That’s Amore!: All Hoes Go to Heaven

Hi there Gasmii. You know, with the recent festivities around St. Patrick, the patron saint of beer, I was thinking, what saints we would find this week on THAT’S AMORE!? Luckily, we have a house chock full of them, starting with,Kathleen, the patron saint of fake virgins, Rebecca, the patron saint of obnoxious hoes, and Missy, the patron saint of bitches who just like to break shit. Oh, and let us not forget Ashley, the patron saint of hoes who love steroids (sorry Debbie Clemens).

Love me Domenico, or I will destroy you!

We start off another holy day in the That’s Amore tack-mansion with Talor scheming like Mary Magdalene at a bachelor party (Last biblical reference, promise). She wants to find a way to get some time with Domenico, since she hasn’t had too many opportunities. She waits until all the other girls have gone downstairs, and pounces. Dom is somewhat happy to see her, considering she’s somewhat attractive and his eyes are a little glassy. Oh, and she smacks her ass on the way our showing Dom an American custom he had yet to discover.

It’s like an American arrivederci.

For the challenge today, Domenico is asking the girls to make him a meal. He says the main ingredient is in the closet and all the girls look at one another in complete confusion. Not exactly a Phi Beta Kappa meeting here, though. Nonetheless, the closet is holding General (Ash)Lee and a group of chickens, something that’s probably been said by someone south of the mason Dixon line at some point or another.

“Mama told me to study how they communicate, so they don’t take our society in a chicken coup. Git it!?” (Banjo medley in background)

The girls of course freak out when General Lee opens up the door and the birds come flying out. But once they quit cluckling and calm down, the chickens do too. The General tells them that they’ll be cookin’ up some of these chickens, which makes Rebecca give the ugly face again – in other words, she starts crying (again!). Meanwhile, Ashley is laughing at her, and wondering if the blood will stain her outfit while she’s drinking it.

“Good thing I didn’t wear white, cause I’m gonna tear this bird up.”

The girls go upstairs to change into their outfits for this competition, and this must’ve been filmed after November 1st, since they bought out some Halloween superstore’s inventory of “Sexy Maid” costumes. Ashley, overestimating her middling kinda alright-ness, says Domenico’s eyes are going to fall out of his head when he sees them. She’s mostly right, considering this is the first thing he does when he sees them.

“Mama.”

Domenico asks the girls to make his favorite dish, Chicken Parm because he’s homesick and he loves his mama’s. He says that it’s important for a girl with an Italian guy to be able to cook, “other wise, mmm mmm.” Well, that and tolerate his smell. Assuaging any fears she had before, the General tells Rebecca and the girls that “ya on’t be usin’ no lyyyyve chikins.” (banjo music) Ashley, living up to her Bondsonian standard, growls, “I would’ve killed that chicken…”

“…with my teeth…vagina dentata…small side effect of the human growth hormone.”

Christina’s concerned because she doesn’t know anything about cooking. She says she’s basically “fucked” but I’m not sure if she’s saying that because of the cooking she’ll have to do or if she’s talking about how she looks in the jacket she stole from Neneh Cherry’s closet.

Buffalo Stance

The girls get to work and it’s basically like an episode of Top Chef, only instead of brilliant culinary artists, legally retarded strippers are the contestants. Talor is a vegetarian, and has no idea what she’s doing, but that could be said for most of the girls. Rebecca, in particular, is acting like a baby in a minefield, crashing into everything and yelling for no reason. Kim and Missy feel pretty confident, however, as both have experience cooking, which they probably learned from the Mexican line cook at the Hooters they work at/their lover.

“I learned so much from you, Guillermo….about love…and buffalo wings”

The girls bring their dishes out to Domenico, along with their plates of food. Missy is up first and she’s mighty confident that her dish is a winner, although, she’s mighty lame too, and makes her chicken parm in the shape of a heart. Dom takes a bite and finds a conveniently located spittoon to dramatically get rid of the chicken. He doesn’t save it for Missy, however as there are bigger disasters from the other girls.

The worst of the bunch had to be Rebecca, Christina and Talor. Rebecca’s dish looks like all 80,000 of her tears shed on this show turned into terrible looking chunks of meat and were piled high on a plate. Christina’s dish is so bad, it makes Dom look at her like he wants to get charged with domestic violence on this girl for making him a bad meal. When did Dom get hard all of a sudden?

“You kidding? I’ve been hard since this thing started.”

Talor’s dish looks like a vegetarian gave birth to a baby that threw up all the green shit it’s been feeding off of intravenously. Kim, for some reason, backs up her talk in the kitchen and makes a dish that Dom likes. She wins the challenge, but there’s more left. The girls next challenge will be something horrifying and arousing all at the same time, so if you’re over 70, you should turn away from these photos.

You should go get your heart pills, grandpa.

The task is to see who can act like the most trifling hoe while cleaning a kitchen. The girls all gyrate and pour soap all over themselves, and as you can see, Talor tries to show her surgically perfected mommy/daddy button. The real surprise is who steals the show here – Kathleen, the self proclaimed virgin, acts like Elizabeth Berkley on a good day, and starts cleaning the table with her vagina. I don’t really understand how that’s effective, but maybe there’s a squeegee factor I’m missing here.

“Let’s go clean your car windshield after this!”

Kathleen wins the challenge and she freaks out like she just won prom queen. Kim, being her catty, charming self, asks Kathleen what she’s wearing and then passive aggressively tells her “it’s okaaaaayyy”. But in this instance, that dig was welcome. Doesn’t Kathleen kind of bother you? Example 1 – the date begins between Dom, Kathleen and Kim, and Kathleen is acting like a retard. She tells Dom that she’s nervous because, “I’m gonna be with kim…and I’m gonna be with the my objection, like my affection…objection to my affection.” Shouldn’t the foreigner stereotype be worse at English than the American girls he’s trying to have sex with?

Special

As everyone is relaxing over wine, Domenico asks if he can lie down with the both of them. They agree, but Kathleen is smelling blood and going in for the kill. For Kim, who always has to feel in control of a situation and flips the eff out when she’s not, it’s a little uncomfortable. Kathleen and Domenico are going at it hardcore, and she’s like a little person on a speck that no one can barely hear.

Horton hears a Hoe?

Meanwhile, during Domenico’s date with Kim and Kathleen, Ashley was leading the other girls in fraternity hazing rituals. Namely, getting obscenely drunk. Not that she necessarily needed to lead them. Most of these girls got casted because they’re lushes whose lives are spiraling out of control.

This steroid addiction storyline is gonna make you a star!

Back at Domenico’s date, he decides to strip down to some body colored manties, covered with some faux groin area shrubbery. Dom wants the girls to “paint our future together”, and he’s in his skivvies to “inspire” them. Both girls want to show him how much they care, so they take to the challenge seriously. Domenico, meanwhile, lies down to pose and reminds us all why we think some Italian men can be really skeezy.

“Hey, you lik-a pepperoni?”

Kathleen presents her painting to Bruno and I’m starting to think she’s the President Dubya’s long lost Bush twin. She says that “every painting has a story, and a picture is worth a hundred stories.” Dom, however, is more concerned with deflowering an American bambina, and after browsing over the painting for literally a second, they start going at it hardcore. Luckily, MTV has a sense of irony and shows us footage of Kathleen saying dom likes her for her “morals and values”, and then cuts to her being all up on his shit.

Ohhhh, I get it. She named each of her butt cheeks “morals” and “values”.

Kim was disgusted while all of this was happening, but she had to sit through and watch to get her time in. She kind of deserves it for being such a bitch. So, while we gloat, we can also make fun of what happens when she explains her painting to Dom. Basically, the painting really does a good job of reflecting her maturity level. It’s all the things an 11 year old spoiled brat would be interested in – primarily hearts, clouds, an angel and a castle.

Idiot savant? Nope, plain old Idiotic.

Back at the Bad Girls Club/Gawdy Awful House, the girls are running around like drunk maniacs, which is both sexy and terrifying. Talor, being all limbs and no body mass, manages to knock over a porcelain cherub onto the floor. It’s a little broken, but some of the girls try to put it back together. Then comes mean old Missy. She says that it’s elimination night and “it’s time for the cherub to go.” If something’s broken, she has to break it more. If it’s smashed, she has to smash it more. If it’s in crumbles, she has to in crumble it more. And she does.

“I’m the patron saint of this shit.”

The next morning General Lee comes into the girls’ room and tells them that Domenico needs to see them at the elimination room immediately. Missy has the guiltiest face on and it doesn’t look like there’s a way out of this one for her. Dom confronts the girls and wants to know who did it. He says that it was a gift from a friend of his, most likely Hal the prop guy. Nonetheless, he wants to make it clear he’s upset.

“I think I just sharted.”

No one is responding to Domenico’s inquiries on who committed the crime, until Ashley’s steroids tell her to call people out for their shit. She says that Talor hit it off accidentally, and Christina adds that Missy was the one who really went to town on it. Domenico sends all the girls upstairs except for Missy and she starts to cry. Naturally, Dom gets cozy with her to make her feel better, and ultimately forgives her.

“But seriously, you owe me a blow j now.”

After Dom and Missy (air quotes) reconcile, Rebecca reminices on how they completely stuffed their faces with food. She then bounds towards the doorbell, as a pizza mail arrives, and finds out that the challenge involves the ladies wearing their bikinis. Dom knows how guys can fight over a girl, but he wants the tables turned, and to see some weaves pulled out.

Essentially, the girls are going to have, as General Lee tells us, “a good old fashioned piller fight” (banjo medley in background). But first, they’ll all be given a dose of anorexia influence, which is basically putting these girls on a scale and making them admit their weight on TV. Actually, some of these girls are already growing hair on their bodies from lack of food, although in Ashley’s case, I think it might be something different.

“Uhhhh, I think my testicles just dropped.”

The first fight is in the alreadyannies weight class, or as General Lee calls it, the featherweight class. At 102 pounds we have the “boom boom Barbie”, Talor. I’m assuming that nickname means what she does to sugardaddys credit cards. At 114 pounds, Talor will be facing the “hazardous hottie Christina”. Assuming that nickname comes from the vd. Despite the weight advantage Talor wins the match by keeping her feet planted, and luckily for the 13 year old boys discovering themselves out there, it’s quite a fall.

Somewhere, a young man searches for his gym sock.

In the next bout it’s the 114 pound “Idaho Virgin” Kathleen (sounds kind of like a chaste potato) vs. the 122 pound “Vegas Vixen” Kim. Kim gets a hilariously unenthusiastic applause, but to her credit I thought she’d weight a lot less. That being said, the 114 pound virgin potato keeps beating the crud out of Kim’s already fragile mind, and pops her off the podium. Kim, never one to do anything with grace, decides she wants to drown Kim and nearly accomplishes the goal. Seriously, is that not like, breaking a law or something?

“Not if I smile/show my tits after I do it”

The 123 pound “Motor City Madame” Rebecca is up, but I like “Motor City Mad-asinbatshitinsane-ame”. She’s facing off against the 124 pound “Silent But Deadly” Megan and in lieu of the flatulence reference, she drops off the podium like a piece of shit after a couple of seconds. The 126 pound “Cupid Crusher” Missy is up aginst the 132 pound “Amazing Amazon” Ashley. The general’s lucky she didn’t kill him for calling her an Amazon. It must’ve distracted her, because she loses her balance and Missy beats her handily.

It’s kinda like Rocky and Ivan Drago, only dumber.

The 4 winners, Talor, Kathleen, Rebecca, and Missy all win a date with Domenico, but before it begins he informs the ladies that 3 girls will be going home tonight. The foursome move on, and the date Dom has in store is at the hottub. Dom jokes that he’s got a little butt, but that “something else is-a big.” He’s surely not talking about his pocketbook or his penis, so I’ll go with ability to speak Italian?

“Close. It’s a cookbook colleczione.”

After some hottub pimping, Domenico and the girls go for massages and some one on one time. Dom starts with Talor, who coos that even though she’s 22, she has the soul of a 40 year old. That, and the maturity level of a 12 year old, but for the purposes of this show (namely, for Domenico to get ass), I’m picking at straws.

Back with the pillow fight losers, Christina must have been digging into Ashley’s medicine cabinet, because she’s talking about strangling Talor. She says she wants to force Talor to eat meat, bacon in particular, and only the fat part. Add up Dom’s cheesiness and it does nicely sum up what’s going on between the two of them.

Ham and cheese.

Domenico then spends time with Kathleen who, per uge, jumps his bones. He then asks what we’ve all been asking – how can someone who is a virgin be all up on someone’s grill like this? She doesn’t really have an answer and is worried that she came on too strong. Well, the using your vagina as a swifter was kinda strong so yeah. After Kathleen, Dom is terrorized by Rebecca. She starts tickling him, he looks absolutely annoyed, and I have to say, how can you blame him?

“Time for you to get the hell off of me.”

Domenico next meets up with Missy in the hottub. They awkwardly ask each other how they’re doing and Missy admits that she’s still a little shaken. Dom knows that she’s trying to do everything she can to make it up for him, but does that include her trying to eat his face?

“Tastes like gnutella and cigarettes.”

Domenico visits with General Lee, his redneck brother from another mother and they start with Kathleen. Dom thinks that she’s got a look that says, “I’m gonna eat you,” while the General “liked that there little dance she did, yup.” They discuss Missy and how she’s been crying all day about the statue, to which the General replies “Bullshit.” And they close out their discussion with Talor, whom the General thinks I shot, but doesn’t “deepness with her.” I love these two guys – it’s like the Lincoln-Douglas debates…

…if Lincoln and Douglas were retarded on Viagra, cocaine, and mad dog 40/40.

As we enter elimination, we see that Ashley has reached the height of her steroid fueled insanity. She says that for sure the girls going home tonight are Talor, Kim, and Kathleen, the three girls who all had quality time with Domenico.

It’s not just your testes that shrink – your brain does too.

The elimination gets down to the final four, and it’s Christina, Rebecca, Missy, and Ashley. Rebecca says she would be quadruple, quadruple, quadruple devastated. Aren’t special ed students so cute when they try math? Domenico ends up going with Christina, and while Rebecca and Missy take it well, Ashley gets into run away before you kill somebody mode and gets out without saying “I have nothing to say to you,” to Bruno.

Yeah, that was kind of the problem, idiot.

After a few minutes, however, we find out that Ashley does have something to say to Talor and the rest of the girls. She comes back pounding on the door asking them to open it. The girls skulk out to the balcony, which, under the red light, makes the place look like a whorehouse in Amsterdam. Living up to the analogy, Talor decides to hock a little loogie down towards Ashley. Ashley, of course, goes into roid rage and nearly blows a fuse, since she has no one down there to hold her back.

“I would go up there and break you if these invisible people weren’t holding me back.”

After tossing some rocks, she runs away for fear of not getting her realty show stipend, and that wraps things up for the week. Next week, we’ll see if we find any more holiest of holy patron saints, and if Kathleen’s vagina has other uses besides cleaning tabletops and not fucking. Until then, Gasmii!