Rock of Love Bus: If You Wanna Date a Rock Star, You Better Learn How to Fall Off the Stage, Bitch.

Hello dolls and welcome back aboard the Rock of Love Bus. Packed your crotchless panties? Great, let’s go!

That’s the prize for winning the entire show. Pick something else.

It’s a skankshine morning! Juliette Lewis Ashly is happy that they’re down to only ten hos, she feels like they’ve skimmed off the dead weight. But the elation doesn’t last long, as Big John turns up with some important news. The hos wonder if they’re in trouble. But no. The trouble is with Granny / Former Model Maria. Apparently, she has a “medical condition” and had to be rushed to the hospital. What kind of medical condition? I’m so curious, but that’s all the info we’re gonna get.

Even though the tour rolls on, Bret does his good deed for the day, and calls Granny at the hospital. She tells the stupidest story ever, about how they were trying to take her blood in the hospital, and they couldn’t! “I told them it was because you had my heart,” Granny simpers. Oh, give it up ho. You’re stuck in the hospital in Hooterville, USA and the tour’s moving on. Oh, but wait, as the tour leaves town, the bus is going to stop off so Bret can visit Granny. The doctors told him not to, but he’s coming whether they like it or not. Bret loves to remind us what a rebel he is. Oh, and also he mentions his diabetes. He loves to talk about that too. The insulin challenge is definitely forthcoming.

I’ve got your heart. And diabetuhs.

And as the Slut Bus pulls out of – wait, what city are they in again? Life on the road is really wearing me down. Anyway, they head out of Hicksville, Nowhere with a note from Bret saying that they’ll watch him play…and he’ll watch their every move. Oh, and they are to “dress to impress”. Penthouse Taya is excited to finally wear her “cute outfit”. Thrilling, I’m sure Taya’s got a whole suitcase full of sale items from Express. I can already tell I’m going to love this challenge. Oh, and we learn that we’re going to Chicago! Finally, a city I’ve heard of! Do you think we’re upgrading from the state fair tonight? We’re totally due.

Well, of course Boring Butch Beverly is complaining about how hard it is to “dress to impress” on a bus. Better get used to it, babe. Getting dressed on busses, bathrooms, behind dumpsters…and speaking of the skill of tarting up anywhere, Farrah and Juliette Lewis are talking shit on everyone else. Marcia Brazil has given up on the task of staying sober and is doing a shot of tequila. Kelsey, who can’t help but look adorable, is using this time to nap.

I’ve never seen someone so eager to show off the bruise on their ass before.

Well, Bret loves Chicago and he loves the Horseshoe Casino where he’s playing a – you guessed it – “awesome concert” that night. Penthouse tells us the excitement is contagious, and they walk into the venue to find Bret in a Poison shirt! Back to his roots, loves it! I have never denied being a Poison fan. He welcomes the hos to the “beautiful” Horseshoe Casino, cause dinky casinos are known for their great beauty, and once again reminds them of the “awesome” upcoming show.

And then out comes a chubby guy who looks gay. I believe this is what Flippy and JMo (aka ChickGay) would refer to as a “bear”. Anyway, this is Joey, and he’s the head roadie. Today’s challenge will be packing up Bret’s gear, which I’m pretty sure from Jackson Browne is called the “load out”. See how being friends with gay guys and listening to classic rock helps the recap? Only the hos are gonna do it in cheap lingerie. And then they have to put on ugly work boots. Joey Bear wants them to stay safe.

The light gels are going to get scabs.

Penthouse tells us she’s ready cause she grew up around her Dad in bands. In bars, as we recall from the hayride. Gosh, who would have predicted that she’d end up splaying it in Penthouse? They pick Teams with guitar picks. They pick picks. Hee hee. There are four Red picks, four Black picks and one special green pick.

Juliette Lewis, Token Natasha, Boring Butch and Brittanya are the Red Team. Juliette Lewis says she’s got two dudes on her Team, and therefore they have a pretty good chance of winning. Farrah, Penthouse, Kelsey and Mindy are on the Black Team. Brazil gets the magic green pick, which means she doesn’t have to do any work and she gets the VIP treatment all day. Immediately, Mindy starts whining, which I’m warning you now will become an ongoing theme this week. “It’s not fair,” she complains, and then the minute the challenge starts, she starts bitching about how bad she has to pee. And she won’t shut up about it. Farrah advises her to shut up and hold her pee, but Mindy can’t do it. This is rock and roll bitch, squat behind an amp and get on with it already.

Farrah and Penthouse start getting organized, while Juliette Lewis looks like a mental patient wrapping cords. Brittanya looks like a refugee from Hollywood Blvd. in a pair of jean shorts cut to look like a pair of panties. I would expect Chanel to do a pair like that next season. And where’s Mindy, Bret wants to know? “On a bathroom break,” replies a clearly annoyed Farrah. Mindy comes running back in, she said she went as fast as she could, but she can tell her Team is still pissed (ha ha) at her.

Your tits are out? Come on, you were raised better than that. Wait. No you weren’t. Carry on.

Penthouse informs us that she’s the “unofficial leader”. She’s dressed like a French maid in pleather and scurrying around like a hamster. “Don’t get hurt!” Bret yells, and two seconds later she yanks on a wire and falls right off the stage! “Oh, this is not good,” says Bret. Hell yes it is! Can we see a replay? Ha! This is the most I ever have and ever will like Penthouse.

But Penthouse hops back on the stage like nothing’s wrong. “I’m good!” she says with a cheerful grimace. Bret says she’s showing determination. Penthouse tells us to be honest, she’s hurt bad. Don’t we all have a story like this? I tripped going up the steps of the subway once, fell on my face on the stairs and then hauled ass down the street. Unfortunately, I had lost my shoe in the incident. “Lady, your shoe!” some guy yelled, running after me with my shoe. “It’s fine!” I yelled, with a cheerful grimace of my own, as I hobbled down the rainy NYC street with one heel and one stockinged foot. I believe my thinking at the time was that my apartment was only two blocks away and it simply wasn’t worth the embarrassment of retrieving my shoe from the helpful stranger who I would never see again. So I can’t really fault Penthouse for her actions here.

But to prove how fine she is, Penthouse starts frantically throwing things all over the stage. “Check her, Joey,” commands a concerned Bret. And then Penthouse starts flipping out and crying. “Don’t break down right now!” yells no-nonsense Farrah, “Get the fuck up!” I love this ho. Gotta pee? Hold it! Fall on your ass? Keep it together! I just don’t like what she’s wearing. I can’t even describe it, except to say that it kind of looks like she’s wearing a pink diaper.

And as always, Juliette Lewis says it better than I ever could. “If you wanna date a rock star, you better learn how to fall off the stage, bitch,” she sneers. And what is with Token and the tutus? And the caterpillars of mascara crawling down her eyes? I have seen the comments, and I concur. I think Bret’s got a tranny on his hands.

While Bret watches, Brazil comes over to him “smelling like Doritos and tequila”. Way to hook ‘em, Brazil. She tells him that the only time she’s had with him was when she was drunk and she wants to tell him one thing. And that’s that she’s not in love with him. Oh Brazil, you’re so on your way off the bus. She wants him to know that even though some of the girls on the bus say they’re in love with him, she doesn’t buy it cause none of them know him. Now, no one’s denying this is a very valid point, but that’s just not the game we’re playing here.

Even your breasts are disturbing right now.

And Bret tells us that while Brazil is really hot…he’s thinking he might be turned off. This is the kiss of death. And then he tops it off by saying that the only way to have a connection with her would be to smear his body with tequila and Doritos. Oh dear. Bret never really insults a ho. Not looking good, Brazil.

The rest of the hos pack the gear onto some vans, there’s stuff falling everywhere and it’s kind of a mess. The first Team to get the door shut to their van is the winner. It looks pretty close, but in the end…it’s the Red Team! Juliette Lewis is delighted. She needs the VIP treatment, having been living with nasty girls, herself of course excluded, on a bus.

And over on the Black Team, Mindy the Whiner is not taking it well. “No matter how hard you try, you still lose,” she bitches. Well, perhaps if you hadn’t taken that bathroom break? Big John takes the Red Team, along with Brazil. Of course, Penthouse is bothered. “She doesn’t deserve it, she wasn’t even involved,” she complains. There is so much complaining today. I cannot stand a whiner.

The Red Team gets to the VIP suite, where Bret has left gifts for them. Oh, and also a bunch of whore clothes for them to wear to the show. The gifts are bracelets, and Boring Butch says something about never taking hers off. Meanwhile, the sad Black Team gets one more chance. Bret gives them each a phone with a phone number programmed in it. They all dial the number at the same time, and the ho that gets the Rock of Love theme song gets to join the Red Team! They go sit outside the bus for what Kelsey calls a “white trash picnic” and Whiner Mindy tells us that it’s not far that the other hos get to be “be-bopping” around Bret when they don’t even like him. First of all, be-bopping? Who talks like this? And second, how does she know the other hos don’t like him? Whiner needs to get a clue. This is not Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels and a whiney sort-of hot girl with a bad boob job.

LOL

Over in the VIP suite, Juliette Lewis wants to wear her bathrobe to the show. Boring Butch wants to know if one of the whore dresses look good on her. Back at the picnic, Penthouse is shaking her head, sure they were going to win. Farrah is bummed that all “her girls” were VIPs while she has to sit with all the whiney babies. They’re all hoping to get the special phone…but the winner is Kelsey! She’s thrilled, and bounces off while Whiner Mindy gives her the death glare.

When Kelsey turns up in the VIP suite, Juliette Lewis decrees that if it couldn’t be Farrah, then Kelsey’s okay. And then, Farrah, Penthouse and Whiner are escorted through the dreaded general admission. Oooh, burn. The other hos prance backstage, full of pride over their groupie status. Over in the general admission seats, Farrah and Penthouse are yelling for Bret and having a grand old time while Whiner Mindy stands there looking like an idiot in her Pocahontas-style bikini with a sourpuss look on her face. “I feel like I’m the only one interested in Bret Michaels,” she inexplicably explains. Yeah, we could totally tell by your pissy attitude.

Bret comes on stage, and the hos go wild…all except Whiner, who clearly loves Bret best. Brittanya literally cannot keep her boobs in her dress. They are blurred out the entire time. Kelsey and Juliette Lewis are doing shots on the side of the stage, and Boring Butch sings every word along with Bret. It makes her look slightly stalkerish. “If you can’t appreciate his music, why the hell are you here?” she questions.

Seriously ho, this is the guy who penned such classics lines like “unskinny bop, all night and day” you know.

But Penthouse also knows all the words. Farrah and Juliette Lewis shake their boobs at each other from opposite ends of the venue. And Bret notices! He points out that Farrah and Penthouse are having a blast, even from their crap seats, but Whiner Mindy is a downer and it’s “bumming him out”. Of course! What rock star wants a ho to stand around their concert looking mad?

And then, Brazil digs the last shovelful of dirt for her grave. She sees who she calls “real fans” in the front row of the concert…and she gives away Bret’s present! Granted it was a cheap bracelet that some PA bought, but still, the Ego isn’t gonna like this. “They were very happy, they were crying about it,” she reports. Good, I’m glad. I hope that will be a great comfort to you when your ass is kicked off the bus.

Ew. You smell like Dorito barf.

Post-show – oh, I’m sorry, post-awesome-show, the hos are at the after party, but Bret’s not there! Well, well, well. Look who can’t “hang” with his own lifestyle? Or were the baby-mama and kids in town for that show? Chicago’s a big one. Anyway, Boring Butch wastes no time making friends with Bret’s drummer, a blue-haired mohawked dude. Everyone notices, especially my besties Juliette Lewis and Farrah. Boring Butch is some piece of work. For all her judging of the other hos, I don’t see any of them trying to hook up with Bret’s band. Oh, and Whiner’s still standing around looking stalkerish.

They take the party out to the casino, and after making out with each other, Farrah and Juliette Lewis start yelling at Boring Butch. Apparently, while she had her tongue in Farrah’s mouth, Juliette Lewis noticed Boring Butch making out with the drummer ! Is it truth? Or sabotage? Can we get some video documentation? And we do! In slow mo! And it’s truth! Boring Butch is a ho!

Guess it was hard to stick with that “don’t wanna embarrass my three kids” thing.

Drunken yelling ensues, “you fucking bitch”s are flying everywhere and Juliette Lewis is downright furious. So furious, in fact, that there’s only one thing she could possible say. And that’s, “I want a cheeseburger!” Awwww…cheeseburger’s make it all better.

“What did you see?” Boring Butch demands of Juliette Lewis, who is now pretty much losing it. Where is that effing cheeseburger? “I’m here for Bret, I’m not here for you!” Juliette Lewis yells. She’s positive, but Boring Butch is denying it. Hussy! Lying hussy! “Did I miss something?” Boring Butch says in sarcastic denial. Why yes, you did. So let’s show it in slow mo replay again, shall we, ho?

Juliette Lewis, having may or may not eaten a cheeseburger, pukes in the casino lobby. Whiner is “embarrassed to be associated with her”. Let me tell you something honey, Bret’s a lot more likely to take on a ho who parties til she pukes than one who stands at his concert looking like a serial killer with PMS. “I’m so sophisticated,” Juliette Lewis drools, and then looks for the garbage can to puke in again while she discusses pooping in her pants.

Can the poetry challenge be far behind?

The next day, the hos are looking even more harsh than usual. “My groin muscles are pulled and my ass has a huge bruise,” says Penthouse. Boring Butch says there was a lot of drinking going on the night before, and then Brazil calls her out on the kiss. “You must have been drunk cause he was not cute,” Juliette Lewis informs her. Boring Butch is still denying it, so Juliette Lewis clarifies. “I saw you do it and I threw a chip at you,” she insists. She threw a chip at you, ho. Obviously she wouldn’t have done that for no reason.

The spackle-style makeup comes out, and it’s pretty scary. Brazil retrieves Bret’s note for the day, but it’s 8 am, which means she’s already wasted and we can barely understand what the hell she’s reading of the note. Turns out, it’s a date for Juliette Lewis, Brittanya, Token and Marcia. Oh, I guess Kelsey’s lucky phone call doesn’t extend to the date. Juliette Lewis thinks she should have no trouble garnering all the attention on the date – after all, she’s still with “two dudes”.

Farrah guzzles champagne in the room – my love for her is so justified. She, Whiner and Penthouse discuss who’s going home that night. “I think we all know the answer to that one,” says Whiner. Well, I don’t, but if you’re thinking it’s you, I’m totally on board with that. Clearly, she’s fishing for a, “Oh no, Bret really, really likes you” but if she wants to play this game with Farrah, she’s got the wrong ho. Farrah flat out tells Whiner that Bret noticed exactly what was going on from the stage, and she was smart enough to at least act like she was having the best time. “Well, I’m not good at acting,” Whiner whines. And why bother learning? Men just love immature, pissy bitches. Well, actually, some men kind of do, but not Bret and his ego.

At lunch, Boring Butch is nervous about talking to Bret and trying to figure out the right time to do it. Fast, ho. If you don’t, Juliette Lewis will, and I don’t see any cheeseburgers around to stop her. Bret spends about three seconds congratulating them for having such a great time at his concert, and then moves right on to Brazil and her bracelet defection. “They were singing and crying and they deserved it more than I did,” she explains. True fans indeed, but not nearly slutty enough to make it on the bus that Brazil will most certainly be off of in a matter of hours.

Breakfast of Champion Hos

“In one sense, I’m bummed, cause it was a gift,” Bret says. Everyone’s bummed on this episode. Bret’s bummed at hos giving away his gifts, Farrah’s bummed about general admission, Mindy’s bummed because she’s the only one there who really likes Bret, even I’m bummed cause everyone being bummed is BORING!

“But, it was really cool that you did that, you have a good heart,” nice guy Bret tells Brazil. And then he passive aggressively tells her that she’s always been honest about not knowing anything about his music. And then he tells us that she’s definitely sending a signal. Yeah, that the bar on the Rock of Love Bus is running low on tequila.

And then we get to the real drama, and that’s that Bret’s ever-faithful mop for leftover hos, Big John, has dutifully reported that someone was making out with the drummer after the show! “Nice,” says Bret sarcastically, “You were drunk and horny.” Boring Butch, who now knows she was busted, changes her tune from denial to “I don’t remember”.

“I saw it!” yells Juliette Lewis. “I don’t remember,” says Boring Butch, sticking to her story, “but if I did that, it wasn’t cool.” And then she has the balls (no, really) to say that she’s pissed off that no one believes her! Bret’s really not happy about this. “No matter how drunk I got, I wouldn’t be making out with your friends,” he tells her. He tells us that lunch was a great way to get the dirt, and now he’s got some decisions to make. He sounds really, really mad. Don’t piss him off, hos. We need him onboard for Season Four.

I wouldn’t make out with your friends! I’d f them, but that’s less personal.

And then it’s time to eliminate a skank. Whiner whines about not having a date with Bret, and how she needs to explain something to him. Who cares. Boring Butch thinks she’s going home. Farrah just looks resplendent in my favorite color, blue.

The first pass goes to someone he has more than just a “party connection” with and that’s Juliette Lewis. Token gets the next pass for being “centered”. Huh? My theory at this point is that Bret the producer knows she used to be a boy, and he’s keeping her in the game for a big reveal. It is a testament to his commitment to his show, cause that’s gonna be really embarrassing for him.

Farrah gets the next pass, and I’m not the only one loving her look! Kelsey’s in for being cute. And Whiner once again complains that she’s the “normal girl”, and that’s why she’s not gotten called yet. “I’m the underdog,” she tells us. You’re the victim, ho, and that’s why I want you gone.

The next pass goes to Penthouse, because of the physical attraction and how she “kicked ass”. Whatever, she did take a bad spill but it didn’t stop her, so I’m okay with this. Brittanya gets the next pass for their “immediate connection”, but she gets a warning that she’s been “a little quiet” lately.

Penthouse kicking ass.

We’re left with Boring Butch, Brazil and Whiner Mindy. “It has become painfully obvious what I need to do,” he tells us gravely. And then he sends Big John away with the rest of the passes. Are they all three going home? I could totally live with that. It’s really the Juliette Lewis and Farrah show anyway.

“For once in my life, I know what I need to do,” Bret tells us.

I’m enrolling in ITT Technical Institute.

Please, dramatic much? Brazil is praised for having a wonderful soul and being a beautiful girl, but there’s been a “misconnection”. “I’m honest,” Brazil tells him, “and I don’t know you.” I’m down with this, I really am, but come on, she knew what she was signing up for.

Next, he tells Whiner how much he cares about her, how physically attracted he is to her and how emotionally connected he is. Really? All cause she scored two hockey goals? He hasn’t spent so much as five minutes with her! Brazil should be taking notes on this performance. “But are you attracted enough to stay in the game?” he asks Whiner. She answers by standing completely still and saying nothing, once again proving that she’s the only one who really cares about Bret Michaels.

And then Boring Butch gets the Mean Daddy speech. “Beverly, if you invited me to your house,” wait – are we comparing the Horseshoe Casino to Bret’s house? Oh, probably. Let’s just get back to Bret’s rehearsed speech. “I would not be making out with your friends. I don’t think you would have liked it, out of mutual respect, and to hear it from everyone but you?” Boring Butch wants to know if this is a bad dream, cause he has the wrong idea. Yes. You kissing the blue haired drummer was all a big illusion, and Bret’s the insane one for making such a fuss.

“It’s painfully obvious,” he repeats, clearly loving this line. “What’s right for you, and me, and all of us.” Wow, Bret really did take some time on tonight’s elimination speech. “Mindy, Beverly, go back to the bus and get ready to rock and bring you’re A-game.” Boring Butch is shocked. Whiner feels like she has a new lease on life and she’s gonna start fresh. Sure, until she loses the next challenge because no one loves Bret like she does.

Bret once again takes Brazil to task for giving away the gift his minimum wage PA so lovingly picked out for her. Then he tells her she has more of a connection with her bottle of tequila. “You are a warm hearted Brazilian woman, but your tour ends here,” he says without a moment more of fanfare.

Brazil parts ways by telling us in her signature slur that she had “the time of her life”. Then she almost calling Bret “Chet”. Enough said.

I will always love you, Flavor Flav!

And the bus rolls out, ready to spread the cheeseburger flavored vomit and used up old ho smell to the next unsuspecting city. I think I missed next week’s preview, so let’s just be surprised. Til then, Bret may have a bus full of hos, but my kisses are only for you…