It’s another peaceful morning in the Middle Class Ranch House. Erica is “mowing” the lawn with her seeder… and wearing silken PJ’s and fur.
Do us all a favor and mow that weave.
She thanks Leanne, the VIP who gets to assign chores to everyone this week, for letting her have the chore to mow the lawn again this week.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to kill something from nature.
She then declares that a lot of guys will marry her now that she knows how to mow the lawn. Here is where I think she’s mistaken. If we’re going to get into gender roles… mowing the lawn is the man’s job. So what good is it if she mows it? Hello! What she needs to do is learn how to COOK. That thought has recently occurred to me: that I need to learn how to cook if I want a lot of guys to marry me. Furthermore, Erica really does NOT know how to mow the lawn, because that is NOT A LAWNMOWER.
You could learn to do stuff, or just get a less odious personality and stop wearing uggs.
All the other girls seem to have decided to do their chores for whatever reason, because they all seem to be doing them, even while bitching about it. Pam is vacuuming. Amber is cleaning the kitchen. Jacqueline is doing the laundry (lucky). Courtnee is cleaning the bathroom, while Gia watches. Jess is taking out the trash.
Just in case you guys need inspiration to stop late night bingeing.
Gia’s job is to make the beds. She took this chore because it’s the easiest. That would be my strategy too, yo. However, she doesn’t do a very good job of it. She refuses to touch pillows, because people might have spit at night.
She considers this bed “made.”
Erica is hanging out in the VIP suite, getting ready with Jacqueline and gossiping about the other girls. The camera then brilliantly pans over to Gia saying “Erica, if you are going to talk sh*t about people, can you at least do it behind our backs so we don’t hear you?” HAHAHA!! That was pretty funny.
Leanne has awful extensions. That is all.
Enter: Life Coach Laura. She is here to tell them what this day is all about. Chrissy is not yet ready and does not join the summit until later, when it’s convenient for her.
According to LCL, this week they are about to learn what it means to earn money. First order of business: write their resumes. Erica’s dad’s secretary usually types her stuff up. But Gia reminds us that her Dad isn’t here. This part reminded me of Clueless. Remember her Dad the lawyer?? Erica’s Dad is a “successful” plastic surgeon, but other than that, it’s the same thing.
Isn’t my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.
Of course, none of them brought appropriate interview clothes with them into the house in their big, pink duffel bags. Speaking of which – where are those? I really liked those bags. Gia refuses to do this exercise.
Or any exercise. Like, ever.
Everyone else gets to work on their resumes. Jess reveals that the “employment history” section is especially hard for her, because she has been fired from 90% of her jobs.
“Called first boss the c word and stole moisturizer samples” is kinda hard to type on one line.
Erica seems to think she is the resident expert on resumes and spelling. She claims that she is in law school. I would like to know WHAT law school she “is” “in.” Some internet law school or something?? She has been making claims of being in law school since her days on “The Bachelor” reunions.
The girls struggle to turn their computers on and type. But somehow, with Erica’s help, they manage to get the job done. Erica does mention that Leanne’s resume is as bad as her hair extensions…. which is pretty bad. Leanne adds some volunteer work to her resume. She used to volunteer at the American Cancer Society — and now she smokes a pack a day.
Gia refuses to use her pretty fingernails to type up her resume and kiss the ass of someone she could care less about.
Good to see Martin Short working.
Off to the job interviews they go. They interview with some creepy looking guy (Steven) who seems to have had a bad face lift. Erica reveals that her career aspirations are to be a hot Judge Judy or Nancy Grace.
So you’re saying Judge Judy and Nancy Grace aren’t already hot? Get out of my office!
She doesn’t need to put in as much hard work as they did, because she is so much prettier than them. She also has a hard time fitting in at law school, because none of the other students are interested in keeping up their appearances. I am thinking that she has a hard time fitting in at law school, because she IS NOT IN law school. I want to hear the NAME of the law school before I will believe she is actually in law school.
As long as I keep wax around, no one will ever see my true six foot long unibrow and I will be gorge til I die.
Chrissy walks in and assumes Steven already knows who she is. She reveals that she makes her living by being hot and beautiful. When Steven asks what her back up plan is for when her looks fade, Chrissy brings race into it and says “black don’t crack” meaning she will be beautiful forever. I don’t know… I think she has a point about black not cracking.
I invest (deposit) my (dad’s) money in banks (Dress Barn).
During Pam’s interview, the mystery deepens about what she actually does in investment banking. Steven asks if she’s a trader… Pam evades the question. Steven asks what her TITLE is… Pam again evades the question and says she has no title at this point… she is just learning alllll about the office. What the hell??? So WHAT is she?? Did she go to work with her Daddy one day on “Bring your daughter to work” day? Are the other girls right about her, that she works in kiosk or coffee stand on Wall Street?? So bizarre and we better find out the answer to this mystery before the end of the series, or I will have no “returns” on all my time “invested” watching this show. Get it??? HAHAHA!!
I refuse to wear a hairnet over these gorgeous speed bump bangs, k?
Jessica reveals that it’s just not worth it to her to put in so much effort and energy to make seven or eight dollars an hour. Well, yeah. Nor does she deny Steven’s accusation that she is lazy.
Those poor notes are getting tortured.
Jacqueline’s career aspirations are to be an “actress or singer.” She even does a rendition for Steven. I guess if we take a minute to think about it — she IS working towards her acting dream by appearing on this TV show. Right??
Another of Chrissy’s life skills? A walk that makes you go DAY-UM.
That walk is amazing. You should try that in the center lane of a busy freeway.
Gia refuses to go to the interview, instead opting to age her skin even worse by sitting in the sun and smoking a hooka.
If Jessica Tandy was still alive, you could get a job as her stand in.
Another day dawns at the MCRH. Life Coach Laura shows up to give them a personal wake up call. Today, they have to WORK. They have to learn how to support themselves if they are ever going to “make it” in the real world.
Today, we will plug the hole and stop the oil spill. YAY!
Uhmmm…. I would like to take this moment to say that in the REAL WORLD, you do NOT get a personal wake up call by some hot lady in a business suit carrying cups of coffee for you. HELLO! In the real world, you better get your ass up when you hear your alarm clock. And you better get your SELF some coffee. Jealous!!
But then again, in the real world, you’re probably not sleeping three hot rich girls to a bed. Not jealous!!
That girl is giving birth to a CD.
Gia says she’s willing to work as long as she is not disrespected. Hello! Isn’t that the definition of working??? Being disrespected?? Doing stuff for money?!
Keep that up. Poor thing would look like Bert and or Ernie without proper eyebrow maintenance.
Chrissy can NOT be rushed and continues to get ready on her own time. The mini vans leave without her and the girls go downtown to “Matisse” for their first day working in the real world.
I hope we get to go to another one of Omarosa’s fake houses.
Their boss, Michael Katz (what a great last name) spoke with Scary Facelift man, Steven and has assigned them each a job based on their qualifications.
Congrats! You’ll all be greeters at Wal-Mart.
Leanne, Courtnee and Pam will be working in the office due to their efficiency and organizational skillz.
Jacqueline’s singing ability and good voice has landed her a position in sales along with Jessica. HAHAH!!
Gia, Amber and Chrissy are assigned to inventory. Sadly, Chrissy isn’t there. So it’s just Gia and Amber.
I think I got this gig cuz of how I blew bubbles in my chocolate milk at the interview. I worked hard on that.
And ERICA is going to be the manager, managing them all. For no apparent reason…. but she seems to believe it’s because she is “in” law “school.” There is NO competition when it comes to intelligence, according to Erica. But didn’t she just tell us she is only worried about keeping up her looks and not actually studying???
Jacqueline says that she feels like a glorified telemarketer, making cold calls all day to sell shoes. Well, I’m not sure why she feels glorified??? That’s not a glorified telemarketer, that’s pretty much a straight-up telemarketer.
Also, I can’t help but sort of like Jessica, despite her bluntness, crassness and rage issues. Oh who am I kidding? That is WHY I like her. I find her straightforwardness pretty funny. Maybe I should move to the East Coast.
Pam will be stuffing envelopes today. That is her task. And it’s very “main-dune.” HAHAH!!??? What??? By “main-dune” does she mean MUNDANE???!!!!???? Or is this some new lingo among the kids that I’m not aware of?? She says that she should be doing something more challenging. Maybe trading equities on Wall Street? She IS an investment banker, y’all.
That envelope glue is totally wetting her lizard tongue.
Leanne is forced to lick envelopes all day. Wtf? She inquires if they don’t have an envelope moistener to help her get the job done and is shut down. I mean, that IS pretty ridiculous to LICK things closed with your tongue. What the hell??? I would have gone to the bathroom, gotten some wet paper towel and done it that way. I hate the taste of envelope glue!!! Nasty!! And isn’t that how George Costanza’s fiance died? It’s dangerous!
Gia and Amber are stuck in the warehouse, shuffling shoes. Not sure how Amber got stuck with that task. Gia got stuck there because she didn’t bother going to the interview, as Amber pointed out. Gia is extra-pissed that Erica is her manager.
What PA wrote this for her?
Erica struts around with her bad hair extensions, taking notes and checking in on all her subordinates. Leanne happily stuffs envelopes and tells Erica to get lost.
Erica then heads over to the telemarketing department – Jessica and Jacqueline. Jacq is using her natural vocal skills to make her calls. Jess is having a harder time getting the hang of it. Erica listens in to her call and advises her to be less abrasive. Jess says she is in SALES and is supposed to be abrasive. Yeah!!! Stay abrasive Jess. That is why I like you!
Buy these shoes or I will kick you in the throat, bitch. There is that better?
Down in the warehouse, Gia is so angry she can’t even remember the alphabet. The job is worse than giving birth to her daughter. Naturally the appearance of her supervisor, Erica only riles her up even more.
That back is all class.
Also – what’s with the bra strap showing? Is that like supposed to be considered ok because it’s black or something?? I don’t get it.
Erica rubs it in everyone’s face that she is “in” law school. OMG Erica! Stop!!! No one believes that you are actually going to law school or doing ANYTHING with your life, other than being on sh!tty reality tv shows that get their first run dates pushed to Mondays at 11 AM!!!
So first I have a question. What was it like working with Glenn Close on Damages?
Erica has a little pow-wow with Manager Michael Katz. He advises that being a manager is not about being confrontational, but rather about somewhat being a psychiatrist. Oh too bad, Erica is not in psychiatry school.
Erica heads back down to the warehouse to try out her little mind games on Gia. It’s not taking, of course. Gia continues to deny that Erica is her manager. Even though… uhm.. she IS.
So Leanne definitely has the worst hair extensions. But Erica’s are bad too. You can totally tell where her hair ends and where the extensions start. She sneaks up on Jessica, who’s making a sales call and scares the sh!t out of her. Jessica calls her a demon seed. I wish that I could call people I worked with demon seeds when they pissed me off!
Down in the warehouse, tensions escalate as Erica tries to tell Gia she is “proud” of her. Haha!! Jessica chimes in with Gia. Erica tells them they both need anger management. Boss Michael Katz makes an appearance to break up the cat fight. He confirms that Erica is in fact their manager, spurring Gia to quit. Y’all, she TRIED to work, but having Erica as her manager was just too much. I also wish I could just quit when I didn’t like my manager.
Jessica runs out to comfort Gia and see if she is crying. Gia is NOT crying, she just does NOT take orders from anyone. Jessica puffs on some cigarettes.
The girls line up to receive their paychecks. Seventy dollars a piece! Less for Gia who quit in the middle of the day — fifty.
Back home at the MCRH, LCL has set up a mobile spa in the backyard. They get to use their paychecks to choose which services they want. How is this the real world??? In the real world, you do NOT get to spend your entire paycheck on spa services!!
The highlight of the mobile spa is watching Jessica get so turned on by the spray tan. She is so excited. Fortunately, she has seventy dollars, which is exactly how much the spray tan costs. She instructs the worker that she wants to be dark, but not TOO dark or orange. Since she is short, if she gets too orange, she will look like an oompa-loompa and be sent straight to Willy Wonka’s Factory!!
HAHAHA!!! Jessica, I did not notice this until you pointed it out. But now that you have mentioned it, I AM noticing how short you are. You are right to be diligent about not getting too orange so as not to be mistaken for an oompa loompa! HAHA! Also, what’s with the porno music playing during the spray tan?
Gia’s a broke bitch and can’t afford most of the spa treatments with her fifty dollars. Leanne states that it is RIDICULOUS that she has to choose between a facial and a pedicure. No! What’s ridiculous is spending your entire paycheck on spa treatments!
Sorry but a new face costs more than 70. Do you want a facial?
Erica gets a facial because she has a few zits.
Wait. Not even eyebrow wax? I NEED EYEBROW WAX!
Chrissy shows up in the backyard and is summarily turned away because she has no paycheck to pay for any services. She thought maybe they’d make an exception for her special ass, but she was wrong and denied.
Later, inside the house…. cat fights break out… for no apparent reason? Erica is bitching to Leanne in the VIP suite about how Gia and Jessica just do NOT respect her authority and she can NOT figure out why. I will help you understand Erica — it’s because you are ANNOYING!! You constantly talk about how you are in law school, and everyone knows it’s not true. You can not just keep it real and chill, you are obsessed with thinking that you are smart and beautiful and rich. Stop trying to be Paris Hilton!! That ship has sailed.
Erica says she cannot HELP it that she is the most accomplished girl in the house and was thus given the manager position, which made the other girls jealous. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if your defense is ever “they are just jealous,” that’s a pretty good sign that YOU are the one with the problem and not other people.
The highlight of the fight was when Jessica told Erica that she is just as big of a bully as she and Gia are! HAHAHAH!!! Hilarious to put herself down while she is trying to put Erica in her place. Love that!
Life Coach Laura notices that Jessica’s anger keeps getting the best of her. Laura decides to pull Jessica aside to find out what is REALLY going on. They have an intimate one on one.
Am I the only one that was slightly turned on by Life Coach Laura? It’s not that I’m gay… I don’t know what it is. Look at the compassionate gaze.
Laura says that Jessica has a WALL up. I want someone to tear down my walls. Jessica reveals that her personality changed after her Dad died suddenly of a blood clot in his lungs. She became less trusting and less soft. She feels alone in the world now.
LCL says this is understandable of COURSE, but Jessica is only hurting herself in the end with this anger and hostility. Jessica agrees and says she will try to change. Actually, she didn’t say that… but I’m sure she meant it. Maybe they just edited that part out.
Summit time!!! Time to discuss progress, house issues and who is “on track to graduate the program” and who “isn’t.”
Laura is proud of everyone for learning their lessons. Except Chrissy of course. Chrissy takes all the heat for not participating in the lesson and everyone seems to forget that Gia ALSO did not bother to show up for the interview.
I’m sorry. Can I have some eyebrow wax now?
Chrissy again brings race into it and says that because she is black, she can NOT just get up, shake her hair and be ready to go. Therefore it is NOT her fault the mini vans left without her and she didn’t go to work that day. I’m not sure that’s a black thing, Chrissy. I think it’s just a GIRL thing. I can’t shake my hair and be ready to go either. I guess some girls can though…. so maybe you’re right. But it’s not about being black. Most girls don’t have luxurious hair they can just shake and be ready to go.
Gia rolls her eyes and agrees with me – it’s just because Chrissy takes FOREVER to get ready and can’t be bothered to get up when she has to, NOT because she is black. Chrissy says that she is hot and fabulous, no one else is, and honestly, they need to wait on the star.
Jessica was dreading today, but actually feels it turned out well. She did a good job and found making her cold sales calls “fulfilling.” Leanne is proud of herself for licking envelopes. She didn’t know how hard it was to earn seventy dollars. Before, she would spend it like that — no question.
OK I totally get it. Sorry. Eyebrow wax. PLEASE.
Despite all this growth, the ladies can’t seem to put aside their differences and stop squabbling. Erica goes ON again about how she is in law school and had such a great interview which is why she was chosen to be manager. Gia rolls her eyes again and says she can’t stand Erica, who is one hundred percent annoying. Erica should have cut her some slack. After all, this was Gia’s first five minutes organizing shoes. She does not even organize shoes at her HOUSE… how could she have known how to organize shoes w/in five minutes on the job? OMG! You can’t stack and organize shoes??? What the HELL?? Get a brain! Erica offers a lame, fake apology that Gia does NOT care about.
Life Coach Laura reveals who passed and who failed.
Some of you passed, some of you failed, but at the end of the day you’re all failures. Let’s hug!
PASSED: Amber, Pam, Jacqueline, Courtnee, Leanne, Jessica (despite the whole rage thing), Erica (despite the incessant reminders of being in law school)
FAILED: Chrissy (for blowing off the lesson), Gia (for quitting on the job site)
VIP (Very Improved Princess) award this week goes to: ERICA! For taking the lessons seriously, helping people with their resumes and showing the ability to change once Michael Katz gave her the psychological suggestions.
Hey! Get that old lady out of the crib!
After the summit, Gia has a melt down. Erica parties with some of her bitches in the VIP suite and Gia is freaking out and crying in her bunk bed. She then freaks out in a big way and storms out of the house hysterically as Jess warns that people should NOT follow her.
This part was really weird. I think Gia was upset about something else, something they weren’t showing us. Who cares if Erica is VIP? I want to know what Gia was REALLY so upset about. Something doesn’t add up for sure. But it was still fun to watch Gia melt down and storm out. Is it wrong that I’m jealous of her little short shorts? She has a nice figure, let’s be honest… even if her face is tore up.
Coming up next week: the girls are photographed without their make-up. YES!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! I can’t wait to see this. They are so fake looking, have so much fake hair and make-up, etc. I think this is going to be a really good “lesson” for them all to learn. I hope they make Leanne take out her horrible extensions. This should be good!!!!