SECRETS OF ASPEN: Poor-y got laid! Poor-y got laid! (A tiny- titted Finale!)

I’ll miss you the most, gay gay gay Ben.

Previously on Sexrets of Aspen (yeah right)…old bitches in hats and off the shoulder blouses. Some poor, some rich. Some ugly, some uglier. Oh, and lots of coffee beverages. How much damage can a bunch of old broads and one queen do? Well…we’ll see on the SEASON FINALE OF SECRETS OF ASPEN!!!

Alright cunts, let’s get this party started, Aspen style. Which means parties, botox and scary faces.

The summer is dying down and Gay Gay Gay Ben decides to…do the dishes?

we had no clean vodka glasses!

Fetal thinks its because deep down inside his gay gay gay heart, Ben has feelings, hopes and dreams. He knew he hurt her when he brought satan over for a hot tub rubdown from hell.

Then, they talk about their plans for the future…namely, Aspen off-season. GGGBen and Fetal are heading back to their mothership, Miami. As for Brooke? Well? Work on her photography, and maybe give a couple bjs for pocket cash.

Oh, sorry, Fetal and Brooke spend five minutes telling each other how pretty each other are.

In the tenament on the shitty side of town, Poor-y and crazy eyes get ready for the infamous “end of summer party.” Wow, creative name. Who comes up with these fucking lame ass party lames? Oh, I forgot. These lame ass BITCHES!

Back in Fetal’s den of mysteries (the bathroom) she coos over an ugly sleeve of an ugly dress.

Yikes. Put on some makeup before my eyes burn out of their sockets.

If fetal is going as a Gabor, Brooke is going as…her man-friend. Or, a lawn jockey.

I smell like barn

Then we see Laura/Satan, coating her fake face with makeup (take a hint, fetal!). She’s got no illusions about this party, and is going “with her boxing gloves in her prada purse.” Uh, ok. Hey, Laura? I hope your kids aren’t dead in Orange County while you neglect them for this charade we call a reality show.

Uh, I mean, nevermind.

Satan’s spackling her mug…

Brimstone concealer.

and in another part of town so is the stable boy…

horse spittle is my secret

and in a gayer corner of that same home, Gay Gay Gay Ben is getting prepped!

Popped collar and a facial mask. GAY!

Oh wait, it’s Ursula from The Little Mermaid!

Gimme your voice!

And, not to be outdone…

the moon.

PARTY TIME!

Everyone starts to schmooze when Satan walks in. MILF Carrie Underwood looks like she’s about to spew beef bourgignon.

Naw, I just choked on some botox.

I love how Brooke looks hotter than Satan, too. Heh.

Still, suspicion rises with crazy eyes and crazy Farrah fawcett about what Brooke does for a living because she’s uh, traveling over the winter? man, I’m a hooker and I don’t get to travel. That’s because true hookers know this: every season is an ON season. Hear me, sistas?

I will cut you.

So all the poor-ys are bitching about Brooke being a hooker, with her standing right there. Yeah, this house party has like 20 people at it, max. Wanna bet this party was made for the season finale and the finale alone? I will!

Brooke pulls crazy eyes (who looks especially wonky with her “flyaway” do) aside and confronts her about the hooker rumors. Crazy eyes? Counterpoint?

Counterpoint crazy face

So… then, I guess they drop it altogether? Way to milk the issue, editors.

But another issue has arisen! Alex comes back to claim his poor, chestless lady!

A lifetime of fast food and awkward laughs!

Then they fondle each others elbows and chins for five minutes. GAWD. Where’s GAY GAY GAY ben when you need him?

Well, then something BETTER (and totally saw coming) happens. WHA? Nathan’s at the party that EVERYONE IN ASPEN is at (or at least the show’s major players? NO shit.

hope you don’t mind, I just walked in.

I love that I hear a GAY GAY GAY BEN HELL-O! In the background. I’ll miss you, you gay alcoholic preppy douche, you.

memories…

Who is Poor-y about? Ugly or boring Alex??? Alex is way hotter….

But before that shit gets solved, Satan starts badmouthing Fetal’s dress. I’m pissed. I love fetal’s dresses, it’s like I’m watching a drag show anime character whenever she gets dolled up. Fabulous!

you flatter me!

Then Laura has the balls to go to fetal (who seriously, I think will cut a bitch) that her dress looks like a great “salsa” dress. Fetal pipes back that she heard Laura called it a “prom” dress. Boo ya! Laura denies it but hey! GAY GAY GAY BEN TO THE RESCUE to CALL THAT BITCH OUT!

Then they fight. Apparently, there was a mistake in communication. Uh, in actuality, Satan said MILF carrie underwood’s dress looked prom-y.

Whatchoo say? I is confused.

So gay gay gay ben goes off and….BROOKE comes to Laura’s defense? I’m confused. Hang that bitch out to dry and call it a fucking ASPEN NIGHT! It’s like the twilight zone, only with more sheer fabrics and hairspray.

???

Of course, Ben is pissed. He let Brooke into their home and now she’s all kissy kissy with Laura? Laura, go home. No? Okay, I guess talk to ben. Hey, that sounds like a great idea.

Hey, and more yelling happens. And the deletion of numbers.

The morning after, everyone is packing their shit, nursing their hangover and collectively hating themselves and/or Laura. Sounds like business as usual.

Laura gazes over the farmers market and bitches about how strong she’s become.

like, Xena warrior princess strong.

Meanwhile, Poor-y got fucked! Poor-y got fucked!

A tiny- titted dream!

Poor-y professes that she made the “hardest decision of her life” really? Choosing a hot dude over a rich, ugly one? Eh. I wish I could say I was on board, poor-y. Guess it’s back to Marshalls for the winter sale this year…

In the end, fags have their hags. And hags have their fags. I know this much is true.

Let’s go get a yogurt.

Then laura bitches about something. But, who cares? YOGURT!

THANKS FOR WATCHING!