Making the Band: Must You Grab Your Crotch?!

Helloooooooo GASMII! I am back from my one-month long vacation that moved so quickly that it felt like it was gone in an MMMBop! And guess who else is back? Diddy and the gang AND a very special guest who just happens to be an extremely dramatic and partly evil choreographer. Any guesses on that might be? Time for another season of Making the Band!

As always, Orangebrey wastes no time…We enter season number three billion with an empty director’s chair that has Diddy’s name on it. Last season, it was very clear that Diddy took a silly pill, and it seems that not only has it not yet worn off, but he’s maybe even upped his dosage. He goofily runs onto the stage, sits down and babbles about how the show is on at 9 p.m. this year instead of 10. Yikes, a demotion from the 10-Spot! But he rants about how he’s the king and the king is back. Glad that we are establishing that from the get-go

Last year, the golden word was “platinum,” but this year it’s all about “#1.” Danity Kane was #1. Day26 was #1. And Brillo Pad Donnie Klang’s album isn’t out yet, but Diddy predicts it will be #1. Did any of you ever hear Day26 on the radio? Did that album get any airplay at ALL? It was totally #2 in my book, and I’m NOT talking about the number of record sales. Wow, three paragraphs in after my vacation, and I’m already resorting to bathroom humor. Awesome.

“Red Rum!”

Now it’s time to take these #1 albums on tour! Oh clever, Brillo’s song is the intro song for the show. Nice marketing, Diddy. Now that song will be firmly planted in my head for the rest of my life.

Diddy tells us that going on tour is like preparing for an athletic event. And all the major superstars – himself included among his lengthy list of examples – have a lot of preparation to do. And if we learned anything from last season, it’s that the boys hate putting work and effort into most everything. So I can see where this might create a problem.

But enough about the guys because our girls are back! Danity Kane arrives in New York City to meet with their choreographer and Orangezilla Aubrey is just as golden as ever. I imagine that her home is just one giant Mystic Tan booth, complete with her very own Olly Girls and everything. Thank goodness that D.Woods’ hair has grown out of that awful, lopsided raccoon tail cut. I never understood whatever fashion statement she was trying to make with that. And at the end of last season, Diddy made Shannon color her hair back from red to blonde. It ended up looking like Strawberry Quik but is now so platinum that it probably glows in the dark.

This year is going to be different for the girls because they are headlining the tour instead of opening for another artist. D explains that they learned a lot during their days as the opening band. And one thing they learned was that they can sing and dance at the same time. Um. Okay? Isn’t that kind of the whole reason for their existence? I should HOPE they can sing and dance at the same time! But I assume that her point is that they don’t need to lip sync, which is a good thing.

The girls begin rehearsing their song, and I believe that the first line is “Look at the eyes covered in Mabelline.” Mabelline? Someone call up Robin Leach! These girls went platinum with their debut album and are still wearing drug store make-up brands?! Love. It.

What? Is this not what YOU wear to work? Why not?

Brillo now meets with his choreographer. I guess he will be the opener FOR the opener. Aww now that’s just sad. He’ll be the background music for everyone who’s filing in for the show, and then get settled only to get right back up to make a nacho run. And his Brillo even looks more tamed this year. What’s that about? We miss your big puffball head, Donnie! On top of your skinny frame, you looked just like a Q-Tip, and now I don’t know WHAT you look like. I feel like I don’t even know you any more.

Brillo then tells us that it seems just like yesterday that he was in school, trying to be a business man, and now he’s afraid that someone will pinch him, and it will just turn out that he was taking a nap in a really uncomfortable chair in a lecture hall. He gets confused with the choreography because he doesn’t know what to do with his arm, and we come to the realization that maybe Brillo could actually benefit from a little more schooling. He’s a nice boy. Dumb. But nice.

Now it’s time to check in with Day26 as they also head toward their choreography session. And this is where things really get awesome for us fans! The boys walk into the studio and are met with a familiarly scary face. WTF!!!??? Laurie Ann Boomcat is back! Brian runs up and gives her a giant hug. Really, Brian? Because I don’t remember things being that friendly between Miss Boomcat and, well, anyone. Obviously everyone is a confused because last we heard, Diddy and Boomy had a ginormous falling out of epic proportions. And talk about Mabelline! Boomcat must be taking make-up lessons from Orangebrey because she is looking a little top heavy in the face area with all that junk caked on. Less is really more, Boomaloom! I can see thousands of tiny pores gasping for oxygen on that canvas!

Different make-up. Different hair. Same ‘tude.

We then get a glimpse of the April 2007 footage when Boomcat and Diddy’s argument occurred. Diddy tells her that it’s not her show, she sputters something about orange juice and then he tells her to get the fuck out. I really wish there’d been more hair pulling and bite marks, but no.

Boomcat asks the boys if they are surprised to see her, and they nervously nod. She says that she understands that it’s eerie. “Are we in love or are we divorced?” My guess is divorced and that she ran off with their truck and their dog. Mike is worried that she’ll just cause more trouble and once again leave them high and dry.

Did anyone else notice the subliminal Black Eyed Peas reference here?

Boomcat keeps asking the guys how they feel and they barely respond. It’s so obvious that they don’t want her there that even I feel uncomfortable. I almost want to turn off my tv to escape from this situation except that it is so delicious, and I am eating it up with a spoon!

Finally Boomcat asks the question that’s on everyone’s mind: “Where’s Q!?” Apparently, Q is a 10-year-old child in the 1950s because he had his tonsils taken out. So, basically, he’s at home eating rainbow sherbet. Boomcat asks them to perform “Got Me Going,” but the boys say they can’t do it without Q. Boomy tells them that if they can’t move forward without Q, then they should be pulled from the tour. And so the harsh comments begin.

Likely excuse.

On the commercial break, Diddy tells us that he’s a part-time stripper. Oh. Okay. Well then! And while he was stripping one night, he realized that he was pregnant. So Diddy then had a strange, schizo conversation with himself where Sean told Diddy that he needs to get back in shape before his new album drops. They argue about it, and then decide to create Diddy’s Fit Club. Diddy then takes his shirt off to show us his gut, which is barely there. I mean, I have more fat on my finger than he has on his belly, but whatever. I guess that every week, he’s going to drop in on us to tell us how much weight he’s lost. Or something.

Yet another follower of the “baby bump” trend…

Back in the studio, the guys are trying to perform, and Boomcat thinks they need a lot of work. And she seems quite delighted that they are doing terribly. Almost like it confirms that they couldn’t make it without her or something. She stops them and says that she can’t believe what she’s seeing. She says she knows that’s not what they actually do on stage. Yeah, but, um, except that it is. Then Boomcat utters the first of many great quotes: “Just looking at that, I’m having half of a gag.” I’m sure that if Brillo were in the room, her half gag would be promoted to full time.

Will tells us that they can’t concentrate on the dance moves because they are stuck on the fact that Boomcat is back. Boomcat seems to have a costume change because she’s suddenly in all black and out of her heels. She tells them they don’t need to try to act sexy or like a rapper. She shows them some moves and condescendingly calls Will “pumpkin.” Someone needs to have a talk with this lady about a little something called “bitchassness.”

“Don’t act like a rapper. And don’t look at my rapper-inspired jeans that are sagging off my ass either!”

There is still tension in the air as the guys reluctantly follow Boomcat’s instructions. Then she screeches the best words in the history of television: “Must you grab your CROTCH!?” She looks at Bitchassness Robert and tells him that he grabs his crotch like it’s his badge of honor. And THANK YOU BOOMCAT GIBSON! Hip hopsters always do the crotch grab and it drives me nuts. (No pun intended.) She then instructs them to grab their balls. “Do you feel them? Are they there? Grab ‘em good!” Oh this is terrible! I actually feel sorry for the guys, and I never feel sorry for them. She is so psycho and yet it makes positively great tv.

The guys head to a diner to discuss the day’s events. The four of them sit in a booth, and all the diner chat reminds me of a more dramatic version of “Seinfeld.” Will thinks that there’s too much at stake right now because they are still trying to prove themselves in the industry, and so it’s not a good time to bring back such a negative energy. He says that they can’t afford to have someone enter their careers and walk out on them again.

Meanwhile, the girls are doing acrobatics with their choreographer who is trying to give them moves that are new and revolutionary. Basically, he wants Orangebrey and Aundrea to hold hands and have Dawn flip over their arms. Yes, Gasmii, you read that correctly. It ends up looking like a keg stand or a really vicious game of Red Rover. This goes on for awhile as they try it with each girl. Don’t worry, it never improves. So if you see Dawn on the street and she’s covered in bruises, this is why. At one point Dawn actually kicks Orangebrey in the face with BOTH feet while tumbling over her arm. Too bad it didn’t knock off her dumb headband. But don’t worry, it gets even BETTER! Orangey does a backflip over the arms and her BOOBS fall out of her shirt. Hey Orangetta, it’s called a bra. Please look into it. Leave the boob shots to Tara Reid. Thank you.

Well if this whole singing career doesn’t work out, then there’s always the circus.

Boomcat goes to visit the girls and her reception there is much warmer than with the boys. The girls say they learned a lot from her during the try-out process. Still, everyone is pretty confused. Boomy of course makes sure to get in a jab at the boys and asks the girls WHAT they were DOING last season.

Back to Brillo who is still working with his dance coach, prancing around his stark white shoes and bouncing up and down. Orangebrey dances in and rubs her butt up on him. This is just as confusing as the reintroduction of Boomcat! What happened between the seasons? She gives him a big hug and calls him “hubby.” Brillo tells us that they are still attracted to each other, but they are just going to be friends.

Looks like SOMEone wants a little brilly willy in the orangina.

Day26 minus Q returns to the studio for their second day of Boomcatness. She instantly starts scolding them, saying that when she left, they never developed a work ethic and now have the bad habit of sloppiness. I know that Boomcat is our veteran villain, but I agree with her. The boys always seem to want to do what is easy rather than what is right or perfect. Time to snap out of it! BOOM! CAT!

Boomcat asks them what the song “Come with Me” is about. The guys say, “It’s getting her to come home with me. So I can put her to sleep.” Derrrrrrrrrr! Boomcat says they need to find a deeper meaning in the song. Like they aren’t just putting the girl to sleep. They are putting her to sleep with a NICE POEM. The guys scoff at the idea of a reading a girl a poem because, yeah, it’s just really lame. Sorry Boomcat. She has them do a few moves and then yells, “They’ll be no lazy smurfs in my camp!” She starts yelling the words “Boomcat!” and “Muff!” and works them as though she’s a drill sergeant. But, you know what? It starts to really come together and look good. Although Bitchassness Robert is still having a major crotch-grabbing tendencies, so don’t think that I didn’t notice Mr. Handsy over there.

The boys are still concerned about where Q will stand in their dance routines. Boomcat says that because she can’t see air, then as far as she’s concerned, Q isn’t in the group. The guys do NOT appreciate this and make frowny faces. They go home and call Q on speaker phone but only get his voicemail. Mike says he doesn’t understand why someone would schedule surgery right before tour. And that when he comes back, he’ll have less than two weeks to learn all the routines. I really don’t see how he’s going to sing though. Or sing well at least. Or without pain. I mean, part of his throat was just sliced out! Hello!

Q finally calls the guys back and imparts the bad news that under doctor’s orders, he can’t come back for another full week. That will give him nine days to learn four songs.

Historically, the Ides of the month have always been trouble. Just ask Julius Caesar.

Time for a Making the Band Special Report! I’m glad we still get these this season. Diddy announces that Brillo’s first single and the album come out September 2. Also, Diddy is in the video, doing his best to steal all the thunder.

Back in the studio with Boomcat, the boys keep working on the their dance moves when Q walks in! Because he hasn’t been able to eat much, he’s lost some weight but seems well otherwise. Apparently, he had to sneak away from his family and doctor in order to get back to New York. Now he has a lot of family drama and a weird hair patch on his chin. Somewhere back home, Q’s mom is probably filing a missing persons report and calling up the Boys Town Hotline. The song “Runaway Train” gently plays in the background. Hopefully he at least left a Post-It or something as to inform everyone of his whereabouts.

The next day, the guys get into the studio before Boomcat, so they can start practicing. They are starting to look really good, and Q is all caught up. Booms is quite impressed! But things can’t move along THAT well for too long. Diddy is back and wants to talk with Ms. Boomcat in private. The music stops and everyone freezes. I’m glad that they’re doing this in front of the cameras because I HATE when you read about drama in the ‘bloids only to see it NEVER addressed in the show. But here we go!

Diddy breaks the ice by asking Boomcat what’s going on, and she replies with “Lots.” And then have a staring contest. Diddy thinks that in order for them to move on, they need to address what happened the last time they saw each other. Boomcat says that she thought Diddy crossed a line when he addressed her, and that she’s never disrespected him. He says that he only wanted to empower her career. She says that you don’t empower someone by calling them a bitch. (Good point.) Diddy gets defensive and says that he doesn’t want to go back over the argument. Interesting because isn’t that the exact purpose of this conversation? Then he pretty much says that he’s responsible for her career and she needs to keep it funky. I think that Boomcat is being pretty reasonable and makes some sense here. She says that she understands he’s her boss but wishes he would have asked her to step out of the room to talk about their differences instead of calling her a bitch in front of everyone. She says there was obviously a disconnect and now they need to agree to disagree so she can do her job.

Diddy should fire her again just for her choice of Pepto-colored pants.

There is a long pause and then he asks if she missed him while she was away. She laughs, turns away and then tears up. Does anyone else feel the sexual tension here? There is definitely more to this relationship than we’re privy to. She says that she didn’t miss him. But he asks her another 100 times. She says no 99 times and then finally says “sometimes” on number 100. He says that they missed her, and that she’s one of the best in the game. She says in a weird cry whisper, “But you were also like my family.” She dabs at her eyes, trying to sop up the tears without upsetting her Mabelline.

Like the sands through an hourglass…THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES!

They start having a nice moment until Boomcat says that the boys weren’t as good as they could have been and that she’ll make them better. She goes to get the boys for rehearsal and Diddy looks down. Almost with an expression of “uh oh.” Yep. You just signed yourself up for a major dose of bitchassness, Diddy. And we can’t wait to see more of it every week!

So this season! This is what we have to look forward to: Diddy and Orangebrey clashing, Brian and Boomcat clashing, Brillo and Orangebrey flirting, and Q and Dawn heating up. Looks like it should be a good one!

What do you think, my little muffs? Are you excited to have Boomcat Gibson back? And will the girls ever get their new flippy dance move thing down?

See ya Tuesday!
love, MandaMo
xoxo