling us how creepy Mr. Boston is, which means she’ll be doing him by episode three.

Hi five! Low five? Five? Ok, that’s cool. Good to see ya anyhoo!

Everyone thinks Midge Mac has a lot to be worried about…everyone except Midge Mac, that is. He’s never been worried, except when his condom burst. Entertainer uses a baseball team analogy to try and explain things to Midge. If you were on my baseball team, and I wanted to you to go up to bat and you wouldn’t, why would I want you on my team, he asks? Brilliant analogy, smart guy but I don’t think the problem is that Midge doesn’t get it, I think he just dug this hole for himself, and now he’s got no choice but to keep digging. “Let’s just see how it plays out,” he tells Entertainer faux-confidently.

Rodeo sees an opening for screen time, and a possible opportunity to hawk the Rodeo Rise and Shine Oatmeal Pancakes (seriously, someone must order these and report back immediately if not sooner), and confronts Midge Mac about his tiff with Hoopz. Saint Rodeo tells Midge that she knows he doesn’t really feel “that way” about women, and that he offended everyone. She knows he’s a good man because of the way she fell for Miss New York. Then Rodeo asks if she can go get Brandi to make things right. What does Annoying have to do with this?

Annoying wants to know if Midge apologizes, and it seems like Midge is on the fence – when Annoying tells him that what he said was mean, he counters that Hoopz was mean too, which Annoying disagrees with. That’s wrong, Hoopz was a little mean. Perhaps there were no swear words involved, but pointing out a midget’s insecurity over height is not nice. Rodeo says that the fact that Midge won’t apologize tells her that she doesn’t want him on her team. Well, you should have tried a little harder and made yourself captain then, Granny. I’m a little disappointed.

And then it’s time for the squad picking. Nibblz thinks it’s all over for Midge Mac, and that he’s oddly delusional about it. Annoying Brandi C. is worried that she messed up during the day’s challenge, but she assures the cameras, actually, she kind of desperately pleads with the cameras, that she can do this. Like I said, totally challenged.

Craig J. tells the team captains to start picking, and just like the fat kid at gym class, “if you don’t get picked, ya gotta bounce. A-iiiight?” Oh, now we’re black again? Craig J., I can not keep up with you and your race crisis.

Hoopz, as the top money grubber, gets to choose first. She’s happy that she’s captain, and she’s happy that White Boy’s captain too, but she’d be happier if she and WB were on the same team. Well, well, well. We’ll have to get back to that one. Craig J. reminds Hoopz that she is the only contestant there who “won” her show, and she’s already the top money grabber, so things are looking good for her. Hoopz glows at the lovely and wonderful compliment.

Hoopz is on the Gold Team, and WB is for the Green Team. WB is decked out in a tank top that looks like it’s from the ladies section of Wal-Mart. This is a very strange shirt. Annoying Brandi C. tells us that this is her life, and she absolutely cannot go home. I think for a second that I might be a little sad for her and this profoundly, pathetic statement, but then I remember how much she annoys me and I just laugh.

And now for the picking! The first person Hoopz is picking has strength and heart…it’s Granny Rodeo! Excellent pick, she would have been my first choice too. Granny agrees, and punctuates it with her trademark cackle. Oh, how I’ve missed Granny. Oatmeal pancakes and barbeque sauce, anyone? White Boy picks his bros, Chance and Real, because he can trust them. Well what the hell good is trusting Chance when he’s busy getting you disqualified from challenges because he refuses to participate? And why did White Boy have to advertise the Jew angle? He’s making our people look bad.

No, sorry.

Hoopz next two picks are Twelve Pack, and Entertainer. She’s excited to have Entertainer on her team cause he’s strong, but she’s worried about his mental capacity. The next person gets picked by White Boy for mental capabilities only – Mr. Boston. Heat (who appears in interview shirtless and disgusting) is highly offended. Mr. Boston makes a funny and tells us that Jews always stick together…especially on I Love Money. Amen to that.

Hoopz takes Flasher (yay!), and then it’s White Boy’s turn again. There are six girls and two guys left, one of whom is Heat who is looking like smoke might come out of his ears any second now. Craig J. notices that White Boy is picking all guys, and asks “It looks like you’re building an all male team over there. What’s the deal?”

“I’m building an all male team,” White Boy explains. Duh, Craig J. White Boy finally chooses Heat, who stands like a petulant gay boy whose dildo was just confiscated, and refuses to get on White Boy’s team. “You’ve been picked,” White Boy orders him. White Boy is not messing around. Toastee goes to Hoopz, and Pumkin (who walks like a constipated man) does too. White Boy takes Destiney and Butterface, who informs us it was all that walking around in her bikini that finally paid off. Yeah, okay, that, and the only other choices were Annoying Brandi C., Midge Mac and Nibblz.

Annoying Brandi C. can’t believe she’s left standing. “I mean, has White Boy even noticed what I’m wearing? Hello!” she scoffs. Well sweetie, the sale rack at Wet Seal doesn’t work for everyone. Midget Mac also cannot believe he’s about to be eliminated. Over a pair of speedos. And he came all the way from Jacksonville! Nibblz is convinced she’s going home.

Hoopz doesn’t know what to do, because all three are terrible choices. Craig J. gives them the opportunity to make one final plea, and Annoying is all over it. She pleads that she’s an amazing runner and an amazing swimmer. White Boy bullies her into doing push-ups to prove her worth, and not wanting to ruin that desperate thing she’s got going, she eagerly gets on the floor. Oh, who are we kidding, when does Annoying Brandi C. ever not eagerly get on the floor? She does manage to eke out ten pushups, but they’re not very good ones, and on her way back up, she slips and hurts her ankle. See, going down, easy, going up…now we have a problem.

When it’s Midge’s turn to stand up for himself, he says he ain’t got shit to say. Articulate as ever. Guess he’s not going to be doing any pushups then either. And then it’s Nibb’s turn – she gives a pageant-y speech, and she does her ten push-ups perfectly and easily. Hoopz is nice to Annoying Brandi, but tells her that she can’t pick her because she thinks Brandi just sprained her ankle. But, at least she tried, and that’s good enough for White Boy. Also, he knows she’ll probably do that getting down on the floor trick again to thank him. She literally sobs with relief as Craig J. consoles her, “You were picked last…but you were picked.”

I just had to post a pic of this shirt somewhere. Thanks for indulging me.

So, it’s back to Jax for Midge Mac. Craig J. voids his check, and tells Midge it’s time to “bounce”. Midge swaggers off, saying that at least he’s leaving with his pride. I say he’s leaving just a little bit smaller than when he came in.

And there you have it, episode one. It was a whirlwind, and judging by the preview for the upcoming season, it’s only going to get better! There’s so much hooking up and fighting in the preview that I couldn’t even begin to write it all down. I think it’s safe to say that I Love Money, dolls, in every sense of the phrase. Kisses!