This week on Tool Academy, we face the dreaded fidelity challenge, show some tool spirit, and learn that spelling is really really really hard. Kate Gosselin has already been eliminated, knocking out the highest ranked douchebag and leaving Beta John in the lead. Let’s see who cries, who yells, who gets punched in the face, and who makes us all feel really smart for completing the third grade.
And who needs to pull up their damn pants
Our episode begins with Guyliner telling us how much it sucks living in a bedroom with so many different types of tools. He tells us this while wearing what is either an Affliction t-shirt, or a knock-off of one, so way to start the game with three points, dude. If any of you are wondering about the apparent lack of consistency in my doling out of D.Q. points, shut up. I don’t have time to keep track of what’s worth what. I’m just making this shit up as I go along.
The bright red attracts bird poop, but the graphics disguise them as trendy t-shirt art
Alpha John is definitely in an Xtreme Coutour shirt as they all head off to therapy, so three points for him as well. Hey, Beta John is sporting Affliction. Three more points there. So the tools and their ladies gather in therapy and English Therapist Lady tells them that this week’s topic is fidelity. Seems those sneaky producers at Vh1 had hidden cameras on the tools as they were locked in a room with a bunch of attractive
hookers models. A silent groan spreads throughout the room as you can almost hear the guys trying to remember exactly how badly they behaved, and exactly how long it’s gonna be before their girls are willing to touch their naughty bits once they’ve seen the tapes.
Let’s see… Carry the handjob, cross-multiply by the number of times I insulted/denied my girlfriend, divide by the square root of the lowest point of my girl’s self-esteem…
Joisey is up first. His girlfriend (I don’t see why I should bother learning their names if their boyfriends don’t have to) tells us she’s not worried at all because Joisey is making so much progress and really growing as a person. Must be part of that complete 360 he made last week. Joisey enters the
hooker death trap waiting room with the models and gets a little flirty. They ask if he has a girlfriend and he says kinda, only he says it like this:
In Jersey “Throwback” is a term of endearment
Oh, P.S. Joisey. Five points for the cowboy hat, pink neckerchief, no shirt combo. Yikes.
Joisey’s girlfriend slaps him pretty hard and then delivers some speech about how he should break up with her so she can find someone that actually cares about her. Umm… Okay… That’s one idea. You know what else could work though? You could maybe break up with him. I mean, since we got the right to vote I hear that girls are allowed to leave relationships of their own free will. Thanks radical feminist movement!
So she cries a lot, and Joisey squeezes his eyes together real tight and then presses on the lids until actual real tears start coming out. Well played, Joisey! That should earn you at least another week on campus.
Andre is up next and shocks the living hell out of his girlfriend by hanging out with the models with minimal touching, saying he has a girlfriend, and then telling the skanks he likes having someone to come home and talk to. It’s actually really sweet. And boring. Let’s move on.
Beta Jon is up next, and he bites it pretty big-time.
Feelin like a tool in a hooker store
He gets a little handsy with one skank, and then gives out his number so that he can attend a hot-tub party with them later that night. Beta John’s girl tells him he has to stop giving his number out to girls all the time. Beta counters that he only does it for a boost to his self-esteem and he doesn’t really want to hook up with anyone else. He basically calls himself an attention whore, and I’m certainly not going to argue with that one.
Stew is up next, and immediately earns five points for this stunning top hat, tie, and speedo ensemble.
It’s like Deliverance, only less sexy
Stew admits to having a girlfriend, and then kisses one of the hookerbots right after. His girlfriend gets up and starts seriously wailing on him. I mean, wailing on him to a point where Domestic Dan starts taking notes on proper hitting techniques. Andre’s reaction is pretty priceless.
I’m just gonna hide behind my girlfriend until this all blows over
Once Stew’s girl calms down and stops kicking his ass we get to hear about how Stew also has low self-esteem cause he’s not comfortable with the way he looks and everyone always made fun of him and when pretty girls are interested in him waaaah waaaaah waaaah sniffle tear. Stew, you’re a fucking pussy. In the immortal words of someone I can’t remember making fun of some dude who wasn’t you, what a giant weeping vagina.
The Fauxhawk is up next. He starts off by doing body shots off some herpes ridden skankwhore. Then, when asked if he has a girlfriend he says, “It’s a speed-bump, not a stop sign.” Wow. Just wow. You know, there’s nothing a lady likes more than being referred to as a speed-bump. I think that’s gonna be my new pet name for my lady. I’m sure it’ll get me laid all the time.
The speed-bump is understandably upset. Fauxhawk manages to ramble his way into the deepest hole I’ve ever seen dug verbally. I’m just gonna transcribe his exact ramble:
“I tell her all the time that she’s so pretty like I I do I tell her that all the time thats obviously I don’t have a time anymore cause I’m not the guy that has like an Asian fetish or anything but like all that means is that I’ve got some… Nah I’m saying like I’m Nah I’m not trying to be a jerk like like that’s a good thing like it’s better that you’re not my type like you’re not just fitting the profile of the girl I like I went out of my box of my type I’m not saying that it’s better that you’re not my type but everything is so… that’s better that she’s not my type because I wanna be with her. I don’t know “
Therapist lady looks at him like this
We then see a montage of douchebaggery because Vh1 is running low on time and we still have a challenge to get through. Charm tries to get the skanks to go back to his room, Guyliner gets a little too touchy feely, Alpha John calls his girlfriend bi-polar, Mike shows the girls his ass and then kisses one of them, and 1992: The Guy tries like hell to hook up with every ho in sight.
We slip out of montage mode for Domestic Dan, so you just know this shit is gonna be awesome.
Raise your hand if you’re about to be single
Domestic Dan tells the modelwhores that he is single, then squeezes one of their asses and gets a spanking. His girlfriend says she can’t trust him because she caught him kissing some other girl a year ago, but DD insists that it was just kissing and nothing else happened. After some gentle prodding from Therapist Lady he blurts out, “All right, I fucked her!” Wow, I am learning a whole new language of love from watching this show. Let’s see…
Dear BiPolar Speedbump,
Ever since the first time I laid eyes on you I knew you weren’t my type, but that’s a good thing, but that’s not a good thing. You’re the best throwback that ever happened to me. Every time I boost my self esteem by giving my number out to other girls I think of you and how much you mean to me. You’re the only girl I want tying me down. Except for that one girl because I totally fucked her.
Domestic’s girl gets up and leaves, but he manages to coax her back into the therapy room. He says he wants to change, she says she hates him, and Therapist Lady gives a brief lecture on the importance of admitting to past misdeeds. She starts to wrap up the therapy session, but oh no, this shit ain’t over yet. Andre pipes up and says he wants to get a skeleton off his back burner or something like that. Seems our one tool that actually did well in the fidelity challenge got some strange on his birthday last year. And here comes the outpouring of tool confessions. Charm hooked up with his girl’s friend one time after they went clubbin’, Guyliner hooked up with Laura. I don’t know who Laura is, but based on his girl’s reaction it’s looking like sister, cousin, or best friend. Stew confesses to something, but it gets narrated over
I had this sheep when I was a kid and one night after a few too many Miller High Lifes…
We get the token therapist “Breaking things down to build them back up better” speech, lots of girls cry, and that’s the end of therapy.
The girls go off to their room to cry and mourn the loss of any self-respect they may have previously been holding onto. They speculate that the boys are in their room feeling like shit and thinking about what they’ve done…
Mourn means get drunk and high-five each other, right?
The boys start wrestling each other in a totally not gay way, but then 1992: The Guy clips Charm in the face and Charm ain’t havin none uh that cause he’s a model.
One dollar and forty two cents to be exact
They get all up in each others’ faces yelling “Lean on me then, bitch.” Ummm… Am I that old? Is lean on me now a way of calling someone out to fight? Because that “Lean on Me” song is way less heartwarming if it is. Damn, I keep forgetting about points. 10 to Charm for calling his face “Money in the bank” and five to 1992: The Guy for looking like he’s about to burst into tears while talking about beating Charm down.
It’s a new day in Tool Academy, and it’s time for the fidelity challenge. If I were running this show a fidelity challenge would involve drinking a bottle of Cuervo Gold and then getting locked in a room with 20 horny escorts for 3 hours, but alas, Vh1 is going to make them write cheers. To help out they call in these ladies:
Scantily clad women are a great way to keep your boys faithful
So the cheerleaders show the tools some cheer moves and then send them off to write and choreograph their own routines. Here, for your viewing pleasure, is Alpha John with pom-poms.
Yeah, this may help drum up some fidelity by making sure no girl ever wants to sleep with any of these guys ever again, so good show Vh1.
Rather than rehearse, Guyliner and his chick have chosen to fight with each other. Beta John fucks off while his girl works on the cheers, and Andre’s girl is so mad that she’s making him write everything. Beta Jon is being a prick and claiming not to be a tool. Domestic Dan decides that he might as well be totally honest, and confesses to two more bouts of infidelity. He chooses slightly gentler words than, “All right I fucked her” this time, but somehow she’s still upset by the news.
OMG! We’re watching TV on TV. It’s like having picture in picture and both pictures are playing the exact same show!
And with that it’s time for our tools to perform their cheers. Everyone comes out in matching cheer uniforms and jumps around a bunch.
Oh it’s already been broughten
Guyliner is first and does his cheer in a very similar manner to listening to Magic Johnson read off of cue cards. It could be worse, but four-year-olds could do better.
Bring It On 17: We’re not even trying anymore. Coming soon to a Wal-Mart bargain bin near you.
We go into speedy montage mode after that, until we get to Charm. He and his girl do a super boring “Gimme an I” type cheer, with her calling out letters and him saying them back. That would be lame enough on its own, but this is how Charm’s girl spelled ‘Infidelity.’
What’s that spell???? Anyone? Anyone?
Andre and Leah totally don’t suck, but they get points knocked off for keeping the entire football field in-between them throughout their entire cheer. Beta John stands around while his girlfriend does the entire cheer, and Domestic Dan forgets his entire two lines in the cheer and stands around looking like he’s having a petit maal seizure.
Wow. Well, I guess we have to pick a winner out of all these losers. And the winner is….
Weeping hillbilly vagina and questionable choice in facial piercings girl
So they jump around and so some sloppy cartwheels while fireworks go off in the background. Leah, Andre’s girl, is not a very good loser and talks about having to go hang out at the house with a bunch of stupid bitches. Hold on there Leah. You girls aren’t supposed to get catty and evil until the fifth or sixth episode. Until then you have to be all about girl power and unity because your boyfriends suck. Once they start behaving and you don’t need so much moral support you can all be the backstabbing hosebeasts we all know you are deep down inside. Ahhh… I hate my gender. Probably because I date within it.
Stew’s win earns him a date that starts with a sexy photo shoot for him and his pincushion with tits. The only way this photo shoot could possibly be sexy is if they substituted out the winners for people that don’t trigger my gag reflex when they start to undress, but hey, guess they have to work with what they’ve got
Fun fact: His other eye is closed too
Behold the sexiness:
If anyone needs to take a moment to bleach out their retinas or do a few shots or possibly try and find that company from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to get rid of those images for you I totally understand. As they call them on Web Soup, those are Things You Can’t Un-See!
So the pincushion tells the crying hillbilly that he still has a lot of work to do but she’s proud of him for all his hard work and the progress that he’s making. She tells the confessional that he needs to continue becoming the man that she wants him to be. Yeah, that always works out really well. Hey ladies, instead of going out and finding a guy who exhibits traits and values that coincide with what you’re looking for, just pick any random dude out of a line-up (metaphorically or literally) and then spend all your energy trying to brainwash him into being what you want and crying when he acts like himself. That is the ultimate route to happiness and contentment, and the best way to find your soulmate.
Anyway, they hook up, and since Vh1 thinks you’re too dumb to figure out that two naked bodies under a blanket grinding up against each other means that sex is happening, we get this awesome graphics fade effect.
And with that awesome image burnt into our minds, it’s time for elimination. Andre’s worried cause he cheated on his girl and she’s clearly still very very mad at him. Host guy says, “There are ten badges and eleven of you. What that means is that one of you is going home.” Ahhhh… Television. How I love your assumptions that your viewing public is incapable of doing second grade math. I mean, you’re probably right in this case…
11 minus 10… Let’s see, carry the 1, borrow from the 0…
So our first set of tools are called up and it’s Mike, Guyliner, Stew: the weeping hillbilly, and fauxhawk.
These are your valedictorians. Welcome to The Learning Curve.
Has anyone else noticed the single drum-beat sound effect they play when they slap on their new badges? WTF Vh1? On a side note, I would like “WTF VH1?” on a t-shirt please.
I thought I was done giving out points for this episode, but then fauxhawk refers to himself in the third person and earns 15 points. Asshat!
Up next they call Joisey, Alpha John, Charm, and 1992: The guy. They are the middle of the class. The C students, if you will. Enjoy your merit badges and complimentary drumbeats.
Domestic Dan, Beta John, and Andre are the bottom three. I think that’s a little unfair. Andre is the only one who passed the video challenge, he confessed to his infidelity of his own free will, and he’s definitely the least tool-ish guy there. Let’s call racism! Not because it is, but because I haven’t gotten to pull this out in a couple of months.
Dan is given the next badge, and it’s down to Beta and Andre. After a bit of a lecture about sleeping with other girls, the last badge goes to Andre, and Beta John is outta there! Score another win for the D.Q. system!
I would like to take a moment now to offer you a psychological comparison to what is about to go down when Beta John comes down the stairs to meet his girlfriend. Remember when you were like eight years old? Remember how your friend would get a new video game that you really wanted to play and then you went to his house to play it and, realizing that he was way better at it then you you told him the game was stupid and you didn’t wanna play anymore cause it wasn’t fun anyway? I bring you now, that mindset in grown-up dating form.
Jon steps up on the platform with his girl, and rather than wait around and possibly get dumped on national television, he breaks up with her before she has a chance to say anything. She takes it decently well and gets a great big group hug from all the ladies.
I’m so sorry for all the shit we would have talked about you if you’d lasted longer
Beta Jon takes it really mature-like and keeps repeating the same thing over and over again:
Someone add that to the Hallmark card I was writing earlier. Damn these fuckers are romantic.
Okay, so for those of you keeping score, my point system is awesome and is thus far two for two. Here’s where we stand at the moment:
Andre — 100
Charm — 163
Domestic Dan — 50
Guyliner — 50
Alpha John — 89
Beta John — 176 (eliminated)
Josh — 190 (eliminated)
Joisey — 125
Mike — 100
Stew — 132
Fauxhawk — 57
1992: The Guy — 145
Okay, so that means Charm should be out this Sunday. Questions? Comments? Hatemail? Comment away.