Welcome To Miami Bitches

Yes folks Bad Girls Club has moved on to fresh territory. Either that or the California Health Department kicked them out of the state. Either way, hold on tight and let the craziness begin!

Oh man, I bet they start from somewhere in the middle of the show and then go backwards. Did they not learn anything from Lost?

OOOOh I’ma skeerd now.

Back at the house, the one we haven’t seen yet because we are in the way back machine, apparently a few of the girls have decided that one of the girls has got to go. So they pack up all her shit and throw it outside and lock the flimsy ass doors. When The Ho Who Must Go arrives home all hell breaks loose.

She finally busts the door in and starts screaming at everyone she can find only no one seems to know anything. The scene ends with someone screaming for security.

Just as I expected. Ugh.

Lets meet the skanks y’all! First one up shows up basking in the glory of her own awesomeness  on a yacht.

I see the photographers  last gig was at a morgue.

Morgan tells us that all girls hate her because they are jealous of her because they want to be her and they can’t. Is it too early for me to emphatically state how very much I hope she get eaten by a shark?

At first all I could hear was her voice and she sounded just like Batshit Natalie from last season and I almost quit on the spot. I have a feeling this twit is going to make Batshit look like an angel. or at least a little less like Satan.

She has been given the title of Uber Bitch. She looks like a bootleg Kim Kardashian to me so that kinda does fit. Morgan goes on to tell us that she knows Miami and all the girls have hair like hers, boobs like hers and nails like hers. Someone must have missed class that day they explained a little thing called originality. Dingbat. Then she admits that Miami is a very superficial world and she doesn’t spend $2000 on hair for her health. Uh, I don’t spend $2000 a YEAR on shampoo. Again, I hate her. Hopefully sharks are attracted to weaves.

Moving on to the crazy girl of the house. That makes me giggle. They always single one out as the crazy girl when clearly they are all CRAZY! This one says her family doesn’t approve because, you guessed it, they think she’s crazy and she likes to get drunk and yell at people and has skunk hair and tatts.

If ya don’t like me ya can go fuck ya self!

She looks like she needs to poo. She has been deemed the South Beach Rebel. She tells us she lives and breathes South Beach. It is her town. She has an A tatt on her arm for her boyfriend Adam whom she has been with for 6 years however she’s been screwing a married man for a year and a half and her boyfriend has no clue. He will now twit. By the way, screwing around on your boyfriend with a married man does not make you a rebel, it makes you a whore.

Next girl up tells us she has a big mouth and gets into a lot of trouble. I guess she is supposed to be the Plain Jane of the house with an attitude. She tells us her Dad is from Puerto Rico and her Mom is Jewish so she’s a Jewrican.

Someone could definitely use some make up tips.

Danielle tells us she works at a bar and loves kicking bitches out who shouldn’t be there. She has been named the Scrapper. She also says she works hard for what she gets and hates spoiled superficial bitches. Hahaha girl you should have gone to a convent and not South Beach. And then she uses the respect word. Next we’ll be discussing learning about ourselves and changing and growing and baaaaaaarrrrrffffffffffffffff!

Here comes some pornish music and a fluffy black girl strutting her stuff. She tells us she doesn’t want people to confuse her classiness for weakness cause she will drop her Louis Vuitton hangbag and snatch a bitch.

Catnip has been labeled the Elite Player.

She goes on to show us some “classy” photo’s from some magazines she’s been in. She then tells us she used to be in a relationship with Beans……….apparently he’s a rapper. Ok.

Finally Catnip and Danielle meet. First fake hug of the season. “Oh God your so cute.” “No you are”. Bleh. They are both so excited to be moving in the house although Danielle says she isn’t used to living large. This gives Catnip an opening to tell us that she wears cheap clothes but she’s cute so she isn’t sure about her just yet.

On to the next bitch. She is sitting at an outdoor cafe and she says she is a bad bitch and if she doesn’t like you she will make your life a living hell.

I was going to try to be nice, but those nose holes give me no choice. She shall now be known as Snout.

She is known as the Sneaky Stripper. She tells us she wears 8 inch stripper heels and once she hits the stage it’s goodbye Brandi and hello Venus. A stripper named Venus, again how original.

Second fake hug of the season. Brandi and Lea meet and hug and promise to be BFF’s! After the initial where you from bullshit, Brandi asks where are all the hot girls. Lea, astute girl that she is senses that this might mean Brandi has lesbian qualities and asks her about it. Brandi likes to keep her options open and says she is “about 90% lesbian”. Oh jeez, pick a hole or a pole lady damn.

Try not to be shocked but it seems that Lea likes holes and poles too! Awww skank bonding, I may cry.

UH next one up comes stomping down the street looking like a miniature Winona Judd with a mental disorder and she says girls are scandalous,backstabbing, shady bitches and she will tell them what she wants whether they want to hear it or not. And by the way, “Nobody messes with me!” Bet she’s one of the first to get an ass whipping or to run like hell at the first sign of trouble.

She even looks scared in her picture lol.

She has been named the Trash Talking Cheerleader. Who the hell does she cheer for? Serial killers? She looks both scared and scary. She tells us that when people hear she’s a cheerleader they think she must be sweet and there is not one damn thing sweet about her. Ok, we get sour puss, shut up now.

She walks up to Catnip and Danielle and they have chit chat boring crap. Tatts, piercings, boobs etc. When suddenly you hear a boat horn fog horn leghorn what the fuck ever that sound is a boat makes and we see this.

Still too much to hope for a flying shark huh?

She screeches at the 3 on shore to get their asses on the boat. More fake greetings and hugs and love love love. And booze. Someone rides past them on a jetski and shows her boobs so Danielle does the same.

Danielle tells us that Morgan at first was very uplifting, happy, lets go, and then everything changed. Lea brings up the fact that even if they bicker and fight amongst themselves, when they go out they need to have each others backs. Morgan doesn’t see it that way. She says if she doesn’t like you she is not going to fight for you. The other girls don’t look to happy about this and Morgan tells us that she doesn’t care about anything but Morgan. Yeah no shit. Catnip basically agrees with her.

Ok back to Lea and Snout. They are in a yellow hummer, jeep hell I don’t know, making their way thru traffic trying to find the house. And find it they do. And it is a house I would consider boinking an old man for. Just saying.

The pool area is always my fav.

Lea and Snout are screaming like crazy and I don’t blame them. But I do have one issue with this house. The entryway looks like a jungle and there are for real live snakes in aquariums. Deal breaker. You can take a tour of the house at Oxygen.com cause I ain’t taking pics of snakes and you need to see the rest of the house to appreciate it.

Lea and Snout run thru the house and pick out their bedrooms and then head outside. Suddenly the yacht pulls up with the other four and this house has it’s own yacht slip.

I guess she’s the Welcome Ho.

Off the boat they scramble to meet and greet and Morgan tells us that she likes Lea and the fact that she’s all punk and if it weren’t for the fact that she herself is so pretty she might be punk as well. Aww, we all have our crosses to bear don’t we? Someone drown her please, like right now.

More screaming and running around the house and claiming bedrooms. Suddenly they discover a room with mannequins that are supposed to look like each of them and they have name tags. They realize they are missing a girl named Kristin and she’s blond so this automatically pisses off Erica who decides she should be the only blond in the house.

Well that’s one way to say howdy!

Speaking of Kristin, here she comes in a limo and she’s wearing a ring that says I Hate You. Back at the house we have the usual hatered of the last to arrive so the girls gang up and pull all Kristin’s covers off her bed and hide them. I guess they are hoping she is too stupid to know how to make a bed and will go home in shame. In this house, it’s possible.

As Kristin is getting out of the limo she tells us that her family thinks she’s crazy because all they see her doing is falling out drunk and partying and screaming and so she hopes that this will teach her parents that other people do this too…………..excuse me.  Ok I had to wait for the sharp pain in my eye to go away. Having said that I think I may like this dingbat.

I’m here to educate the parents of the world that all girls are drunken whores.

She has been named the Pageant Princess cause guess what? She’s won a lot of them. She tells us she is spoiled and her parents have a lot of money and she has a magical credit card that buys her anything she wants. She also tells us that her Mom told her that if she weren’t her daughter, she wouldn’t even be her friend. Ouch.

Kristin finally makes her sparkly way into the house and Danielle gives her a “you have cooties” hug. She flies around the house, ignores what was written on her mannequin slate and then the others come screaming at her with booze in hand like they love her.

Intro’s all around and then Kristin asks who wants to show her where her room is. Crickets. Someone finally says they have no idea and she decides to explore for herself. She’s barely out of the room when the cattiness starts. Erica has made it plain she didn’t want to live with a stupid slutty blond. Boy are you in the wrong house.

When Kristin is finally shown her bed, Lea tells her “they didn’t really take care of your bed”. Surprisingly Kristin is on to them and knows they did it.

Back in the kitchen Erica announces that she gave everyone in the house Hello Kitty rings. Kristin says she didn’t get one and Erica tells her thats because she annoys her and she doesn’t like her.  On and on she goes about how she doesn’t like her and she’s just saying what everyone else is thinking and suddenly Kristin throws her champagne in Erica’s face. In return Erica throws her drink in Kristin’s face.

Splash back!

Kristin then throws her glass on the floor shattering it and yelling at Erica “See thru top, ghetto jewelry……….” Erica tries to say something and Kristin tells her to shut her fucking mouth causing Snout to hop up and down with glee because she did not expect little Miss Thing to be so feisty.

Even Catnip has respect for Kristin now while Erica slithers off in shame lol.

Later in the kitchen more chit chat. Snout announces she’s from Inglewood and Morgan asks her if she’s angry? She says she is a psychotic stripper. Cheers all around for a stripper in the house.

Danielle decides its time to get changed and go out. Morgan says it’s only 10pm, way too early to go out in Miami. Everyone is getting ready to go to a club called Play. Except Snorgan. Kristin asks her if she’s ok and she says no, she doesn’t like it here. She further says that this is whack and the girls are ugly and want to go to Play at 10pm. She also says that she looks better than all of them and she is sure that we will all agree.

I agree that it would be wrong for you to be eaten by a shark. He would die of food poisoning.

She continues with her ridiculous ramblings and says that she feels that if she were to be seen with these fugs her stock would drop. Then she calls her boytoy to bitch some more about the horrors of living with ugly girls. This does not go unnoticed by Snout and Lea. They wish she’d shut the fuck up and stop bitching and moaning.

Her boytoy gets tired of it too and says this.

That’s code for “Bitch shut up.”

Lea and Kristin are in the kitchen discussing Lea’s boyfriend issues. Seems her boyfriend lives 2 minutes away and she is freaking out. Then she fesses up that she also has a married boyfriend and blah blah blah. They toast to no regrets and off they go.

Catnip is staying home too because her bags haven’t arrived from the airport yet. So that leaves she and Snorgan. I’d hide.

In the limo Kristin apologizes to Erica for throwing her drink in her face and they make all nicey nicey.

These girls are blitzed before they ever get to the club. And once there, Kristin makes it clear why her parents think she’s a drunken slut.

Bet Mom & Dad put that one in this years  Christmas letter.

Snout tells us that Kristin his getting buck nasty on the dance floor and she has never seen anything like it and she’s a freakin stripper.

That one goes to Grandma!

Kristin tells us that she’s drunk, she’s falling over but who cares? They are in Miami and having fun!

Erica takes her aside and tells her to take it done a notch or 4 because how she looks and acts reflects on them.

Back at the house Catnip and Snorgan are saying that the others are probably at the club fist pumping it Jersey Shore style. They would be right. Meanwhile Kristin is airing out the hoo hoo.

Definitely going in the family album.

They finally go to leave and some dude yell’s at Lea and Kristin takes offense and just when I think a big old fight is gonna happen it fizzles out. In the limo everyone is screaming and pissed at Kristin and they head home.

First thing Kristin does when she gets home is take her top off and jump in the pool. Then she bellows for her roommates who tell her how she acted is not acceptable. Kristin says she is embarrassed but Erica doesn’t buy it because she’s topless in the pool. She tells her she’s gonna give her a free pass this time but next time she’s gonna hit her. Kristin mumbles that she will hit her back.

Kristin tells us she thinks Erica is bullying her because she looks stupid and innocent.

Stupid yes. Innocent no.

The next morning Kristin wakes up topless in Snouts bed. Snout claims nothing happened, not yet anyway. Kristin should be hungover as hell but she is hopping up and down and screaming and shit. Hell I want to hit her. The other girls are still sleeping and yell at her to shut the fuck up.

Back to Snorgan who tells Catnip she wants to go out. She needs to escape and she doesn’t even know if she wants to be seen in public with them because she has an image to maintain. HATE.HATE.HATE.

Uh oh, Catnip,Snorgan and Kristin have snuck out and they are bonding. Snorgan is singing the same old tune about how boring everyone is and wah wah wah. Kristin tells her about Erica pooping herself because she was topless in the pool.

Back at the house the girls have taken Kristin’s wig off her mannequin and are making fun of her. Back to Snorgan, she’s telling us that everyone in South Beach looks like her so don’t be confused by what you see here.

The hatred is growing in both camps as Kristin tells Snorgan that Erica has an aura of hatred about her and she’s too fat to be a cheerleader.

I can’t believe ugly people aren’t against the law.

Back on the phone with Vadim, Snorgan’s boytoy, they decide he and his boys will come over and bring some food. She hopes a little penis in the house will loosen these bitches up.

Valium there has a serious nipple issue going on. And when she said “a little penis” I didn’t think she meant that literally.

Very little interaction between Snorgan, her three stooges and the others. Snorgan just bitches some more about how boring it is. Later in the pool, one of the girls asks Valium why he’s wearing his sunglasses at night. Cause he’s cool like that yo.

Where da hell am I?

One of the guys says since they are cooking, the girls can do the cleaning. Then he makes the mistake of saying the dishes are from Target and for some reason this sets Kristin and Danielle off. Meanwhile Valium has some shit that’s on fire and dropping to the floor and basically they are disrespecting the hell out of this house. Erica gets offended. Dani says this is her house for the time being and he’s disrespecting it. He makes some crack about how he’s sure her Mother wouldn’t serve Easter dinner on plastic plates causing Dani to repeat over and over, “And what if she did?”

Upstairs dani is still pissed and Kristin says “You have to look at it from his point of view. He’s a moron.”

Downstairs the boys are playing dressup.

At the same time, Lea is saying “I don’t want to hang out with guidos.”

Finally they leave and Catnip, Snorgan and Kristin are upstairs and they make some crack about Dani calling her “Dirty D”. And she hears it. She calls them on it. Snorgan tells her she’ll call her whatever she wants and when Dani leaves she follows and yells more retarded shit at her about how she’s jealous cause she gets more bleep than she ever will.  This turns into a house meeting of sorts where the only thing that seems to be accomplished is more hate for Snorgan.

Later Snorgan is asking why people call Erica Big Dog Rage. And she says it’s because she goes hard. This gives Snorgan the opportunity to tell us that Erica is a fat beast who should wear make up at all times.

Later Snout, Dani and Erica are saying they cannot live with this bitch one more night.

Inside Snorgan is talking to a club promoter friend and she wants a table for 3 even thought there are seven girls. He says he can’t see comping a bottle for three and she tells him he wouldn’t want the others there because they are too ugly. She says they aren’t from here, they are trashy and they don’t know anything.

Miss Pimples USA has no room to be talking about ugly.

Meanwhile a plan is brewing. Snout plans to wait until Snorgan and company leave and then pack up all her shit and throw it outside. Lea isn’t completely on board with this because she thinks the Bad Girl way to do it would be to do it while she’s there. I agree.  Snout doesn’t so it’s on.

As soon as Snorgan, Catnip and Kristin are out the door the mad packing begins.

Snorgan tells us yet again that tonight the pretty girls are going out because the fake four are too ugly to be seen with her.

In the limo praying they have a good time and that no one “pops off.”

Back at home the packing continues. And then they assault the mannequin.

And they’re not done yet.

They even take off her bikini.

My dreams of Snorgan being eaten by a shark may actually come true, sort of.

Yep they threw her ass in the bay. And then they came back in the house and tied tape around the one door that wouldn’t lock after putting her luggage outside. This my friends is where we came in.

Snout has someone spray bug spray on her so if one of them hits her it will just slide off. OK.

I’m ready now y’all!

When the limo pulls up Snout screams bloody murder for everyone to gather.

This is what greets them.

Inside the girls are laughing and outside Snorgan is losing her shit. Finally after pulling on the doors forever, Lea lets her in. She is automatically all “Are you serious? Are you guys freakin serious?”

Snorgan wants to know who touched her shit and gets all up in Erica’s face and screams at her “Why aren’t you saying anything you fat bitch.” I think Erica just shit her pants.

Oh yeah, there’s some poop stains in them britches.

More yelling and screaming and Snout tells her majority rules and Snorgan threatens to “swing” and Snout basically begs her to go ahead and FINALLY they start to have a semi fight on the stairs.

Wonder if that bug spray worked?

Now everyone is involved because Snorgan was gonna go fuck up their shit and they grab her by the leg and drag her ass down the stairs.

Make a wish!

And that’s how they leave us! I can’t wait for next week’s episode, if the previews are an accurate portrayal of what is to come, this is gonna be a badass season.

Love and Smooches,

Cherie