New York Goes to Hollywood: Actin’ Up

Hey Gasmii, Last week on New York Goes to Hollywood, New York had her heart broken once again, but instead of Flavor Flav, it was a crew of managers who crushed her soul. After seeing a performance and hitting up the food station/bar, they didn’t have the patience to wait for New York and took off. But, for all five of you out there who consider her an inspiration, fear not! New York actually gets a manager this week! Some douchebag named Chuck Binder who pops his collar!

Just one look at this guy and I can tell he’s got a kid named Seth failing his way out of NYU right now.

You can tell Chuck is full of shit right away because as soon as New York arrives, he tells her she’s got a Queen Latifah feel to her. Oblivious to the fact that Chuck is picking two black chicks who look nothing alike and simply grouping them together, New York is flattered – only she makes the point that Queen Latifah is plus sized. This all leads to the question of who does Chuck represent – after all, he only mentioned Queen Latifah, he didn’t say he represented her. He answers Lizza that his client list includes Robert Wagner and Steve Guttenberg.

“I’m still living pretty good off of that Three Men and a Little Lady cut.”

Lizza smells blood in the water and immediately interrupts Chuck to hand him New York’s demo reel and headshots. Chuck laughs at her (the only time he was likable in his 2 minutes on screen) and tells her he likes her, but she needs to tone it down a bit. New York agrees, saying Lizza is acting like a “showbiz mom” when she should be “fetching me drinks.”

“My baby girl doesn’t need me any more…”

After the meeting with Chuck is over, New York heads over to a casting session with one of Hollywood’s “top casting directors,” Fern Champion. She’s given “sides” or a part of the script to rehearse a line for, this time in the role of Condoleeza Rice. Of course, this made me wonder if New York was really up for a part in Oliver Stone’s new movie about the Bush presidency, but of course I laughed, shook my head, called myself “silly,” and clamped clothespins on my nipples to detract from the pain of watching New York act. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for Fern.

“I’m wearing a bear trap in my cooch right now.”

New York fumbles her lines a bit and it’s kind of sad – sad because New York is uneducated, and sad because someone this stupid has had THREE shows on vH1!!!! 1.7 million people tuned in to watch her last week! WTF! Regardless, her acting still sucks, since Fern stops her right there and tells her that this part is not hers. New York triggers her defensive mechanism – really obvious crocodile tears – while the casting director asks her why she’s crying? New York says that she’s upset because she really wants to be an actress and sucks at it.

“WAAAAAHHHH…is she looking?….WAAAAHHH”

After the casting session with Fern is over (doesn’t she look like Kathie Lee’s slightly more busted sister? Sorry I watch the Today Show a lot.), it’s time to move on to the next meeting. I didn’t mention this earlier, but before the meeting New York met with another young lady named Kelly in the waiting room of Fern’s office. Kelly asked her if she was “The New York,” to which she responded with a dead fish handshake. Kelly then kept trying to talk to her, but New York got angry and told her to back off since she’s trying to study her sides. Kelly of course wasn’t thrilled with her. But after the drama dies down who else is at the next audition but Kelly herself. This is so terribly, obviously staged by the producers.

“Did you rehearse your lines? No, not those, the one in this scene where we’re supposed to hate on each other. Aaaand action.”

Kelly goes in for her audition and tells New York to break a leg. New York, not familiar with acting terms since she’s so new at the game, says that she isn’t going to “break a leg. I’m going to get the part.” Kelly does no better by saying, “Reality, this is real hollywood.” So they’re both dumb chickenheads. Soon after the squawking, the casting director brings New York in. She reminds New York that the part is with a Southern accent – New York acts surpised. The casting director points out that New York needs to read the description of the character along with the script before rehearsing, but New York just sits there looking confused.

Where’s Lizza when you actually need her?

She finally gets started with her performance and after some serious overacting she begins to crawl all over her to really show her method. The casting director knows it’s an amateurish move and gives her shit about it – she seems to think that New York needs to go to acting school. In a rare moment of humility, New York agrees and calls her douchebag manager to get her some help. He of course, finds an even bigger douchebag who I’m sure we’ll also be seeing a lot more of this season – Scott Sedita.

“That’s me!”

New York’s first acting class begins and who else would be there, but of course, the plant – Kelly. New York ignores her at first as Scott wants to start her off with a big acting game. He pairs her up with Vos, who New York claims is the “hottest guy in the class.” Scott gives them a situation where New York is trying to tell Vos she loves him and he tells her that he doesn’t love her. New York is emotionally impacted by the situation and feels like she’s been with this “sucka” for a long time.

Something about this feels so familiar..

After New York takes the scene a little too far by talking about how Vos is her baby daddy, Scott tells her that she was a little overly dramatic with the whole thing, but otherwise she was pretty good. New York dismisses his comments since he doesn’t really know “struggle”. Kelly, meanwhile has been cracking up at New York during the whole performance, but tells her afterwards that it was “pretty decent for the first time.” New York, delusional as ever tells her it was more than “decent.” The chickenheads start squawkin’ off, and for no reason whatsoever, New York’s face turns into an Edward Munch painting.

“Boo!”

Scott gets fed up and decides to bring New York to his office. She tells Scott that she’s been saying all kinds of things to her, like “I’m gonna break yo legs or sumin’.” Scott laughs in her face and tells her it means to wish someone luck. If she’s pretending to be stupid, that shit ain’t cute. Nonetheless, Scott says he “want(s) this healed” so he decides to bring in Kelly. New York says that the girl needs to admit she’s a bitch – Scott replys that she can be bitchy, but so can New York. Once the girl starts talking and saying I don’t want to be a bitch to you since that would be a bad idea.” New York’s ghetto switch turns on and she starts going on and on about how she’s the hbic – head bitch in charge.

I believe that’s HBICOSW – Head Bitch in Charge of Shitty Wigs

Scott tells them both to get the hell out and NY’s pissed she’s having a shitty day. Luckily, there’s Voss there for some one on one time with New York/the camera. NY’s all flattered as Vos pays attention to her, but once he leaves, she returns to her bitchy old ways and starts complaining about her car not being there. I Hate New York.

“I LOVE NEW YORK (as long as it gets me camera time)”

Well, looks like we have our villain set up for this season in Kelly, and our self-loving hero, Vos. This raises a bunch of questions like, will Scott every slap the shit out of New York? Will Lizza screw Chuck in an ill-fated attempt to earn his respect? Will Vos hook up with New York just to be a low-grade version of Chance? Probably none of the above since it’s just gonna be New York fucking up in an audition again or something else stupid. But you never know! Fingers crossed, Gasmii! Until then.