Holla Gasmii;

It’s time to break out the Tequila. Just when you thought that you’d seen everything that TV had to offer we get Viva Hollywood, the great train wreck of telenovelas.

Full of Oscar Worthy Moments

So be brave and take the jump…

I have to confess that when I saw the preview of Viva Hollywood, I thought the show was a spoof, something along the lines of 30 Rock’s MILF Island. So, when Flipit suggested I recap Viva Hollywood, I thought he was out of his mind. But being a dutiful recapper I sat down this afternoon to watch the show. Now I have a moral weakness for schlock, schmaltz, camp or kitsch. Any of the above can make me happier than Governor Spitzer getting a lap dance, but this show has all of these qualities and I’m happier than Brett Michaels would be crammed into a room full of greased up strippers.

The house that will serve as a home to our contestants is one of those sort of pseudo Hollywood mansion types that keep being recycled through these reality shows. I can’t tell which show I’ve seen this one on before, but if I was a contestant coming into this house I’d be bringing a HAZMAT suit to wear in the hot tub, bathroom, kitchen or any where else that people might have dripped bodily fluids.

Home Sweet Home To Many A Stray Virus

Our aspiring telenovela actors and actresses begin to arrive and in order of appearance we have:

1) Roseny, who is pretty but not drop dead gorgeous and a tad too confident for my tastes or to put it more clearly this is one conceited B**ch. Roseny tells us that she’s the one to beat. She’s done it all, print, commercials and runway, which would have been great for America’s next top model, but an acting show?

2) Geovannie arrives after Roseny and I’ve got to say he’s pretty cute until he opens his mouth and tells us that he’s a trained actor just like Shakespeare. While I appreciate the classical reference I’m kind of doubting that he’s just like Shakespeare.

3) Janet is a tall skinny blond who’s wearing an outfit fresh from the latest Fredericks of Hollywood Catalogue. She tells Roseny and Geovannie that she already has a talk show and I’m wondering if she’s the Latina Oprah or Ellen, but no, it turns out that she’s more like a Latina Dr. Ruth. She continues explaining that her talk show is about sex and Geovannie perks right up telling Roseny in gleeful tones that Janet is a sex expert and they will “talk” later. Hmm, a tall skinny blond that hosts a sex show, bet there’s not a whole lot of lines that she hasn’t already heard, and in any case even if Geovannie is like Shakespeare I kind of doubt that he’s going to come up with something super original.

4) Alexcy walks up to the house wearing jeans and a shirt hanging open to fully expose his torso like he thinks he’s Rambo coming back from a hard day of killing the bad guys. Supposedly, this show had thousands of applicants, so I’m kind of wondering what this kid is doing in the house since he’s never even acted before and he’s pretty short for having been recruited just on his looks. Not that I’m saying anything against short people, I barely top out at five feet, but the traditional telenovela stud tends to be on the tall side. Roseny says that he’s like the little Rico Suave and holding her hands six inches part adds he’s only this big. Really, any joke that I could put her would be too easy.

5) Jenn grew up in Brooklyn and now lives in the Bronx. She wants to show that she can fight for this chance and show how bad she wants this. My award for total drama queen initially goes to her. Five steps into the house she’s having a total sobbing breakdown about going from living in an apartment to being in the house. And we’re shown a clip of Roseny telling the camera that Jenn is the most emotional. It looks like the editors are casting Roseny as the go-to-girl for commentary on her housemates.

6) Berto is the next to arrive and this guy is officially going to be one of my favorites. This is a man with his priorities firmly in place. We don’t even hear about acting or professional experience instead he tells us that his first sexual encounter was at age nine. That sex has always been effervescent for him and that he’s a very sexual guy. Ya think? And if need be he will use it to win.

7) Gisel is another tall thin blond, except that she has bitch-queen-in-training written all over her. She describes herself as very independent and sarcastic, but her friends love her for it. Not surprisingly, Berto thinks she’s hot.

8) Enrique is a little guy who doesn’t seem to quite fit with all of the heavy hormonal and pheromonal vibe going on with the other contestants and he tells us that he’s a serious actor and if anybody gets in his way their going to have a hard time with him.

9) Jainmy is a little older a little shorter and a fair amount heavier than the other woman, she’s like the token almost fat chick. She tells us that she’s the proud mother of a 9-year-old girl and that she came to the house because she had a dream that she had to fight for. Sort of like Martin Luther King’s I have a dream speech except shorter and without the important social message.

10) And then there was Kalain and, well, I’m not sure what to think about Kalain, He has this crazy bush of hair and seems kind of disconnected with the world. Of course, that might be because I can only understand every other word. I do catch his telling the camera with a smile of bewildered innocence “all the people love me, I don’t know why.”

11) Silvia is very pretty with long dark hair, dark eyes and of course tall and thin. She tells us that she comes off as sweet but that she’s stronger than people think. And then as if she’s been reading The Art of War in her spare time adds, “If you don’t know what’s coming how are you going to prepare for it?”

12) Vinci is the last to arrive and this guy is a riot. He’s going to make great reality TV but really, if I knew him personally I’d have to take him to the vet and get him neutered so that he’d stop peeing on the furniture and humping the females. He’s almost tall dark and handsome, except that he’s not really handsome and he tells us without the smallest hint of irony that he sees himself as “stronger, smarter, balls, character, like a lion. If you run away from me I’ll hunt you and catch you and eat you.”

So, Vinci enters the house and Jainmy tells him that he’s got that Ricky Martin smile. Well Gisel the Bitch Queen says but Ricky Martin is so 1985. And somehow that translates to ‘your mother is a goat and you smell like a camel.’ And Jainmy is all like ‘I curse you and your dirty pillows will give sour milk’; while Gisel tells the camera that “I tell people how it is, like if someone’s getting offended too bad for you.” As a recapper, I find this attitude reassuring; she’s not so likely to send me hate mail.

Enrique, the nerdy serious actor, immediately sums up the social dynamics in terms of high school, leading me to think that he really was kind of an outcast back then. He tells us that he could already feel the cliques. He could tell that Roseny and Gisel were the hot girls; Berto and Vinci were the jocks; Kalain the big afro hair guy; Alexcy kind of like the white guy that wants to be a rapper (LMAO); Silvia very bubbly; Jenn don’t mess with me chick; and, Jainmy is a mom.

After the contestants have a few minutes to socialize, we’re told that it’s time to meet El hombre de la casa, Carlos Ponce, recording artist and crossover star. One hot tamale. And they’re not kidding, this guy is hot. Not so much the way he looks, even though he is pretty good looking, he just has “it”, whatever “it” is. He’s charming, masculine, and sexy. And if my husband is reading this, I would like to add that I never even glanced at the TV when Carlos was on. Anyway, Vinci tells the camera in an awestruck voice that he wants to be a Puerto Rican like Carlos Ponce. I personally think Vinci’s a bit closer to becoming a Puerto Rican Vinny Barbarino (anybody remember Welcome Back Kotter).

It’s Kind Of Nice That Vinci Has A Dream

Carlos welcomes the contestants and tells them that they call the house, Casa des locos. Then introduces the fabulous Vida de la Casa, Maria Conchita Alonzo. Maria Conchita has been waiting in an upstairs room and comes down along the balcony. She may be on the shady side of fifty, but this woman is still a walking, talking, sex bomb. As she comes down the stairs we see that she’s wearing a full-length completely sheer blue negligee. And I’m dying to see if she’s naked underneath. So I’m pausing the tape and trying to get a shot that lets me see and finally I get a good enough shot that I can make out a pair of regular skin tone panties; not even bikini briefs. And I’m loving it. This woman could care less about diets, face lifts or for that matter butt lifts and she’s flaunting her curves and still looking pretty fabulous.

Hilary Clinton Would Have Worn A Thong

Then we get some clips of the male contestants sighing to the camera about a woman more than old enough to be their mother. Nerdy Enrique doesn’t have quite the same sex drive as the jocks but he tells us, “I’ve known that one that one day I’m going to be on screen with this woman and her I am.”

The jocks are a little more to the point. Vinci tells the camera, “It’s a dream. She was one of my first experiences with women, watching by myself, if you know what I mean.” We get it Vinci, and now Maria Conchita also knows that you used to spank the monkey when you watched her on TV. I’m sure that she appreciates your sharing.

Berto, not far behind, tells us that she’s wearing this “sick blue dress” and he can’t get his eyes off her ass. But I’m kind of thinking that Berto probably has that reaction to most things in life. Waitresses, nannies, or old ladies in the checkout line at the supermarket, probably all float his boat.

Maria Conchita gently tells the contestants that, this is your new home and “this is your new family. Your back-stabbing, two-timing, self-centered crazy family.” She actually she actually does that sexy shoulder shimmy when she talks. Everybody laughs happily. Yay! Seven weeks sharing a house with horrible people. Yay!

Maria Conchita then explains the rules. The contestants will be judged on their acting, originality, and their ability to create an original persona worthy of telenovela. The winner will receive $100,000 and a career making Telemundo role. Now, this is where I am beginning to suspect that maybe they didn’t have enough applicants and they gathered the rest of the contestants from random bus stops and train stations because a number of them didn’t seem to know about the prize money. It’s kind of like they said come with us and we’ll give you free room and board for a few weeks. In exchange, you just have to let us film you doing some weird shit. And now the contestants are all like, ‘we could win money too?’

If Only I Knew How To Act

Then we have this kind of creepy shot of Jainmy sitting on a couch looking overcome and saying, “I’m so blessed, I get to be chosen.” So I can’t help wondering if she’s having private conversations with God and more importantly is God answering her? Because, when you can actually hear God speaking English or Spanish to you, its usually not a sign of being chosen, more likely it’s a sign that you should check your pill box to see if you missed a day.

Anyway, Maria Conchita welcomes the contestants by telling them to all grab their tequila and toast. Berto is psyched, proudly telling the camera, “twenty minutes into the house and we’re already pounding tequila shots.”

Maria Conchita’s parting words tell our contestants that, “this is your home and this is your new family. Thousands of people applied, but only you were chosen. Never forget the cameras are always on you so take advantage of it.” I’m still thinking “thousands of people applied?” The casting directors were either brilliant or were pounding tequila right alongside Maria Conchita when they picked this cast.

Maria Conchita leaves and Carlos tells the “chicos” that he will now introduce them to someone else who will be watching their every move. The picture above the fireplace turns into the screen. And a person comes on the screen wearing what looks like the top of a shiny lime green muumuu with sequins, but I seriously have no idea if it’s a man or a woman? It’s like one of those college admissions tests where you’re pretty sure that the test maker slipped in a bogus question just to torture you. So for peace of mind I guess that it’s a woman desperately trying to lower her voice. But no, once again I’m wrong. This male (?) is actually Walter Mercado, astrologer to the stars. We’re told that he’s famous for his exotic appearance and something else. But I’m stuck on the “exotic appearance” description. This must be the most politically correct way to describe a transgender persona, ever. And then in a weird fake baritone Walter explains that the contestants must master the seven deadly sins of telenovela. The first deadly sin is passion and the successful telenovela actor must harness passion and rage.

Uncle Walter Wants You

Walter fades away and Carlos is all ‘okay so that’s that,’ like he’s a not really down with this Walter thing and he quickly moves on to explain to the contestants that they’re going to learn about fighting from Ben Bray. Ben Bray turns out to be the stunt coordinator for a bunch of pretty big movies such as Transformers and Pearl Harbor.

The contestants are broken up into the following teams: Jenn vs. Roseny, Gisel vs. Silvia, Janet vs. Jainmy, Geovannie vs. Vinci, Kalain vs. Berto, and Alexcy vs. Enrique.

Then they are shown the basic stunt fighting techniques for the push, hair pull, hand slap, punch and drink to the face. Ben Bray demonstrates each of these and we get to see our teams practicing them, which is pretty fun. We also get a voiceover of Gisel saying, “I want to go up against Jainmy. I will punch her.”

After they practice their fighting techniques, Carlos hands out the scripts for their first scenes and the teams are all excited to go off and practice. We’re shown Silvia and Gisel practicing first and Silvia tells us that she has more training than Gisel. Gisel true to her bitch queen persona tells us “Silvia is very confident so I have to work double because, I ‘m pretty.” At first I thought I was misunderstanding her, but I replayed it a couple of time and that’s what she said.

Berto tells us that Kalain’s English is bad so that he’s thinking he’s screwed. Which is kind of fair because you really can’t tell what the kid is saying.

Enrique’s nerdy actor ass doesn’t get why Alexcy’s here since he’s never done any acting before. So you know that Enrique saw the casting add for the show in the back of some Hollywood periodical and sent his head shots right in, whereas Alexcy was just wandering through the park one day when the Viva Hollywood truck pulled up and snatched him. It’s amazing how such completely different paths can take people to the same place in life.

Jainmy and Janet seem to be working pretty well together and Janet says that she didn’t like Jainmy at first but that Jainmy was nice to her in the challenge. I have to say that so far out of the female contestants Janet seems like the nicest.

Vinci and Geovanni are having a few issues. Vinci thinks that Geovanni is acting like he’s Andy Garcia and Vinci is driving Geovanni up the wall because he just wants to party. And of course partying wins out because this is a b-list reality show, well maybe a d-list. Because you know on the A list reality shows, the contestants aren’t sitting around drinking when they’re supposed to be working. Can you imagine Tim Gunn’s face if he had walked into the work room to find his designers pounding shots of tequila and playing spin the bottle?

D-Listers Have More Fun

But on this show everybody gives up practicing and ends up sitting around drinking and Vinci says, “I wanna play a game.” So Vinci’s game consists of each person having one minute to narrate their history for the group and of course Vinci starts, while Alexcy times him. Kalain tells us that Vinci loves being center of attention and I’m psyched that I didn’t have to replay the tape to understand him.

When it’s Berto’s turn he tells us that he lives in Jersey City with a girlfriend of 10 years. This gets the girls going and Silvia asks, “So why haven’t you married her?” And I’m thinking that any woman who could put up with Berto’s rampant horniness must either be a blow doll or the most secure woman alive.

Jenn shares that she grew up in Brooklyn and now lives in the Bronx. Gisel shares that when she was twenty-one, she found out that she was adopted but she is Latina. Janet shares that her mom is a Mexican actress. And Roseny trots out that she’s done a couple of national commercials and lots of runway shows. Then Jainmy comes in to take a turn. And it’s hard to tell if she’s being pushy about it or it’s just the editors making it seem that way. Gisel tells us that, “we were all having fun until Jainmy walked in” and “Jenn rolls her eyes saying, “Jainmy, here she goes.”

Jainmy starts by introducing herself like everybody else has done before her and Gisel interrupts her with “we know your name obviously we got it the first second we met you.” This makes things a little tense, but Jainmy goes on to say that “I started modeling when I was 16 I used to practice martial arts because that’s what my dad wanted me to do, but I wanted to model so I went to school for it.” Which is not the history that you’d expect since models tend to be tall and thin and as a career choice for Jainmy this is kind of working against nature. Apparently, I’m not the only one thinking this as the editors show us some of the women’s surprised, disbelieving expressions.

Alexcy calls time interrupting her and everybody laughs. Roseny tells the camera that Jainmy’s bigger and shorter, but she seems like a really good girl, but maybe it’s not all there. And I’m wondering if she means “not all there” in terms of her package as an actress or “not all there” in terms of Jainmy’s sanity. The game breaks up and the party moves to the Jacuzzi leaving Jainmy sitting on the couch sulking.

As they gather at the pool in their bikinis and swimsuits, Gisel tells us that she’s hot for Berto. She’s not going to lie there’s an attraction. I’m just betting that when she found out that he’s been in a relationship for ten years she got a lot more attracted to him. She’s definitely someone that would get off on the idea that she’s attractive enough to steal a guy. Of course in Berto’s case it’s not really a question of stealing, since he’s bound to try and hit on at least half the woman in the house before this season is over.

So, everybody is drinking and partying, except for Jainmy who’s in leggings and a long sleeved shirt sitting on the edge of the pool still sulking. I feel kind of bad for her. I mean she’s probably not going to be comfortable getting into a swimsuit around all of the skinny younger woman.

Gisel tells us that she doesn’t hate Jainmy she just feels that she made it hard for Gisel to like her. And Silvia tells us that the problem with Jaime is that everybody is trying to get to know each other and she’s pushing everybody out.

Jainmy says, “They don’t like me and I don’t care ” as she goes into the house and we’re shown a totally creepy clip of her lying in her bed opening her bible to find God’s message to her. She finds a passage stating, “Blessed are the ones that bless you and cursed are the ones that curse you.” The fact that the passage is already highlighted kind of makes me think that this isn’t the first time Jainmy’s had some problems with the people she deals with. And you’ve got to wonder if Maria Conchita isn’t going to find Gisel and some of the other sinners lying dead in a pile of blood tomorrow morning.

Who Knew God Would Speak In Subtitles

Back at the pool our “chicos” are partying like there’s no tomorrow and not everybody is happy. Geovanni tells us in disgust, “that tomorrow is the first acting challenge but everybody is whooping it up in the hot tub” and that his partner, Vinci, “just wants to wing it with no preparation.” But Vinci is not really a fan of method acting or any other formal school of acting that I know of and he tells us, “wait until the moment comes that’s acting for me.”

I’m actually feeling kind of bad for Geovanni. Of course, seeing him wandering around in his pajama bottoms looking pretty hot is helping. But, he is trying to take the challenge seriously and he has a point when he says, “if you let the partying and everything get to you, you’re not going to make it very far.”

Berto’s take on the festivities is refreshingly honest he tells us, “we should be rehearsing, but I’m the kind of guy that loves a good time. I’m not really good at saying no to a good time and Gisel’s hot. Who doesn’t like that when all you want is sex?” This is a guy that is seriously comfortable with being a ManHo, which also kind of explains why he hasn’t actually married his girlfriend. She’s probably at home loading her shotgun as I write this.

I’m Going To Get Me Some Of That

So apparently it’s bedtime and Berto happily follows Gisel into the bed she’s sharing with Janet. And I’m wondering how the sleeping arrangements were decided on. I mean were the contestants assigned to beds or did they just randomly decide that they wanted to share a bed with people they’ve only known for about twenty-four hours, if that? And why do some people have single beds and others king size beds? There’s an almost Zen like acceptance of the sleeping arrangements when Gisel tells us that the camera, “We were all in the same bed. It was Berto, me and then Janet next to me.”

Berto says nonchalantly, “I was all drunk and tipsy. I do a little flirting and a little feel around, no pun intended.” I’m desperately trying to figure out the pun he’s referring to, while Gisel is swearing to the camera that nothing bad happened before giggling and giving up with a “Oh, that was so not believable.” And I think I can hear the sound of Berto’s girlfriend cocking her shotgun, no pun intended.

The next morning Jainmy and Janet are going over their script and Janet tells her, “Gisel will do anything to win” and fills her in on the details of Gisel and Berto making out the night before, adding, “he touch me and he touch her too.” What I want to know is why she stayed in the bed while this was going on? I mean two people you barely know humping next to you, while you catch some stray gropes, is really pretty gross.

Vinci is awake and perky telling us proudly that he drank almost a whole bottle of vodka. But he feels great because he didn’t mix the kinds of alcohol. And then he puts on his lucky elephant undies. And I’m speechless; I just officially fell in love with this show. I’ve never even imagined an adult male having y-fronts with a picture of an elephant and calling them lucky.

This Is An Elephant. Can You Say Elephant?

Then Carlos shows up and the sun comes out he’s looking mighty fine, even though I’m not a big fan of the shirt. Carlos tells the contestants that its challenge time. They will perform their scripts complete with fighting and the contestant who shows the least skill will be the first contestant up for elimination.

For their performances, everybody gets dressed up in costumes that are so over the top cheesy that you have to love them. Carlos and Ben Bray are the judges and Silvia and Gisel are up first. Silvia is the maid caught wearing the trophy wife’s bikini. Gisel is the trophy wife. They have the some faces slaps; hair pulling and a push into the pool where Silvia tries to drown Gisel. Carlos and Ben clearly like a good catfight because they’re chuckling and rubbing their hands together like a couple of kids in a candy store. There only criticism was that Silvia broke character at the end and started laughing. Silvia tells them that when she started laughing it was a character choice. But they’re not buying it and when they show the playback I’m not buying it either.

Alexcy and Enrique are up next and, surprisingly, nerdy Enrique has been sleeping with Alexcy’s mother. They throw some punches and shove each other. The main criticism that Carlos has is for Alexcy who he says needs to feel the aggression. Then referring to his virgin acting status Alexcy tells us that he’s fresh fish and new meat. Like he’s a newbie at the state prison. Alexcy also tells us that he feels he was born with a natural gift for acting, which is good since he doesn’t seem to have a lot of skills.

Kalain and Berto do their thing with Kalain cast as the thief and Berto as the guy with the money. And they’re sporting some fabulous pork chop sideburns that look somebody cut two inch wide strips out of velvet seat cover and glued them over their cheeks. It’s hard to see Kalain’s, but Berto’s chops are awesome. Kalain’s English is so bad that they give us subtitles when he’s speaking. When Carlos calls cut he just looked bored. And his criticism is that Berto is not listening to what Kalain is saying you. But in Berto’s defense how do you listen to someone who needs subtitles? Which of course brings us to the problem with Kalain’s English. Carlos didn’t understand him either.

Jenn and Roseny go at it next. Jenn is the good sister and Roseny is the “fallen” sister. And these two rock not to mention that they incorporate all of the fighting techniques, they throw water followed by food, then they slap each other around and pull hair and push each other onto the ground where they roll around struggling. You can see that Carlos and Ben are seriously getting into this and it takes a few minutes for Carlos to call “cut”. It also seems to me that Carlos is kind giving Roseny the flirty eye and she’s eating it up.

Giovanni and Vinci’s scene has Geovanni cast as the lover and Vinci as the villain. Vinci is wearing a bright red poofy frilled shirt more commonly seen worn by professional and somewhat effeminate figure skaters. Vinci makes it part way out the door when he calls cut because his shoe came off. And while I’m thinking about figure skaters, this is kind of reminding me of a proud Tanya Harding moment. Vinci’s taking it upon himself to call ‘cut’ seriously pisses Ben off. He tells us that that is a sure way to get fired and that Vinci better not quit his day job. Carlos comments that Vinci hit a little too close in the punches and he was sure he heard one make contact. And to his credit Geovanni doesn’t jump on this but stays quiet. Vinci tells the camera that he doesn’t want to hurt nobody followed by an evil, if slightly dimwitted, chuckle.

And last, Janet is cast as the innocent maiden and Jainmy as the harlot. Janet’s costume has her sporting some really cute purple undies. Carlos isn’t looking to impressed with these two and says that Jainmy felt a little robotic, while Janet needs to work on her dramatic pauses. Carlos explains that Telenovela is all about dramatic pauses but she has to find the right place to put them.

So, now that everybody has performed its time to find out who will be up for elimination. Carlos starts out by telling them that they all tried really hard. And then goes through the teams with his summary on them. He liked Gisel, but Silvia not so much. Berto has the physicality down, no surprise there, but he has to work on the acting. And, of course, Kalain needs to work on his English because nobody can understand him. Then when he gets to Jenn and Roseny, Carlos gives one of the most awesomely nasty criticisms I’ve heard. He tells Jenn, “you were playing a high class lady, so we saw maybe a little too much Jenn in there,” but he says it with so much charm that she doesn’t even blink. Then he tells Roseny that she was awesome, wonderful, and fantastic and I’m a little sad, because he definitely likes her and Roseny’s not above doing the wild monkey thing to get ahead in this competition.

Carlos tells Alexcy that the camera loves him but his voice is monotone and he needs to work on the acting. Enrique is a good actor but he needs to react a little more and they need to get him to star quality. Janet needs to work on the intent of scenes, while Jainmy’s personality was lost in the scene. And lastly, Vinci is warned against getting cocky, while Geovanni took direction well and really pulled it off.

With all that being said, the first person up for elimination is Janet. Janet takes the news with a surprising grace, while Gisel tells the camera that that was completely the wrong reaction.

Martha Washington Has A Bad Day

The winner is Roseny and not only is she granted immunity but she gets a complete Hollywood makeover by a leading stylist and a one-on-one visit with Sophia Vergana a big name Latina star.

However, Viva Hollywood has an interesting twist for Janet, this is not end of road. Carlos explains that the house will vote for another person to face Janet in an acting duel. Sort of like the gauntlet, but with a lot more yelling and hair pulling.

The chicos get together to talk about the vote and Jenn tells us that now the drama begins. Jainmy’s opinion is that the person you vote for is either the person you hate or it’s the person with the least talent. Listening to her, it occurs to me that this could be one and the same person. But Gisel and Jenn start to object to Jainmy’s opinion based on the principal that they don’t like her and the three of them start to get into it with Gisel and Jainmy calling each other bitches. But there’s no hair pulling or slapping so after their scenes this all seems pretty tame.

After everybody breaks up, Gisel and Jenn share a bonding moment and agree that what Jainmy said was wrong because as Gisel says, “It’s a competition and I’m an actress.” Meaning that her vote will be professional and not personal, which is just annoyingly dumb since we all know that she’s going to vote for Jainmy because she doesn’t like her.

Jainmy on the other hand belatedly realizes that having a public bitchfest with Gisel and Jenn might not have been good strategy so, as soon as she can, she goes to talk to Jenn and Roseny, to clear the air. Jainmy assures them that if there is something that she tries to do, it’s to keep her class at all times. And besides, God speaks to her regularly and is gonna curse Gisel’s ass as soon as he gets around to it.

Jenn and Roseny decide that Jainmy is really okay and go upstairs to tell Gisel that they made nice with Jainmy and try to explain her side of it. They find Gisel seated on Berto’s bed trying to convince him that he should marry his girlfriend. Which would seem a little more sincere if she hadn’t been playing spoon, grope, grope, spoon with him last night while the cameras were filming. Anyway, Jenn and Roseny try to explain that Gisel’s little negative comments are what set Jainmy off, but she’s not getting it. Roseny bored with the situation tells us, “I don’t have time for catfights I have to go claim my prize.”

So, we get to see Roseny getting all pampered by the stylist and being sent off to have dinner with Sophia Vergana. I swear I’ve never seen this woman before, but she’s really pretty and gracious in the face of Roseny’s all consuming self-centeredness. Roseny completely unaware of her lack of tact tells Sophia that she remembers seeing her way back in the day. And when Sophia tells her that she’s been recently cast in a film to play the love interest of a very young guy. Roseny asks if age has been a problem Sophia, while the music in the background suddenly morphs in into this pissed off cat sound. Roseny then kindly tells Sophia that she has good teeth and that she guesses age wouldn’t be a problem if you still have it in the face. Sophia doesn’t bother to respond to most of this because what would she say other than, “Listen you dumb ass whore, you’re not that good looking and you look older than I do.” But then, that probably wouldn’t fit the nice image that she’s trying to project so she just makes a great series of faces:

After Roseny’s one-on-one, Carlos is talks to the chicos as they sit around the table all cloaked in dread and gloom because it’s time to vote a person into the duel. Carlos reminds them that Roseny has immunity and then explains that one by one they will go into the chapel and vote for person they want expelled using the death cards stolen from good old Walter’s tarot deck. There seems to be a little confusion about whether the voting room is a real chapel, because a number of the contestants vote look up to the camera and ask devoutly for forgiveness after they place their vote.

Finally, the votes are in and we’re told that there is fear in the house. Carlos tells them that they have made their decision and that person is Jainmy. Jainmy hangs her head and tells us, “When I heard my name it was overwhelming, I’m not here to make friends but I don’t want to be at risk. I wanted to cry. OMG I’m scared”

And we hear Walter’s weird fake baritone intoning, “Be brave my friends,” kind of like a tranny jedi master.

Maria Conchita is present to preside over the duel and greets our contestants with a “Holla chicos. Buenas Noches.” The contestants are spread out around the balcony looking down. Maria Conchita is seated with Carlos on one side and Ben Bray on the other and she’s wearing a smoking full-length red dress. Maria commands Janet to present herself. When Janet steps forward, Maria Conchita continues saying with a certain relish, “Jainmy the fellow contestants have voted and they have decided that you no longer belong. Maybe they think you have no talent or maybe you are a threat and maybe you are just a pain in the ass.” Everybody laughs but Maria goes on to add “But there were others with votes–Gisel I would watch your back.” For a moment I’m truly in awe of this woman.

The duel consists of Jainmy and Janet each taking a turn to convince the judges why they should be the one to stay. Jainmy says that she barely had enough money to get there and she went to her mother for money and left her daughter with her. Jainmy’s mother, who clearly has some serious enabling tendencies or is simply terrified of her borderline psycho daughter, said that if this was Jainmy’s dream she would buy her the plane ticket. Jainmy then goes on to say that this was the biggest learning experience in her life and her career. The Biggest. Ever. Jainmy keeps repeating this and Carlos has kind of a blank expression while Maria says, “Wow.”

Janet tells the judges that English is her barrier, but her mother is an actress in Mexico so she knows that she can do better because its in her genes and that she’s passionate about the career.

Both women hopefully face the judges and Jainmy, apparently once again getting a hint directly from God, says to Maria Conchita, “Just for your information, you have the most beautiful name in the bible after Jesus and God.”

Maria, doesn’t even blink, just smiles and says, “Oh thank you,” like Jainmy just told her she liked her hairstyle, which tells me that she’s just about heard it all in her lifetime or that drink that she’s been sipping on is starting to kick in.

Maria then instructs the two women to face each other and that Janet should tell Jainmy why she should be here instead of Jainmy and adds that this should be a great telenovela moment. Janet gives a short sobbing impassioned speech about how she’s really an actress and we’re shown a shot of Gisel wiping away tears, which is kind of odd since I don’t really see Gisel as the kind of girl likely to cry.

When it’s Jainmy turn she talks about how she wants to be an inspiration to billions of people in this world because she’s not a skinny prototype, she’s a real woman. And now they’re both crying and Gisel is crying.

So Maria tells them, “Okay girls only one of you is worthy to stay in La Casa des Loco.” I’m pretty sure that at this point Maria has got to be thinking that both of these woman suck giant eggs and they’re not paying her enough. Meanwhile, Vinci in awe of the spectacle that he’s just seen tells us, “You only have a moment and if you don’t do it right your screwed.” It’s kind of heartwarming to see Vinci taking something seriously.

The contestants leave and our three judges shake their heads over their dilemma. Maria looks despondent and tells the others, “This going to be a tough one for me at least” and grabs her drink. The men agree that both Janet and Jainmy are sweethearts, But Maria has a slightly more jaded take on the sweetheart factor saying, “We should not go for who’s sweet and who’s not, there are many bitches who are around who are big stars.” This truly is the voice of a woman who’s seen it all. And she dismisses the men to make up her mind. Apparently Maria Conchita has the last word in who stays or goes at her crazy farm.

I Guess It Was BYOB

When Maria has reached a decision, the chicos are summoned back to the room and Maria speaks to each of the duelists saying, “Janet, you told us that language is your barrier but that excuse that can only go so far” and “Jainmy, your personal story moved me to tears but can you touch the hearts of the telenovela audience?” Then to both of them she explains that she has made a decision based on their acting abilities, their behavior in the house and their performance in the duel. The behavior in the house wasn’t mentioned when they first described the criteria that decisions were based on and they’re still not being clear about what kind of behavior is considered good. I mean this is reality TV so it seems like Jainmy’s in your face, sulky and semi-psycho behavior should be winning her big points since the only rating worthy act from Janet was allowing herself to be groped by a total stranger.

Anyway, instead of just naming the loser we get to watch The Massacre of the Mask. Earlier in the day Janet and Jainmy filmed a fight scene where they both fall down the staircase and die. The winner of the duel will be the person at the end of the clip shown walking away. So, along with the contestants, I’m holding my breath watching Jainmy and Janet go at it and I have to say that their acting has seriously improved or they really are trying to kill each other. Finally they tumble down the stairs and we all wait transfixed as we stare at their motionless bodies and then Janet gets up and walks away leaving Jainmy dead on the floor.

There’s a hush in the room and Jainmy stares at the screen in disbelief. Maria Conchita tells her, “Sorry. I’m very sorry. You are muerto. Caput.” And this has to be the single best elimination line I’ve heard on a reality show. Maria continues sweetly, “I saw a lot of potential. Just keep believing in you, because I do.” Then Janet and Jainmy grab each other and cry while Jenn and Gisel exchange evil glances and Roseny tells the camera, “she didn’t have the talent so she had to go.” Gisel gets her last chance to be spiteful telling the camera, “She treated me like mother goose, but we don’t need a mom here.” Meanwhile, Maria tells Janet that they believe in her but they expect a lot of hard work from her. Then she tells the group as a whole, “Now take your margarita and let’s toast.”

Janet assures us tearfully that she will fight for her dream and that she wants to walk the red carpet and get her Grammy.

Outside Jainmy is spitting venom at the camera saying that there are snakes in the house and that in three days it was a real life telenovela; one flirting, the other pretending to be her friend and then betraying her. But before Jainmy can really get going, Maria comes out to comfort her, which is really kind of nice. Most of the time when contestants get the boot nobody comes out to hug them.

Now Tell God To Get Me The Hell Out Of Here

So what do you guys think? As of now, I’m rooting for Geovanni to win this train wreck. Next week promises mass nudity and other awkwardness so make sure you’ve got your tequila ready to go…