Viva Hollywood!: Scandal Whores Unite!!!

Hola Chicos;

This week it’s all about scandal, those bitchy revelations that spice up our lives and provide the lifeblood of the Internet. We’re down to four contestants and we’ve got the Queen Bitch of them all, Perez Hilton, to help cut them down to three.

Bitches, you are going to love me!!

We open up with the remaining contestants wandering around the house repeating, “Wow, four?” “Just four?” “Only four left?” Sort of like the end of the horror movie, when the heroes finally notice that all of their friends have died off.

Berto goes into a lengthy justification of why he voted for Jenn, explaining that it was just strategy and then goes to weasel apologize to her. Jenn actually accepts Berto’s apology really nicely and I’m pleasantly impressed. When Jenn’s not in one of her psychotic rages, she’s really sweet. Jenn and Berto hug and cry. Jenn tells us that she’s cool with Berto, but she’s over Gisel.

Berto is still whimpering with remorse when he returns to his room and, of course, Gisel the psycho stalker is waiting for him, because, for Gisel, home is where Berto’s bed is. But Gisel isn’t having any of this wimpy, sniveling, regret from Berto. After all, by sending Jenn to the duel, Berto probably saved Gisel’s picture perfect ass and he should be ecstatic, I tell you, f**king ecstatic that she’s still in the house stalking him in an up close and personal fashion. In Gisel’s narcissistic world, Berto’s feelings of regret are nothing less than one major ass betrayal and she’s not going to sit around in her tasteful, sequin enhanced, dress and take it. Instead, she’s going to march her ass out of the room and bitch to her new BFF, Geovannie.

Geovannie is sporting a new haircut, that I have mixed feelings about. It’s very Leonardo di Caprio. And he’s wearing a high fashion hoody that’s a shout out to flower power. Gisel spews hate induced psycho-babble wavering between tears and anger as she demands, “Why is everybody so two-faced?” Geovannie demonstrating surprising good sense and, using gentler words than I would have chosen, basically tells her to shut the f**k up, get over herself, and play the game. Geovannie is like the new Dr. Phil because that short little talk was so insightful that Gisel saw the error of her ways. In an alarmingly pathological mood swing, she tells the camera that she is now all over taking things personally and is ready to just do what she has to do to play the game. That being said, Gisel decides that what she really needs to do is to go to patch things up with Jenn. Of course, they cry and hug and now everybody loves each other. It’s one big Latino free love friggin flower power fest. But, I have to confess that I strongly suspect that Gisel realized that Geovannie was losing patience with her and decided that she needed to fix her alliance with Jenn.

A cameraman’s girl-on-girl prison fantasy.

Jenn being a smart cookie patches things up with Gisel. She tells us that she doesn’t need the stress in the house and it is what it is.

The next morning the chicos are seated at the table when Carlos joins them, commenting that last night was quite the love fest. Everybody grins and I’m wondering if there’s some unpublished footage floating around somewhere. Then, Uncle Walty reveals that the seventh sin is scandal while our disembodied narrator intones, “you can rise like a phoenix from the ashes of controversy and leave your competition in the dust.”

Carlos sends the chicos down the hall in search of Maria Conchita. Instead of knocking, the chicos simply march into the room and freeze, their mouths collectively dropping.

On the count of three, say aw.

The camera then pans to reveal a bare-chested Alexcy reclining on a couch with Maria Conchita sitting across his lap and smooching with him. It’s nice to know that Alexcy has been pursuing gainful employment since he was eliminated from the show and its so kind of Maria Conchita to have given him a helping hand.

Berto says he was shocked just shocked and that Alexcy is a lucky bastard. Gisel says that it was like walking in on her parents, which you know Maria Conchita isn’t going to like. MILFdom aside, Maria Conchita is not going to appreciate the reference to her age.

Can someone call 911? I think my leg’s stuck.

Maria Conchita gives a seductive little shimmy and happily shares her personal brush with scandal. She had attended a Paris Hilton beach party wearing a nice dress. Of course, it’s almost mandatory that if you’re going to be part of the Hilton select circle you must respect your vajayjays need for fresh air. Because, if there’s a cause that Paris believes in, its freeing imprisoned vajayjays. So, really, it isn’t at all surprising that Maria Conchita would be seen reclining on the beach sans undies. What is surprising, is her ability to so unerringly aim her hoo-hoo at the camera. Also, I have to object to the editor’s choice of using maracas to cover up her hoo-hoo. After all, the sombrero’s that they’ve been using to cover up the male genitalia are much more dignified. And any vajayjay of Maria Conchita’s should clearly be treated with respect.

If you look really close you can see an entire mariachi band.

Maria Conchita then explains that for the chicos challenge, they will be given a video camera and be expected to film their scandalous scenes. Gisel will be filming her own sex tape with Carlos Ponce, and I have to say that I am not impressed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m psyched to see Carlos getting all down and dirty, but the thought of him romantically entertaining Gisel makes me want to retch or at least throw a perfectly good margarita at the television.

Berto is going to film his crime spree of stealing ladies underwear and the editors treat us to shots of Berto dressed in lingerie. Once again, I’m not impressed. I’m going to have add some tequila to this margarita if I’m going to have to watch much more of Berto in drag. I can only hope that after last week’s nasty revelations, he’s taken some time to go seriously metrosexual south of the border.

Somebody needs to explain tucking to this man.

Jenn is going to film herself throwing a tantrum and Maria Conchita adds a little pointedly that this is something that Jenn knows how to do. Of course, Gisel has something to say about this, because you know the challenges aren’t fair. After all, Jenn is only throwing a tantrum, which is something that she does everyday, and Gisel has to do a sex scene, which for a vestal virgin like herself is a totally novel experience. Ohhhh, Gisel, someday, maybe after years of hard work and therapy, I have faith that you will be able to share what we commonly refer to as reality. Beside, you’re going to be working with Carlos Ponce. WTF is there to complain about?

Geovannie is going to film himself in a drunken Hasselhoff moment. The problem for Geovannnie is that he’s not really a drinker and he wants to give an authentic performance. Being a brilliant problem solver and a strong advocate for method acting, Geovannie makes the decision to get drunk and starts downing shots. Apparently, he drinks lots of shots because the editors then show Geovannie sexily hugging the porcelain bowl, trying to remove his stomach lining by active heaving and retching. Gisel is playing nursemaid, which is at once surprising and worrisome. Generally, Gisel is not someone that I would think of as having a nurturing side, but I guess even narcissistic psycho stalkers from hell can have a caring side for their BFF’s. So Gisel’s nursing seems to consist of trying to convince Geovannie that all the barfing is just making things worse and he should just drink some water and eat a banana. In response, Geovannie reaches new heights of gastric distress and, thoroughly revolted, Gisel leaves the room. If you’re one of those people that starts to heave at just the thought of someone else puking their guts up, fast forward through this segment.

Mercifully, we go to a commercial break, but when we return we find Geovannie still draped over the toilet. Gisel gets worried and goes to Berto for help. Berto, ever practical and apparently not a huge fan of vomit, asks her what she expects him to do. But, he reluctantly accompanies Gisel to the bathroom and tells Geovannie that he needs to get into the shower. As Geovannie pathetically crawls in the general direction of the shower, Berto is apparently envisioning a scenario involving himself, Geovannie’s naked body, and a dropped bar of soap. Well, Berto don’t roll that way, so when he asks Geovannie if he needs any help, he sounds more than a little reluctant. Geovannie, expiring away on the bathroom floor, assures Berto that he’s just fine and dandy.

A poster child for clean bathroom floors and prohibition.

Meanwhile, Gisel bitches to the camera that if Geovannie was acting with her and got drunk she’d be pissed. Our crafty editors seize the opportunity to replay a clip of Gisel introducing shots into girl on girl scene with Janet. I’m beginning to think that somebody in the editing room is getting a little tired of Gisel.

The chicos begin their challenges and we start with Berto trying on women’s lingerie. He tells us that it feels kind of nice; kind of like touching “his girl” when she puts on all of her stuff, but he’s touching himself. And, sure enough, there’s Berto in a slip, with fishnet stocking and heels, one leg strangely resting along the bureau, as he gropes his genital region.

Things Mitt Romney’s nightmares are made of.

Gisel is of course bitching that she has to do a Paris Hilton tape with Carlos because she’s nothing like her. Note to Gisel: shut the f*ck up!! You get to do a sex scene with Carlos Ponce. You officially have no reason to complain about anything ever again. So, the scene starts with Gisel dressed in lingerie, primping for the camera which is strategically aimed at the bed. Carlos comes in wearing a towel and I give a quick thanks to God for answering small prayers. Then, instead of doing the wild monkey thing, they argue about turning off the camera. And that’s all there is to the scandalous sex scene. While grateful for the opportunity to see Carlos deshabille, I have to say that this was a lame ass scandal. I did try to get a screen shot of Carlos in his towel but the video was too grainy. Sigh!! Sadly, this screenshot came out:

And we came upon a beautiful vestal virgin

Jenn tells us that she’s planning on throwing a Naomi Campbell type tantrum. She enters the room talking on a cell phone and everything is fine until the caller cancels his date. Then Jenn seriously ups the Naomi Campbell scenario. Holy sh*t, this women goes seriously psycho, screaming, flailing, kicking, shredding upholstery and pillows, and finally throwing the phone. The final shot is of Jenn collapsed on the ground panting surrounded by pillow stuffing. “Don’t call back.”

Don’t you love the idea of Jenn working as a telemarketer?

Geovannie has pulled himself together enough to be functionally drunk for the camera. I have to say that this feels kind of like cheating. I mean, he’s not acting drunk. He is drunk. And what’s really pathetic is that he can’t stop belching and hiccupping when he talks to the camera. Whatever, he’s definitely pulling out a stellar Hasselhoff imitation. He breaks in to the liquor stash, grabs a bottle of vodka and chugalugs before stuffing food into his face, while sprawling on the ground.

Geovannie acting for his scene:

Geovannie after scene is finished

For all great artists, life sometimes imitates art.

After his scene, Geovannie retreats to the bathroom and squats on the floor whimpering that he went too far with the drinking. Then, like he’s trying to do a commercial for Dr. Drew’s rehab, he pathetically tells the camera that he has to find someway to turn his train wreck drunken ass around or he’s going to go home.

Geovannie joins the chicos at the table still belching and hiccupping and one of the chicas accuses him of still sounding drunk. Carlos reappears to tell the chicos that their tapes were great. But now, they’re going to be grilled by a celebrity reporter. During the interview, they will have to admit that the scandal happened and they will be judged on how well they can spin the scandal to their advantage. There’s a certain frankness and honesty about a show that accepts that scandal will follow their winner and moves on to worrying about how they handle the scandal.

Now, I need to confess that in the past I have not been a huge Perez Hilton fan. My limited exposure to him involved watching him run around in a cape on some TV special and the entire segment was pretty lame. And, ever since Perez Hilton started saying that he and John Mayer tangled tongues one night at a club, I’ve been taking what he says with a grain of salt. It’s kind of hard to picture John Mayer agonizing over the choice between Perez and Jennifer Aniston. I mean both are celebrities, but Jennifer clearly has better hair. Also, you know the purple/blue hair thing; well, it’s kind of gimmicky. So, I wasn’t holding out high hopes for his appearance and I’ve got to say that I was pleasantly surprised. Perez Hilton has taken the art of being bitchy with a smile to a whole new level. I’ve rarely witnessed such rude in your face celebrity interviews conducted with such a warm chummy attitude.

The producers have gone all out for this segment and have put together the worlds tackiest talk show set. Seriously, they must have found a color-blind interior decorator from the seventies to pull this one off.

Josey and the Pussycats had a yard sale.

Perez Hilton introduces himself as the Queen of all Media and starts by interviewing Jenn. With a friendly girl-to-girl smile, he tells her that he heard that she went all Naomi Campbell and asks “What’s up with that?” Jenn almost simpers that life has been very stressful after success of Viva Hollywood and she’s working to get a balance. Then moving on to more important things, Perez mentions that he’s heard that she has great tits (his word not mine). Jenn assures him that they’re real, but really this would have been a great opportunity to pull out the Seinfeld line, “there real and they’re spectacular. ” Perez asks her to show them to him, offering to put them on his website. While this is a generous offer, I’ve got to think that a gay man asking for a flash of a woman’s breasts is seriously lacking material for an interview. Then, bringing out the real ammunition for him torture her with, he shows a montage of Jenn tantrum tapes. You know, Jenn, the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Perez calls the tape ‘vivaliscious’ and asks if it bothers her when people call her a ghetto girl. Jenn says it does, but that she’s a humble person and once he gets to know her he’ll love her. But Perez, is thinking that maybe she’s not sounding so humble.

Berto is up next and Perez asks him about that pesky little compulsion to sneak into girls closets. Berto takes this opportunity to mention that he grew up in Puerto Rico in a very macho house, but I’m not quite sure where he’s drawing the connection to his klepto cross dressing side. Nothing if not ADD, Perez asks if Berto thinks Ricky Martin is gay? Berto responds with a cautious “Possibly.” And Perez assures him that Ricky Martin is a flaming homo. Then, sneakily slips in the question “Are you?” Berto shakes his head and chuckles when Perez offers to let Berto spank him. Now, this is a strategic error. I’m guessing that if Berto had agreed to spank him, Perez would have named him the winner then and there. Straight men are so slow to pick up on these things. Then, Perez shows a montage of Berto’s manho ways, starting with him in bed playing grope, grope with Gisel and Janet. Berto’s looking like he was hit with a two by four and says that he didn’t expect Perez to have that on tape. WTF is it with these contestants? Dude. Remember. Reality show. He’s lucky they haven’t shown him passing bodily fluids in the bathroom. And speaking of bodily fluids, Berto is crying innocence, saying that nothing happened because no bodily fluids were exchanged and there was no penetration. Then he denies having feelings for Gisel. Afterward, Berto tells the camera that he doesn’t think his girlfriends going to be happy. No sh*t Berto, presidents have almost lost their office with similar definitions of sex. Not only did you get busted, but you got busted on national TV. You might want to e-mail old Billy boy for some advice on this one.

Gisel is up next and Perez tells her that he loved her sex tape. Gisel she says that as long as you look pretty it doesn’t matter what you’re doing. If there’s any justice in this world, then Gisel will fade away before she can become a role model for any misguided youth. Perez smiles benignly and asks if anyone has ever told her that she needs a nose job. Okay, definite points for Perez. He follows the question up with, “What about a boob job?” I’m beginning to believe, just a little, that maybe John Mayer could have seen something appealing about Perez. Perez shows Gisel’s nasty little diva montage and finishes with, “What’s with the bitchiness?” Gisel simpers back at him that she’d never lie about how she feels. Then Perez asks if she’s got feelings for Berto and Gisel categorically denies any feelings beyond friendship for Berto. “Friends with privileges?” Perez asks hopefully, but, with a creepy stalker like smile on her face, Gisel continues to deny, deny, deny. Afterward, she proudly tells the camera that she kept a smile on her face the whole time. Yup, the entire time except for that question about the boob job:

Or the bitchiness:

Or her feelings for Berto:

Geovannie joins Perez looking like he’s been rode hard and put to bed wet. Perez mentions that he heard that Geovannie got a little drunk earlier and by a little he means ridiculously drunk. Then, in a friendly gesture, Perez hands Geovannie a barf bucket. Geovannie explains that he wanted to oxygenate his brain to get that drunk feeling, but unfortunately he overdid it. Okay, what’s with this oxygenating crap? That’s got to be the lamest story ever. Perez looks skeptical and pulls out a bottle of booze hoping to get Geovannie to take another shot. But, that wily Geovannie tosses the shot back and promptly spits it out into the bucket. Perez laughs evilly and suggests that they take a look at his tape adding that he hopes it doesn’t effect Geovannie’s future or anything that he might want to do. Geovannie’s tape is basically a montage of cheesy, overacting moments. Geovannie doesn’t seem too thrown by the tape and agrees that he might overact, but he’s grown a lot since he got on the show. Perez decides enough is enough of being sweet and tells Geovannie that he’s still a bad actor and even worse, his hair is lame. Geovannie isn’t going to take any trash talk about his hair and fires back taking aim at Perez’s purple glory.

The hair is F-I-E-R-C-E. You got that? Fierce!!

I’m beginning to think that I’m detecting a little bit of flirting going on. With a devilish grin, Geovannie tells Perez that if he buzzes his hair, then Geovannie will too. Perez fires back that he’ll buzz his pubes if Geovannie will, but not the head hair, Bitch. Geovannie shares that his pubes are already buzzed. Perez’s smile gets even bigger as he notes that that’s very gay of Geovannie. Geovannie gives him an innocent look saying that he takes hygiene very seriously. And, I’m thinking that Perez might have found his new John Mayer.

The chicos gather to discuss their tapes and Berto is like, “Oh, sh*t, that tape of me in bed with two women; that might be a bad thing. Maybe I should stop this flirting stuff and mend my ways. But I’m not clear if Berto’s talking about becoming a reformed manho or developing a pathological fear of cameras?

Then, it’s time for Perez to announce the winner, the loser and the prize. The prize includes tickets to Las Vegas, a stay at the Sahara, new luggage, and a massage. Perez also adds that release is optional for the massage, but I think the only chico to really catch that was Berto, who had a pretty knowing smile on his face. You know, that this manho isn’t one to pass on an optional release. Because there’s so few contestants left, the winner will not have immunity. Then, for those of us who are either inebriated or slow, the editors cut in a clip of Gisel explaining that in the past the winner always got immunity.

Perez gives a surprisingly good critique of the chicos performance in their interviews. Jenn needs to bring some humor and humanity to the couch; Berto let the questions throw him and he scared Perez just a little; and, Gisel didn’t have any snappy comebacks. But, Geovannie both recovered quickly and had good comebacks. Geovannie grins and bats his eyelashes at Perez. Not surprisingly, Geovannie also wins. Then, just flirting away, Perez adds that he’ll be the one giving the massage. I must say that Geovannie didn’t look too put out by the thought.

This isn’t awkward at all.

Gisel is of course pissed because the other chicos helped Geovannie to pull it together and instead of being grateful and losing, he took advantage of their kindness and won. That whole diva bitch queen montage apparently didn’t make much of a dent in Gisel’s self awareness. A little ironically, Gisel is the loser, which pretty much guarantees that Geovannie’s time as her BFF has come to an end. Meanwhile, Perez is wrapping up by telling the chicos that some of them might have a future. I’m guessing he means Jenn or Berto. Some of them might end up in jail and that could be a reference to either Gisel, with her psycho stalking, or Jenn, with her rage. Jenn really could go either way. And, finally, some of them might end up in gay porn. Well, you know that he’s talking about Geovannie.

After Perez leaves, the chicos try to work out who they’re going to send to the duel with Gisel. Berto says the smart thing would be to send Jenn. Jenn says that if she could choose she would send Berto. Then Geovannie and Berto confer, while Berto gets into a nice bubble bath. Of course, now that he’s caught on to the whole ‘camera’s recording his actions’ thing he’s wearing swim trunks to take his bath.

If only that was Perez

Later, seated at the table waiting for Carlos, Jenn asks Gisel who she wants to go to the duel. Gisel goes through the reasons why she doesn’t want to meet with either Jenn or Berto, but when it comes to Geovannie she sobs that he doesn’t want this as much as she does. You know, I think Geovannie’s a little creepy, but hey, I’ve got to give him props for not reaching across the table and smacking her.

Carlos joins them before sending them into chapel to vote and goes through the prize list. Holy cow, I know I’m a bimbo, but somehow I hadn’t fully grasped the full extent of the prizes. Not only does the winner get $100,000 and a role on a telenovela, they also get a furnished condo in South Beach for a year. These are some serious ass prizes for a grade D reality show.

The chicos go in to vote and for the first time I can honestly say that I don’t have a clue who’s going to end up in the duel with Gisel. The editors kind of make it look like Jenn is going to be the one to go to the duel, but it also occurred to me that this could easily be a tie. Of course, we go to break before we find out.

After the break, Carlos makes the announcement that Geovannie is going to the duel and congratulates Jenn and Berto. Then, Gisel is all like, “I’m glad that Geovannie didn’t get immunity because he doesn’t deserve to be in this house anymore.” So much for the ‘I won’t vote for you’ alliance. What was she saying about everybody being two-faced?

Anyhoo, we’re about to start the duel and Maria Conchita arrives wearing a blue gown with a diaphanous front to the skirt and modest two inch eyelashes. Carlos gives her a drink stirrer with a rose on top, which is a really romantic thoughtful gift for an alcoholic lady friend. Maria Conchita gratefully makes use of the gift and calls out Gisel and Geovannie.

Looking the contestants over Maria Conchita sighs and asks Gisel who she is and why she deserves to be there. Gisel tells her that she’s had to struggle so much, but with all of the jobs that she’s had she’s most comfortable when acting.

Turning to Geovannie, Maria Conchita instructs him to tell them about his character. Geovannie basically skips the question and goes straight to begging, imploring the judges to give him the opportunity to stay in the house and keep fighting.

Then, Geovannie and Gisel get to face each other and that’s when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan. Geovannie tries to tell Gisel that her negative attitude gets in the way and that she needs to go back to Miami and find herself. And, BTW, this is a line pretty much lifted straight out of Little Enrique’s epic duel with Vinci. Anyway, Gisel keeps bitching and interrupting until Geovannie says, “I can’t talk to you anymore” and puts his hand in her face. Gisel can’t believe it and demands “Did you just put your f*cking hand in my face?” And Geovannie, starting to reveal his true inner bitch queen self, says, “Yes! Do you want to see it again?” and puts it back. And then it’s just screaming and really for the first time I have to say I’m kind of liking Geovannie. Maybe, the issue here has been one of repression. I mean, as far as I know, there’s not a lot of flaming telenovela leading men and Geovannie might have been trying to repress his better self, then compensating with overacting.

After a long journey, Geovannie finds his inner diva.

Maria sends the duelists away and Carlos comments that it’s the first time he saw juaritos on Geovannie. Maria Conchita notes that Gisel can’t get along with others and that she complains a lot, but also adds that Latinos are drama queens. Carlos comments that the attractive thing about telenovelas is that they’re so over the top. Finally, they’re left with the question of who they are ultimately going to eliminate, “the complainer or the robot.” As usual, Maria Conchita turns to her tequila for the answer.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here chanting “Please let it be Gisel. Please let it be Gisel.” I don’t know when I got this involved with the show.

The chicos come back and Maria tells Gisel that they loved her spirit and humanity, but that she needs the right attitude to bring to work. Turning to Geovannie, she tells him that they started to see a real person, but he has to find his own personality to bring to his acting. I’m still chanting, “Please let it be Gisel,. Please let it be Gisel.”

And it’s time for ….La Masacre de la Mascara.

In this week’s episode, Geovannie and Gisel are driving on the highway with the mask bizarrely placed on the dashboard. Geovannie is telling Gisel that he got the results of his blood test and they can never marry. Gisel cries out that he’s crazy and that she was saving herself for him. Geovannie lets it drop that the blood test proved Gisel to be his sister and they frantically swerve to avoid a truck and crash. Then both Gisel and Geovannie are shown lying back in the car either unconscious or dead, while the real life Geovannie and Gisel fixate on the screen with an intensity that promises to sprain their necks.

Another minute and they’re both falling on their faces.

As we watch the screen, Gisel, sadly, begins to stir and regains conscience, while Geovannie is, in Maria Conchita’s words, Muerto. Caput.

On his way out, Geovannie tells us that his strategy was to stand out, but that it was seen as overacting. And then, he’s gone to pursue that big gay porn site in the sky, leaving us with Gisel, Berto and Jenn toasting with Sangria.

Well, chicos, sadly we’re almost through this wonderfully cheesy trainwreck of a show. I’ll be spending the next day working on my recap of the finale, so save some of that tequilla for me…

****To read Chapter Eight of YentaPatrol’s novel, Honor Among Thieves, click here.

To start from the beginning, click here!