Viva Hollywood!: A Whole Lot of Shaking Going On!!

Hola Chicos!!!

Just in case you missed it, this week we are graced with the f**king fabtaculous CHARO!!

The personification of a million wet dreams

So take a deep breath, gather your courage and take the jump…

There are those small victories in life that we as human beings hold on to and revel in for years after the fact; the time my hateful boss was led out in handcuffs because of the child porn that I might have reported finding on his office computer; the run in with my ex-husband when I was on the arm of a particularly handsome gentleman. Apparently, beating Vinci at last weeks duel was one of those special victories for little Enrique. Its heartwarming to start this week with him in the chapel gleefully chuckling over his triumph, accompanied by a victory punch to the sky, a little pit action and the Howard Dean type shout, “Yes!! I took out the Bully.”

Currently starring in Rocky 7

The editors, apparently working to develop a heart warming theme for the week, follow up Enrique’s triumph by showing us a tender moment between Geovannie and Silvia. Well, at least, Geovannie thinks it’s a tender moment; Silvia not so much. Geovannie tells us that he’s over Silvia dumping him for Berto last week because he and Silvia share a special bond that nothing can come between and he’s willing to face the whole group to defend her, if it comes down to that. Denial is a beautiful thing. Meanwhile, Silvia is telling the camera that any alliance with Geovannie is weak, since nobody in the house can stand him. And there is something about Geovannie that is guaranteed to make most women’s skin start to crawl.

If I keep smiling, he might go away.

Later, the chicos are hanging out in the pool with Roseny telling us that she, Jenn and Gisel are the ‘in group’ and everyone else is out. For God’s sake, these women are out of high school, correct? Was an arrested emotional development a necessary criteria for coming on this show? I have to say that at this point the only contestant that I can really get behind is Berto. So, WooHoo! Go Berto! Jenn Pinto almost has me, except for her tendency to go into rants more appropriate for a spot in the Bad Girls Club. Anyway, by the chicos count they’ve been in the house for two weeks and they’re almost halfway through.

The next morning at 6:35 am, the front door opens and…no, it’s not the cleaning crew…it’s Charo!!! Remember, Charo from the 70′s? The person with the single most appearances on the Love Boat, ever!!! Not to mention that she’s a really fine guitarist, it’s just that her guitar playing can get overlooked with all the coochee, coochee stuff going on. Now, some careful detective work has yielded the information that Charo was either born in 1941 or 1951, depending on the documents you look at, which means that she’s either 67 or 57 years old. Charo is going with 1951 and, since I can’t wrap my mind around a 67 year old woman in bright red spandex hot pants looking that good, I’ll go with the 57 years as well. Either way, she looks impressive as hell as she creeps into the house, wearing the aforementioned bright red spandex shorts and sprayed with tubs of some sort of polyvinyl shellac, because no 57 year old woman is looking that tight on her own. Einstein would have loved this woman, she single handedly challenges the concepts of both gravity and time.

In my neighborhood all we get is crack addicts and pimps.

As Charo tiptoes through the house, followed by an entourage of young male musicians, the chicos are sleeping the sleep of the innocent and it occurs to me that millions of boys have regularly fallen asleep praying that they would awaken to find Charo in their beds. I would like to put out there a reminder to be careful what you pray for; thirty years later that prayer might come back to bite you in the ass. I mean Charo’s still looking pretty hot, but for those boys who were praying for Farrah Fawcett, they could get a hell of shock if their prayers are similarly answered.

Charo finds her way into Geovannie and little Enrique’s bedroom. Taking quick stock of her choices, she crawls in next to Geovannie to wake him up then quickly jumps out as Geovannie, true to form, tries to enthusiastically welcomes her. Grabbing his and Enrique’s hands, Charo pulls them out into the hall with the other chicos to have an impromptu hoochee coochee party. Most of the chicos are kind of dazed, but grinning at the idea of a little early morning frolicking. But, then, there’s Roseny, who each episode becomes more perfect for a starring role in the princess and the f**king pea and is seriously pissed that her beauty sleep was interrupted.

My bad. She clearly needs alot more beauty sleep.

Geovannie is looking completely bemused by the experience and almost giggles in delight as he recounts his adventure of Charo waking him up. I’m guessing that he was one of the boys who prayed for Charo to magically appear in his adolescent rocket shaped bed. He assures us that, while nothing actually happened, it could of because he saw it in her eyes, which is dangerously reminiscent of the tired ‘your mouth may say no-no, but your eyes say yes-yes’. For the first time, a few new expressions are flashing across Geovannie’s face, replacing his tired Nicholas Cage tortured brooding look. I’m happy that he’s expanding as an actor and all, but I think he may need to review the ‘no means no’ rule. The hoochee coochee party winds down with Charo playing the guitar for the chicos, who as a group are clearly besotted.

Silvia tells the camera that she can’t believe that she’s here with all of the inspiring teachers and mentors and she doesn’t want to go anywhere. Oops. Sigh. She’s gone. Because, you know, that in reality TVland, as soon as the editors show a contestant saying how much they want to stay, it’s a sure sign that she’s muerto. Caput. I have to admit that this makes me a little sad, because, while I tend to overlook Silvia, she has been a relatively sane voice in the house. Well, except for that little past life regression incident where she killed her father, but whose counting a little murder in a previous existence.

The chicos gather at the dining room table with Charo and Carlos. Charo is wearing black leather pants and a sheer black lace top that very few grandmas could wear, much less look awesome in. Charo is an inspiration to us all. Sadly, it’s time for her to leave the house. Charo says adios to the chicos in general and to Carlos in particular by counting to three with accompanying pelvic thrusts aimed in his direction. Carlos, always the gentlemen, gives some restrained tasteful thrusts back. It’s a hell of way to greet and part from people.

Taking MILF to a whole new level.

Then, it’s Uncle Walty’s turn to introduce our fifth deadly sin. And I can’t help wishing that Charo would pull Uncle Walty out of the screen and make him do the coochee coochee in his lime green muumuu; that would be a treat that would stay with me for days. Uncle Walty, oblivious of my wishes, instructs the chicos that in life as a Latin star they must be able to sing and dance. Now, if I’m remembering the talent show correctly, that pretty much means that the chico’s aspirations are seriously f**ked. With the exception of Jenn Pinto and, of course, Janet’s ‘sexy dance’, there wasn’t a whole lot of dancing going on. And, after Gisel opted to act out America the Beautiful, there wasn’t any singing going on either. But Uncle Walty, happily unaware of the short comings of the group, goes on to tell them that the fifth deadly sin is fire and the chicos better step up and let the music enter their souls or they’re definitely going to be caput. Then, like always, he waves, blows kisses and makes some vague motions toward his genital region.

After Uncle Walty has disappeared, Carlos explains to the chicos that the musical telenovela is a huge and growing genre in the business. So, this week’s challenge is going to consist of musical numbers with singing and dancing. The chicos are assigned to the following pairs, and this week there’s not going to be any of that switching partner shit that went down last week: Jenn and Enrique, Roseny and Geovannie, and Berto is performing double duty by dancing two separate tangos with Silvia and Gisel. Carlos assures Berto that the judges will take his extra effort into consideration. Okay, so some producer is getting his jollies big time with this line up. The last time Jenn and Enrique were paired up, Enrique crawled on top of her and started nipping like a crazed terrier. The last time Roseny and Geovannie were paired up, Roseny was half an inch away from crying date rape and all the girls have held it against him since. And, the last time Berto got caught between Silvia and Gisel, it was enough to bring out Gisel’s scary bimbo stalker personality. Jenn and Enrique look okay when they get the news, because in the scheme of things it could be worse. Geovannie looks panicked and Roseny looks seriously pissed. And Berto’s leaning back and nodding, because Berto is the man. Nothing panics Berto.

There’s no time to waste and the chicos immediately go to a studio to meet up with Broadway choreographer Sergio Tujillo and his unnamed dancing sidekick, but boy can she move. Serg, who sounds a little like a gay Latin chipmunk, starts right off making them sweat by breaking into a complicated salsa type dance step for them to follow. I can tell you that none of the boys and only a couple of the chicas are doing much more than jumping side to side. Serg tells them that they have a lot to learn in the way of song and dance and almost no time, so they need to get cracking.

There’s not enough Tums in the world to get me through this.

The first team we get to see rehearsing is Jenn and Enrique as they try to follow Serg and his sidekick through the steps. Judging from the fact that, while Serg is dancing, he’s also casually chewing on whatever snack he has at hand, I think it’s safe to say that this is not his most difficult dance. Even so, Enrique looks a lot like this little ‘pendulum man’ magnet that’s stuck to my refrigerator and swings it’s arms and legs in weird disconnected side to side movements when I open and shut the door. Enrique tells us with an optimism bordering on pathological that he’s having a little trouble with the choreography. Serg warns him that he needs to get out of his head and most importantly own the character. I just don’t see anything good coming from expecting Enrique to be both coordinated and passionate at the same time. Either one is enough of a challenge by itself when Enrique’s having a really good day.

Okay, now go for the passionate look.

Meanwhile, Roseny and Giovannie are practicing with the songwriter/musician Tom Hyman, who tells them that they have the hardest song that he wrote. Roseny seems to be able to at least follow the notes, but Geovannie, bless his heart for trying, is beyond bad. We’re talking toe curling, nails on a black board, bad.

Then, we get to visit Berto’s rehearsal with Gisel and Silvia. It is, of course, an emotional mess, but at least they’re all three still alive. Berto and Silvia are dancing well together, while Gisel looks on and glowers, spits venom and curses, not quite grasping the concept of pretty is as pretty does.

Berto is finally getting a clue that it might not have been such a good idea to grope nasties with Gisel on their first night in the house and tells us that, while Gisel’s a beautiful girl with great attributes, her attitude “would make any guy want to throw up.” LMAO. Normally, after a little man-ho side groping, Berto can probably ditch the girl if any inconvenient results start to surface. Unfortunately, he’s now locked in a house with the results of his bad judgment. I want to know if Gisel followed Berto back to NYC after the taping ended and has been stalking him from there? Berto, keeping his eye on the prize of winning Viva Hollywood, is realizing that he has to be careful of how he deals with Gisel because he can’t have her fold up in the corner like a “whiny jealous little doll.” And, really, it shouldn’t be too difficult to keep her happy. Stalkers are notoriously delusional about their victims affections.

Back at the Casa de Locos, the contestants keep practicing. Jenn is smacking Enrique’s hands to get them to stay up; a novel technique that Enrique seems to like. Gisel has snagged Berto for herself, but chiefly sits on his lap complaining that her ankle is hurting. And Roseny and Geovannie rehearse their Flamenco dance, as Roseny, like a true ice princess, slowly sucks the passion out of the dance by instructing Geovannie not to stand too close and under no circumstances touch her, even with the surgical gloves on.

The chicos are exhausted and hungry when they gather in the dining room for their dinner. I just noticed that the Uncle Walty screen shows his picture benevolently watching over them like a really bizarre family portrait.

Just when you thought the Velvet Elvis was the ultimate in kitsch.

Enrique tells us that a producer comes in and pulls Silvia away and we’re shown a quick clip of the producer’s shirt. Meanwhile, Gisel is complaining about the dessert and Berto points out that the only things she likes are chicken wings, lettuce and air. Roseny, fed up with Gisel’s ceaseless complaining, tells her that she fits well into her hair color. I know the dumb blond stereotype, so I guess this must be the updated dumb. Blond, whiny, complaining stereotype. I think it’s hysterical that Gisel complains even more than the ice princess.

Silvia comes back from her private convo with the producer and sits down at the table looking quite composed for about two minutes and then she’s in tears. Silvia explains that there’s a personal emergency and she has to leave the competition, but she can’t say what it is. Okay, I’m officially going nuts. I can’t find any information on the personal emergency anywhere on the web, dammit. What can I say? I’m a yenta and I like to know these things.

The Ice Princess asks suspiciously if Silvia is acting. And Berto’s all like shut your mouth, bitch, it’s not an act and then to Silvia, “what happened?” Actually, I added in the ‘shut your mouth, bitch’ part. Roseny’s beginning to seriously bug me.

Silvia tearfully tells the chicos how awesome they are and that they’re the strongest contestants in the house. Then taking a moment to channel Oprah, she gives a parting pep talk to Gisel interspersed with sobs and tears. Something along the lines of if Gisel wasn’t so f**ked up (my words not hers) she could actually succeed. Gisel blinks and takes it in, or at least tells the camera that she really heard Silvia’s words of wisdom. Then, Silvia and Gisel tearfully hug and chug their wine and are the best of friends for Silvia’s last couple of minutes with them.

The Ice Princess isn’t buying Gisel’s making nice nice and, while I don’t like Roseny, I have to admit I have a few issues with Gisel’s about face as well. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she snuck out of the house and made a few phone calls arranging for Silvia’s house to be burned to the ground, or some such thing, to cause Silvia’s personal emergency. But, low level psychosis aside, the person that really loses his grip and seriously cracks up is Geovannie and we’re talking some serious mental instability here. I mean he’s known Silvia for two weeks and, if she’s not hiding from him, he will be able to contact her again in another two weeks. Geovannie sinks to the ground completely bypassing the chair and curls up into a crying little ball. The other chicos look down from their chairs and kind of shrug. It takes a lot to make a dent in this group. Then, struggling to his feet, Geovannie wanders a few feet away from the table before sinking down again and pulling his shirt over his head sort of like a turtle. Wow, this guy has some serious separation anxiety issues. Definitely the sort to lock his teenage bride in the basement so he’ll always know just where she is.

You’ve got to wonder, WTF is the camera man doing under the table?

While Geovannie is going mental, Silvia is upstairs packing and Maria Conchita comes in and does the hugging, comfort thing. It really is sweet, kind of like what Tyra might try to do on ANTM, but never quite manages to pull off.

Downstairs, Geovannie has gotten himself together enough to actually sit on a chair and is playing with a butter knife, hitting it against a glass in kind of a vengeful creepy manner. Gisel, possibly recognizing the behavior from her own repertoire of creepy vengeful stalker behaviors, gets a little nervous and yells at him to stop. Geovannie jumps up and yells back and the girls start yelling some more. Finally, Jenn who is by far the loudest of the chicas, drowns the others out as she goes on about how overdramatic Geovannie is and how he just needs to sit down and relax. My blood pressure is going up just listening to her. I think Jenn’s talented but holy crap, woman, take it down a notch. I definitely need some more tequila to cope with this stress.

Upstairs in the Zen like epicenter of peace and love, Maria Conchita is still hugging Silvia and gives her a necklace that symbolizes wings and flying. Then, Maria Conchita tells Silvia that if she’s a good human and if she believes in herself she’ll…pause, small choke…be happy. So, I guess Maria Conchita doesn’t see stardom in Silvia’s future, just happiness. But, Silvia seems to have missed the awkward pause and is just grateful for Maria Conchita’s attention. Sigh. I’m going to miss Silvia.

Later that night, stalker Gisel tells us that part of her was sad to see Silvia go but part of her was happy because she had Berto to herself. She and Berto are dancing in the pool for some reason…Hey, why not? And her voiceover continues, saying Berto and she are very connected. Note to Berto: Honey, maybe you need to tell Silvia that you’ve only got another three weeks to live. If you’re convincing enough, then just maybe you won’t wake up to her standing over your bed wielding a knife.

Now, I’m a little confused on the timeline, but I think it’s the next afternoon and the chicos are being swept away in their white limo to have some fun at the club Chapter 8. The club is empty and the chicos seat themselves at a table full of shrimp and veggies and what Berto calls an “amazing dinner”. The chicas give squeals of “Ooh, champagne,” or maybe that was little Enrique. Then, surprise, here comes that bionic, bouncing force of nature, Charo, with the exciting news that the headliner for that night’s show is going to be the chicos, in like…hmmm…10 minutes. Wheee, won’t this be fun!!! Meanwhile, the chicos are seriously breaking down as a group. Roseny tells us in a restrained panic that, OMG, she just did not feel that they were there yet. Okay, so not quite a full out breakdown; the editors go to Jenn for that. Jenn tells us flat out, and I’m going to the quote so as not to dilute the poignancy of the moment, that she, “felt like I had to pee. I felt like I had to do number two.” And, if that’s not panic, I don’t know what is.

Did I share too much? Sometimes they tell me I share too much.

The chicos rush backstage for makeup and costumes and bathrooms. Hair gets slicked back, glitter gets applied and everybody gets powder. In addition, little Enrique gets something special, he gets his own little slicked back rat tail. Gisel is strapping on her stiletto sandals and whining that that her ankle is going to restrict her dancing, but it’s hard for me to summon up much sympathy for her.

Grammy nominated singing sensation Maria Conchita appears to host the evening and her makeup is both memorable and dramatic. Whoever invented the four inch eyelash is a genius; rarely does a woman get so much effect for so little. I think it’s safe to say that Maria Conchita is either doing this segment blind, or she’s got the strongest eyelids on the face of the earth.

If you look really close, you can see the wires raising her eyelids.

Accompanying her as her “spicy distraction” is the actor Emilio Rosso. You might remember him from his appearances in such great movies as 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea and The Sweep. Unfortunately, I’ve got to say that he’s not showing the elegance and grace that I would expect in Maria Conchita’s escort. He takes his seat in their booth and the camera shows him munching away and staring blankly at Maria Conchita. Maria Conchita then introduces our favorite choreographer, good old Serg. Followed by the great woman who brought the Hoochee Coochee to the US of A; Charo her f**king spectabulous self. Charo appears, looking like she stole the designs for one of Barbie’s dresses, and Maria Conchita’s date stares in disbelief as Charo and Maria greeting each other with the coocheee choochee 1,2,3 pelvic salutation.

How ya doing? Good. You? Oh, just fine.

The first contestants up are Enrique and Jenn and I’ve got to say that Jenn is smoking hot and Enrique is, well, kind of flailing. Jenn pretty much eats him alive. The words to the first lyric of their song are hysterical.

“What about your lover ?” Enrique asks.

“He means nothing to me,” Jenn assures him.

“But he’s my brother,” Enrique protests.

“Please don’t speak,” Jenn commands.

Afterward, Jenn is seriously pissed that Enrique did not perform up to par and grabbed the wrong hand when he was supposed to be leading. Honey, this poor guy didn’t have a prayer in hell of leading you, he was just holding on for dear life. Enrique, used to disappointing women, isn’t even phased by this turn of events and calmly tells us that he’s just giving Jenn her space to cool off.

It looks like he’s hailing a cab to get out of bad neighborhood.

Roseny and Geovannie are up next and it quickly becomes apparent that Roseny’s singing has gone rapidly downhill since their rehearsal. Geovannie is even worse and, of course, there’s some laughing from the audience. Then, they perform the most sterile version of a flamenco. Ever. Really. The puritan pilgrims probably had a firmer grip on sexy dancing than these two. For the majority of the dance, Roseny and Geovannie manage to completely ignore each other. Finally at the end, Geovannie approaches Roseny and she awkwardly hooks her leg around him and he drags her off the stage. Okay, so maybe a pilgrim wouldn’t do the leg hooking part, but for the rest, I’m telling you the Ice Princess prevailed.

I think the Fonz and Laverne once did this on Happy Days.

Gisel and Berto are up last with the tango. I have to say that Gisel’s stalker qualities transfer well into the hot Latin dance. Furthermore, Gisel is clearly the least bad singer out of the group, but American idol she ain’t. Berto’s singing is not so good, but he delivers his part with confidence and panache. Beside Jenn, Gisel and Berto appear to be the only ones that can actually dance. I would have given a lot to see Jenn paired with Berto for this dance, I’m thinking it would have been sizzling. After their performance Gisel is sure that they won, but Berto, working the humility thing, is a little more critical of their performance.

Look deep into my eyes. I’m the only one for you.

And then it’s judgment time…

Maria Conchita announces that the winner gets to be a guest DJ on a Latin radio show. Then Serg gives his analysis of their dancing.

He loves Jenn’s style and pizzazz, but says that she and Enrique lack connection. He’s finding this especially disappointing since he talked to them about that specific issue. Jenn agrees that they lacked a connection because when Enrique missed her hand she was pissed that he was going to ruin her dance. Way to put your feelings aside and rise to the occasion. As much as I like Jenn, I’m beginning to thing that a few rageaholic meetings might be just the ticket.

Maria Conchita chimes in that Enrique’s singing was flat and lacked confidence. Things aren’t looking so good for little Enrique if Maria Conchita is once again disappointed. Just like you don’t want to bore Nina, you don’t ever want to disappoint Maria Conchita.

Serg goes on to tell Geovannie and Roseny they lacked precision. I have to say that I’m little surprised that that’s all he had in the way of a critique, but Roseny’s all like, “Whatever, Sergio.” Maria adds that it sounded like they were singing two different songs.

Then Serg goes to Gisel and Berto and he almost swoons with delight. Gisel and Berto embodied tango more than any other tango he’d ever seen. Anywhere. Ever. It’s the stalker thing, you know, it adds the intensity. Maria Conchita’s maternal claws come out just a little and she tells Gisel that she has no idea how beautiful she is when she isn’t complaining. Then, a little reluctantly, Maria kind of says something along the lines of, ‘Hey you, Gisel, I guess you’re the winner.’ And I’m giggling a little, while Gisel tells the camera that winning made her feel like she belonged in the house.

Roseny has a serious hissy fit with the camera, telling us in a voice dripping with sarcasm what a shock it was that somebody with such severe ankle injury suddenly healed and won and maybe she had a miracle cream on her ankle. It’s much easier to listen to her when I have chips, salsa and tequila to take the edge off. Go away, Ice Princess.

Not surprisingly, little Enrique is the loser because once again he didn’t give what they were waiting for him to give. Charo, having a kind heart, runs up to give him a kiss because she doesn’t believe there’s such a thing as losers. And I’m not going to go with any obvious jokes here. But the editors insert a shot that makes it look like Geovannie’s not too thrilled that his adolescent fantasy is kissing another man, which is pretty funny. I appreciate the editors’ attempts to spice things up. Then, Maria Conchita says that because this is Viva Hollywood and, you know, it’s normal for Latinos to break out in spontaneous music and dance, just like Bollywood and gay lovers in piano bars, they should dance.

After the festivities, the Chicos head back to the house to decide who’s going to duel with Enrique. Roseny feels her biggest competition is Jenn. Geovannie tells Enrique that the only people who can go would be him or Jenn.

Carlos shows up with the death cards wearing a fuchsia shirt and a striped tie that is not a good choice. Note to Carlos: you are the highlight of my week. Seeing you makes this train wreck of a show worthwhile, so please get your wardrobe together.

Dear Yenta, I promise to burn this shirt. Heart, Carlos.

Carlos tells the chicos that it is time to start focusing on getting their major competition out of the house. Then our chicos go into the chapel and amid the normal chorus of ‘forgive me’ they vote. Geovannie votes last and to justify his vote for Jenn he tells us unoriginally that even though you can take the girl out of Brooklyn you can’t take the Brooklyn out of the girl. Hey, Geovannie, way to piss off an entire borough. Plan on spending much time in New York?

After counting the votes, Carlos comes back to reveal that Geovannie is going to the duel and Jenn Pinto needs to watch her back. On cue, Uncle Walty’s voice intones, “Be brave my friends.”

The chicos gather on the balcony as Maria Conchita sweeps in wearing a leopard print dress. Tonight it’s an intimate judging with only Carlos and Maria Conchita to decide the fates of our duelists. Maria starts out by telling Enrique that he failed in a telenovela scene of fire and that there’s no passion when the cameras focus on him. Then, to Geovannie, she asks if he’s a threat to the other contestants or is he just so bad of an actor that they’re afraid to have to work with him. The chicas on the balcony are apparently supporting the latter. Maria Conchita points out that Geovannie seems to have some hecklers and is there something he wants to say. Geovannie tries to explain that the reason they voted for him is because they’re a block of girls who don’t want to vote for each other. And the girls, acting like the audience in a Roman gladiator arena signal for Geovannie to die.

Geovannie and Enrique turn to face each other and Enrique does this weird thing scrunching up his chin and lowering his brow so he looks a little constipated. It takes me a moment to realize that this is his intimidating look. Poor Enrique, if only he’d accept his nerdiness. There’s a lot of room for nerdy actors. The forensic labs in the Law and Order series is full of them.

This is my mean look. So get ready, cuz I’m going to say some mean things, now.

Geovannie tells Enrique that he needs to bring more passion. Enrique tells Geovannie that he has one note, one pulse, and no fire. Furthermore, seeing him in the duel is the first time he’s seen him stand up for himself. Geovannie responds, “Well, maybe this is the start of something new for me.” And Enrique comes back with, “Great, bring it on.” Then, too late, Enrique realizes that it’s not so good if Geovannie is fixing his perceived flaws that quickly, so Enrique repeats the winning part of his monologue from last week and promises once again that he’ll ‘bring it’ if they keep him.

The chicas aren’t feeling too hopeful for Enrique. Gisel noting that he repeated himself from last week and Maria Conchita’s not going to like that. And Jenn threatens that if Geovannie stays she will make him cry and walk out of the house.

Meanwhile, Carlos and Maria Conchita are debating the admittedly limited merits of both Enrique and Geovannie. Enrique has passion but he’s seemingly incapable of delivering for the camera and Geovannie sucks as an actor. Maria Conchita decides to go have a shot of tequila to help her decide. Maybe she’s hoping that the worm at the bottom of the bottle will know what to do.

Lets have another shot, then eliminate them all.

Maria Conchita returns and the chicos gather in front of the judge’s table for her decision. She tells them that Enrique is still not making bold moves and Geovannie needs to learn to connect with other actors, otherwise he comes off as fake and wooden. And then we get to watch…drumroll please…La Masacre de la Mascara.

Geovannie and Enrique are seated at a bar celebrating an imminent influx of wealth. Geovannie turns to cut some limes and light glints off his knife. While Geovannie’s back is turned, Enrique sneakily poisons his drink. Then, Enrique’s cell phone rings and he turns his back to answer it as Geovannie, unaware of the danger, spins the drink tray until there’s no knowing who has the poisoned drink. They both toast and swallow. Geovannie starts gasping and choking like he’s dying, then quickly recovers. Oh, crafty editors, keeping us in suspense. As Geovannie excuses himself, saying the drink went down the wrong way, Enrique starts to choke and falls over dead. Geovannie seeing that he’s still alive squats down and pees a little in relief.

The new Depends, not just for women anymore.

Maria Conchita sadly looks at Enrique and says those fateful words “I am sorry. You are muerto. Caput.” Enrique tells her he has something for her and for a moment everybody looks a little tense, but Enrique pulls a rose bud out of his pocket and hands it to her. I have to say all joking aside that he seems like a really sweet guy. Anyway, little Enrique leaves the house with his backpack correctly slung over both shoulders looking like a happy schoolboy going home after the high school musical.

Maria Conchita has some final words for Geovannie, “If you can’t make friends, make enemies by being better than they expect.” And Geovannie, the inner beast awakened, rants to the camera that they’re all going to get it. All of them. At least he didn’t shake his fist to the heavens above.

So chicos, what do you think? Was Enrique the right choice? Or should Geovannie gone home? Next week is supposed to be seduction and Berto bares all…too bad it isn’t Carlos, but still, Berto’s something to look forward too. See you next time.

***Check out Chapter Six of Yenta’s novel “Honor Among Thieves” here.

To start from the beginning, go here.