Whale Wars: History’s Greatest Battle

When we last left off, Admiral Paul Watson decided to play a game of chicken with the whalers. Even though  the Japanese factory ship is more than ten times the size of the Steve Irwin, he aims straight for it.

The whalers do not back down.  Both ships get closer, and closer, and closer…

Who…

Will…

Blink?

And Sea Shepherd wins!  Or, they seem to have won!  Because Animal Planet had Paul Watson say “That couldn’t have gone any better!” after some ambiguous edits!

I’m the best, arouuuuund.  Nothin’s eva gonna keep me down.

Captain Swift of the Bob Barker calls to check in, and see if the Admiral needs anything from them.  The Admiral does not.  Captain Swift may continue sailing behind them in support, while the Steve Irwin makes another attack run on the factory ship.

They swing around.  They aim for the whalers.  They begin firing the water cannon.

They close in.  Too far!  Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!

They give that same Paul Watson quote where he says you should make your enemies think you’re crazy.

“I thought about doing the monk thing, with the gasoline, but I should probably just have Chuck Swift do it.”–Adm. Paul Watson

Cut to the opening credits.

PART ONE

When we come back, it turns out the Sea Shepherd crew was so wrapped up in spraying the whalers they didn’t realize they were going to crash into them.  With Admiral Watson at the helm, the two ships fishtail dangerously close to each other:

They’re like six INCHES apart!

Miraculously, they do not collide.

We get some crew reactions.  Understandably, everyone was scared shitless, including Pete Bethune.  Admiral Watson was never in doubt, though.  “Didn’t even touch ‘em!” he boats.

Helpfully, Animal Planet includes some info explaining why Admiral Watson isn’t 100 percent batshit insane.

“When you have to parallAl” ships,” Watson explains to the crew, mispronouncing the word “parallel,” “The water pressure creates a buffer between them.  It’s like two magnets opposing each other.”

First Mate Lockhart MacLean supports his admiral, explaining to everyone that a “safe distance” in sailing is any distance as long as you don’t hit.  But in private, he says, “Most shipping captains are taught not to do that…Paul’s had a different career than that.”

But still.  Everyone else on the bridge is blown the hell away.

Now then.  Who wants to carry my seed?

Now their task is to continue following the whalers.  The narrator explains once again why.  They can’t really stop them from harpooning whales, but they can stop them from loading them onto the factory ship.  The factory ship processes ten whales a day, and since Sea Shepherd’s been stirring shit up for six days, that’s 60 whales and a shit ton of money they’ve lost.

So it’s the Steve Irwin following the Nisshin Maru.  The Bob Barker is supposed to intercept the other Japanese ships in case they go after the Irwin.

Here’s a visual:

For once Animal Planet put all the ships in the frame.  Hoo-ray

Meanwhile, they’ve got another surprise for the whalers.  Pete Bethune has been tinkering in the workshop again, but instead of setting the ship on fire like he did last week, he’s done something useful: his spud gun is now portable…

Boner

What will they be launching at the whalers?  Why, bottles filled with menstrual blood they’ve been storing up red paint!  And they’re gonna shoot the “Research” sign on the side of the ship.

The weather for tomorrow is clear, so everything is set for an early-morning assault.  There will be ships, small boats, helicopter…the works.

Tomorrow, we dine on blood!

PART TWO

And the battle begins.

The first step is to launch the helicopter so it can command the battle from the air.  But the Shonan Maru suddenly slows down to run alongside the Steve Irwin.

Now, the Bob Barker has to step in between them.  If the Shonan Maru’s water cannons were to hit the helicopter, it will be destroyed.  The idea is to cut across the path of the Shonan and force it off track…

The Bob Barker begins its maneuver.

And it works.  The Shonan Maru speeds ahead.

But as they continue setting up the chopper, they notice one of the Yushins is also closing in, on the other side.  And then the Shonan Maru slows down to come up next to the Irwin.

Aw, shit.  I forgot how they’re professional sailors and we’re making this up as we go along.

The Barker can’t block two ships simultaneously, and the helicopter is still five minutes from being ready.  Bethune readies the spud gun, but by then Shonan’s water cannon starts spraying the deck.  The pilot, Chris Aultman, gets on his walkie talkie and yells for the bridge to maneuver the ship away.

And they ask what direction.  So, he tells them, AWAY FROM THE WATER CANNON.

Bethune starts firing the spud gun.  Then, helpfully, Animal Planet includes a really quick shot of Admiral Watson saying, “I see no problem with defending ourselves” right before another shot of him FIRING A FLARE AT THE WHALERS:FMKLEJVO”WDKC{PVLDB}W|<VW<@E*^&!!!!!!

Again: LKWNF)WY_(U@E_R#!!KEK!RJDI!OD!!!!!!

PART THREE

Aultman keeps radioing the bridge to turn the ship away, and getting increasingly frustrated when they misunderstand him and stay on the same course.

Then Sea Shepherd comes up with ANOTHER sailing tactic.  Here’s another map…

So…many…maps

The idea here is the Steve Irwin will turn to the right and let the Bob Barker come up its left, which would let them block both Japanese ships.  I hope I made sense with that…Jesus Christ this is like a Tom Clancy novel.

And somehow, the Bob Barker cuts in front of both whaling ships.  How are they pulling this off?

This is being taken from the Steve Irwin…so the Barker is between that and the Japanese ah fuck it

Maybe instead of going blow-by-blow with all these maneuvers, I should have just summed it up by saying: “There’s a bunch of tense boat shit.”  Too late.  I’m not deleting it.

Now they can launch the chopper, which they do.  When Aultman gets up in the air, he’s stunned at the scope of the engagement.  Four Japanese whalers, two Sea Shepherd vessels.

I just noticed something very strange.  Two episodes ago, Sea Shepherd was up against FIVE Japanese whaling ships.  This is from that episode:

The Nisshin Maru, and behind the Barker are the three Yushin Maru’s and the Shonan Maru.

But now there are only four Japanese ships?  Where’s the fifth one?  I know it’s one of the harpoon ships, a Yushin, so…what the shit?  Theories:

a) The whalers decided having five ships was too expensive, so they sunk one of them and everyone on board.

b) Paul Watson did some murderin’.  Maybe clips are available as web exclusives?

c) Holograms.

d) They had to leave for maintenance.

Weird, Animal Planet.  Very weird.

Anyway, now that there’s enough space between Sea Shepherd and the Japanese, Admiral Watson orders them to launch a Delta boat.  Bethune will ride along and shoot his paint at the “Research” signs.

They launch it off.  Seems to go off without a hitch.  And they’re off…

Notice Bethune isn’t wearing a helmet.  “Yeah, mate, if it means suffering an easily preventable head injury to save the whales, count me in.  I’m a douche.”

They pull up alongside the Nisshin Maru.  Here’s what it looks like:

I just thought this looked cool.

The Nisshin Maru shuts off the port-side water cannons.  This gives the Delta an opening.  They speed around, pull up close, and open fire:

To be fair, this is probably mind numbingly difficult to hit

They speed around to the other side and fire some more:

While everyone is rejoicing over their paint victory, the Shonan Maru 2 has closed the gap between the Steve Irwin.  It’s coming up on their stern.  Admiral Watson maneuvers away.

So they order the Delta boat…to turn towards the Shonan Maru 2…i.e., the one that killed the Adi Gil…and try to “intimidate” them.  Here’s a look at the size difference:

They said the same thing to David when he was facing Goliath, Mr. Sarcastic Recap Man.  We love you, Jesus!

The Delta pulls up alongside the whaling ship, and starts throwing butyric acid.  The Japanese seem remarkably chill.  Then a couple whalers appear on deck.  They’re wearing some kind of backpacks connected to some kind of guns…

I bet they’re not even eco-friendly!

Everyone starts to freak, except for Bethune.  “Pull in closer!” he yells.

Soon the whalers start shooting.  Some kind of fluid is coming out of their weapons?

They don’t explain what that is in this episode, but I hope is whale’s blood.  That would be the coup de grace of dick moves.

“But not too close!” Bethune yells.

PART FOUR

Everyone’s wondering what’s in those guns.  Pepper spray?  Rubber balls or bean bags or some other crowd dispersant?  The narrator recaps: “The Japanese have just fired two shots from a mysterious weapon,” he says in an accusatory tone, as though this is the first minute of the series he’s ever watched.

One of the Delta crew is pissy about it: “There are FOUR of us in an open boat.  I don’t have anything to duck behind.  If something hits me in the head it could knock me out!”  Bethune continues not to wear a helmet.

Of course the only thing to do is to get your own gun and fire right back.  Those jerks!

But the plan was successful, because now the Shonan Maru 2 is off-course.

Bethune still intends to board that ship, apparently.  He got a good look up close.  It seems they’ve abandoned the parachuting idea and are now going to sneak him up to it and cut a hole through the nets.

In the meantime, Captain Swift decides to try to prop foul the Nisshin Maru.  Except they’ve been up to some mischief in the lab, and now they’ve got a super prop fouler:

The most advanced piece of shit ever built

It’ll sink in the water once they cut it, so they have ONE SHOT.

They run it in front of the Nisshin Maru, and cut it free.  Everyone anxiously looks on.

PART FIVE

Nope.  They missed.

By the way, the fouler weighed about 2,000 pounds and was lined with a bunch of metal, so it’s sunk.  Awww.

Well, they’re still not killing any whales, the Sea Shepherd crew tell themselves.

It’s the end of the day now.  They’ve got to bring the helicopter back in.  One of the whalers is in the area, so the Bob Barker moves between it and the Steve Irwin for protection.  They manage to land the helicopter without incident, but they still have to disassemble it and stow it away, which takes about twenty-five minutes.

One of the Yushin’s closes in.

Watson orders the Delta boat to intercept the Yushin Maru 1.  The Delta turns around and heads straight for it.

Bethune launches some more acid at the whaling ship.  Then.  They try to speed out in FRONT of it…

FINALE

But it turns out fine.  They just pull away from the Yushin.  Animal Planet was just tickling our collective balls.

The helicopter is safe inside the hangar.  Now the Delta boat can return, which it does.  Bethune rushes onboard the Irwin. He’s so STOKED.

The day is over.  Sea Shepherd is winning, at least for tonight.

Two more episodes, people!  See you next week…I think they’re finally gonna get Pete Bethune on that whaling ship!

Merry Christmas!

Saint