That’s Amore!: Yager-Bombed

Hey there THAT’S AMORE! lovers. Can you believe it’s only week 4 and we’re already down to 5 girls?! We’ve got two brunettes and three blondes left, so Domenico has done a nice job giving himself some variety. In fact, tensions were so high between the blondes and brunettes that at one point, a challenge had to be created seperating each into teams. Christina became a casualty of war during that challenge for nearly slicing open her shocker finger with a cheese grater. Ever since then she’s been ready to pop off Tanisha-style, and Kathleen, prayers unanswered by Jesus, looks to be her first victim.

Consider it God’s revenge for using your vagina as a handiwipe last week.

We start this saga with Talor and Kathleen discussing why Christina doesn’t like them. Kathleen thinks it’s because Talor has big boobs and is skinny, but after we meet Christina’s mom (more on that later), I think it might have to do with the fact that comparatively, Talor’s family seems pretty well grounded. Christina, not one to stand idly while people psycho analyze her, confronts Kathleen and Talor for their shit-talkery and sets the stage for the craziness to come. Seriously though, you’ll find out that Christina’s mom is batshit insane and I don’t blame her for having a chip on her shoulder. Wouldn’t you if your mom was a washed up Myrtle Beach bartender.

Who says drinking, smoking and heroin are bad while pregnant? Look at this winner!

After the tensions cool a bit, all the girls except Megan head out to Ashley’s trailer. The General asks where Ashley is and whether or not she’s “taking a shit”, solidifying his place as one of the most charming rednecks in MTV’s history.

Sorry, buddy but you were always kinda lame.

The girls actually take advantage of this opportunity to increasingly talk shit about Megan, and it eggs AShley on to admit that he “[doesn't] even know if she has a personality.” The girls also use the opportunity to pick on Kathleen, with Kim saying something about religion and Kathleen responding by saying that she “used to be into religion, but I’m trying to get out of that.” Yeah,that shit is totally over. On a side note, don’t you guys feel bad for General Lee? Won’t Domenico throw him a bone? On the other hand, maybe he’s got Rebecca chained in the back living off of Cheetos and Diet Dr. Pepper.

“Dem natr’l male enhancer pills ought be kickin’ in aaaaany second naw…….aaaaany second….”

Pizza mail comes later in the day, and Domenico’s note tells the girls to get dressed up and meet in the foyer. When the girls meet him, he said he thought about having a nice quiet dinner, but then thought that no, they should do something crazier. Little did he know he would soon meet the nastiest cougar this side of Susan Lucci – Christina’s white trash mommy (w.t. mommy from now on). But it’s not just Christina’s embarrassing family that we get to meet – all the girls’ relatives will be coming in to be disappointed/give their small town co-workers something to talk about.

Wait till Stu at the plant hears about this!

Considering I’m not really amusing unless I’m making fun of someone, let’s run down the list to see who these simpletons are.

Kathleen’s dad thinks Dom doesn’t understand english, and while good-intentioned. He seems to have a case of the dumbass and might be a chubby chaser.

Megan’s mom and uncle are pretty much as boring as she is. Seriously. So boring I don’t even know what to say about them except that Megan’s uncle looks like a trimmed down version of the dad from Just the Ten of Us. But that’s all.

Christina’s mom and godmother I’ve already discussed at length. Suffice to say, the first thing they do and continue doing throughout their terrible stay there, is to continue shouting “Yeager Bomb! Yager Bomb! Yeager Bomb!” to the point where the show starts to keep a counter. Domenico says they’re “fun and a little fucked up too” which is about right minus the fun.

Talor’s mom belongs on Real Housewives of Orange County, and her stepdad is a born douchebag, but charms me when he says he thinks the heart shaped bed room is “cool.”

Kim’s parents look Canadian Wal-Mart employees, and act like it too. In other words, they’re really nice. So how did they create that little hellspawn? Did Kim’s mom get roofied by Satan or, even worse, Donald Trump?

The family’s take a look at their digs and realize they all have to sleep together. Which is great, since that means everyone will get to hear Christina’s mom puke into her purse in the middle of the night. After taking a look at their quarters, Domenico takes everyone downstairs to dinner, where tables are set up with all the families, and he gets ready to hop from group to group. As everyone arrives, The General is standing there in a tuxedo shirt with the sleeves cut off. Smelling cougar blood, he goes right to Christina’s mom and godmother and asks if they are single – they say they are, and the man has a twinkle in his eye we haven’t seen all season.

“Better than my five-fingered-lady.”

He goes to Kathleen’s table first, and her dad starts acting like a strange bum who doesn’t want money, he just wants to tell you a story. A depressing story about how he lost everything and needs money. Seriously, he waxes poetic about how everyone has two hands, two feet, blah blah blah, and Kathleen is looking increasingly embarrassed and uncomfortable. But listening to her weirdo dad, I can understand the sentiment. As a matter of fact, haven’t I seen her dad outside Letterman on 53rd and broadway before, wearing a radio around his neck?

The Papa and the pauper

During this entire time, Christina and her wicked stepmothers have been talking shit about everyone there. Christina thinks she’s the coolest bitch there and her crazy mother asks, “Where do you think you got that from?” Couldn’t have been from her though, since turning tricks doesn’t work during school hours.

“Johns want this shit 24/7″

Talor’s family actually seems pretty blase and normal. Domenico mentions how she makes him laugh and she has a cartoon face. Instead of rolling with the punches, she’s playing the insecure pretty girl and acts hurt by it. Her stepdad, on the other hand, despite being a complete dork, is an alright guy and amused by Domenico. Her mom doesn’t seem to speak english, I don’t think, either that or she’s mute. Maybe the stepdad keeps her in check – that Hitler moustache is pretty intimidating.

“You remind me of my friend Benito…”

Domenico next hangs out with Kim’s family, and her dad gets all serious about how important his daughter is to him. He starts to get tears in his eyes as does his daughter, who appreciates the show of love from her father. To Domenico, he sees this side of Kim and her family and it changes his mind about her. Her father and mother, meanwhile give Domenico some hugs and he moves on to Megan.

Domenico comes over assuming Megan’s uncle is her father, and her mother corrects him that Megan’s father died and this is her uncle. I feel bad for any family that loses someone like that, but it’s no excuse for your undeniable blandness. Domenico thinks that she’s simply not putting herself out there enough, and he tells her this at dinner. Still after meeting Megan’s family, it’s gotta be genetic.

“Hahahahahahahhaha…well isn’t this painfully boring.”

Domenico gets to Christina and her Wino mother who, after 4 bottles of wine, is looking like Ileanna Douglas became a lipstick lesbian from South Philly. Dom admits to the ladies that they all scare the shit out of him, and frankly, who can blame him. They’ve literally knocked down 4 bottles of Dom’s tastes-like-ass wine, and are totally starting to slur their speech.

“I dyked out at a 76′ers game the other night.”

After meeting with everyone, Domenico asks if everyone is ready for dessert – that being a ridiculous contest involving cannolis. Basically, the first family to fill up a bucket with creme sucked out of a cannoli and spit into the bucket, wins. No one is happy about this competition except for Christina’s mom, who makes a nonsensical comment once more about yagerbombs (how can anyone not despise this woman?) and then pukes and rallys off camera.

“Hooray, fate has finally given our sluticity skills a purpose!”

John, Talor’s stepdad, admits the obvious and says that he’s “reached a new low,” while Kathleen’s dad begs to just “sit this one out.” That being said, everyone participates (reluctantly), alienating any future chances at legitimate employment. Of course, the three with the unfair advantage of life experience, Christina and her family, win the prize. The most hilarious part about it is that after doing something so ridiculous, everyone looks like they just had sex for money or something equally shameful.

Whores.

Because they won the challenge, Christina and her family get to go upstairs to Domenico’s bar mitzvah lounge. The big love connection during this alone time however, is surprising. Instead of Domenico and Christina hooking up, Ashley and Christina’s mom get down. I guess seeing “little buddy” get some much tail can drive a man to desperate measures.

Say it ain’t so, Ashley!

During the party Christina’s family seems to be getting drunker and drunker, and as everyone comes upstairs they notice. Kathleen’s dad very politely says, “I think they have a drinking problem, that’s what it is.” He sure is insightful for a town idiot, isn’t he? That being said, Talor’s dad also thinks the ladies had a bottle of yager between them before anyone even got upstairs, and I tend to believe him. Finally, you know these ladies are terrible when they make Kim sound reasonable and likable, but this quote really does sum up what I want to say to these ladies nicely:

“Christina’s mom and godmotehr are the craziest people i’ve ever met in my life. Get a fucking life and grow up. you’re not 22 anymore, you’re 60…well you look like you’re 60.”

Don’t you dare make us agree with you on something!

As the night moves forward, Christina’s mother feels like starting shit and talks about Talor within earshot of her. Talor comes over to see what’s up and Christina’s mom makes fun of her toenails. Right where it hurts the skinny bitch, way to go you crazy old whore! Anyways, she’s blackout drunk and starts telling Talor that she better not have touchedher. It escalates to the point where it’s near a fight and Domenico has to intervene, saying “This is my f’ing house,” even though everyone knows he lives at the Days Inn on Sunset when filming isn’t going on/he’s looking for love.

Raging Bullshitter

Talor’s really upset about the confrontation and goes off to a different room to cool down with Dom and her parents. Meanwhile, the other room is like an odd storytime, with everyone calmly listening and christina talking shit about Kathleen, saying she’s full of it because she says she’s a virgin and acts like a hoe. Kathleen, who’s clearly embarrassed of that accusation in front of her proud and naiive papa, flips her shit. Christina is drunk and calling Kathleen out for being the only girl in the house who has shown her chooch. Kathleen, who’s in front of her innocent parents, flips out and says that she’ll choke a bitch for such words, but christina just keeps pushing Kathleen to the point of no return.

If MTV really wanted to be relevant again, they wouldn’t have broken this fight up cause it was f’ing sweet!

Actually, the flight lasted long enough as you can see both girls are pretty roughed up. Christina, however, shows the humor in violence, as, while getting the blood wiped off her face by her godmother, she stares at the camera says, “I got punched by the virgin!’

You deserved it.

After Christina’s showing of drunken craziness, Domenico is having some second thoughts about her. He consults with Ashley, who admits that he actually feels sorry for her because, “her mom’s cukoo.” Domenico asks her to leave for reasons of public safety, which is for once, the actual realit on a reality show. Christina gets all dramatic and says that it’s not fair, but Dom thought she caused too much trouble. She’s kind of acting like she found out she didn’t make the cheerleading team, which is probably a simliar emotion to the one she’s actually experiencing.

“Now I’ll never be a video vixen.”

Domenico apologizes to everyone, as they get ready for bed, and Kathleen’s parents are kind of adorable. They both talk at the same time about how he’s not responsible for the actions of other people, but it’s so quaint it seems like somthing out of a Christopher Guest movie. Anyways, everyone goes to sleep and Domenico comes by the next morning to find Megan crying and upset. Her mom wants to take her home. Domenico pleads with her to stay, however, and she gives her mom an “eff you” look and agrees to keep trying. It means a lot to Domenico that she went against her mother, but then again, that might be what her motivation is in the first place.

Domenico asks everyone to come to a nice breakfast, and explains to everyone that he is looking for serious love. Kim, for some reason, has a breakdown and says that she never dates anyone, so that this is about as long as the time she spends with the guys she meets. That Emperor’s club schedule can keep a girl busy – lots of clients. Nonetheless, Bobbie and Ken, Kim’s parents, think Domenico is important because he clearly touched a part of her heart. The truth is, she’s crying because she feels sorry for herself, not because of this chump.

You live in Vegas, you’re a “VIP hostess”, and your tits are fake – I don’t know how you haven’t found a guy to commit.

Domenico then asks Kathleen if she’s ever been in love, to which she admits she hasn’t. She’s looking for the person to spend the rest of her life with, while Bruno is looking for someone to spend all of about 2 minutes with. Domenico also asks Megan if she’s ever been in love, but she says she’s only said I love you to guy friends. Domenico does some psychoanalyzing about her father’s life, but seriously homeboy you’re out of your league.

Hopefully for Domenico, she’s still stuck in Freud’s oral stage.

After breakfast we see Talor act unresonably upset because Domenico didn’t ask her questions during dinner. Seriously, for a girl this good looking she’s got a lot of insecurities. Guys looking for a good situation take notice!

Must be willing to deal with mood swings, unreasonable crying, rock hard jugs.

In the painting room Ashley and Dom discuss the ladies. Ashley has pretty positive things to say about everyone except for Megan. Megan, he thinks is a wallflower and while pretty, an all around wet blanket. Domenico also thinks that Kathleen has acted differently around her parents, and Ashley agrees saying she’s been a little bit “off.”

Maybe it’s the fact that she takes her hair off to brush it?

Both Ashley and Domenico agree that Kim has improved in their eyes becuase of her family and that Talor is really hot and sweet. Nonetheless, after some dramatic b.s.’ing about seeing the connection between the ladies and the families, Domenico announces at the elimination room that the winners will be going to Italy with him to meet his family. He asks each family to provide a reason why he should pick their daughters and Kathleen’s dad starts first. He sounds like a nail gun accident victim, as he says, “you would impress your father (long pause), your mother (long pause), your grandfather (long pause), your grandmother (long pause) with her high moral standards.”

Well, that and her swiss army knife of a vagina.

The rest of the people say pretty expected things, but Talor and Kim start to cry while their mothers talk about them, while small metal tink sounds come out of Megan’s head as she blinks. Nonetheless, Kim and Talor are the first to get flags, and while you can see on her face that Megan is hoping to be sent home, Domenico pulls out a this episode was a waste of time card out of his pocket and slaps it on the table. The only thing that accomplishd is that some perfectly good red state lower middle income families were totally embarrassed on TV. Sorry for being bougie, but they totally deserve it.

The rotary club will not be pleased

Next week, we’ll travel to Domenico’s home in Italia to see what happens when Italians start being polite and stop being real. Until then, gasmii!