Secrets of Aspen: It’s ON Like Post-Menopausal Donkey Kong!

Laura, on her front.

In this inaugural episode, Laura comes back to Aspen from (surprise surprise) Orange county and immediately starts shit up with Brooke, Googly eyes and some poor bitch Masseuse. At the summer celebration party, Laura ends her friendship with Brooke and takes Googly eyes’ man while Kat (the poor one) finds an ugly dude to date! It’s all here in ASPEN!

Hey Duders! Guess who is covering your favorite new Housewife-like spinoff? MONAMONZANO! I guess VH1 wanted to capitalize on menopausal bitches and botched botoxes, so they created this new gem, Secrets of Aspen. And I am SO READY.

Are you?

First we meet LAURA, who has been living in Newport Beach (yeah, Orange County, much?) but is homesick for her old stomping ground, Aspen.

Hello Laura.

It seems like she has it all: a bad divorce, face work, and a penchant for ill-spirited mischief. BUT DOES SHE?

OH, I’m sorry. She’s going back to Aspen to launch her skiwear line. Oh, sorry. What, a bitch wants to provide a better life for her girls, right? (and she has 2. They’re with their father, which is probably for the best. And no, I don’t say this prematurely).

Laura’s first order of business? See her kids? Urinate?

Nope.

See “Aspen insider” Brooke…who just looks like a less pretty Laura.

Incognito.

Then there’s who I lovingly call Duckface Tranny, Brooke’s friend Lisa.

She hides her Adam’s Apple well.

Duckface Tranny discloses that Brooke secretly can’t stand Laura, and the games BEGIN!

Apparently, Brooke hates Laura for…letting her stay with her in California. Oh, wow.

Muffins EVERY DAY. Can you Imagine???

Something something chatty Kathies something Perry Ellis Laura starting a sleepwear line. Sleepwear? I thought Skiwear. Is all this stupid deafening me?

Meanwhile, in a hot tub far, far away…

some other bitches are talking about Laura being back in town.

Especially this broke-ass looking one named Robin.

The two other girls are named Kat and Star (and i use the term girls very, very loosely) but then Robin, who I will now call Googly-eyes because she looks like a crazy homeless Farrah Fawcett, is concerned about Laura’s presence.

Yow.

MILF Carrie Underwood, however, is unconcerned.

Tits & Cross.

Milf Carrie Underwood don’t give a shit. The sassy one, oh?

Back with Laura, the girls are shopping for a dress for uh, the big summer season kickoff party. Nothing to kick off a season like a big facefull of nasty, am I right? Robin Googly eyes?

Laura is trying on dresses and telling Brooke what’s up. Because, you know, that’s what friends are for. I believe I heard a “we don’t just take each other for who we are” and “innocence rape” thrown in there. Geez, Laura. Maybe you are Satan.

Brimstone breath.

BUT- there are also poor people in Aspen. Like, Kat the Masseuse, who was formerly in that hot tub. What? Fraternizing with the rich? That’s 20 lashes for you, wench!

She gives Laura a massage, which seems really gross. Also, it must be uncomfortable laying on those massive tits of hers.

Ow…

Kat talks a little about her modest lifestyle, and Laura is obviously bored.

Why do I do this again? I should g back to the farm.

Brooke and Laura are supposed to have their hair and makeup done together, but Brooke is deciding to take a stand! Braarg! Nice. I do like the added “fuck you” that Brook mentioned, that Laura called Brooke her “mini-me.” Wow, bitch. Brooke emphasizes the point that Laura would be nothing without her…so…I dunno….I guess doing makeup together isn’t happening? It’s gonna be the apocalypse, Aspen-crazy bitch style.

And, Laura breaks down because Brooke blows her off. Wow.

Cry into those gigantic titties.

Then Laura brings up that Brooke lived with her when her Daddy cut her off. Tough times, right?

At the party, older ladies are busy adjusting themselves and getting skanky drunk.

The former

the latter. Window Dance!

Actually, I’m not really sure what’s going on.

???

And Kat is there. What? Poor people were invited to this party? I’m confused. She’s just broken up with her boyfriend of two years, and has decided that if she doesn’t meet Mr. Right by the end of the summer, she’s outta Aspen. Wow. I hope underlings have dating sites. Or hey, why not try a boring massage therapy talk on some gross-looking rich dude?

Done.

Then she shows him her cuttlefish impression.

Stop, you charmer!

Meanwhile, Laura introduces Googly eyes to some 25 year old at the party, and Googly has renewed faith in Laura. Or does she? Man, the dude is 25. These women are really…classy.

Back with the poor lady, though: The one problem with Kat’s dude is that her tranny friend Lisa dated him, and of course she’s pissed. Ugh, this woman is nasty looking.

Quick, a Mummy is loose from the Aspen Natural History Museum

The Mummy is bitching about being jealous, and Kat stands her ground! Whoah! Man, woman really fight for dicks in Aspen. And not even cute dicks, just old ones. Aside from that 25 year old.

Speaking of 25 year old, Googly starts dancing with him, but Laura thinks that 25 is giving her the fuck-eyes. And according to Laura, biologist, “I’m at the top of the food chain when it comes to the natural selection of Shea.” God, you’re ridiculous.

So they fight for Shea 25 for a while. It reeks of desperation.

Old Bitch Ring Around the Rosy

Um, but I guess Laura won?

Tits.

Then 25 and Laura get some “fresh air in the bathroom.”

And come out reeking of sex and sandalwood potpourri.

Just goes to show, being rich and weird-looking doesn’t make you classy.

Brooke is trying to avoid Laura after the makeup incident, which is easy because Laura is busy breaking friendships and skanking it up in the bathroom. Still, Laura finds Brooke and reams her out for a while.

This is bigger than makeup!

These women are INFANTS. That being said, both think the other is childish, which leads to more attacking until…neither gets an apology. And, the friendship ends. RIGHT!

Poor babies!

Ah, Aspen. This show proves your city can be just as ridiculous as any other.

THOUGHTS!???