Viva Hollywood: Introducing The Psycho Bimbo Stalker From Hell

Hola Chicos,

This week we get all kinds of psycho-drama with our past-life regressing, genital switching, chihuahua loving contestants. It’s definitely a chow down, face stuffing week, so grab your booze and chips and take the jump…

My husband thinks he’s a chihuahua. A chihuahua, I tell you.

We join our chicos at the dinner table shortly after Vinci has ousted Janet in last weeks duel. It quickly becomes apparent that things are a wee bit tense at the Casa de Locos between Vinci and his brethren and Vinci is out for revenge. He is a little flushed and generally pissy as he slouches in his chair slurring his word like he’s an extra acting the part of a thug from Scarface. You’ve got to love a drunken cheeseball who’s convinced that he’s a legend, except that it’s restricted to his own mind. I’m kind of appreciating the opportunity of seeing Vinci is his full glory, since it goes a long way toward obliterating any lingering images of potential hunkiness on his part.

Poor Vinci, he so wants to be seen as dark dangerous force, maybe a Latino spin-off of the Sopranos, except that Tony would have whacked him before the first commercial. So, you know, it’s kind of a serious insult when Silvia feels bad for Vinci, instead of fearing the dark revenge he plans on wreaking on the housemates. Sort of like when Mom busts in on the playground to make sure the class bully washed behind his ears. When Silvia starts to explain to Vinci why she voted for him, Vinci is having none of it. His tough guy image don’t want none of her stinkin kindness, but Vinci puts it a little differently. He poetically tells Silvia that if she wants to be Mother Theresa she should go be a religious girl and that if Silvia wants to be nice she should go do customer service. Not surprisingly, this kind pisses Silvia off, so Vinci decides to show how really bad he is. And he calls her a bad word. Seriously, don’t f**k with this dude. But what’s killing me is that I have no idea what the word was. It sounds like he called her a “chickenshit”, but that seems a little lame to get such a strong reaction from Berto and Enrique. Berto intervenes calling Vinci a “son of a bitch” and little Enrique comes storming out into the kitchen all bare-chested to remonstrate with Vinci. I’ve got to say that, even with a bandana wrapped around his wrist, the bare-chested look might not be the way for Enrique to go when he’s trying for the machismo thing, though he does have kind of a cute little potbelly. Vinci is giggling because he said a bad word and nobody washed his mouth out with soap. Now, he’s all brave so he goes on to call Silvia a puta/whore, or at least I’m pretty sure that’s what he said but the bleep made that a little unclear as well. It might be a little premature for Vinci to get so confident that he’s getting away with all of this. I’m pretty sure that Maria Conchita isn’t going to be happy when she hears about it; she wants her telenovela men hot in the flesh, but pure of heart. And you don’t want to mess with Maria Conchita.

In Webster’s, pictured under Asshat.

Eventually, only Vinci and Berto are left at the table and Vinci is definitely looking a little worse for wear. Berto, on the other hand, pretty much has a flashing sign over his head proclaiming ‘alpha wolf stud’ and ‘don’t f**k with me’. So, of course, I’m hoping that Vinci says some bad words to Berto as well, because it would be nice to see Berto snap Vinci in two like a toothpick. Vinci accuses Berto of playing a game by being nice and playing it cool. But he warns that someone is eventually going to put Berto in the duel. Berto tells Vinci that if he’s playing games with him, he’s going to put Vinci down like a f**king idiot. Yay Berto!! Go for it!! Woo hoo!! Ass kicking time. But sadly, no, Berto isn’t going to go that route. Instead, Berto gets just a little in Vinci’s face telling him that if he wants to play games with Berto, he’s out of his mind. Personally, I don’t think Vinci’s out of his mind; I just think he’s more of short bus kind of kid all grown up. Berto, losing patience with Vinci, tells him to go back to Miami because he doesn’t belong in the house and, now that he’s alienated everybody, he’s on an island all by himself. And, oh yeah, Vinci’s an idiot. As entertaining as Vinci has been, he’s definitely begun to wear on me. But I can’t help thinking that he’s pretty much an ideal candidate for a stint on The Surreal Life, which is pretty much short bus heaven, and he could even follow it up by the obligatory stay at Dr. Drew’s rehab clinic. It’s heartwarming to know that there is place for everybody in TVland.

The next morning, we find Gisel once again perched hopefully on Berto’s bed bitching about Vinci. Seriously, sitting at the foot of the bed doesn’t count as playing hard to get. Gisel needs to get some self-respect and move on. Sure, Berto groped her the first night; he was drunk and she was there. But, there’s that pesky reality of Berto’s live-in girlfriend. Sadly, Gisel’s bulb is decidedly on the dim side.

Can you see it now? What if I move my leg a little?

In an effort to model her personal integrity and stellar personality, Gisel tells Berto that regardless of her personal feelings for Vinci, she’s only going to vote for him to go to the duel if his performance is poor. Berto takes it on himself to try and explain to her that this is a game and people are acting according to the game. Gisel tells him that she’s not as stupid as she pretends to be, because, you know, pretending to be stupid not only gains men’s respect, it’s also important to maintaining personal integrity. And, now, I’m feeling a little nauseous and it’s time for some chips and dip to make me feel better. Carb loading is definitely a must for this show. Especially, with the clips of Gisel telling the camera that there’s an attraction between her and Berto, while Berto apparently naked, at least from the waist up, confesses in the chapel that there’s some sexual tension between them and that Gisel’s obviously taken a liking to him. Now, I’m not exactly in the habit of frequenting chapels, but, somehow, I’ve always assumed that shirts are kind of mandatory. And Berto, God bless him, is scratching everything but his balls. We wind up this romantic little interlude with Gisel and Berto flirting and grinning at each other like total morons as they agree that they’re not friends. I can honestly say that if it had been my husband I was watching in that scene, castration would be way too pretty a word for my reaction. For his sake, I hope Berto’s gone into deep hiding somewhere, maybe a witness protection program.

What would Jesus do?

It’s still early morning when the chicos are called to the dining room. And they’re surprised to see a beautiful woman seated at the head of the table quietly crying. Carlos is standing off to the side looking a little uncomfortable in a handsome telenovela star kind of way. And I’m going to add that Carlos one of the few men that can really wear an awesome black shirt and not look at all cheesy. In an understanding voice, similar to the one my husband uses when my hormones are active and I’m near knives, Carlos asks if they can stop filming, I’m assuming so the woman can have a chance to pull herself together. She insists defiantly that she’s fine, just fine. I can remember having this exact convo with my hubby last month. So, Carlos continues like nothing is amiss and introduces Lorena Rojas, recording star and telenovela star, to the chicos. The chicos are all looking nervously at the woman sniffling at the head of table, like WTF? How are we supposed to be taking this? Carlos, bless his heart, asks the woman if she wants to retape, since she’s obviously upset. She again says no, then in Spanish tells the chicos that she was supposed to have been there for several days, but “they” have found a replacement for her and she’s only going to be there for that one day. The chicos expressions range from nervous support to rising panic at the thought of dealing with tears and drama before they’ve had their caffeine for the day.

So do you want another Motrin, or what?

Once again, Carlos gently asks Lorena if she’s okay and she smiles and says she’s just fine, because she tricked their pansy asses with her awesome acting. All the chicos oooh and aaah while applauding, no doubt relieved to know that they will be dealing with an ordinary actress instead of a histrionic women suffering from borderline personality disorder. Actually, I have to admit that she did a pretty good job, she didn’t overdo the drama, she just sniffled quietly and still managed to look pretty. So the chicos are told that this is all about their 4th telenovela sin and it’s time for Uncle Walty. Uncle Walty tells us that this week’s deadly sin is drama. Hmmm, lust, vanity, and anger I kind of remember from the deadly sin list, but drama not so much. Or, if it is a sin that I’ve forgotten, my family’s in big trouble; drama is kind of a way of life for us.

So, Lorena tells them that they are going to play the “Crying Game” and I can get on board with that. A little gender confusion is good for drama. Maybe, Gisel will reveal that she’s really a tranny and we’ll get to see Berto’s breakdown, while his girlfriend laughs her ass off. But then I realize that this game has nothing to do with the movie. Instead, they each have two minutes to tell a sad story, either fiction or real, and cry. The winner of the game will have the option of changing their assigned partner for the elimination challenge. Then, the chicos bring it on, we hear stories of sexual abuse, death, physical abuse, more death, cancer, children and death and, of course, lots of tears. Enrique even has a table pounding conniption over abuse and more abuse. Poor Enrique, he tries so hard to be powerful and dramatic, but he just seems like a nerdy kid crying over a bad test grade. Vinci shows his sensitive side when he tells the camera that it’s just too much and that nobody wants to see somebody crying so much, especially the girls because its uncomfortable. Then, sadly, he can’t seem to muster anything beyond slightly watery eyes. Now, if this game had been more about the Crying Game movie you can bet your ass that Vinci would be howling with the best of them. He’s already proved that it doesn’t take more than a gay challenge to send him into a locked bathroom to sob his eyes out.

Before they announce the winner, Carlos reads off the list of assigned partners for the elimination challenge: Enrique and Gisel, Vinci and Roseny, Giovannie and Silvia, and Jenn and Berto. Then Lorena tells the chicos that some of them were great, others not so great and Silvia is the winner. So, Silvia has the option to switch partners. Giovannie is shocked that Silvia is even considering switching partners. On the other hand, I’m thinking that Giovanni doesn’t really seem to be that great of an actor, even if he’s quick to take off his clothes. He has about two facial expressions and he’s pretty quick to grope. And then, of course, there’s Berto sitting at the end of the table looking mighty fine and he does seem to be able to act. Of course, as we know, Berto is a man-ho with commitment problems and in my sensible mind any practical girl would be grabbing at little Enrique who would probably kill himself trying to make a woman happy. But who wants to be practical? Silvia promptly ditches Giovannie for Berto. Gisel, showing a scary stalker like intensity is pretty pissed that Silvia scooped up her man, because, you know, that “liking” someone is the same thing as owning the rights to them. On the other hand, Berto is looking pretty pleased at Silvia’s bold move, which leaves Jenn with having to work with Giovannie. Poor Jenn, at least she has a legit reason to be pissed.

She did not. Oh, yes, she did!

Since the chicos have shown themselves to be such an emotionally repressed group unable to create their own drama, they are going to get some special help for this week’s challenge. Lorena explains that to help the chicos to get in touch with their emotions they are going to go see a hypnotherapist. Personally, I suspect that the families of a few of the contestants would really appreciate it if they learned how to repress instead of express their emotions.

The hypnotherapist, who goes by the title The Mind Coach, which is really beyond creepy, has the chicos tap into sad memories. Everybody promptly starts crying except for Roseny, who is bitching that the sound of everybody crying is making it hard for her to concentrate on her own sad memory, because, you know, it’s just so hard to feel sad when everyone around you is grieving. And beside, it’s just so rude to emote into another person’s space when you’re an actor.

After the cryfest, the hypnotherapist has a new and exciting mindbender for them. She decides to send a few of them on past life regressions. Little Enrique goes first and in his past life little Enrique gets to be King Louis of France and to wear these really cool pointy black-toed shoes, probably the Jimmy Choo’s of the Middle Ages. Hmmm, a little nerdy guy with almost no power in the world changing into a major monarch in under three minutes, no repressed fantasies there.

Silvia’s up next and she returns to a simpler life when she lived in a forest with leaves in her hair and watched her father beat her mother. And as if that’s not uncomfortable enough she starts heaving with uncontrolled sobbing before informing The Mind Coach that she killed her father. I’m telling you this is one freaky girl and if her regression was even remotely real she’s going to need some serious therapy or maybe past life experiences don’t come with PTSD. Of course, the other chicos aren’t buying any of this and are pretty much rolling their eyes and shaking their heads during all the drama. While Silvia is having her Lizzie Borden convulsions, Vinci is slouched down in his chair looking like he’s ready for an afternoon snooze. By the time the chicos leave the hypnotherapy center, Silvia has not only swooped in on Gisel’s man, she’s also managed to become the center of attention. And I’m beginning to suspect that our blond bimbo Gisel is all about getting in touch with her inner Glenn Close and acting out a few scenes from Fatal Attraction.

A reality show moment that’s even too cheesy for it’s own contestants

When the chicos, exhausted from their afternoon of unbridled emotion, arrive back at the house, Carlos is waiting for them in the driveway. Showing no pity, Carlos tells them that their next challenge is waiting inside the house and to successfully complete it they must fully commit to their characters and improvise. For the challenge, the chicos will be working with their assigned partners and will portray couples suffering from the following relationship problems: Silvia and Berto have switched their personalities; Gisel and Enrique’s life has been ruined by telenovelas; Jenn and Giovannie are recovering nudists that keep falling off the wagon, those 12 step meetings must be a hoot; and, Vinci and Roseny are trying to cope with Vinci’s delusional belief that he is a chihuahua.

The couples go off to rehearse for ten minutes, while, unbeknownst to them, their living room has been transformed into a talk show set complete with an audience. Carlos introduces a perky blond woman as Maria Celeste, a best selling author, host of a news show and their guest talk show host for the evening. Maria Celeste greets the audience and welcomes them to that night’s episode of Agua Caliente (Hot Water), then without further ado introduces Silvia and Berto.

When Silvia and Berto come out, Silvia is doing her feminine best to look macho, but she’s not very convincing. Maria Celeste asks what happened to them and Silvia explains that on their honeymoon Berto wanted to make love on the stairs and they fell down and cracked their heads, knocking themselves unconscious. Since then, Silvia has felt like she has a penis. Berto joins in sobbing that he feels like he has a vagina. Which is really pretty funny. Maria Celeste asks if this extends to their roles in the bedroom and Berto continue to sob saying he is flaccid in the bedroom, which causes the men in the audience to crack up, because nothing is funnier to men than stories of another man’s impotence. Berto pretty much steals the scene; it’s just too bad that he didn’t have a stronger partner.

Do you know how hard it is to get a strap on to work?

Gisel and Enrique are up next and after taking their seats, try to explain to the audience why telenovelas have ruined their lives. Seeing little Enrique paired with Gisel, is a lot like a flashback to the days of Sonny and Cher, with little nerdy Sonny jumping around the stage singing the high parts to their theme song, while Cher patted him on the head, flipped her hair back over her shoulder and sang tenor. So, you know, that there’s no way in hell that this is going to work.

Gisel starts out by blaming their problems on Enrique’s constant absence from their home, adding that he complains that she watches TV all the time. Enrique kind of lamely says that he has to work a lot to give her everything. And then performance anxiety overcomes him. Maria Celeste tries to help him out by prompting him along, but little Enrique is frozen like a virgin on prom night. Gisel describes it by saying that they were just going along and suddenly he stopped giving her anything. For his part Enrique tells us that, while it’s not an excuse, he was exhausted from being King Louis, so, when it came to down to execution, he didn’t go all the way with it. Which is, I’m sure, very similar to what Sonny and Cher said when they were in marriage counseling.

We’re so going to lose and then I’m going to chop his cojones up into little pieces.

Giovannie and Jenn are introduced and take their seats to talk about life as recovering nudists. They maintain emotionally defiant and angry attitudes for about one minute before they start ripping their clothes off. I actually didn’t think that there was too much to this performance. Their characters both felt forced, and overexposed to me. Of course, given the nature of their problem over-exposure was probably unavoidable, but that was pretty much all there was to their improv. On the other hand, this challenge was about drama and they were both seriously dramatic. Jenn says that she thinks they have the challenge in the bag because she’s an improv performer and Giovannie has no trouble taking his clothes off. Maybe, Giovannie should look into some good wholesome porn as a fallback career. I don’t know how his equipment measures up and he’d have to work on expanding his range of facial expressions, but it’s worth considering.

Even with the sombrero this has got to be the flattest ass. Ever.

Roseny and her husband, Vinci the chihuahua, come out last. Except that Vinci isn’t walking or barking like a dog and I’m thinking, “Damn, did he change his role again?” But it turns out that Vinci just doesn’t have a clue how to improvise. Maria Celeste asks if there’s a specific trigger to turn Vinci into a dog, while Vinci stammers that when Roseny looks at him it just happens. Suddenly, a little light bulb clicks on above Vinci’s head and he’s hit with a great rush of inspiration. Like a flash, he’s on the ground on all fours at Roseny’s feet and I think, but I’m not sure, he’s maybe trying to do a little doggie dry humping interspersed with burying his head in her lap. I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed with his acting abilities. I’m pretty sure that this is just normal date behavior for Vinci. Afterward, neither of the chicos is feeling good about the performance. Roseny says that they started out wrong and Vinci, like the class act that he is, blames everything on Roseny because she didn’t tell him what to do like a master would tell a dog. Apparently, Vinci ain’t no Lassie. He’s incapable of executing basic behaviors like sit, stay and rollover without a command.

Foreplay the Vinci way

The chicos come together for Maria Celeste and Lorena Rojas to judge their performances. The winner will get a helicopter ride over LA and an X-Box which Lorena Roja pitches by saying in a monotone voice, “more games, more choice, more fun.” Then explains that the performances were judged according to originality, the chicos ability to access their emotions, and their improvisational skills as a team.

Gisel and Enrique didn’t do too well. Maria tells them that it would have been great if they had taken advantage of the telenovela theme of passion and emotion. Lorena tells Enrique that he needs to make some bold moves to distinguish him from the crowd. In other words, these two were a snooze fest and Enrique needs to grow some cojones to lend him some charisma.

Silvia and Berto basically did a good job. They can both act and improvise, but Maria felt that some parts of their improv got a little too sketchy. They loved Jenn and Giovannie, but felt that sometimes it seemed as if Jenn was leading more and Giovannie was following more. Of course, Giovannie was the first to rip his shirt off, but he didn’t think to beat the ground with it like Jenn did, so I guess it didn’t count.

Maria Celeste would have liked to see Vinci acting like a dog from the beginning of their improv and Lorena Roja feels that Vinci really needs to work with his partner to reach the next level. Vinci, displaying a lethal combination of narcissism and stupidity, throws all the blame on Roseny. Roseny isn’t taking any of the blame and tells the camera that this is the big dogs now and Vinci’s a little dog and so he can’t be at this level of competition. This is kind of cute, but it would have been cuter if she had said it to Vinci’s face.

Jenn and Giovannie win and the loser, not surprisingly, is little Enrique. Then, we get to see a clip of Enrique doing some manly whining in the chapel about how he was exhausted and it’s not fair that he might go home. It’s too bad that Enrique wasn’t cast as the Chihuahua, it’s a role that would have suited him perfectly, exhausted or not.

Meanwhile, Berto is sitting next to Silvia with his hand around Silvia’s leg kind of cuddling it. Gisel sees this and her expression looks like she just saw Berto pawing through a giant pile of donkey poo. Turning her nose in the air, Gisel says, in a voice dripping with frigid disapproval, “Wow, you guys are a regular couple now, that’s so cute.” Because that kind of cattiness always works when you’re competing for a guy. But I’m guessing that Gisel has moved beyond that kind of concern and is well on her way to becoming a psycho stalking bimbo bitch from hell, as she tells the camera that she wants to put her foot up Silvia’s ass. On the bright side, she might cure Berto of his man-ho ways. At this point, Berto’s girlfriend has got to be seriously laughing her ass off.

Is that a boner or are you just happy you won. Oh, wait, you didn’t win.

After the elimination challenge, the chicos retire to try and sort out who they’re going to send to the duel. Once again, the bimbo psycho stalker is sitting in Berto’s room, but this time she’s saying that she has to find a way to get Silvia to the duel. Berto is a little confused by this and asks her why she wants to send Silvia. My God, men are so stupid about these things. Gisel’s uber lame reason is that Silvia doesn’t seem to have a personality, because she’s not quite so far gone as to explain to Berto that Silvia was coming between them. The bimbo is planning on saving that line for when Berto discovers her standing over Silvia’s bloody corpse. Berto tempers Gisel’s criticism of Silvia with, “maybe that’s just her personality.” Gisel kind of agrees and I’m thinking, you must be kidding me. This bimbo from hell is actually going to try and derail Vinci going to the duel, which means that I have to watch him for another week. It’s definitely time to open another bag of chips. Oh, Gisel, what a wicked web you are weaving. And even more sadly, it seems like the other girls are jumping on board as well. Even Jenn, who I want to think is above clique warfare. Silvia seems fairly unfazed when she leaves the bathroom. And, more importantly, she’s seizing the moment to make an empowering fashion statement with a blue sequined halter that is just the right thing to wear with a towel after a shower.

Seriously, other than strippers who wears this after a shower?

The next morning the chicos have gathered by the pool in small groups. Jenn is talking to one group by the pool about voting Silvia out, while Vinci sits a few feet away talking to Berto. Now, if Vinci had even a few working neurons, he might have figured out that Gisel’s obsessive stalker like jealousy could work in his favor and send Silvia to the duel instead of him. But, instead of keeping his big, fat mouth shut he jumps in yelling, “If you’re talking about me, why you talking at my back,” and “I can’t believe your talking about another Puerto Rican.” Jenn, even less emotionally repressed than normal after her encounter with the mind coach, yells back at Vinci waving her arms and gesticulating. Vinci, looking absurdly proud of himself, tells the camera that he wants to get people all riled and confused because he’s really good at getting people mad. So, what does he think? That they’ll run around in circles and vote for themselves? Vinci is proof that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Somewhere, he picked up a few tenets of offensive strategy, but never really grasped the concepts behind them. Jenn starts to walk off and Vinci always wanting to get the last word in tells her that the cross she is wearing is too big for her. Then we have an uncomfortable moment of Jenn fake laughing at Vinci, you know, trying to be cool and, well, failing. The heels and the white bikini aren’t working so well for her either.

Carlos joins the chicos at the dinner table and tells them that it’s time for them to go to the chapel to place their votes. Little Enrique movingly wipes away tears at the reminder that he could be going home.

As the chicos place their votes, it seems to be pretty evenly split between Vinci and Silvia. When Carlos comes in after counting the votes, he confirms this impression but names Vinci as the loser. Vinci, ever the cocky bastard, says that it’s too bad because Enrique’s a good guy but you know he’s clearly going to lose to Vinci’s superior skill.

Right on cue Uncle Walty’s voice intones, “Be brave my friends,” and it’s time for the duel. The chicos are spread out on the balcony when Maria Conchita makes her entrance looking like the cover of a romance novel with her all of her thick black hair swept up on to the top of her head, except for two seductive tendrils draped alluringly over her bosom, which is revealed by a full length emerald green shiny dress.

I so want to be her when I grown up.

Maria Conchita seated between Carlos on her right and Lorena Rojas on her left tells Enrique that his acting choices have been safe and they lack star quality. Then she tells Vinci that this is the second time the chicos have sent him to the duel and she’s beginning to wonder if it’s not because they don’t want to work with him. She implores them both to perform for them making this a great telenovela moment and asks Vinci why he deserves to win this prize. Vinci tells her that he really likes learning things he’s never learned before like how to lie and how to kill. Maria Conchita cuts him off abruptly adding, “or to be a dog.” This seriously disconcerts Vinci and it’s the first time I’ve seen him look honestly uncomfortable, which is kind of awesome. I love that what Vinci is prizing about his experience is the instruction in lying and killing, like it’s a competition for serial killers not actors. And the part about not knowing how to lie before the show is just too precious. Not only is Vinci unbelievable dumb, he cherishes the charming belief that everybody else is dumber. No wonder Maria Conchita drinks so much when she enters the house, it’s like judging America’s Most Smartest Model rejects.

Then Maria Conchita tells Enrique that he is a very friendly, good, safe guy, but she’s not seeing him take the risks that he needs to take to be a telenovela star. Enrique is incredulous that she should think this and tells her that he takes that risk every day. Remember the buckteeth and the Shakespeare? How could she forget about the shrinkage issue that came from being the first to drop his pants? He waves his arms gesticulating passionately and promises that he will not be back in front of them if they will just give him another chance. Vinci, obnoxiously, but truthfully, interjects that Enrique will have to be back in front of the judges anyway.

Can you get me out of here? Seriously, I’ll give you $50 if you get me out of here.

Maria Conchita tells them to face each other and we’ve got some pretty dramatic background music going on. She asks Enrique, “What advice can you give to Vinci”

Enrique squares his shoulders and sets his jaw as he manfully tells Vinci, that he doesn’t think he belongs in the house because Vinci has a lot of work and soul searching to do. He would suggest that Vinci go home and find himself, because from that foundation, Vinci will be able to create stronger characters, become a stronger person and a stronger man. Go Enrique!! I have to admit I didn’t think you had it in you, but you done good!!

Then it’s Vinci’s turn to give Enrique advice, which is just garbled and a little pathological, so to do it full justice I’m going to the quote: “Listen, I didn’t got in trouble like you did, I got in trouble because a lot of group of people against one people. My advice to you is to don’t ever tell me what to do, because you are nobody and now I know you are double-faced. So, if you want to lie to these people and to these people over there, I’m not going to stop you, but this is the truth; I don’t lie. I’ll tell you the truth in your face.” Okay, so maybe Vinci might have done better if he had a chance to think that one through first, or maybe not. In Vinci’s mind this might be a stellar example of grand strategy.

Maria Conchita asks Enrique if he did in fact lie and I’m trying to figure out what Enrique said that could have been a lie. But, before I can sort it out, Enrique is assuring her that he did not lie, not even one word, which comes out sounding a bit like a Dr. Seuss character. Then, to the camera, Enrique has a short ranting moment aimed at Vinci where he points out that Vinci’s strategy of ‘taking out’ all of the chicos is pointless because at the end Vinci will still be a lousy actor. I’m kind of wishing that Enrique had thought to say that in the duel.

So, Maria Conchita, Carlos and Lorena start to debate whether Vinci or Enrique should go home. Vinci is arrogant and not that good of an actor and beside he opted out of playing the gay character, which disappointed Carlos. Carlos says that he personally would have no problem playing a gay character, just no tongue. Maria Conchita says that she does use tongue when she kisses as and they all toast. The judges agree that Vinci has star quality and that when he walks into a room everybody notices him; a common trait among star actors and people with narcissistic personality disorder. Whereas, Enrique has passion, but you don’t notice him in the house.

Then the chicos are called back in and Maria Conchita informs them that based on their performance in the challenge, their behavior in the house, and the duel they’ve made their decision. And, now, its time for Masacre de la Mascara.

Enrique is playing with the mask and says that this is his lucky day, when Vinci comes in with syringe and shoots Enrique in the neck grabbing the mask. One of the chicos gasps, “Vinci’s back, I don’t believe it. ” Then a masked man enters the room with a gun and surprise, surprise, it turns out to be Enrique arriving to kill his twin brother. But, unfortunately, Vinci has just killed him, so Enrique obligingly shoots Vinci. And I have to say that waving a gun around kind of works for Enrique, it’s definitely the most attractive look he’s had.

Sometimes, compensation works.

Maria Conchita says nice things to Vinci. But Vinci, a classy guy until the end, leaves saying that he has more talent than any of the losers in the house and he’d rather be alone than with the wrong group of people. Because he’s a moneymaker and people want to see him on the screen 24/7. While our disembodied narrator intones, “Adios Vinci.”

Enrique is clearly taking this victory to heart, possibly healing some deep-seated trauma in the process. In the chapel, he fervently tells the camera that the important thing is that he won. He took out the bully. I’m thinking that beating Vinci may have, at least symbolically, paid off a few lingering playground vendettas. Then Giovannie takes a cue from Berto and shows up in the chapel without a shirt to tell the camera that it was so relieving that Enrique beat Vinci’s ass to the floor. And we leave the chicos partying like there’s no tomorrow. Next week, a national treasure, Charo, shows us how she brought the hoochee koochee to the U.S. of A. And we get to see Enrique’s 2 left feet.

So, are you guys sad to see Vinci go or do you think that Gisel will bloom into enough of a drama queen to fill his place? And does anybody know of a good dictionary for Spanish swearing?