Secrets of Aspen: Tattle Tits

We’re a modest bunch

This week on Secrets of Aspen, Laura continues to be the uberbitch that she is by stacking the deck in her favor at a CHARITY AUCTION, where women and men get to bid on and DRAMA flies! Also, gay gay gay Ben stays sexually frustrated, being the only gay man or human being in a sea of catty, beef-jerkied bitches. Oh, Aspen! What secrets do you hold for us, great snowshoe MILF factory in the sky????

This week on secrets of Aspen….OH, YEAH, THE DATE AUCTION. And more bullshit.

Whose the organizer of this event? OH, this Rhodes scholar.

pretty pretty hair pretty

So yeah, it’s probably going to go off without a hitch. Without a bitch? Neither. So Star Mcsmartypants and poor-y go look for MEN who will be singled off for this soiree. And, with delicacy and tact, they ask Aspen’s handsomest to be part of the auctioneering fun.

WE WANT US BID ON YOU

Yeah, there’s nothing creepy or intimidating about a bunch of pushover, extension-lined Aspen socialites barking up your tree to get you to sign over your body to a date auction.

But someone’s still stuck in yesterday’s news…

The news about the hole under my pee-pee hole. And people paying to get in it.

Brooke goes over to Gay Gay Gay ben’s place- the place she uh, might live in, to make amends. Or clear the air. Or maybe, get some more business. Who knows? Secrets of Aspen!

Meanwhile, Gay gay gay ben is making some Gay Gay Gay pasta sauce.

cock zone

apparently, Ben is really cool when he’s sober, and sorta kinda apologized by saying to Brooke “get a thick skin.” How do gay people do that??? They give you a hug and call you honey and anything that comes out of their mouth sounds forgiving. GAYS!

Gay-O-K

Apparently, Brooke has a hard time avoiding conflict. Really? I find that hard to believe. Hey, remember satan? I do. Then Brooke takes some dirty laundry upstairs to her new digs.

also, she better love beige or that hooker gets it.

Gay gay gay Ben and Erin have a bitchy little exchange after Brooke goes to beigeland…GGG Ben lets Erin know that she’s still in the hot seat if any dumb hooker bullshit goes down.

In another digustingly botoxed part of Aspen, Laura goes to Star Mcsmartypants about how Brooke wouldn’t let Laura go crazy on her at the photo shoot. Ugh, who fucking likes Laura? Like, really? All she is are lumps of hair and plastic with a couple cells in there.

and throw in some puca shells for posterity’s sake.

So Laura tattles to Star, but really all I see is hair.

and no brushes to be found

Ugh, Laura. Nice work. Star is going to make sure that no drama goes down at the bidding date auction thingy. Laura’s the victim, right? (BRIMSTONE BRIMSTONE)

So, as date auction thingy draws near, Brooke shoots sexy men, the zombies go shopping for zombie related attire and Laura unabashedly does what she was born to do:

spend money on plastic injections.

But Gay Gay Gay Ben and Erin are more my style: namely binge drinking on an empty stomach. ASPEN!

HOLLA! (Glug glug)

GGGBen asks Erin if a girl bids on her, what she would do, and what happens if nobody bids on her. What? I though gay men were made for straight woman moral support (HUG, honey)…ahhh, all better.

Still, Fetal Erin looks hilariously pretrified at the thought of not being bid on.

WHAAAA?

Fetal Erin cheers to being desirable because all the dudes already know all the girls (I guess…), and Gay Gay Gay Ben drinks to not remembering the auction. That’s a toast I can believe in!

But why does gay gay gay Ben drink so much? My theory is that there are no gays in Aspen, so he drinks a lot and hopes a straight dude falls into his lair. I mean, according to this show, he’s the only gay dude on the planet, and the planet is populated by old, plasticine uber-bitches.

In the poor part of town, Poor-y is concerned because her ugly boy toy nathan won’t be there, so she doesn’t know if people will bid on her. Valid concern, Poor-y. Valid concern. Maybe change into something other than running shorts from old navy?

NEVER!

Meanwhile Laura, who has NOTHING BETTER TO DO (but is a competitor by nature) starts calling dudes to bid on her so she can win the date bidding thing. Wow, good to know your heart is in the right place, cunt. Uh, this is for charity, not that a lump of coal that some call a heart such as yours gives a shit.

Laura, hard at work.

As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough to call random dudes you know to bid on you, but then telling people you want to be the “Winner,” of the CHARITY DATE AUCTION? God, this woman should fucking be euthenized. Stat. Just put some poison in a botox needle and tell her that it’s some free givaway, and the bitch will come RUNNIN! She then FISHES FOR COMPLIMENTS from the dudes she just convinced to come to the auction. UGH. SHOOT. HER.

And then, the big night….

Rhodes Scholar is having pre-event nerves.

EEEEE!

Laura is apparently also trying to beat Brooke in the “I’m the hooker” rumor mill, because she looks like a complete skank.

Sorry, I mean complete OLD Skank.

Then she says some verbal diherrhea about stacked deck and investment returns and shit. Again, this is a CHARITY AUCTION, and you are a TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING.

Then Star goes up to Brooke and has a little lady chit chat about decorum, while gaping old slut makes faces in the back. Nice one.

Finally, the BIDDING BEGINS!

Poor-y Mcsmall titties is up first, and the crowd apparently loves whiny, small chested ladies who shop at marshalls. It’s an odd turn of events, folks, but poor-y is diggin’ it.

I suck dick.

So her bidder is a…well, let’s just say he’s a nascar midget. Good work, tiny tits!

I sold my trailer for this opportunity…do you like Kenny G? I do.

Star is next, and aside from wearing tissue paper wings, does a cartwheel.

just like in pageant camp! I ooze class!

And she doesn’t break a HIP! It’s a miracle!

We do see some wonderful granny panties, however. Ah, decorum.

Said panties

I also want to point out that there is a dude in a wheelchair at the date auction. I will assume he was not asked to be one of the sexy male singles.

said man in wheelchair

Fetal Erin is next, posing with Emcee Yenta.

Holla!

Laura gets in a dig about the dress being one of Brooke’s old dresses. God, you fucking terrible, terrible human being.

But, NOBODY BIDS ON FETAL! WHAT???

Erg…don’t look at us.

Then Brooke’s FRIEND bids on Erin, which Laura thinks is a mercy bid. What? Weren’t you just the soulless harlot who made a drinking night out of calling all your old fuckbuddies to come bid on you?

Then Gay Gay Gay Ben bids on some dude who gets scared of gay people. HILARIOUS! Or as GGGBen would say, HELLLO!

The last two old sluts left, MILF Carrie Underwood and Satan, are in the waiting room. MILF Carrie is being dismissive of Laura, which makes LAURA MAD. ARGG! (though I find it hilarious that if Laura isn’t getting all of the attention, she freaks!)

MILF Carrie Underwood doesn’t want drama, but she gets MONAYYYY! She gets the highest bid! Apparently, Aspen loves husky, big haired bitches that look like Carrie Underwood’s grandmammy.

HEE-HAW!

Well, this is shaping up to be a mighty fine auction for the huskier ladies.

Last but not least…Laura McSatan.

I LOVE how fetal thinks Laura thinks she looks like a divine beauty, but in reality she’s a skank (though she does look like a skank). I just love when fetal gets REALLY ANIMATED! HILARIOUS!

Honk honk

Then some bitch is on the phone with a “mystery bidder” for Laura…uh, ok. Gay gay gay Ben is immediately on to it, as gay people often are (hot on the trail of old skank bullshit).

Then the “mystery bidder” bids 1,000 dollars for HERPES! Er, Laura.

Laura describes this moment as an “after school special” where she gets the one up on all the mean girls. Really, Laura? Very skewed. Remember how you called your male friends to stack the deck? Yeah, you’re not exactly prom queen material, you disgusting husk of a woman.

John Barleycunt

Next time, Laura steals crazy eye’s men and Star goes crazy. Whaaa? Things are heating up in ASPEN, and i hope we have more gay commentary! HELLO!