I Want to Work for Diddy: If You Got Nothing, Make Shit Up

This week on I Want To Work for Diddy, the teams have to deal with Diddy’s tyrant of a mother as well as his menagerie of children, before treating us to the most bizarre and hilarious elimination ceremony yet.

“Puff Daddy… P Diddy… Sean Combs…. can someone please tell me who this Walk of Fame star is actually freakin’ for?!”

Having found out at last week’s elimination ceremony that they get to steal away one of the other team’s members, Uptown’s Poprah, Red and Suzanne discuss which Downtown person they want. While Mike’s loud shouting/lack of substance combo has convinced Red and Suzanne that he’s the best candidate, Poprah pushes for (la)Verne, arguing that she’ll be smart, creative, and an over-all great team member — yet not a threat because there’s no way in hell Diddy would hire a tranny. I’m looking forward to that logic coming around and biting her in the ass, because there’s no way in hell Diddy’s going to hire someone morbidly obese, either.

Back at the apartment, the teams receive texts from Diddy instructing them to pack for Los Angeles. Once there, the teams go out to meet Capricorn and Norma, who somehow got forced into appearing on this show again after weeks of hiding. Capricorn explains that Diddy’s getting a star on the Walk of Fame the next day, and it’s their job to keep his mother and his baby momma happy. Specifically, each team will work with one of the women and have to prepare a hospitality suite, pick a red carpet outfit, and purchase the lady’s gift for Diddy. Uptown’s got Mama Combs and Downtown’s got the baby momma, Kim. Diddy tells us to trust him that this is going to be interesting — he’s not the high maintenance one in the family.

Time to determine who’s leaving Downtown and joining Uptown. And it’s…. Verne, as Poprah gets her way as usual! Verne is surprised and slightly uneasy, while Stefanie thinks there must be some kind of mistake because HELLO they had the opportunity to work with Princess Stef and didn’t take it! Boris’s expression suggests relief, but we all know he’s crying a river inside.

“<Sniff> Fare-thee-well, my one true lo— Err, ahem… Smell ya later you nasty-ass tranny bitch!”

The Uptown team hops in their van and elects Red the leader under Poprah’s insistence. As she’s done before, Poprah’s plan is sit back and watch Red dig his own grave while she merely asks him if he wants a bigger shovel. Turning to their list of tasks, Poprah stresses to the team the importance of keeping Mama Combs happy on this momentous occasion, as she takes off her sunglasses and tries to get her crusty, blackened heart to well up a few tears. Watching this in horror, Verne frantically signals to production that she’d rather be sitting with Boris and listening him call her a Godless circus freak than deal with this shit.

The Downtown team arrives at the hospitality suite they’re setting up for baby momma Kim, and Mike gets on the phone with a bakery to order some red velvet cupcakes. The bakery lady says they can’t do it today and Mike’s like, oh well thanks anyway! and hangs up. Boris is sitting nearby and gives Mike a disgusted look before asking for the bakery’s number. If there’s one thing Boris knows, it’s how to order food. He calls the bakery up again and mentions the one little detail that Mike forgot — that these are for Diddy and not some random schlub off the street! The bakery lady pees her pants and promises the cupcakes will be delivered ASAP while Mike scratches his head and admits he didn’t think of doing the name-drop thing. Worst. Personal. Assistant. Ever. In general, Boris seems to be a rockstar so far on this challenge, while Mike’s sitting around with his thumb up his ass, looking confused. Stefanie tells us that Mike may be feeling insecure. What he should be feeling is like a fucking idiot, but insecure works too.

“So that’s 1 dozen for Diddy, and 12 dozen for me, lady.”

The Uptown team is racing against the clock to get some tasks done before going to meet Mama Combs at her hospitality suite. Poprah starts bitching at Red about his lack of time management skills (hey the kid’s ADD and has an eye twitch, cut him some slack), and Verne sticks up for him as they arrive back at the suite and are relieved to see Mama Combs isn’t there yet. However, the place is a disaster and Red’s ADD rubs off on his original teammates as they begin to spaz and Verne futility attempts to maintain order. In the midst of this, Mama Combs finally arrives, looking like a trashy ho in a zebra-print muu-muu. Jesus, even some Sean John apparel would be better than that.

Baby momma Kim also arrives at the Downtown suite, and Kendra immediately labels herself the psycho of the group when she leaps into Kim’s arms for a gigantic hug. Kim goes along with it, while her own personal assistant’s facial expression suggests she doesn’t think all those child support payments are worth dealing with this crap — until Kendra turns and grabs her too. Haha. And then to make things worse, Stefanie runs forward and does the same retarded thing like this is the rush party at the Kappa house. Boris and I agree when he complains that Kendra and Stefanie are unprofessional and acting like Kim’s their new BFF rather than temporary boss.

Kim shoos Kendra and Stefanie down to the car and away from her, then asks Boris and Mike to get her some “girl things” — aka tampons. Kim’s got her period? I was under the impression that every time she was in heat, Diddy knocked her up again. My mistake. Boris either plays stupid or is that stupid, for he seems to have no idea what Kim is talking about. Mike actually catches on this time, but wears the vaguely uneasy expression most guys get when it comes to this topic — especially when he has to clairify whether she wants pads or, uh, those, uh other um… things? She clears things up by saying she wants “missiles” accompanied by a rather crude and unnecessarily clear hand gesture. She’s rather cavalier about the whole thing, but to her, they’re just talking about her cash cow, not her vagina.

“So yeah, he just does this, and then about 9 months later I see another 10k/month in my bank account. It’s pretty awesome.”

So far it looks like the Uptown team has the harder task, as Mama Combs is Trouble with a capital T, and that rhymes with B and that stands for bitch! When Poprah tells her that the team refers to Diddy as Diddy, Mama Combs rather snidely says they really should be calling him Mr. Combs, shouldn’t they? Poprah’s eyes bulge and she nods and smiles a huge fake grin, like is Mama Combs is some axe-weilding murder who could snap at any time. When she asks Mama Combs what she wants for breakfast, MC says she wants southern-style food. Without hesitation, Poprah promises to make that happen, even though her teammates are silently freaking out in the background over where the hell they’re going to find that on such short notice and limited time.

Time for shopping. While the Uptown team deals with Mama Combs hating every store they take her into (not many places sell muu-muus in LA), Kendra and Stefanie of the Downtown team are with Kim — and her boy brats! Kim asks them to contact Diddy and figure out where the girl kids are, since she wouldn’t want to lose those little moneymakers. She then sends Stefanie and Kendra off on another errand to get them the hell away from her. She eventually meets back up with them to ask about her daughters again, since she hasn’t heard shit since she casually inquired of their location while in the limo. But it turns out Kendra and Stefanie were too busy texting their friends “OMG im w diddys gf kim!!!!!!” to remember to check up on the kids. Now they’re forced to make frantic calls in front of Kim, while at the same time Kendra’s phone is dying because Boris borrowed her charger and the 30 million texts she’d sent.

Disaster is averted for both teams however as Mama Combs finds an outfit and Stefanie is finally able to track down Kim’s walking monthly paychecks. Which means it’s the perfect time for a new crisis. As Mike and Boris of the Downtown team are shopping for a gift for Diddy from Kim, they get a special text message instructing Kendra to check her voicemail immediately. Which wouldn’t be a big deal of course — if her phone wasn’t dead. Those producers are cruel bastards. You can’t tell me this wasn’t thought of spontaneously when they saw her phone had died. Well she somehow is able to check the VM on Stefanie’s phone it looks like, and it turns out the message is from Diddy, whining about having to talk to an answering machine and then hanging up without saying what he supposedly wanted. Kendra freaks out because they may “put a sore thumb” on her team. Whatever the fuck that means, it’s bad.

“No, for realz. That club shooting never would have happened had that bitch not made me talk to his answering machine so many times. I had to teach him a lesson.”

Diddy gives Poprah on the Uptown team a call next, and she actually answers her phone. He asks her a few cursory questions about how his mother’s doing, and Poprah launches into a big, schmoozing description of Mama Combs’ day until Diddy tells her to STFU and give the phone to his mom. LOL. Once on the phone with mommy, Diddy asks her how the Uptown team’s doing. MC’s like eh, they haven’t killed me yet so that’s something, right? After finishing up her conversation, MC hands the phone back to Poprah, who eagerly checks to see if Diddy’s still there — and he’s not. Burn.

At this point, Kim is finally reunited with her twin daughters, and Diddy’s older kids are playing football in the middle of the luxury suite. You know that’s not going to end well, and sure enough one of the kids knocks over and breaks a vase. I was kinda hoping they’d hit Stefanie in the face with the football, Brady Bunch style, but alas. Meanwhile, her teammates Boris and Mike are still trying to figure out a gift to buy. Somehow, Mike blends the red carpet outfit task with the gift task, and is now convinced they should buy Diddy clothes as a gift from Kim. Boris repeatedly insists Mike’s completely ass-backwards here, and Mike won’t listen to a word he says until they call Kim’s assistant — who immediately vetoes the clothes idea and pushes them towards collectibles and memorabilia. Instead of taking this news calmly, Mike flips his shit instead and gets just as pouty as Diddy when he has to go through the torturous process of leaving a voicemail.

Later that night, Poprah has finally decided to address the southern breakfast issue with Mama Combs, and asks what MC would want in the alternative. But instead of giving them a backup plan, MC insists she wants her fucking southern breakfast, even if Poprah has to cook it herself.

“How about some nice Taco Bell? Mexico’s south of here.”

At 11:45pm, both Mama Combs and Kim are done for the night, so all the contestants decide to have dinner and a drink or two to relax. And by drink or two, I mean lots of shots and all-night partying. Gotta love Stefanie literally dropping it like it’s hot. Now we know they’re going to get an emergency text during all this, and if they don’t know that they’re stupider than I thought — which now makes them short bus stupid. Sure enough at 4:43 am (!!!), in comes the text message telling them to go pick someone up immediately!

The contestants arrive at a beautiful house, wait for a few minutes, and then finally, after 4 weeks of this shit, Diddy lowers himself to make an actual appearance before them! Verne nearly starts crying, while Kendra tries to wiggle out of her panties before Stefanie can beat her to it. He gives them one of his egomaniac talks, repeatedly and oddly saying he’s hungry. Umm, okay. And with that, he dismisses them! Hope you enjoyed the best 5 minutes of your life, everyone.

The next morning, three hours before the ceremony, Stefanie and Kendra go back out to finally get a gift from Kim, while Boris and Mike are on babysitting duty, and need to get Diddy’s three boys up and ready for the ceremony. This is harder than it sounds as none of the kids want to move, and the oldest one whines that he’s hungry in a way he really should be embarrassed over. Well now we know exactly where he got that from. Mike winds up taking both a McDonalds and a Starbucks order from the kids and their handlers, while Boris stands in the corner and fiddles with his fully-charged phone (thanks to Kendra). Do these two just trade off sucking? Hmm that didn’t come out right…

You’re lucky you have money, kid, because damn are you a little bitch.

At this point, one of Diddy’s kids realizes he has someone else’s suitcase, so Boris calls the girls and asks them to go shopping for clothes for that kid. With only a little more than an hour left, the girls agree to do it because there’s really no other choice. Meanwhile, the Uptown team isn’t doing much better as Mama Combs determines her breakfast is not in fact southern at all, and then declares they could never work for Diddy. Well no shit, lady, we all could have told you that from minute one. She’s also pissed that the person delivering her jewelry is running late, and no one’s arranged for her security detail. Oh lady, who the hell knows who you are, let alone cares enough to try anything? She is such a pain in the ass. Eventually the jewelry chick shows up and Poprah arranges for them to go to the ceremony with Kim’s entourage and security people, but by this point Mama Combs is snarling at them. I have a feeling Poprah’s going home tonight. I know I’ve said that before, but so far it looks like her team’s losing, and we’ve barely seen any of her teammates…

I don’t really have a logical place to work this in, but here’s the best exchange of the episode and possibly the series thus far:

Random entourage dude: What’s your name?

Boris: Boris, but you can call me CanDo though if you’d like!

Dude (deadpanned): I’m going to call you Boris

Boris (disappointed): ….All right.

At the ceremony, everyone seems to enjoy themselves while the fangirls go crazy with the shrieking and screaming. Awesome. Diddy gives some speech, but frankly I don’t bother to listen. I do note though that his star says “Sean Diddy Combs” on it. Looks like he’s finally locked into a goddamn nickname this time.

“Hey you! Over there! Aren’t my kids cute? Wanna give birth to another one?”

Later that night, it’s time for the competitors to get dressed up for a nice dinner out, where they’ll also hear the results. Poprah decides a gray choir robe is the perfect choice. Suzanne’s sick so she’s staying home, and I have to admit that as annoying as he is, Red has a nice body. If a girl ever gets past the eye-twitching thing long enough to see him shirtless, he’d probably do well with the ladies. Assuming he also didn’t speak.

While the contestants go to dinner, Capricorn and Norma sit down with Kim and Mama Combs for team evaluations. Kim tells Capricorn that while the Downtown team started off well, things fell apart when they couldn’t find her walking checks, I mean children. She seems to blame Kendra more than Stefanie for that. She also criticizes the team’s lack of organization, and the way all 4 team members repeatedly were in her face, rather than delegating one person to be the sole communicator with her. However, Kim does say that once the kids were all located, the team did a good job dealing with all of them. Mama Combs is not nearly as tactful. She tells Norma (who needs to put on a little makeup before going on camera, yeesh) that while she liked the fact she only had to deal with one person, Poprah, instead of all 4 team members, Poprah just wasn’t good enough.

At this point, an envelope arrives at the dinner table containing the results. And the winner is… the Uptown team? What? I’m honestly shocked. Verne loses her mind, jumping and flailing in her tight, low-cut cocktail dress so much that her fake boobs nearly pop out. And not only do they win — but they get to go to a party with Diddy later that night as a reward. Kendra decides that even though she’s on the losing team, that’s not going to stop her from enjoying her evening, and she proceeds to get trashed. I hope her hungover ass gets the boot.

Verne handles the news of her victory maturely…

The next day, the Downtown team files in to meet with Capricorn. She lectures them on trying to be too BFF with Kim rather than working as her assistants before letting the four of them fight it out. Kendra and Boris call each other out, and Mike jumps in to also slam Boris — especially for being lazy the morning of the ceremony. Stefanie pipes in and goes against Kendra, blaming her for missing that call from Diddy and generally being the cause of a communication breakdown. Judging from Kendra’s reaction to that, if both she and Stefanie stay this week, Stef better start sleeping with one eye open. Since it’s a tie and Boris and Kendra chose each other anyway, Capricorn declares it’ll be the two of them facing the DIC.

Once midget-face Phil and Kevin join Capricorn, Boris and Kendra begin having it out. Kendra is criticized for practically molesting poor Kim, whereas Boris is partially blamed for Kendra’s phone situation since he had borrowed her charger. That’s total bullshit, which he is able to point out to the judges because a) she never asked for it back and that’s her responsibility and b) she could have purchased a new one while she was out shopping that entire day.

And this is where it gets really bizarre. Out of nowhere, Boris suddenly announces that Kendra “loves Mike in a sexual nature.” Dude, the only one crushing on any teammates was you. Don’t project your Verne hang-ups on other people. And just when I’m getting over my surprise from that comment, all hell breaks loose — as Boris announces that Kendra wants this job to have sex with Diddy! LMAO. What a fucking dumbass Boris is. Midget faced Phil looks like he’s trying not to laugh while Stefanie looks appalled and Kendra’s eyes nearly pop out of her head in disbelief.

When the Kendra’s-a-dirty-slut-who-wants-to-fuck-every-dude-in-a-50-mile-radius tactic doesn’t get the reaction he wanted, Boris decides to switch it up. So now Kendra’s a drunk who had to be carried home last night! This keeps getting better and better. I can’t wait until he grabs her arm and tries to point out track marks next. But unfortunately before we can get to that part, Phil is disgusted enough to throw them out so the DIC can deliberate. Boo.

“AND she’s also a necrophiliac! Uh huh! Banging dead dudes is totally her thing. When she’s drunk. And thinking about Diddy.”

In private, Kevin and Capricorn seem concerned about the way Kendra let Boris totally get the upperhand in that fight, and how she could never stand up to Diddy. On the flipside, Boris’s arrogance and tendency to shift blame to everyone else is also problematic. I can see this going either way. I’d say overall Kendra would be a better candidate in real life, but since Boris makes better TV, Kendra will be eliminated.

In the waiting area, Mike calmly tells Boris that they just saw a whole other side of him in front of the DIC, and within minutes the two of them begin screaming at each other over what Boris said about Mike and Kendra. Both keep shouting “fall back! fall back!” and it very quickly makes no sense and is just angry garble. Hilariously, though, Kendra feels the need to get involved and jumps up and randomly screams “You called me a fucking drunk!” Poor Stefanie. Her face here says it all:

“Psssst…. get me the HELL out of here!”

The DIC calls everyone back in for results. Phil rehashes each of their faults before announcing the decision — neither one is leaving! BOOOOOO. As the episode ends, the team tells us that even though they didn’t lose anyone, they’re still broken and no one can trust Boris at all anymore. Well no shit, sherlock.

So what did you think? Do you wish someone had been eliminated? If so, who did you want gone, and who do you think actually would have been eliminated? What’d you think of Kim and Mama Combs? Were you as surprised as I was when the Downtown team lost? And what the hell was Boris trying to accomplish before the DIC with his random accusations?

Sorry for the super late post, guys. I started a new full-time job this past week, so that and the return of the other show I recap, Gossip Girl, really kicked my ass. I’ll try to get these posted by Thursday night at the very latest from now on. Thanks for your patience and I look forward to your comments!