Greetings Gasmii, how I have missed thee. Burning Man was an amazingly good time, full of dust and art and fire and fun that resulted in me coming back a few braincells shorter than I left. Hopefully it doesn’t affect my acerbic wit. I know you’ve all been waiting with bated breath to rip these idiot tools apart, so without any further ado, I bring you the season premiere of Tool Academy 2.
Bigger, stronger, douchier
So this year instead of Mr. Awesome or whatever the pretend contest was last year, they’ve told our tools that they’re competing for the title of Ultimate Party King. Note to everyone in the world: If anyone asks you to be on a reality show you’ve never heard of, it’s probably a trap. There’s never, in the history of reality television that I’m aware of, been a contest to see what guy is the most awesome. Also, there are not that many documentaries about addiction. Your family is about to have on intervention on your ass. Make sure you read that contract really really well before you start letting people with cameras follow your ass around.
Anyway, back to the douche-nozzles. So our rag-tag bunch of twelve colorful tools think that they’re Ultimate Party King title will also come with a sponsorship deal where they’ll promote this lovely energy drink.
Caution: If you don’t already have ovaries, holding this drink in your hand will cause your body to spontaneously form them
So they tools get off the bus in Vegas and basically jump around like idiots while promoting how incredibly awesome they are. I’m pretty sure that this whole scene would be way better if I switched out the audio with some Discovery Channel monkey fight shit, but I’m too lazy to find out for sure. J Daddy, who I refuse to refer to by his ridiculous moniker ever again says, “It’s literally like my mother spewed out gold out of her vagina.” Okay toolbag, first of all, we officially start keeping score on douchebag quotient right now, and your misuse of the word ‘literally’ has earned you one point (I’ll be scoring the stupid things these boys do for 90 minutes tonight, so we have to keep the values low). Second, don’t ever Ever mention your own mother’s vagina. That’s not even adding douche points. That’s just fucking creepy.
We get introduced to our fake host for the season, lest the boys recognize the real host before they’ve had a chance to embarrass themselves sufficiently on national television. The tools are told that they have to do a sexy photo shoot with a bunch of hot models, and then strut their stuff on the runway for a bunch of hot Vegas skanks who will determine the ultimate winner.
A jury of impartial strippers…
Oh, but there’s a wicked twist. Vh1 is sneaking their girlfriends in to watch the entire competition through a two-way mirror. Vh1 is very edgy. I don’t care what those popular kids over at MTV say…
Alpha John opens his mouth to spew some crap about liking money, because you know how liking money is such a rare and interesting attribute, but I can’t even focus on the few small words he’s saying because his voice is freaking me the fuck out! He literally (notice I use that word to imply something is literal. Please take notes tools) sounds like that guy who is in witness protection but being interviewed on 20/20 and they put that voice changing device on everything he says so the mob can’t recognize him and make him go sleep with the fishies. It’s so weird.
Yous guys will blur my face out latah, right?
Josh, our Kate Gosselin look-a-like has a girlfriend named Jamie who does his hair for him. Really, Jamie? That’s your fault? If I were keeping score on the ladies you would have just earned some major D.Q. points. Jamie looks a lot like Tiffany Amber Thiessen’s less attractive little sister, and she seems like kind of a bitch. These two are actually pretty perfect for each other. Just please refrain from procreating please. Oh, and Josh gets a point each for the nautical stars on his shoulders. Way to think outside the box on your tattoos there, asshat.
You know ALL their kids’ names would start with a ‘J’
Andre’s girlfriend Leah is boring and not yet worthy of a comment. Domestic Battery Dan has a girl named Shannon, who is already crying in the pre-interview. I’m thinking she’ll be good for at least one complete breakdown an episode. Alpha John’s girlfriend is Sarah, and she calls him an alpha male right off the bat, so who nailed that one in the preview? Yep, that’s right, I did. Terry’s girlfriend is boring, Other John, who I guess we’ll refer to as Beta John, is 31 years old and still hangs out at his old frat house. His girl seems to radiate the least aura of stupidity so far, but we’ll see what happens later. Frank, the guyliner tool, has a girlfriend who tells us that he cheats on her all the time and doesn’t respect her. Hey Christina, you know what would work way better than a reality show? Getting a boyfriend that doesn’t cheat on you. What the hell is wrong with you bitches? There are more girlfriends talking, but it’s all pretty boring, and I have another recap to do after that, so we’re gonna just skip through them.
Stew manages to rack up two more points for this awesome piece of body art:
Yeah baby, I’ve got two guns pointed at my junk
Seriously guys, what’s with the guns pointing at your shmackle? As a psychology student I’m just gonna assume that it’s a subconscious plea to blow your penis off because deep down you’ve always wanted to be a woman and your mother didn’t hold you enough when you were a baby.
Charm earns three points for coming out to his photo shoot butt-naked and hugging some poor model who certainly suffers from post-traumatic stress now. Okay, I know I’m a lesbian, so if some of the straight female Gasmii want to correct me then feel free, but through years and years of social interaction I’ve come to the conclusion that women do not care what your penis looks like unless there’s something wrong with it. Maybe .01% of girls are actually turned on by the sight of your johnson. Girls may care about the size, and they definitely care how you use it, but looking at it mostly makes girls wanna giggle and point. Penises are fucking weird looking, as are testicles. I’m not saying vaginas aren’t weird looking, but they’re a little more hidden away and don’t do that gross bouncy things when you run. Point being, put the dick away. You know who gets turned on staring at dick? Gay men (once again, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong here homo-Gasmii). If you’re gonna run around with your dick out you will only be impressing members of your own gender. And even then, only if it’s a really impressive dick.
Okay, end tangent, back to recapping. The boys finish their photo shoots and strut their stuff on the runway while their girlfriends talk shit about them from behind the two-way mirror. Alpha John earns a D.Q. point for smashing a full unopened energy drink with his head, but other than that it’s fairly uneventful. Fake host guy lines the guys up afterwards to ‘announce the winner’ and breaks it to these fine specimens of manhood that they are, in fact, on Tool Academy.
They all take the news very gracefully
Andre uses the word “Pisstivity,” which your comments warned me about, and I think it’s awesome. No D.Q. points for that. The girlfriends come out and Alpha John takes off to go break some furniture and club some sabretooth tigers and discover fire. Five points for throwing a temper tantrum, dude.
Maybe I should call those guys that want to do a documentary about my steroid addiction… That couldn’t possibly be another fake-out
Alpha John makes his way back in and we get to hear the rules explained all over again. I’m not typing them out. Please see last year’s Tool Academy recaps if you need it spelled out for you. They load the boys onto a prison bus and make the seven hour drive to wherever the fuck they film Tool Academy. Josh is wearing an Affliction shirt, so two points for him. Beta John has on a Sinnister hat, over a bandana, so that’s three points right there.
The tools arrive at the academy, are sent to their barracks, and go to sleep to dream of a life where they won’t someday get recognized in the supermarket as that one tool from the television show. Except for Alpha John, who I think dreams of chasing rabbits.
The next morning the tools wake up and get ready to face their day. There are more styling products in the Tool barracks than there are in the hair-care section at JCPenny’s. I guess it takes a lot of work to look that incredibly stupid. Josh is flat-ironing his hair in an Ed Hardy t-shirt, and due to the transitive property of douchebaggery, that earns him a whopping ten points. Guy-liner helps out his extremely manly image by holding his hand like this while giving his interview:
“… And then Brenda was all like, ‘oh no you didn’t’ and I was all like, ‘bitch, please’”
It’s therapy time! Also known as girls crying and boys pretending they’re sorry time. Much like last season, they have taped interviews of the guys macho-ing it up for the Ultimate Party King title. Andre is up first, and digs himself into a massive hole by basically saying he cheats on his girl because her butt isn’t big enough and she doesn’t pleasure him the way he likes. I think that means she doesn’t do anal or something… He’s very vague about what kind of pleasure he’s missing out on.
The face of a man who has resigned himself to his fate as a eunich
Oh, and Leah has her own name tattooed on her arm. As dumb as it is to tattoo someone else’s name on your body, it’s twice as dumb to tattoo your own. Is that in case you forget? Is that in case Andre forgets? What’s the purpose??????
Domestic Dan is up next. He says that he doesn’t really have a girlfriend, but has a bitch named Shannon he calls when his dick is ready to explode. Domestic Dan should write cards for Hallmark. He also says he’s a great big liar and he lies and that’s the truth.
“… And if you said that he would tell me to go through the door on the right”
Alpha John is just an Alpha male. No new revelations. Stew brags about banging some chick in a hot-tub, and his girlfriend gets upset and starts to cry, but I’m really distracted by her choice in facial jewelry adornment.
One more barbell and you’ll have The Big Dipper on the side of your face
T-Shawn, also known as fauxhawk, doesn’t admit to any cheating or anything, but he does dance around like Napoleon Dynamite, earning him three points. Travis, also known as 1992: The Guy, earns himself two points for ripping the sleeves off of yet another perfectly good t-shirt. Charm tells us that in the last month he’s fucked seven or eight girls, and his girlfriend says her biggest fear is that he’s gonna get another girl pregnant. Honey, your biggest fear should be AIDS, followed by herpes, followed by syphilis. Actually, you should be worried about getting all those things at once… And in his interview video, Charm has once again chosen to get naked and jump up and down
Check out the size of my logo, ladies
Charm pipes up to make sure everyone got a look at his junk, Alpha John tells him no one wanted to see that (Thank you!) and it wasn’t that impressive. Next we see Josh talking about hooking up with some chick while his girl was away for Christmas.
Based on his outbreak of lip herpes…
I’m guessing this was the chick
J-Daddy tells us his girlfriend used to be cool, but now she sucks. Oh jeeze, and I totally forgot to give him ten points for choosing to call himself J-Daddy. His name is now Joisey until I come up with something better. Mike tells his interviewer that he fingered some chick on the airplane on his flight to Vegas. What the hell airline is he flying on? Are we so short on flight attendants that no one stops this behavior? What about the poor old dude in the third seat? I’d way rather sit next to the screaming baby any day.
Guyliner tells us all a riveting story about this one time when he fucked this girl and his girlfriend came and knocked on the window in the middle of it. Oh, and he’s wearing black nail polish so two points there. Also, five points for pantomiming how he “finished that one bitch off.” Gross.
Beta John reveals to us all that he is the walking talking real-life version of Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused. He talks about hooking up with a 19 year old, which is creepy, but could be worse. His ever astute girlfriend catches the fact that he said the last girl he hooked up with was 19, and since she’s not 19 that means he cheated on her. He lies and fumbles around for words, and then successfully manages to change the subject. And that’s the end of therapy.
The next day it’s time for the dedication challenge. Somehow they’re testing dedication by making them bail water out of leaky boats. Aside from the lame pun about keeping their relationship afloat I don’t see what that has to do with anything. They’re supposed to work together as a team to strategize or something, but mostly we just see couples in boats bickering a lot.
Oh sorry, I was thinking about that night I spent with Joey in Cancun…
Charm goes down first, followed by Josh, then Alpha John, who takes down guy-liner in true Alpha male fashion, 1992: The guy is ripping his shirt up to plug the holes, Joisey is plugging holes with his fingers and toes, and Stew is getting SCREAMED at by his girlfriend. Andre goes down, then Stew, Dan stands around doing nothing while his poor girlfriend works her ass off, and they go down, and with that it’s down to Joisey and Beta John. John goes down, and Joisey wins the challenge.
Back in the barracks Domestic Dan and Charm get into a shouting match about some stupid crap that doesn’t matter. Can these boys just get their dicks out, measure them, and then shut the hell up please?
Joisey and Kat go on their date, and Kat tells him he’s done a “Complete 360.” Yeah, honey, that’s a circle, and you’re probably more right than you know.
Elimination time! They call up Mike, Joisey, 1992: The Guy, Fauxhawk, and Beta John first and give them all their awesome Dedication merit badges. Guyliner, Charm, Domestic Dan, and Andre get called up next, and they get a brief lecture on being better boyfriends, but then they get their badges too. It’s down to Alpha John, Stew, and Josh. English therapist lady tells Stew that he was mean to his girl during the challenge.
Sluts remember things in foggy-vision, but tools remember things in black and white. Write that down. It will be on the Mid-term.
He gets his badge… “Baaahley.” Alpha John and Josh are freaking out. Alpha John is actually starting to grow on me, so I’m hoping they get rid of Josh’s stupid ass. I’m sure he’s miserable having to go this long without updating his Myspace anyway.
I wonder if Joey accepted my friend request…
And the final badge goes to… Alpha John! Bahahahahaha! In your face Kate Gosselin! Whoa! But Kate Gosselin is very very not pleased. He storms out and refuses to go out the front door because he doesn’t want to look like an idiot. Yeah buddy, refusing to leave and having to be escorted off the premises makes you look super cool. Good strategy. At some point in the yelling and employing of bouncers Jamie realizes that her boyfriend is the one getting tossed and runs around to meet him out back. He acts like a complete asshole to her and she still wants to leave with him so they can go home together. After much chaos they get in the car and drive off, leaving us with 11 tools, and sending me onto another rant.
Ladies. I’m speaking directly to all the hetero and bi sexual women out there. Look at these guys! Look at them! They’re lying assholes who treat their girls like shit, cheat on them, and make them cry all the time. Do you know why so many guys are like that? I mean, yeah it has to do with being a prick and possibly some bad parenting or childhood trauma, but what’s the most important thing to these d-bags? Pussy. If girls would stop fucking guys that acted like this a lot of these guys would stop acting like this. Skanky bar whores and delusional girlfriends are constantly rewarding these dudes for being the exact opposite of what they claim to want in a man. Ladies of the world, join together. Pledge to stop putting out for the tools and maybe someday we can live in a tool free society.
Uh… Okay, sorry about that. Back to these tools, I totally forgot to keep track of the points I just gave these guys so I’ll add it up before we start on the Tool Academy betting pool. Who are you guys liking and hating the most? If I can ignore the way they look and dress I actually think 1992: The Guy and Andre are acting the least like complete idiots. I don’t hate Alpha John or Guyliner too much either. Domestic Dan still creeps me out, and I want to punch Stew everytime he appears on my screen. Also, hate Charm based solely on the fact that he thinks the world wants to look at his genitals.
So, it’s 1:00am and I have a Sociology paper to write, so I will try really really hard to get episode two up tomorrow. Hopefully with more pictures. My internet was having issues tonight and it made getting those screengrabs really unbearably frustrating. I’ve missed you all. Gotta go catch up on the Big Brother recaps before I break out the textbooks.