My Fair Brady: Mama’s Got Brand New Bags

Fun bags, that is.

The twins have arrived! And thank god, I’m not talking about living, breathing progeny, but the man-made, shoved-into-your-pectoral-muscles kind. And gosh, we had a proud mama. Get her while you can. Next week is the last episode in this installment. But fear not, these probably air three times a year.We begin this episode with our requisite bed scene and Adrienne is waking up with a full face of makeup. Now I give it up to Ads for always looking au natural on this thing, so why is she in her silk pjs looking like a painted cadaver?

The Fishers did such a good job.

Chris is in even more of a kiss ass mood than usual since Adrienne told him she won’t have his baby. (Works like a charm.) There’s a confusing conversation about puppies or “papis”. Adrienne isn’t clear on what she means, if she even means anything, because when Chris says he hopes to be a “papi” Ads looks confused and says no. Eh, I’m gonna have to let this one go. I’m making this face again.

He feels awful that he’s ever given her the impression that he thought she would be a bad mother. Ads, on the other hand, doesn’t give a damn that she’s given the whole world the impression that she would be a bad mother.

Ads shows us some of her better qualities.

So Chris, taking a breather from his exhausting facebook scrabble duties, is now embarking on a mission to prove that he’s the best caretaker in all the lands. After much tedious discussion, Ads is finally going under the knife and she’s going to need to be waited on hand and foot post-op. He proclaims this with the gravity of a somber relative discussing a kidney transplant recipient, not a half-witted reality star forking over ten-odd grand for some vanity surgery.

Adrienne says she really just wants her implants to look like her old boobs but without nipples going every direction. Dude, that would be waaaay more interesting that normal nipples. Especially in this silicon-happy town. You keep saying you want to make money off of them. Well there you go, girl! Nipple circus!

North and South by Southwest? Now we’re talkin’!

Chris makes himself useful and runs the one errand for Adrienne. This is the kind of thing that shows that he’s “worth his salt”. Neighborhood Don and Kathy’s three year old could remember a list of three items, but he’s been out of the workforce for a while, so we politely lower our expectations. So his three big items were birth control, anti bacterial soap, and fugly slippers. This successful errand running is presented with such fanfare, he’s gone to such lengths as to wrap it in a gift bag. No girl loves a big pink gift bag more than when it’s housing giant pig slippers complete with swine tail! He even went the extra mile (Whoa! Chris is off listing it, people.) he even gets a bell for her to ring while she’s laid up in bed, slowly integrating silicon into her body. Of course, Ads has to bitch that it’s a heavy bell.

Complaining brings out the pleaser in Chris, so he adds that he recognizes that he hasn’t done everything to make her feel safe so he’s going to get the house set up with an alarm system and at Christmas she’ll have a gun. This makes our girl happy! In anticipation of the surgery, Ads keeps mentioning that tomorrow a man is going to “cut her pectoral muscles and lift them from her rib cage”. Hey there, pre-med! I love when Ads uses sounds a little intelligent. It’s the same kind of tiny thrill I get when I find money in the pocket of an old coat. What a delightful surprise!

He remembered everything she said to get (again, my ass could have remembered) and demands he get a medal. What a nurse. Ladies, don’t get your tits done without him. Luckily, we don’t have to witness Adrienne touching her god-given tits all night, as she proclaims she’s going to do. Good bye, little titties! Wish we could have seen your crazy, circus nipples!

So she gets up and dresses in the ugliest silk jammies ever to go to surgery. She looks like an alcoholic Beverly Hills retiree. At least bust out a juicy couture tracksuit, girl. We all know you’re not afraid to take your fashion to 2002.

She forgot to mention the cataract surgery.

We do get the pleasure of seeing her be put under anaesthesia. Even Chris is laughing at her. He tells her that he is very proud of her. I still think Chris gets confused as to what surgery she’s going in for. Ads loves the anaesthesia as much as we enjoy seeing her on it. She says it was complete “utopia”. Utopia? you don’t say. And now we know. Adrienne gets drugged up and dreams of ideal society. She totally seemed more self-centered than that.

Sir Thomas More would be proud.

We check back in when Adrienne is done with her surgery and she must still be on drugs because she’s walking down on what is probably Wilshire in the heart of Beverly Hills wearing different, yet still fugly silk pajamas and her pig slippers. I hope she’s not ever wearing those piggies in her house ever again after they’ve been on the street. The thought makes me shudder.

Pigs are indeed dirty creatures.

Driving back, she slurs to Chris to change lanes slowly, because even the slightest turn of the car makes her boobs slide. Can I get some research on this? Do boobs slide right after they get put in and then STOP sliding around? I bet on Ads’s anesthetized drug trip, utopias only have straight roads. Back at home, Chris brings flowers to our brave patient and sets her up with the remote and meds. This indeed sounds like a fantastic vacation. Let’s see the gratitude roll!

Chris is her nurse 100% to show he can’t wait on her hand and foot. Only slightly more literal than daily life. So despite Adrienne’s concern that the bell would be too heavy, this bitch is ringing the shit out of that bell. She needs water, she needs food, she needs help picking her nose. Chriiiiis!!! But this comes natural to Chris. Chris says that maybe because it’s Adrienne, but it seems like perfect preparation for kids. (I don’t think he meant it to sound that way.) Anyway, the perfect nurse naturally feeds the patient french fries and a hoagie. Seriously, he went and picked it up and everything. However, Queen Ads has proclaimed that the fries are different and taste like dirt. Chris will certainly be shot when she gets her gun. You have failed.

And now we get a two-month break, but unfortunately it’s just four minutes of commercial break in our time. Thankfully we miss Ads’s recovery which was most assuredly as exercise in humiliation and servitude for Chrissy.

So now her BFF Dea is coming out to visit her. Chris still can’t touch the titties but she sure can show them off to everyone with eyeballs! Dea and Ads have a deep love, so deep Dea just ignores Chris when she walks in. Now Dea is a perky little puppy of a girl if there ever was one and this puppy wants to procreate hard. And I present to you Dea, The Photo Essay:

Let’s have babies!!

Babies?

Babies!!

Titties!!

“Babies”.

Dea is good news for Chrissy, who wants a partner in crime. The one person Ads trusts in the world wants to procreate so our Chrissy is stoked. Move her out here! Ads still says she wants to wait five or eight years, but she and Dea always do things around the same time so she is doomed if that bitch gets knocked up.

And then we learn why Ads and Dea are soul mates. They both share the same mental capacity. They take Dea out for Thai food and apparently Thai food has not made it to Joliet Illinois. Dea wants to know if it’s like Chinese food. Although, apparently Dea doesn’t know what Chinese food is like because she then asks if they have spaghetti or bread.

No pasta?

Ads, also confused about Thai food, wants to order a filet mignon. Chris tells her that she should like Curry because that’s her last name. Way to bust out some “If P, then Q” logic, Chrissy. Adrienne pissily points out that if his name were Mr. Balls or Mr. Cock that doesn’t mean he likes to eat cock and balls or whatever she’s trying to say with the cock and balls thing. And all that facebook scrabble has paid off because Chrissy calls Ads irascible! Go, Chrissy! He also says that they’re like the honeymooners and she’s Frank. So he’s also playing Trivial Puruit and nabbing those pink wedges! Who needs a job when there’s board games to be played?

So Dea and Chris are scaling a full-scale child assault. She’s laying it on thick. Dea thinks her daughter’s smile is going to mean more to her than her messing up her body. Chris thinks that is full of wisdom. Adrienne says that in an addition a stiletto to the eye ball is full of wisdom. Indeed.

Okay. No babies.

Ads says Dea is on Chris’s side because she didn’t just get tits. And when we say get tits, we’re talking about 14,000 smackers worth of silicon slapped into those pectoral muscles. Holy hell, I’d tell my man to back off too. Not 3, not 6, not 9, not 10. 14 GRAND!!! She’s not going to fuck it up to bear the seed of his loins!! SHE WENT THROUGH HELLLLL!!!!! A child would be a waste of 14 grand. She’s going to enjoy these, make some money off of them and then have babies when she’s good and ready. Yes, indeed let those titties make that money back. Implants are always a high-yield investment. I asked my banker at Schwab and I’m scheduling my augmentation as we speak.

Adrienne’s Thai-rade.

Dea concedes she’s not going to get knocked up in a few days, but seems reluctant to concede an entire week. Ads says the doctor said she couldn’t have children for 4-5 years, but I recap that this damn show and go over with the finest toothed damn comb ever and the doctor said TWO years. I should be hired to be script supervisor and jump in every time she contradicts herself or makes a dumb shit comment to correct her. Which means I would be in the scene constantly making this face.

Chris hilariously points out that by that logic, whether she waits six months or 4-5 years, it’ll still be a waste of money. Foiled again, Ads! You should play more scrabble. She settles it by saying she’s not talking to him anymore. But of course she keep going.

Chris and Ads fight in front of Dea said she wouldn’t have gotten them if she’d have known he was going to be up in her ass everyday about having his kids. Uh, he was up her ass everyday. Dea just smiles like the polite small-town guest she is.

Let’s go get clean! Ads and Dea shower together, visiting her twins, and now they’re going bikini shopping for Chris and Ads’s upcoming second honeymoon to Hawaii. I thought you had to earn your second honeymoon after like a decade or so of marriage, but reality stars are not subject to time and space. Ads tries on a a bunch of suits, seemingly just to see what colors set off her tits the best. She is far less interested in the bikini than her store bought jelly sacks. She calls them her “moneymakers and they’ve give her so much more of confidence back! She loves touching them! She feels like Pam Anderson! Really? Do tell. What’s it feel like to have Hep C?

Feels hot, Lady Sensation.

After an exhausting morning of silicon admiring, it’s time for a power lunch. Dea toasts to them, but Ads toast to getting knocked up for some reason, or practicing getting knocked up, she amends.

Shit. I read your cue card.

Ads says she doesn’t like it when Chris makes plans for her uterus. Dea still defends Chris, and that this is the first time he’s really expressed that he wants kids to her. She says their both just burnt out from working on their issues all the time. Girl, we all burnt out from them working on their issues all the time. And now we get the (genuinely) sad back story to Ads’s relationship immaturity. Ads says she’s going to individual counseling to deal with being molested and raped. She always says she’s fine, but she knows she’s not. But she and Chrissy have never discuss this, because Chris has never sat down and gone, “Details. What happened.” And we learn that one of the times happened when Dea and Ads were together. Whoa! I want details. (My friend that I watched this with goes “What kind of parties were these two at??” It was funny.)

Details.

Ads knows it affects her relationship with Chris. She’s not very trusting of men, and is actually scared of men. Chris calms her, except when cameras are around. When he’s gone she sleeps with a bat. She even admits that she knows she’s damaged. And admits that as a mother she’s afraid she’d be psychotically overprotective, which more than anything is probably true.

Dea says that most people that have gone through what they’ve gone through remain screwed up. They came out of it okay. And look how much closer Ads and Chris have gotten since they started therapy. In ten years, they’ll be even closer! And when we say closer we mean condiment close! Ads says she and Chris are like ketchup and mustard, completely different but can’t live without each other! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the love affair of the ages:

And now after this “deep, deep, deep” hot dog topping allegorical conversation at lunch, it’s time for Ads and Dea to part. But Ads and Dea don’t want to ever be apart. Dea is Ads’s number one myspace friend for cryin’ out loud. (I did check, this is true.) Chris agrees Dea needs to come out more. Good-bye, Dea!

I will miss you and your myriad of retardo facial expressions! Please come back soon!

Ads says it’s okay, though. She has her other best friend, Chris! Chris is really her best friend for reals and for the first time evs she apologizes for being mean to him. Wow, Dea’s facial ticks really do work wonders on our princess of slogan tees. And now Ads marvels that they are going to Hawaii for two whole days. What a honeymoon. Ads is stoked they’re going to be in one place for forty-eight hours. Now this must be some really tricky editing, but they seem to be in one place for a while now. Especially since Ads has been in recovery for TWO DAMN MONTHS. Maybe her autograph signing was in Reno, but other than that where do they have to go? And understandably, they take a five minute nap before packing. These two lead exhausting lives.

Next week is our last week with these fools, people! And we’re celebrating in Hawaii! Is any bummed this show is coming to a close? Is anyone else stoked to see Ads blown away by the “875 mile an hour” winds she tells us about in the previews? I hear silicon easily takes flight.

Love y’all. xoxoxo, Lady Sensation