Work of Art Recap: Kitschy-kitschy Coo!

Welcome, ‘Gasmii, new and old, to the second season of Work of Art!!  I remember last season with great fondness. I went into it thinking, “This is going to be a bullshit trainwreck—HOW is there a competitive reality show about art??”, totally expecting to hate it, expecting it to fail. Instead, the show was well-planned, and we ended up having this really thoughtful television experience and critical thinking collective every week. Frankly, it was awesome.

And now we’re back!

The show’s following the same format this season, and so am I.  That is, I don’t profess to be an art expert. We know I’m not. And while I have excellent Google researching skills, there’s a LOT going on here and I’d never get a recap written if I researched everything—which is why I need you to step up.   Basically, I’ll recap the show and draw a rough sketch of how things went down, and y’all will help me flesh it out.  That worked great last year, so let’s do it again!

My biggest question this year, honestly, is how they’re going to come up with a dozen new challenges for the artists.  But art is about creativity, and this show is about art, so…I’m sure we’ll be okay.  (But really, don’t you think there will be some repeats?  I kinda hope so! What were your favorite challenges from last season?)

The “parent” group of judges and host is basically the same this year. China Chow hosting, with Jerry Saltz and Bill Powers providing the critiques at judging (with one guest judge every week). Our BFF Simon de Pury is also back to provide his best Tim Gunn advice for the artists. “Be bold, be brave, be amazing!”  Yay!  We lost the crazy face Jeanne Greenburg Rohatyn or whoever. No idea why.

Yay! My three dads and an older sister!

Jerry was always such a curmudgeon, and we all remember how he had his favorites last year, right? (Ahem, Miles and his concrete assholes.)  Let’s see if he’s able to hide his subjectivity a little better this year.  And, ya know, lighten up. Though, really, his pissy-faced dogged interrogations every week make me laugh. I’m so glad I’m not on this show!

There’s an additional prize this year. Not only does the winner get $100,000 and a show at the Brooklyn Museum, they also get a cover story in Blue Canvas magazine. I admit I know nothing about this magazine, but I’m guessing this part of the prize is a big deal. Like, people who are big in the art world who possibly eschew television (or just Bravo) would also get exposure to the winner’s artwork.  Hmm.

All right, enough of the preliminaries, let’s get to it!

Brooklyn Museum!  How ya doin’?  The artists arrive in twos and threes, looking each other up and down, looking for each person’s self-portrait.  Oh, you can tell so much from the self-portrait. Some of them are so cool and show off a lot of creativity and plain ol’ talent, and some are just stupid.

First up is Quinoa.  I mean, Kymia. (I swear she said “quinoa”!)  She’s got short bangs, cat-eye wisps of liquid eyeliner, and big earrings.  Her bio video shows her dancing to someone’s human beat-box techno stylings in a hallway, but Quinoa says she’s very dark.  We see a few of her pieces, and I see what she’s saying. There seems to be a lot of sadness in there, with sad eyes and dark clouds. So, she’s depressed. Cool. Next!

Then there’s Sucklord. Wait, he just corrected me, “THE Sucklord.”  Real name Morgan.  As I said in my mini-cap, I was prepared to think this guy was a self-important jerk douchebag, so I rolled my eyes when he walked up.  The thing is that he actually IS a self-important jerk douchebag, but he MEANS to be. It’s genuine. There ain’t nothing I love more than someone being genuine. He’s committed fully to this duality of being a total dork with irreverence for just about everything, and I love it.  A few of you said he looks like Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory or Jimmy Fallon. Agreed, and add a touch of Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing in there.  Yeah?  Anyway, I can’t see me liking his artwork a lot, but I like his presence. I hope he sticks around for a few weeks.

Dusty’s up next. He’s the mini-mulletted guy from Arkansas.  He doesn’t bat an eye when The Sucklord introduces himself, probably because he’s scared shitless about being in NYC. He’s from a super-tiny town in Arkansas, where children dance on gift shop porches like ghosts in a creepy movie about paranormal shit.  Seriously, that home video was frightening.  Anyway, Dusty is an elementary school art teacher, which is adorable. His self-portrait is done in crayons—where a bajillion crayons are affixed pointy-end out on a board in a color pattern that—hey!—looks like Dusty.  That’s cool.

Our next contestant is Ugo, a line artist from Paris. He’s a pretty handsome guy, and he strolls through the museum in a giant gray scarf.  He does line art that’s all complicated and whatever, but it looks familiar. We’ll come back to that. The Sucklord looks at Ugo’s self-portrait, which is some generic line-art nonsense, and says, “Where’s your face?”   Now, we could certainly argue that a self-portrait doesn’t necessarily need to show your face, but he’s right. It’s just line art bullshit, not a self-portrait. It stinks. It’s not even interesting!  Ugo, though, thinks it’s really awesome, since it’s like a stream of consciousness thing for him. That’s great. Go masturbate somewhere about it.

Quinoa, The Sucklord, Ugo, and Dusty go around looking at some of the other self-portraits.  They’re confused by the portrait of some naked Asian guy, standing dripping wet in a room with a bedridden patient and another person in a wheelchair.

And right on cue, a clothed version of that naked Asian guy walks up. That’s Young. They ask him about his self-portrait, and it turns out those people in the room are his parents. They had terminal cancer (his father has since passed, aww), and his bio video shows him walking into their room, dripping wet and naked. I guess they got used to his artist antics at some point and are like, “Whatever, son.”  Young’s work looks like a blend of hyper-realism and fantasy. Like, taking something very real and tipping it sideways. This could either be really cool or really dumb.

I should note, too, that most of the artists in this batch come with many accolades. Like, each bio has a list of stuff they’ve won, important places they’ve shown, yadda yadda.  So, I think the “artist cred” is a little higher this year, maybe. That’s great, but I kinda like when they bring in the small-time talent who blows everyone away.

Back to meeting people.  Jazz-minh is next. Ugh, born on a hippie commune, has a hippie commune name. I’m just gonna call her Jazmin, okay?  I have a lot to type, I gotta cut corners somewhere. Y’all know who I’m talking about. Her self-portrait is a grainy-ish painting in either oil or acrylic. I’m most impressed with how she painted the hair. I did a self-portrait for a silly art show a few years ago, and I painted the hair like an 8-year-old would (working in acrylics). Like, I have reddish blonde hair, so I made a big hair-shaped block on top of a face-shaped block, and I colored it in with reddish blonde colored paint. It’s awful. I tried to paint in my highlights, too, but that meant big brushstrokes of whitish yellow. Jazmin, though, has got hair-painting skills. Her other works prove it. She’s totally hippie-dippy, but I’m into what she puts out. (Non-sexually!)

And then we meet Lola. She’s got the 80’s teen romantic comedy hat on, carrying a striped straw bag. She might as well have a sunflower peeking out of the bag, ugh.  The Sucklord introduces himself, and you can see sparks between them right away.  Can’t you?  Her self-portrait is of her carrying a chair or a sculpture up some stairs. The Sucklord asks about the burden, and she’s like, “Well, I wasn’t being that strategic about it.” I like Lola.

The group is looking at a self-portrait of Blossom holding blood and guts. Blossom herself walks up (my BF thinks she looks more like Lisa Loeb), and she explains her interest in visceral tableaus, which she creates using dough and sugar. Oh, they’re exploded jelly donuts?  Cool.

Then we meet Leon, the deaf Malaysian guy. His interpreter, Bill, will apparently always be on hand so Leon can communicate. I hope Leon can read lips a little bit, too, because there’s a lot of the world you can miss when you rely on someone else to convey everything to you. I don’t care how awesome Bill is.  Anyway, it’s rough being a deaf kid in Malaysia. His parents apparently didn’t think much of him, and then he got a scholarship and his parents were like, “oh shit!”  His self-portrait is painted on a wall in the subway system of NYC (for which he got permission).  It’s created from a grid of black lines on the tile, and it’s actually pretty cool.  Another artist is pretty interested in it…

…because he’s the “street artist,” Tewz.  Tewz is his street artist name, and while he is super-proud of the street artist thing, he’s also got a pretty academic resume behind him, too.  His art isn’t at all one-dimensional, which I appreciate. He’s got a few different styles, so it’s not like he’ll only ever do graffiti tagging stuff. His self-portrait is made of cut-up baseball cards from his childhood.  The Sucklord likes it.

Then there’s this head made of paper. Like, a million painstakingly crafted slips of paper folded and rolled and bent into shape, which forms a big ol’ woman’s head.  It’s really amazing, honestly.  This is Michelle. We see some of her other work, which is all done in the same way, all that paper. What she does with it is amazing, but I hope she’s able to branch out just a bit, because it IS one-dimensional, and I just got done insinuating that one-dimensional is bad.

There’s some stupid self-portrait of a million little cut-out photographs of this one girl’s head, all in different expressions, hung in a party banner style. There are TWO banners of heads, too. It doesn’t work for me, and I think less of Sarah for making it. She’s the most generic brunette on the show so far.  Generic Sarah.

Then there’s Sara Jimenez, who’s definitely NOT generic. She’s got a big weird head and too much eyemakeup, but it works for her. It suits this slightly-fucked-up vibe she gives off, which comes out as mostly-fucked-up in her art. She works in ink drawing with watercolor, it looks like, with these whimsical human shapes in weird proportions with weird appendages. I kinda love it. Whoever in the mini-cap comments likened her to Peregrine from last year, I totally agree. I think this may be my favorite style of artwork, honestly.  Where there’s an element of realism I can cling to, but then it goes all crazy.  I wish any art I’d ever done came out even half as cool. (It doesn’t. I am not very creative or talented.)

Our token black guy for this season is Bayete, which I keep misremembering as Bayonet. His bio video is of him arguing with himself (Phoebe and Ursula style), and then his self-portrait is a photo of the two of him arguing with each other. It’s not creative or interesting, but you know Bayonet THINKS it’s creative AND interesting. BF thinks he looks like that guy from De La Soul. Then he Googles it to show me a photo, since I can’t remember anything from 1990, and I’m like, “oh yeah, he does!”  (I just Googled them myself, and that’s awesome that they won a Grammy for working with the Gorillaz on “Feel Good Inc.” I love to run to that song!)

Ya know what I like about all these introductions?  The Sucklord, going around and talking to everyone, asking ‘em questions. He seems genuinely interested in everyone, and he wants them to talk about themselves.  That’s really cool to me. I hope he doesn’t end up being a gigantic asshole.

Oh, there’s China and Simon de Pury!!! Holy shit! Like I said in the mini-cap, when they walked out, I got a little verklempt. Simon gives a little speech, ending with his bold, brave, amazing speech, complete with squint and gravely gusto.  I love it.  Oh, then Simon mentions The Sucklord by name, mentioning off-hand that he’s purchased and auctioned The Sucklord’s work before.  That’s, like, automatic cred. Anyone who’s dismissed him already better re-evaluate. I’m not saying he’s got a free pass or anything, just that he can’t suck THAT bad to have gotten this far. Ya know?

China and Simon want to show the artists where the winner’s solo show will be held.  “Enjoy the art!”  They all walk in, and, whoa, what IS all of this?  It’s some ugly stuff, that’s what it is.  Most of it is that faded stuff you find at the Goodwill behind some non-kitschy coffee mugs and ugly lamps.  Weird collages and paintings and stupid sculptures all over the place, hung like it’s all “art.”  (To someone, it is. And to that someone, I say “sorry.”)

The contestants mill about, not sure what to do about this.  What should they say?  Is this serious?  Oh, there’s that painting that was above the couch at my best friend’s parents rental shore house back in 1988. Cool, I wondered where that went! There’s a velvet painting of a wizard, and The Sucklord is all, “That’s not a wizard, that’s Gandalf.”  He’s all about Gandalf.

Oh, hey, it’s time for the first challenge.  And that challenge is to take one of the pieces of “art” here and turn it into art of your own. They’re to make sure an integral piece of the original art is in their final work, though. So no taking one button off of something and doing your own whatever, then saying, “oh, here’s that button!” They’ve got however many hours tonight and an hour tomorrow to finish up, then it’s gallery time!

Alright, GO!  Everyone scatters to find the piece they want to rework. The Sucklord (SL) goes for the Gandalf piece, of course. I worry about that, though. Just because you LIKE something doesn’t mean you can make good art out of it.

It looks like there’s more than enough for everyone, so it’s not as much of a “mine!” “no, it’s MINE” grabby time as I thought it might be. Some people have a really clear idea of what they want and they hustle for it, but others just kinda take a few things and put them next to each other, trying to decide what they want to do.  I worry for the 2-D artists who picked up a sculpture. That’s a leap.  (And there’s a very buried pun for you, because I’m referring to Tewz, who picked up a frog.  Frog. Leap. You’re welcome.)

Ugo picks a flat wood carving of some peacocks and some trees, which is covered in gold paint and slapped on a red background. It really does look like art from a Chinese buffet.  He picked it because it looked most like his style.  Well, isn’t the point to take something that is NOT your style and make it yours?  I sense a failing in Ugo’s selection.

Anyway, let’s head over to the artists’ studio, shall we?  It’s a big space, and this time, all the supplies they’ll need are on-hand.  Like, there’s a big wall of paint and pencils and paper and glue and all of that.  Everyone brought stuff they usually like to use, too, I guess. There’s a wall of computers for those who need to use Photoshop or whatever.  They’re all set!  I won’t miss the trips to the art store to buy paint and bobbins.

And now they get to work, for real.  Some of ‘em definitely have a plan and get right to work executing it, like Quinoa. She picked some weird sculpture of a woman holding a baby, or something, and she’s adding clay to it to make it a “creature” protecting another creature.  Eh, seems pretty basic. Generic Sarah is slicing up a cat sculpture, and Michelle is turning a wooden totem pole with an eagle on top into a grave marker. (She’d been in a hit-and-run accident last year, so death is pretty meaningful to her right now.)

Are we taking bets on how long it takes for her to want to negate the male gaze?

Everyone’s in coats, I guess it’s cold in there. I’d LOVE that. It’s always too hot, everywhere!

Some flounder a little with their ideas, like Bayonet. I’m looking down at something else when he starts speaking, and I’m like, “Wait, is that Abdi?”  No, not Abdi.  But can you imagine what Abdi would do with this challenge, and with this piece Bayonet chose?  I bet it’s better than what Bayonet comes up with!  He’s got this weird 3-D thing with a white woman’s face with big black curly hair (actual hair), and whatever. It’s very Gone with the Wind. He uses all the lingo when he talks about deconstructing it and addressing issues of race and identity, but I don’t think he knows what he’s saying.

Lola’s another flounderer. She tells us that she moved a lot as a kid, her mom was a gypsy, and as a result, her process isn’t very smooth. She chose a small 3-D painting of mountains and a mountain house, with some trees, and she has NO idea what she wants to do with it.  She’s sketching out a few things, playing with paint, but nothing’s coming to her.

Dusty the Mullet took the creepy clown painting, and he’s incorporating it into a photo of himself, which seems like dangerous territory. Don’t pull an Erik!  Ugo is working on a line-art-as-therapy something.

Quinoa is over at Leon’s station—he’s the deaf guy. He’s signing and Bill is speaking, talking about his piece.  It’s some weird wreath of baked goods or something, flowers and children. Leon says it’s very earthy, and he wants to elevate it, make it heavenly.  Quinoa nods. And this is about when my heart breaks a little for Leon. Sure, he’s doing great for himself as an artist, but it’s gotta be really hard to be completely deaf and rely on a translator.  Like, in the world, but also in this competition. There’s so much chatter going on, people having fun or bouncing ideas off each other, and he’s missing it.  Maybe that’s a good thing, though?  I don’t know, I guess we’ll see.

There’s probably a riot going on behind him, and he’d never know. Sad face.

Jazmin’s got some weird embroidery painting of an old farmer dude stealing birds. She recruits Lola to pose like the old dude, and then she takes a photo. That photo will soon become the basis for a painting that looks a lot like the old dude stealing birds.  I’ll reserve commentary until we see how it turns out. Oh wait, they just did!  They showed the entire thing being done in stop-motion fast-forward, and it looks cool!  That hair, Jazmin does hair so well. Oh, but there’s that finger-mustache tattoo.

So, The SL is working on his Gandalf thing, and he’s pretty much just going to turn the painting (which he thinks is already pretty perfect) into an action figure diorama.  I don’t think that’s going to win him the competition, and I actually kinda hope it doesn’t send him home. I bet the judges won’t like it, if it ends up like I think it will.

Ugo’s working on his peacock/bird thing, using his own style.  He brags about working free-hand, putting in code and hidden meaning. He thinks a lot of himself.  Tewz is laughing to himself about Ugo, because he can see the Keith Haring-ness of it all.  And then I wonder if Ugo’s going to be able to do anything else BUT Keith Haring-esque stuff?  Doesn’t seem like it.

Tewz is working on something with his frog, something about making it look like the frog cloned himself or something. I don’t really get it, but he’s making frog skeletons out of clay and wiring them up to something, so that’s fun.  We’ll see!

We spend about two seconds learning about Blossom Blood n’ Guts’ piece, which is taking her original artwork (some beige-y painting with shards) and turning into something that looks like a body part exploded, then taking a photo of that.  Next!

This girl is intriguing but I think she WANTS us to think she is, which makes me less intrigued.

Young took the painting of some dogs playing checkers or cards or whatever. Not the famous one, some really crappy copy of it.  He tells us that the painting is very “social,” and so he’ll do something “performative” with his interpretation, an installation piece where he becomes one of the dogs and interacts with the audience. This is a personal bias, but I really kinda hate performance art unless it’s STREET performance art, and then only when it’s not in my way. I know, I’m a bitch.

Simon comes in, it’s time for some guidance!

He stops by Bayonet’s table first, and he doesn’t like what he sees.  There are dollar bills being tacked onto the piece, and Bayonet copied the white girl’s head and made a jet-black version of it. He’s telling Simon about “cultural hybridity” and “co-modification of beauty.”  These sound like made-up words, and the red squiggly lines under them don’t help. But then I Google them and get lost in a sea of critical thought, so I quickly back away.  Okay, they’re words, but does Bayonet really know what he’s talking about?  Anyway, Simon thinks Bayonet is doing too much and being too obvious.

Meta!

“Simon, you’re not listening. I’m trying to explain why it doesn’t suck.”

Lola’s still struggling, and Simon tells her he’s worried.  Not helpful, but thank you all the same!  The SL isn’t really elevating his work at all, which concerns Simon a little, but he knows The SL will get it together.

Lisa Loeb consults with Simon about her blood n’ guts. There’s not much to say about it, but Simon kinda back-hand compliments her by telling her, “You have your own thing going on here,” to which she nods.

Next, Ugo. Simon doesn’t pull punches, mentions Keith Haring right away. Ugo says he’s proud to call his work his own.  Simon’s like, “Yeah, great, just be careful that you’re not too Keith Haring-y.”

Well, there’s more stuff going on in the studio, but I’m getting tired and this is getting long, so let’s just kinda migrate to the gallery show. (I have to remember my inherent strategies from last year to keep my recaps from being 800 pages long. I hope it comes back to me!)

Oh wait, they have to go home first.  Home is no longer the Beaverhausen. Instead, it’s The Dillon. (Which one, Matt or Kevin? Har har.)  For whatever reason, they make a big deal out of Tewz and Young rooming together, since Young is gay.  Both of them have something to say about it, and I’m sure that’s producer-driven, but whatever.  I’m sure Young isn’t going to try to suck your dick in the middle of the night, Tewz. And Young, do you really need to talk about it?  Probably not. This is a non-issue, moving on.

Okay, it’s the day of the gallery show.  They’re taking that hour to finish everything up. Michelle says she hasn’t been this nervous since that time she took an STD test. Ha!  Lola has a bunch of little pieces of stuff she made yesterday in a fog, but then she puts them all together and moves stuff around and sees her art emerge.  Ah, good, she made it.

Oh, wow. Bayonet put jail cell bars over the collage.  Cuz it wasn’t obvious enough! It’s this point in the show where I start to be convinced that Bayonet is going home this week. And then I’m like, “No, they can’t send the black guy home first!”   Then they show The SL’s piece, and I’m like, “No, they can’t send my favorite guy home first!”  Seriously, though, The SL’s Gandalf action figure is stupid and it’s too derivative of the original painting. It won’t win, and he might go home for it. No!

In the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment this week, Ugo waxes poetic about women, and the women wax poetic about how hot Ugo is. Then he’s like, “oh shit, the French guy’s talking about women, damn it!”  Ha!

And now for the gallery show! The guest judge this week is Mary Ellen Mark, a renowned photographer. I have to Google her because I’ve never heard of her. Oh cool, she’s from Philly!  Her work focuses on photojournalism, and taking a quick peek at her portfolio, I’m impressed.  She’s a weird looking woman, but what artist isn’t?  (Well, male artists aren’t weird looking women. OR MAYBE THEY ARE?!)

People mill about, they look at art.  There’s not usually a whole lot to say about these things.  The really interesting stuff happens at the crit.  Anyway, Abdi’s there, which delights me, and there’s Sarah Jessica Parker (exec producer).

Yay!

Jazmin is worried that the judges will fault her for the jeans or shirt not being painted to look wrinkly enough, and meanwhile, Bayonet is over there with some magazine cutout nonsense.  I really like her piece, and I like that the painting of Lola is done with exaggerated realism but the birds themselves are cartoony.

I don’t understand Generic Sarah’s cut-up cat.  I don’t get Tewz’ frog either. And Young’s performance piece makes me uncomfortable. If I were at that show, I’d avoid him entirely. I’m not at all a fan of Leon’s work, but SJP tells him it’s “very, very nice” with a big smile. Is she catering to his disability, talking down to him as though he’s a child?  He’s smiley, so it’s probably easy to do by accident. I worry for Leon.

Generic Sarah

Tewz

Young

Leon

Quinoa

Dusty

Blossom Blood n’ Guts (Kathryn, I think?)

And the show is over. Ooh, I forgot that they do this!  They call out six names, with three being in the top three and three being the bottom three.  And every time, I guess who’s who.  Usually it’s easy, but sometimes it’s not.  This week, they call out Michelle, Lola, Ugo, Sara Jimenez, Bayonet, and The Sucklord. I know Bayonete and The SL are in the bottom three, and considering the rest, I guess Ugo’s in there too.  And I’m right!  Michelle, Lola, and Sara are in the top three.  Woot!

Everyone else is safe and they head back to the studio.  This is the part I did NOT like from last time. Why can’t everyone stick around to hear the crit?  Some of the others did some interesting stuff, and they could probably benefit from hearing the judges’ thoughts, what they’re paying attention to.  In this way, the two from the bottom three who DON’T go home get an advantage next time over those who performed passably the week before. Ya know?

They talk to the three best artists first. And first is Sara Jimenez. They love that she changed from a sculpture to a painting, and they love the ethereal quality of it. Sara has a huge head, by the way.  They ask if it’s a self-portrait, and Sara answers that parts of her are definitely in it.

Next is Michelle, whose piece was that big eagle totem pole, which she painted white (gray?) and turned into a tombstone. She made a giant skeleton out of paper, with paper weeds growing up through its bones. And there’s a painting of a blue sky with fluffy white clouds behind it all. I didn’t really think this was a winning piece, but whatever. They ask if the piece is person, and it sure is. She briefly mentions the accident, then explains that she feels now that living life is actually a great privilege.  That’s awesome. Ugo looks unimpressed and anxious, though. He doesn’t yet know that he’s in the bottom three.

And Lola is the other winner, which we already figured out. Her use of concrete and brown is what reminds me of Nicole from last year, I think. That, and the super-messy top-knot bun bullshit.  Anyway, she explains her piece, the title, her gypsy youth. The judges love her mix of materials, the wistfulness of the little house on a scrap of paper. I liked the piece, too, so I’m glad she’s at the top.

Oh, and there’s a winner, and it’s Michelle. Jerry compliments her work with materials, and now I wish we saw a closer shot of the work. What am I missing about it? I thought Lola would win. Well, whatever, that’s cool, I’m happy with her winning, I guess. She’s immune next week, phew.

The bottom three, then, are Ugo, Bayonet, and The Sucklord. First critique is to Bayonet.

Bayonet’s work was poorly constructed and obvious. He thinks it’s racially charged, but the judges are quick to point out that it touches on a racially charged TOPIC, but the piece itself isn’t charged at all, not with anything. Bayonet thought it would be visually captivating, and Jerry contends that Bayonet created “a prison of meaning.” You can tell Bayonet doesn’t really understand (or want to understand) what the judges are trying to say. He thinks that because he’s talking about race that he’s being edgy, that he’s pushing buttons, and they’re telling him he’s doing it badly. He can push buttons and be edgy in a much better form.  (Or can he? Time will tell.)

Ugo’s turn next. He looks miserable. The judges think all the layering was overkill, and he’s quick to agree. China Chow mentions the Keith Haring derivation, and Ugo nods.  Then he’s like, “There are secret messages in there,” and no one cares. He tells China her name is written in there, and she’s like, “I’m going to find it,” and he’s all, “I hope it takes you five hours.”  Ugh, stop being deliberately secretive for show.

Time for the Sucklord’s critique. He’s pretty honest in telling them that he took something crappy and 2-D and made it crappy and 3-D. Jerry says, “You made something that is NOT art.” The SL agrees, but he defends it, saying it’s in “his style.” Jerry doesn’t know what style that is, so SL tries to explain it. Basically, he knows he blew it and he’s trying to save himself.  Jerry hates it all. It seems pretty clear that it may actually be Sucklord going home this week, but then!  Then.  Guest judge Mary Ellen Mark says she likes it!  Jerry looks like he wants to punch her. Sucklord says something about having another chance, and Jerry asks him why he should even GET another chance.  SL looks at his piece and is like, “Ya got me. I might die.”  HA!  Well, at least he’ll go down with a sense of humor!  Bill Powers grins at it all. He gets it!

So now the judges will sit around and say just a little bit more of the same stuff they’ve been saying at the critiques.  So, there’s not much to add.  They just need to decide who’s going home. Whose run has the least potential?  Bayete’s piece was straight-up nasty. There was nothing redeeming about it.  Ugo’s piece had no heart, no creativity, was entirely a copy of Keith Haring.  The Sucklord didn’t really DO anything for his piece. He didn’t add or change anything, even though he moved it from painting to sculpture.

Wow, I never noticed how yellow Jerry’s teeth are. Were they like that last season, or is he having a secret health crisis? It’s also really funny to watch him grit his teeth and bite his tongue about Mary Ellen Mark liking Sucklord’s wizard thing.

It’s almost time to send someone home.  First the judges have to come up with pithy, scripted zingers to put the bottom three artists in their place.  “You took on some charged subject matter but had nothing new to add to the conversation.”  “You tried to convey your own language, but it came off like you had nothing to say.” Ugh.

So, Bayete is going home, right?  No!  It’s Ugo!!  Wow, that was a bit of a surprise. Then again, when you have one note and one note only, you’re not going to go far in a talent competition. Goodbye, Ugo. I bet you’re not really doing all that well with art!

Oh wait, before he goes, Ugo removes the red background. Oh, his piece is slightly better, but still, he’s one-note. And he’s leaving.

Next week/this season:  There’s a trash-pile challenge, there’s boobs, there’s a romantic interest with Lola/Sucklord, there’s a deaf guy giving us the finger, there’s Simon kinda freaking out a little bit, there’re tears, and it seems like there’s more in-fighting with this group than there was before. I hope that doesn’t fuck it up, cuz I liked when they were all supportive (yet competitive).

So, I hope you stick around. Watch the show every week, then come back here for commentary and discussion. Maybe there’ll be a few laughs, too.  This IS TVGasm, after all.