Damaged! Your Hair is Damaged!

The albums are finally finished! Danity Kane’s came out Wednesday (March 18) and Day26′s is out Tuesday (March 25). As for Brillo…Brillo who? No word on what’s up with him. But as they say in show business, no news is bad news. I’ll start planning his career funeral right now.

Let’s all celebrate by doing “The Sprinkler”All that remains is the photoshoot for the album cover. The boys are up first, and Robert tells us that he loves it because he’s “bringing sexy back.” Uh, no, Robert. You’re confusing yourself with Willie. All you’re bringing back is bitchassness. The shots actually look pretty great. And they managed to even not appear bored and unmotivated at all during the shoot. There must have been a free buffet on the set or something because we know that’s all that can get these guys moving in the morning.

That night, they all head over to a club in Fort Lauderdale where the boys (sans Brillo) are making guest appearance to perform “Exclusive.” God knows that we haven’t heard that song enough times!

Well, the song is kind of, uh…how do I put it? Hmm…oh yeah, A HOT MESS. It starts off strong but goes a little haywire as the boys get a little too confident and start diving off-stage and into the audience. D. Woods explains to us that when the crowd is above the stage, they can’t see the performers when they jump down. It’s a simple law of physics. Or of eyesight. Nobody was on stage at all, and there were random voices coming from different directions, but no one could tell where they were. It was like a larger, less fun game of Where’s Waldo.

Or, like they say in Canada, Où Est Charlie?

After they perform, they hang around on stage and keep yelling random things over and over like “Yo ladies!” and “Bad boy!” No one understands why they are lingering because they aren’t going to sing another song. It’s just really awkward. But instead of exiting, they decide to introduce themselves. It goes like this:

“We’re………………..going………………to take some time………….to introduce ourselves…………………..introduce yourself!…………….whattup ladies?!…………………….this is your boy Brian……………..yeah………………….hey……………………”

And on and on like that. Just random thoughts punctuated by pregnant pauses. It feels like torture. I don’t know if they are just really stretching out their 15 minutes of fame and basking in the limelight, or if they just truly don’t have a clue. The people in club are getting antsy because they want the music back on. I’m SO relieved for them that Diddy isn’t there. They’d be toast.

The girls are going nuts in the balcony because they feel so embarrassed and confused for the guys. And it’s weird because this random guy keeps lingering behind Dawn and Aundrea, but they don’t acknowledge him. He follows them around and stays in all the frames.

The art of eavesdropping is to never make it look THIS obvious.

And then, THEN, just when we thought it couldn’t get ANY worse. Day26 does a random a cappella Boyz II Men cover. Hello 1994! I feel like I’m at a junior high dance all over again! But the guys, who are apparently THE most self-unaware people ever, think they killed it.

Just when I thought I was about to die of embarrassment for them — I was literally hanging onto life by a mere thread — we are saved by a commercial break followed by a “Breaking News” segment.

Diddy is still wearing his “No Bitchassness” t-shirt from last week. He plugs both albums again and says that they help keep bitchassness away. I am noticing a theme with these segments: They always revolve around the word “bitchassness,” which I can appreciate.

The next day, everyone is lunching and Dawn is drinking the most heavenly drink I have ever set eyes upon. It is some sort of icey alcoholic beverage, but it is topped with whipped cream. Alcohol AND whipped cream! I wish I could reach into my tv set and steal it.

Brian asks Danity Kane how they liked the performance, and their question is met with a very loooong pause. They all look at each other, and finally D steps it up and breaks the silence. She starts out with a compliment to soften the blow, “You all had good energy…” But then she gets to the point: They couldn’t even see them. After that ball starts rolling, Shannon picks it up and says that the introductions dragged on for way too long. Dawn says they should only say their names instead of all these weird “hey ladies” stuff.

Orangebrey uses the delicate art of sign language to describe the boys’ performance.

Bitchassness Robert tells us that they’ll work it out, and it wasn’t the worst show in the world. I beg to differ. Okay, Robert bugs me! There, I said it! And I still say it from a place of love. I don’t hate the man. But he really makes me bonkers. He’s so full of himself. And he complains too much. And he can’t seem to take direction. I was trying SO hard to stay impartial and not take sides in the whole Robert/Brian fiasco, but I can’t stay silent any longer. Phew! It’s good to get that off my chest.

Moving on, the girls are getting made up for the MTV promo shoot. It’s really strange because there are NO stylists on set, and the girls are allowed to control their own appearance. Basically, they go NUTS. Bigger is better, and they all want lots of hair and lots of make-up. They look like they are all about to tip over face first because there is so much junk piled on their faces and heads. Aundrea’s hair is so big that she looks like Cher circa 1987: The “Moonstruck” years.

When Aundrea is done with this piece, Chris March needs it for a new blazer.

And the photographer, apparently, doesn’t seem to notice how bad their heads look because he is only focusing on their boobs. “I think I got your breasts,” he tells Aundrea. Uh, thanks? As delusional as the boys, they think it all looks great.

After seeing the pictures, Diddy decides he needs to sit down and talk with them about their image. He starts with Shannon. He hates the red hair. Honestly, I’m surprised she was even allowed to do something that drastic without his permission. “I think it makes you look hard. It puts age on you.” She fakes a nervous laugh.

Does anyone else feel like Shannon is hanging onto her sanity by a piece of dental floss?

Here are the rest of Diddy’s notes:

To Aundrea: “You look pleasantly plump here.”

To Everone: “Your hair; it’s just overly glamorous. It’s a lot of hair. A lot of fake hair. A lot of fake eyelashes. A lot of make-up. We’ll get to you with that in a second Aubrey.”

To D. Woods: He likes the direction she’s going in, but he likes the shape of her hair better when he’s covering the long part up with his hand.

To Dawn: No real notes here. But she can look more beautiful. And she needs to make sure that she keeps moving toward the beautiful direction instead of the “other” direction. (RE: The FUGLY direction.)

To Orangebrey: Needs the most drastic help. She is supposed to look like hometown girl, but instead just looks fake. “I didn’t even know they sold this much hair.”

And Aubrey has been looking to much like Floyd Pepper from the Muppets’ Electric Mayhem band.

Now if only Brillo looked a little more like Dr. Teeth…we’d have a match!

The girls retreat back to their room where Orangebrey puts on even more make-up. Dawn asks what she is supposed to do, and Aubrey says, “Be happy with who you are and put a perm on it.” It’s true; Diddy’s notes for Dawn didn’t really make any sense.

It’s the last night in Miami, and the girls and guys decide to throw a big siesta-themed party. Aundrea is making chicken tacos and watching her boiling chicken alone in the kitchen is really funny for some reason. It’s like that section of US Magazine “Celebrities: They’re just like us!” And they have pictures of celebs walking their dog, drinking coffee or boiling chicken.

Orangebrey’s responsibility for the siesta is to be the bartender. Surprise, surprise. She sets up a little blender stand on the side of the kitchen and starts tossing in liquids haphazardly. It’s seriously like that episode of “Roseanne” where Becky and her study partner make tornados. Brillo asks, “What is this flavor?” To which Orangebrey replies, “It’s mango and a little bit of somethin’ else…A little bit of Aubrey juice.” Aubrey juice: Tastes like tuna! Something that the Brillster is very familiar with, I’m sure…

While they’re busy eating, a mariachi band comes enters and plays some sweet jams. Everyone is pretty crunk at this point and dancing around. Dawn has a sparkler, and I am just praying that she doesn’t drunkenly burn the house down. They put on sombreros and sing along. No really. They sing “Tequila.” Too bad none of them are wearing white platform shoes. I’d LOVE to see the toe dance right about now.

Authentic traditional Mexican dance

Orangebrey finds her “little muff,” Aundrea, and they do a lovely, sloppy slow dance. It’s so spectacular that Brillo must document it and takes out his yellow, disposable Kodak one-time-use Fun-Saver camera. Apparently, the royalties from his music haven’t paid off quite yet.

The following day, the gang goes back to New York and starts working on their showcase to promote their new albums. Both bands will be performing in front of the best in the music biz to show off their talent. The girls’ rehearsal goes great. They are spot on their dance moves and the singing is perfect.

But, predictably, things are not so smooth for the boys. There is a lot of pressure on them to make up for their huge blunder at the Fort Lauderdale club, and they are just not getting it together. Their dancing is so sloppy that it doesn’t even look choreographed. Orangebrey and Aundrea’s drunken tango was better than this!

Q and Mike keep looking at each other while dancing and smiling, so they almost look like they are making fun of the moves instead of committing to them. The instructor tells them to take it more seriously and make it sharper instead of flailing. They just look clueless. And the instructor just seems mortified because the boys are so unprepared and can’t take direction.

That’s right, Flii. It’s time to pray to the dancing gods.

The boys get a new choreographer named Flii, and they gather in a rehearsal room to work on their steps. Flii tells them to be focused and hammer it out because there is no time. Flii tells Robert to do something, and Robert snaps, “I can’t do that, remember?” “Yeah you can!” Flii says. Oh Robert. A pentacle of positivity. What a bitchass. In fact, he pretty much bitches through the whole thing. The choreography is a lot of stomping around and snapping, which I initially didn’t care for, but I came around. Flii definitely has his work cut out for him, but it comes together.

This is what Diddy looks like in flii vision.

Meanwhile, at the salon, Danity Kane is preparing for their make-overs. All of them are freaking out about the possibility that they might be asked to cut their hair. I guess that none of them realize that, scientifically speaking, hair grows back.

Seeing this episode, it’s very obvious that a lot of Orangebrey’s testimonials from last week were her post-makeover. Remember how she looked more platinum at times? Screwy editing again, MTV! We shake an angry fist at you!

Anyway, poor Felix. He’s the head stylist. And he has to talk with each girl about how he doesn’t plan to make their hair longer. They all want to be Lady Godiva, and it just ain’t gon’ happen.

But there is a bigger problem going on. Shannon’s hair is literally falling off. You can’t normally take someone to platinum in one try. It’s something that requires a few sessions, gradually stepping down the color. But Diddy wants what he wants, so these poor stylists – against their better judgment – are trying to meet the request. The best they can do, without making her hair so damaged that it breaks off in chunks, is to make her strawberry blonde. Or, as Aundrea calls it, “pinky orange.” Shannon doesn’t really seem to mind. If this were “America’s Next Top Model,” she’d be throwing a FIT.

Shannon’s hair looks like tripe here. As in, cow intestines. Sorry.

After the break, Diddy has another special report with some great news! Bitchassness is down 15%! That’s amazing! It seems like Robert’s bitchassness is rising, so that means that to off-set his increase, a lot of other bitchasses must be calming down. Also, everyone can now buy the “No Bitchassness” t-shirt at the Sean John store in New York. If anyone buys this, please, please let me know!!!

It turns out that Felix is only going to be able to lighten the hair around Shannon’s face, so he’ll have to do the rest with blonde extensions. She is a really good sport about it though. Dawn, in shower cap, quips, “I look so attractive now that it’s not even funny.” Hillarious! I like Dawn a little bit more now just because of that! I totally had to sit in one of those hose-caps before when a hairdresser was trying to strip color out of my hair after my friend Ben dyed it from a box. I looked like a monster.

This is a brainwashing device, championed by Diddy.

All the girls look a million times better after the make-over process. Shannon has cute, full bangs, Orangebrey actually no longer has a bee-hive, and D’s hair – although still a bit asymmetical–is SO much better! They finally cut off that raccoon tail! I wonder what they did with it? I hope someone got to keep it as a souvenir.

This is the way I used to prefer looking at her old hair.

Diddy comes in and — GASP — he likes it! Everyone can finally breathe again! You can tell that Shannon is ecstatic because if he hated it, there’s not much more processing her hair could take before going on strike and migrating to the floor in a big pile.

Orangebrey even makes a personal breakthrough. She finally admits that Diddy was right and that the extensions and the lashes needed to go. Thank you! Whenever I see enormous fake lashes, I am always instantly reminded of drag queens.

After the make-over, the girls go shoot their album cover. They basically all take turns wearing the same tiny sweater in front of a red wall. All the poses involve them tugging on the sweater to keep their cooters covered. Next they all twirl around in the same black dress as a fan blows dramatically. And finally, they all wear white and lie together looking sultry. This shot becomes the cover.

The ceremonial sacrifice of Aundrea’s body to the pagan gods of music.

Later on, lots of important people are filing in for Diddy’s band showcase. (Minus Brillo of course because he….he died.) The building is packed, and Diddy is sitting ominously in the center.

Day26 is up first, and they come out and start singing and stomping around. But pretty early on, it’s obvious that something is going on with the sound. The microphones are producing a lot of feedback and static. The boys just stick with the program and keep going. Diddy is wildly flailing about, motioning them to do…something. If I were to interpret his actions, I’d either think he was playing an insane game of Paper/Rock/Scissors or was telling them to plug something in. His motions are indecipherable, and I doubt the guys can even see him with all the lights in their faces.

After crazy sign language, Diddy finally makes his way toward the stage to intervene. He jumps up on the platform and says that they are going to take a brief intermission to fix the technical glitches. He says that the group is important to him, and he wants people to see them the right way. I’m really glad that he stepped in and saved them. They were being thrown to the wolves out there.

“Fuck it! I’ll just perform it for you!”

The guys go backstage to get themselves together and get new mics. Brian thinks Diddy is proud of them because they didn’t stop and had just learned new choreography.

The second take is MUCH better. Both the guys (with “Got Me Going”) and girls (with “Damaged”) totally kill, and the audience just eats it up. Even Diddy stands up and dances and gives them a standing ovation. The crowd particularly loves it when the girls make a line and do a little dancing worm thing. I don’t know if this show is brainwashing me or what, but I really loved both songs and performances. I caught myself dancing in my chair while watching it. I am proud of our heroes and heroines! We’ve come so far with them!

You know who else loved it? THIS GUY.

Diddy says that he’s really proud of them all, especially Day26 because they didn’t falter under pressure.

The two that I found most fun to watch while performing were Mike and Dawn. What did you guys think?

The season finale is this Sunday, guys! It’s going to be two-hours long, and the group will answer all your questions. You can click here to submit a question. Diddy is apparently going to make a HUGE announcement this Sunday. What do you all think it is? I wonder if he’s going to make another band?

I just can’t believe that the finale is already upon us. I think I’m going to have post-partum depression when all this is over. It went by so flippin’ fast!

All right, see you Sunday. Be there, or be bitchass!