This week on I Want To Work For Diddy, Diddy tries to convince us that navigating a forest with just a compass and a protractor has something to do with being his personal assistant — while yet again refusing to make a personal appearance. Plus: bigotry, stupidity, and obesity. Try to match that, Trump!
Here’s the story… of a boring challenge… where people went running around in the woods…
We open up with Poprah/Kim, fresh off her narrow escape from elimination, asking Boris to celebrate her victory with her. Boris says that while he Can Do that, Poprah shouldn’t get too cocky for it’s only a matter of time before she actually is eliminated. Not if the producers having anything to say about that. Meanwhile, Tranny (la)Verne is busy demonstrating the lack of bulge in her tight pants as she does spread-eagle stretches on the living room floor. She tells us she’s worried about her position in the game, as she isn’t connecting with the other contestants. The men in the room snicker at her while desperately trying to convince themselves they wouldn’t hit that.
Cue Verne’s public service announcement on transgendered people, which I basically space out on but do notice that Verne has purchased herself a nice set of titties. Not as nice as Boobette’s, but still quite impressive. As she explains various terminology to Poprah, Red, and Suzanne (a Harvard alum never stops learning… or being a pretentious prick) in one bedroom, in another bedroom sit Kendra, Boris and Mike. Kendra mentions that she can hear Verne talking about “the transgender issue again” in a tone that suggests Verne talks about nothing else. Boris stops picking at his toe jam long enough to ask what transgender issue. Kendra and Mike are like duh, Verne’s a tranny, and Boris is like NUH-UH, now that’s something I Can’t Do — and then reveals what he Can Do is be a close-minded dickwad by stating Verne must not respect her body or “humanity.” I don’t usually sink to this level, but this gap-toothed fatty has gots to go. As a sidenote, Verne’s a pretty kickass dancer. Twirl, tranny, twirl!
Just when you think tranny time is over, we continue along with Kendra, Brianne, Red and Rob asking Verne about her dating life. She reveals that she usually dates white men, and doesn’t think she’s “stepmom material.” Actually, I think she’d do all right. I can think of a lot more “normal” women who’d do worse. Rob, who’s been keeping his mouth shut, squirms when the ladies turn on him and demand to know if he’s single. At first I think he’s worried about Verne getting ideas, but then he grins and admits he’s gay. As Kendra and Brianne shriek unintelligibly, Verne brings up the elephant in the room — that is other than whether she tucks or chopped off the ol’ frank & beans — and asks if Rob knew he was gay when he joined the military. Rob says he did, and launches into an explanation of the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. As Rob’s explaining this and talking about his homosexuality, crazy Deon walks by several times, glaring openly. Guess gay men aren’t part of that “energy of the universe” he ranted about in his interview.
“OMG!!! First dibs on being his fag hag!!!”
Okay enough of this Real World crap and onto selecting Diddy’s newest slave. As we see the contestants sleeping peacefully in their beds at 5 a.m., Diddy explains his no-sleep policy to us. See, he can’t sleep because he’s in love and it occupies his thoughts too much. He must mean his baby mama or his kids, right? Or maybe even Aubrey O’Day. But no, he means his work. And himself. That goes without saying.
So if you want to work for Diddy, you better love his work as much as he does — meaning your ass ain’t sleeping. Diddy has “security” storm the contestants’ apartment, directing them to change within 5 minutes with no talking. Everyone scurries around frantically as if these “security” members are something other than actors from the local community theater. Channelling the SS, “security” evacuates the contestants and herds them into cars to be driven to a heli-pad, where each team (still Downtown and Uptown) is given its own ride to an undisclosed location. You gotta love stealing reality TV show challenges from the Nazis.
Now this is what I call disrespecting humanity. Namely, the viewers.
As they board the helicopters, several of the contestants are wondering what the challenge is going to be. Red is worried that it’s going to be physical, and tactfully points out that teammate Poprah’s giant ass couldn’t handle walking a few city blocks in the last challenge. This does not bode well for team Uptown. However, their helicopter does get off the ground, so at least that concern can be crossed off. And don’t forget team Downtown is saddled with Fatty McGaptooth.
They land at a military base and Rob wets his pants, given that he’s just babbled his homosexuality all over the place. He then egotistically says he thinks the challenge is set up for him, to see what he can do. Okay, I now like Rob quite a bit less, but am more convinced he’d be perfect for Diddy. His teammates are thrilled though, and gloat over their huge advantage of having a military man among them. Ten bucks they’re losing. Big time.
Everyone gets dressed in military camouflage and meets their drill sergeant to learn about their challenge. He barks out something about land navigation, compasses, and protractors while the contestants stare in confusion at the PowerPoint presentation on plotting grids. Okay, I can’t blame them for that — this looks boring and hard. And sure enough, Rob immediately announces he knows what he’s doing — and just as quickly is told by one of the military personnel that he does not. Meanwhile, Fatty McGaptooth has been partnered with Verne, and he sits and rolls his eyes at the camera and edges away from her tranny cooties as Verne tries to do the work for the both of them. Verne’s no dummy and realizes that Fatty’s being a total asshole, and assures us that she has no interest in him, even in her worst nightmare. Don’t worry, Verne, I never thought you did.
“This is an eyelash curler, right? Damn, I should have learned more about girl things before paying my doctor to cut me into one.”
Everyone troops outside where they’re met by two members of Diddy’s Front Line — Capricorn and Derek. They explain that each team has 8 hours to navigate its way to 3 checkpoints, using 3 different sets of coordinates. In order to receive each set of coordinates, the teams will have to answer Diddy trivia. The first team to arrive at the final checkpoint is safe from elimination. This will test their smarts, teamworking skills and stamina. It’s also a little known fact Diddy likes to dump his assistants in the wilderness and fly over them in his helicopter, giggling and sipping champagne. Kind of like watching mice run a maze. only with less tail-chewing and more swearing. In interviews, Diddy and his former assistants try to connect this challenge to something that actually resembles the real responsibilities of an assistant, but like his Sean Jean collection, I’m not buying what they’re selling.
And with that, they’re off. Each team jogs over to their starting point, to decipher their first set of coordinates. Poprah immediately begins coughing up a lung, blaming the coughing fit on pollen. Sure, if pollen comes in a steady diet of Big Macs and Lucky Strikes. The Uptown team suspects she may be faking it to get out of the challenge, and Poprah says she wants to sit out as long as that doesn’t disqualify everyone else. Personally, I don’t think she’s faking it — those coughs sound deep and she’s horribly out of shape. Regardless, Poprah is taken away by ambulance and her teammates head out to start the course, without any further mentions of disqualifications.
Rob takes command of the Uptown team, telling them that it makes a lot more sense to follow a paved road and then cut into the woods when they’re about even with the first checkpoint, rather than follow the compass exactly and traipse directly through the woods the whole time. That makes sense in theory, but you know their dumbasses are going to get lost with Magellan at the helm. Sure enough, minutes later we see that they’re hundreds of yards off course and are now forced to backtrack. Awesome navigational skills, Rob. I bet when he was serving in Iraq, Bin Laden hid under Rob’s bed to ensure he’d never be found. Red then begins running around like an inbred puppy, darting up and over hills and valleys to see if he can spot the checkpoint in the distance. He does not, since Rob has gotten them ridiculously lost, but it just adds to the confusion. Almost 2 hours in, Rob’s team finally decides to go back to the beginning and actually use the compass this time rather than following the road.
Artifacts from the never-before-seen disastrous first season of I Want To Work For Diddy
Meanwhile, the Downtown team has been doing somewhat better, despite Fatty McGaptooth slowing them down and bickering with Mike. After some confusion, they find the first checkpoint, with the trivia question of how many Grammys has Diddy won — 1, 2, or 3. You know Diddy’s ego would make the highest number the correct answer. The team correctly picks 3, grabs the corresponding coordinates, and takes off for the second checkpoint. This time the trivia asks for Diddy’s age when he became Uptown Records VP and A & R. As the team debates the answer, we see they know a scary amount of Diddy trivia — age, birthdate, the date of other major career milestones, etc. Hell, they even know the names of his kids, which is more than he can say. After taking a vote, the team goes with age 19, and takes the corresponding coordinates for the third checkpoint. They get the trivia question there wrong (what year did Diddy change his name from Puff Daddy) and wind up at a detour, but it hardly matters when they’re this far ahead.
While the Downtown team is cruising along, Rob’s Uptown team finally reaches it’s first checkpoint, with the same Grammy question the Downtown team had. Now we know the correct answer’s 3, but Rob insists it’s 1 “because that’s what Wikipedia says.” Umm, no it definitely does not. But it does say “Rob’s possibly a retard.” Suzanne meekly protests that 1 seems too low, but she and the rest of the team wind up baaaaaaaing in agreement with Rob. Great thinking, given his awesome track record so far. The corresponding coordinates lead them to a detour — signifying they got the trivia wrong — the provides the correct coordinates to the second checkpoint. But on their way there, they get lost again and wind up in someone’s back yard. These people took the short helicopter up here.
At 8 hours exactly, a bunch of military people pop in from where they’ve been hiding in the bushes, drinking beers and laughing their asses off, and inform both teams that time is up. They’re escorted to the final checkpoint, where the DFL is waiting, pissed. After bitching at them about being big disappointments, Capricorn grudgingly names the Downtown team the winners.
“I love Diddy, yes I do!
I would even eat his poo!
Sound off 1-2!”
Arriving home, the Uptown team is depressed and worried about eliminations. Red handles this by complaining about Poprah’s weight and doing a cruel impression of how her body moves when she walks. Poprah’s annoying, but you’re a lispy bouncer from the nightlife capital of Boston. Get over yourself. Everyone else gathers in little clusters to either bitch about Rob’s suckiness, Poprah possibly faking it, and the irony that Poprah would have known the right answers to the trivia had she been there. Finally, Red mans up/is rude enough to confront Poprah on the sentiment she was faking her asthma attack. She calmly denies this at first, but it quickly escalates into a screaming fight between the two while Rob tries to hide his delight — and flabby arms. Dude, tank tops are not your friend.
Time for eliminations. Sitting in front of the DFL, the Uptown team begins rehashing their failures. Rob is immediately called out for insisting they follow the road rather than the compass, as well as for missing the Grammy trivia question. Rob tries to argue that other people thought Diddy only had 1 Grammy (not true), and claims that Red’s running around was distracting to the team. Suzanne backs Rob up a bit on that one, but I don’t think that changes the fact Rob had them lost for hours before that even began.
But this isn’t all about Rob. Red and Rob quickly start pointing fingers at Poprah, and Rob explains to the DFL that the team isn’t sure if Poprah was for real or faking it. Poprah angrily insists she was legitimately ill, and points out she works 16 hour days for her company, so she can’t be in as bad of physical shape as her team is claiming. Suzanne’s bony ass somewhat snottily mutters that’s because she spends those 16 hours sitting down, and Capricorn’s eyebrows shoot into her hairline. Brianne, it should be noted, sits silently throughout this like she did last week. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s trying to avoid drawing fire, or because she considers participating in this discussion work. We all know how she feels about doing work.
“Dear God: Please let me get this job so I can hire my own assistant and get back to reading Perez Hilton like I should be right now. Oh, and I’d also like that new Burberry satchel. Love, Bri.”
The DFL calls for the vote for the weakest teammate. Rob and Red vote for Poprah, and Poprah and Brianne vote for Rob. Suzanne stalls as the tiebreaker, although I doubt it matters much who she votes for, since Rob and Poprah are almost 100% sure to choose each other to face the judges. Suzanne finally decides that Rob is more valuable in the long-run (agreed), and votes for Poprah to face the judges as the weakest teammate. Poprah immediately picks Rob, as expected.
The Diddy Inner Circle files in, and Rob and Poprah plead their cases while taking shots at each other. Rob hilariously insists at one point that he didn’t learn land navigation in the Army, which midget-faced Phil quickly calls him out on. Rob tries to dodge the question, is called out again by Phil, and admits that he took 1 class in land navigation. When he tries to downplay that, Phil again refuses to take his bullshit, and points out that 1 class is a hell of a lot more than anyone else had. Oh Rob, I had such high hopes for you, before you proved to be the fatal combination of arrogantly stupid (see also: Jessie from Big Brother).
As for Poprah, she’s aggressive again but makes several good points, including that while there are things like sick day, which would cover her absence in this challenge, there is no such thing as incompetence day for Rob. I have a feeling for Rob, every day is incompetence day. However, DIC member Kevin does mention that Poprah’s still talking shit about all her teammates, just in a nicer, subtler way than last week.
Does Capricorn’s mirror only show her from the waist up?
After a brief, repetitive deliberation of the DIC, the team is called back in for results. That is, after Poprah compares herself to Jesus and Martin Luther King, Jr. You know, only if those two were wretched, shrieking human jello molds. But unlike those two, Poprah’s going to live on as Rob is eliminated. Obviously the wrong decision, obviously the result of producer interference. I refuse to get angry about this when I already saw it coming after Boobette was wrongly eliminated last week.
So that’s it for week 2 of I Want To Work For Diddy. Tell me what you thought — did Rob deserve to go for embarrassing the entire US Military? Was Poprah faking her asthma attack, and even if she wasn’t, should her weight be a factor in this competition? Anyone else dislike Fatty McGaptooth (Boris) as much as I do after his comments about and treatment of Verne? And who’s excited to see these idiots go to Paris next week? I’m always a fan of international travel on reality shows, just to see how big of assholes my fellow Americans can make out of themselves.
Thanks for reading!