I Want to Work for Diddy: Bitchassness Will Not Be Tolerated

“Where’s my assistant? I need someone to unzip my fly so I can take a leak.”

Hellllllo Gasmii! It feels so good to be back after 2 months of self-imposed recapping exile, and to be returning to a show as ripe for mockery as I Want to Work for Diddy. I love Diddy — he’s an arrogant bastard, but he can back most of that up with actual accomplishments and he seems to be somewhat in on the joke. Plus, I’m not afraid to admit I’ve seen every season of The Apprentice, so I’m down for a Diddy-themed blatant rip-off. And who can forget that one of Diddy’s potential slaves is a transgendered female? If I haven’t yet earned my first class ticket to hell, I think recaps of this show are going to do the trick.

We open with an ego-fueled montage of Diddy’s empire, a trifecta of music, fashion, and acting. Nevermind that none of these are truly huge these days — he’s got his fingers in enough pots that he’s worth something like $300 million. The man himself — sitting regally in a three-piece suit but sans his ubiquitous shades — informs us that he is a machine that does not sleep, and he expects the same from his assistants. Otherwise you can take your bitchass home to momma. While the former assistants tell us the job can be ridiculous — from carrying around bottles of ketchup to pretending Danity Kane is a successful group — they also admit that having Diddy on their resume opens up all sorts of doors in a variety of entertainment industries.

“I learned everything I know about fashion from Diddy. It’s so cute how he gets embarrassed when I tell people that. So modest, Mr. Combs.”

After some hugely entertaining James Bond-themed credits, it’s time to meet those who signed up to be Diddy’s playthings for the next few weeks. As each one enters Bad Boy’s offices, they step into a conference room for a brief interview with Diddy’s Front Line, aka the hosts on this show. The DFL is comprised of Derek (Diddy’s personal stylist for the past 2 years), Norma (one of Diddy’s former assistants with 7 years of experience putting up with his shit), and Capricorn (another one of Diddy’s former assistants, with 4 years of experience). Derek hasn’t talked yet but I saw the preview show last week and yikes. You’ll know what I’m talking about when he opens his mouth.

Up first is Mike, a banker from NYC who is one of those people who thinks he’s really smooth, and is actually the furthest thing from it. This quote just about sums it up: “I speak clearly, I’m articulate, and all these things come to– come to– come to– (drool).” Next is Stefanie, a Newpsie college student with no work experience but plenty of bitterness in not making the cast of Newport Harbor. Oh I’m going to love to see her cry.

On the other end of the spectrum is Rob, a confident military man who has the entire DFL drooling. Since his occupation is listed as “Iraq War Veteran” I take it this man just hangs around the Akron, Ohio VFW post all day long trading stories with the other vets about the Iraqi prostitutes they finger-banged. He’ll definitely have something in common with Diddy if he wins this. Also impressive — at least on paper — is Suzanne, a Bronx girl with a Harvard degree and no modesty. Somehow I don’t think Diddy will give nearly as much of a damn about that as Trump would.

Back to the losers. Andrew, a scrawny personal trainer from San Diego, comes in with white suspenders and fedora and proceeds to white-boy dance for the DFL while Capricorn stares in horror. Boris, a paralegal from Virginia, is wearing an oversized t-shirt with the words “Can Do” on it, and claims that’s his nickname because he can do anything. Sure, that’s usually been applied when asked if he can kill the keg (“Can do! Who wants to help me do a keg stand?”), but Boris is determined to extend it to the business world as well.

“Other things I can do: belch the alphabet, light my farts on fire, and make a bong out of an apple.”

Kendra, a sales assistant from Jersey, seems to impress the DFL with her sense of humor despite her looking like a lost cast member of “Bee Movie On Ice.” Deon appears to be our token crazy, babbling about God and the energy of the universe in his interview and repeating the same phrase three times with large hand motions. He’s from LA and an executive assistant, so I’m smelling frustrated actor there. Bible thumpers do not usually make LA their choice of residence.

This brings us to the Laverne, the aforementioned transgendered woman and hostess from NYC. As she announces the fact she’s transgendered to the DFL, Norma’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Really, Norma? Laverne’s voice is about as low as where her balls are (were?), and this comes as a shock to you? Following Laverne is Georgette, who babbles something about being willing to sacrifice her free time for the job — not like anyone’s listening. Nope, everyone, including me, is too busy staring at Georgette’s gigantic rack, which is practically resting on the table like an offering for the DFL. How Miami and mortgage broker of her.

Brianna, bless her heart, clearly thought “Office Space” was a documentary and subscribes to the Peter Gibbons school of work ethic. Her description of a typical day in her administrative assistant job comprises of checking email. checking blogs, and planning the lunch she’ll purge. Somewhere in Houston, someone’s writing out a pink slip for her ass. Next to be interviewed is Red, who is an immigrant from Algeria (I think, his accent’s a bit thick and he’s got floppy lip syndrome) and wants this job to help support his family better than he currently is. Yes, I don’t think “club promoter” is the job your family had in mind when they sent your ass to Boston. Then again, “reality TV show whore” probably wasn’t either.

“Whenever my boss tries to talk to me about doing actual work, I give him this face and he leaves me alone and mumbles that he never should have hired the retarded girl. It’s awesome.”

The interview montage finally ends with Kim, aka “Poprah”, who has spent the last 20 minutes impressing the DFL by trying to set up her easel for a presentation worthy of a 7th grade science fair. Throwing dice at their faces and nearly blinding them doesn’t seem to help, either. Contrary to my original fears, “Poprah” does not represent Kim’s belief that she’s the perfect mix between the Pope and Oprah, but rather stands for “the perfect personal assistant.” Supposedly. How, I have no idea. Poprah is an entrepreneur from Atlanta, and the fact that she’s here — as well as her easel and spelling skills — tells you how well that’s been going.

When the interviews are over, the contestants gather in a room to await further instructions. They’re soon joined by the DFL and Diddy’s former manager, Phil Robbinson, who asks them if they’re serious. As the contestants smile and nod, Phil counters “that was rhetorical!” Oh… snap? After a few minutes of trying to instill the fear of Diddy in them, Phil tells the contestants that they’re about to be split into teams and the losing team has to face him for eliminations. “And you don’t want to see a lot of me,” he adds, walking out. I heartily agree, but probably not for the same reasons.

Okay there’s midget face, and then there’s looking like your mom got kicked in the pelvis in the third trimester.

Once Phil’s forehead leads his face out the door, the DFL announces that since there are 13 contestants and only 12 spots on the teams for the first task, someone’s going home right now based off the interview. Haha, I love it. I’ve sat through enough interviews in my life — including the 4-hour variety when you interview with 6+ people in a row, going from office to office trying to remember what the hell you’ve said to which person and praying you’re not repeating yourself like an idiot — and I think it’s fantastic that they’re making this even slightly realistic. My money’s on Brianna (for admitting she’s a lazy sack of shit) or Boobette (for being completely unprofessional with her tatters hanging out) getting the boot here. Some of the guys were pretty bad too, but women interviewers tend to be extra harsh on women interviewees, so I expect a vag to go (jury’s still out on whether that includes Laverne).

By this point, Derek of the DFL has begun talking, and I hope you’ve noticed what I did in the preview special. This kid looks and sounds like the gay version of Justin Timberlake (not like that’s very distinguishable from the actual JT). Anyway, Derek explains he has a messenger bag and Blackberry for each team member, and Capricorn begins calling out the Downtown team: Smooth stutterer Mike, Newpsie Stefanie, Bumblebee Kendra, Crazy Deon, Transgendered Laverne (who I must note is more attractive than many of the “true” women here), and “Can Do” Boris.

Norma lists off the members of the Uptown team, after reminding them that there are 6 places left but 7 people still waiting (including Brianna and Boobette). Military Rob is called first, followed by Boobette, Harvard Suzanne, Immigrant Red, and Lazy Brianna. Wow, okay. That leaves Poprah and Dancing Andrew. I really hope it’s Andrew leaving, because I think Poprah can entertain me for a few episodes before I want to punch her in the face (Edit after watching entire episode: I was wrong about that. Very, very wrong). Capricorn rips into them both a bit for being unprofessional jackasses, but finally calls Poprah as the final team member. Andrew is escorted off the premises by two security guards, telling us he really blew it but he just can’t help but stop pop and drop it.

The first scene of Andrew’s upcoming music video: “The Interview Slide”

Back inside, the DFL begins describing the first challenge — The Art of Multitasking. This prompts a series of quick clips of Diddy and former assistants stressing the importance of multitasking, or you’re “donezo” says Capricorn. Maybe she should multitask in some time to catch up on the current lingo. Anyway here’s the task: each team has 24 hours to accomplish a series of 50 tasks throughout the city. Two team members will stay in the building and work dispatch, while the other 4 must stick together at all times while completing the tasks. On top of that, if a special red Blackberry rings with a task, that task must be completed immediately or 2 completed tasks on the list will be discredited.

The teams rush off, each with $2,000 to use in accomplishing the tasks. Stefanie tells us this is totally serious because this is “Diddy’s dough”, and unlike with Daddy, you can’t bat your eyes and pout if you throw it all away on a new Burberry bag. Laverne wisely tells her team to take into account what time of day things will be opened and closed, while her Downtown team members hang a gigantic map of New York and seem to work well together.

Over on the Uptown team, Poprah is busy spouting off meaningless business cliches while Suzanne clutches her Harvard pedigree to her chest and looks like her head’s going to explode. The fact that Poprah is bossy and screams over anyone who dares voice another opinion isn’t helping much either. Bet the Uptown team would rather be dealing with Andrew doing the jitterbug in the corner about now….

The Downtown team hits the streets and begins accomplishing the tasks, such as getting a video of a chunky cheerleader doing a Diddy cheer and picking up a longboard for one of Diddy’s brood. The Uptown team is also trying to get started, but Poprah’s at the helm of dispatch and giving confusing instructions followed by screaming fits over their insubordination when they ask for clarification. Not very Pope or Oprah like, dear. Luckily, Rob is one of the four out on the street, and appears to be holding his team together by actually giving calm, logical instructions.

And they say romance is dead.

The Downtown team stumbles a bit when asked to get a 7-person food order for some of Diddy’s people from a restaurant across town. Dispatchers Kendra and Stefanie tell Deon to make the most of it and complete some other tasks while across town, but he whines into the phone and seems generally confused. The girls tell him to suck it up and marvel over Deon’s inability to multitask in a challenge about multitasking. It makes things pretty difficult, kinda like entering a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. But at least this gives the girls an chance to bond over his suckitude.

Just then, the Downtown team’s Blackberry rings, and Kendra and Stefanie stare at it in horror like busty coeds in a slasher flick. Turns out Diddy wants his car washed and cleaned NOW, and doesn’t give a shit that the people at the recording studio are going to have to wait for their chicken and waffles. Mike somehow smooth-talks the group (with lots of stuttering I’m sure) into going on foot to Diddy’s car rather than take their van, and they run down the street in a panic. The best part is watching Laverne run, as words cannot describe it. My best attempt is to say it looks like she has explosive diarrhea and is trying to get to the toilet as fast as she can, but is forced to take small steps to make sure nothing leaks out along the way. It’s hilarious.

The Uptown team gets their own Blackberry message, with the same task. Dispatchers Brianne and Poprah squabble a bit on whether to contact their team, and when Poprah finally does, she passive-aggressively tells them that “Brianne thinks you guys should go wash the car.” Brianne shouts that damn right she does think that (evidently she has no problem with work as long as it’s not her ass doing it), and next thing you know she and Poprah are in a screaming fight while the team listens on the other end of the line. Kind of like every time I call my parents.

Well despite the chaos, both teams arrive at two different cars and get to work. However, not only do the teams need to clean the cars inside and out, but they also need to restock them with things Diddy needs — gum, mints, vodka (in the car?! nice message, Diddy), child support checks, etc. Laverne tries to explain to the guy monitoring the cleaning that it’ll be hard to get the booze this time of night, but he warns her that Diddy doesn’t give a shit and they better get it done. Meanwhile, Deon’s still whining about having to multitask, sounding like he’s about to cry as he explains to the dispatchers that the meanie poopoo head car guy gave them other tasks too! Kendra isn’t having any of it and basically calls him a big pussy and hangs up. I think I like her.

Laverne, baby, regardless of what’s going on below the belt, you can no longer sit like that.

Sunrise comes, and everyone’s starting to drag ass. All-nighters suck, but you people need to rally. In an interview segment, Diddy recounts a time one of his assistants told him he was tired. To which Diddy replied, “And what rhymes with tired?” and then giggles. See, it’s shit like that that entertains me about this man. What a jackass.

At 7:15 another Blackberry text comes in, directing the teams to go to the Sean Jean store at 8:45 and help with the mannequin display. The teams have to strip and redress the mannequins by the store’s opening at 9. Suzanne, having replaced Brianne at Uptown dispatch with Poprah, squabbles with Red about picking up some underwear while they’re at the store. Thankfully they’re talking about another one of the tasks and not anything to do with incontinence or monthly flows. As ridiculous as their argument is, they’re still better off than the Downtown team — which completely missed the text. They’ve also been playing musical chairs with the dispatchers, and Mike tells us that it’s Deon’s fault the team missed the texts. He was probably too busy marveling over the energy of the universe to be bothered by a mere text message.

Glad to see you’re using that money you’re making to support your family on Armani glasses.

On the street, Boobette is starting to complain about her stiletto heels and all the walking they’ve been doing. As a woman I totally sympathize with the painful feet, but that’s just another reason to not dress like a whore for a job interview, toots. Boobette swaps places with Poprah, who is not too happy about leaving her cushy desk job and heading out onto the street. Poprah’s tries to argue that she’s familiar with the team’s progress and Boobette isn’t, but I really don’t think crossing items off a list is that challenging, not to mention they’ve already swapped out 1 dispatcher already. Besides, dragging a crippled team member around would probably slow them down more than a switch at dispatch. In other words, get your lazy ass up, Poprah.

With two hours left, the Uptown team has accomplished 26 tasks and the Downtown team only has 23. Mike continues to dazzle us with his smooth-talking skills as he offends local New Yorkers by assuming they’re employees of grocery stores and asking where he can find the applesauce. I’m sure there’s footage of him asking obese women when they’re due on the cutting room floor. Also causing trouble is Poprah, who gets lost with Red and wheezes for him to slow down, despite the fact he was already walking while the other team was jogging (including Boris, who is out-of-shape as well).

And this is the task that would have me running and screaming.

Time is just about up, and the two teams head back to the offices. Once there, the two teams go over the shit they’ve collected to determine how many tasks they completed. Disorganization is rampant, as team members dig through purses for lost receipts and realize they’re missing the required number of items to fulfill certain tasks — and therefore they don’t count. Diddy didn’t ask for 14 pairs of socks. He asked for 15 pairs, you miserable waste of a human being.

The DFL shows up and orders everyone to take their seats. Norma warns them this is what her first days as Diddy’s assistant were really like, and announces the Downtown team completed 31 tasks after taking into account a 2-task reduction for failing to answer a Blackberry message. As for the Uptown team, they completed all the Blackberry messages but were a tad lazier on the street — or held up by Poprah’s gasps for air and Boobette’s blood-filled stilettos — and finished with a total of 31 tasks. So it’s a tie! Looks like that 15th pair of socks was important after all! But the tie needs to be broken, and since the Uptown team is missing over $100 worth of receipts, the Downtown team is the winner of the challenge!

“But I went to HARVARD!”

The Uptown team is stunned and angry, and Suzanne wastes no time blaming Boobette as their accountant who assured them they had all the receipts. I’m not sure if that means she lost the receipts — which would be her fault — or merely counted them back at the office and incorrectly thought they were all there — which would be her stupidity but not fault. The DFL gives the Downtown team some watches as their reward, and announces the Uptown team will be going to tribal council the next day and voting off one of their own.

The next morning, having moved into their ridiculously awesome apartment, the Uptown team members need to start deciding who to vote off. Poprah calls a team meeting to discuss it, and presumably try to save her own ass. Because it’s Poprah, the meeting quickly disintegrates into a screaming fight between her, Brianne and Suzanne while the others look on in disgust. Nice work, Poprah. It’s always a good idea to get in a shouting match with the group of people who will decide in a few hours whether you should go home. Why not just slap them around for good measure. I’m pretty sure you could beat all their asses.

Time for elimination. The Uptown team heads into a meeting with the DFL to discuss why they lost, and Boobette is called on first. She blames poor communication, calls out Poprah as being the cause, and is quickly backed up by the rest of the team. Poprah loudly insists the team actually lost because of 3 reasons — accounting by Boobette, the missing 15th pair of socks because of Suzanne, and the team getting lost because of Red. Instead of arguing back that miscounting is not the same as losing or that Poprah was slow and just as lost as Red was, her teammates mostly fail to challenge any of her accusations. Amused, Capricorn points this out, but Poprah quickly cuts off any chance for the team to respond by stating that she’s used to being a professional and her teammates clearly aren’t. After that comment, Suzanne’s going to be constipated for a month.

Oh so that’s what your face looks like. Somehow I didn’t notice it before…

Capricorn finally calls for them to stop bickering and asks for a vote. Everyone votes Poprah as the person who should be eliminated, and Poprah votes for Boobette. Capricorn has Poprah step forward and announces that Poprah has the power to take someone with her to face the judges, where 1 will be eliminated. Poprah laughs evilly while the rest of the team squirms, but Poprah stays true to her vote and picks Boobette. With that, the DFL is replaced by Diddy’s Inner Circle, aka the ultimate judges on the show. The DIC is comprised of Capricorn, Phil’s forehead, and Kevin Liles, the Executive VP of Warner Music Group. They give the girls each a chance to plead their case as to why they should be allowed to stay.

In his spare time, he moonlights as Mr. Six, the dancing man in the Six Flags commercials.

Poprah takes the sob story approach, talking about her dead parents, struggles to put herself through school, and losing battle with her addiction to fried foods. She also takes the opportunity to slam Boobette repeatedly, arguing that Boobette doesn’t know anything about business and will basically bankrupt Diddy within 3 months of getting the job. Yes, because Diddy’s in the regular practice of putting tens of millions of dollars in the hands of his assistants. Poprah then states again that she’s a professional and her teammates are amateurs, which Phil does not appreciate at all and tells her is disrespectful.

During her chance, Boobette points out it’s difficult to work with someone who treats you like a child — and is immediately interrupted by Poprah bitching about Boobette’s heels and the fact Boobette had to trade jobs because her feet hurt when she should have just gone barefoot. Boobette impresses me by logically responding that she was representing Diddy and it would have been unprofessional to be barefoot (glad to see where Boobette’s line is — 2:1 odds that her nipple’s going to fly out is okay, but going barefoot is forbidden).

Phil dismisses the girls, as well as their teammates, so the DIC can discuss. They rehash the obvious, with Kevin asking (rhetorically!) whether they’re looking for the best teammate or the best assistant. That suggests to me that Boobette is getting eliminated which sucks because she’s 100% better than Poprah. But Poprah’s better TV and above all things Diddy wants to put on a good show, so I will not be surprised if Poprah stays. Sure enough, when the girls and their teammates are brought back in, they call security on Boobette and make her leave the building. So long, Boobette — you just weren’t interesting enough, not matter how much cleavage you showed.

As for Poprah, she cries and acts humble in front of the DIC, but then cracks up in the confessional and brags about getting Boobette eliminated. Looks like we have our villain for this show.

All right guys, that’s our first episode! What did you think about the show? Was the right person eliminated? Who’s your early favorite? And would you ever want to work for Diddy?