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Yes, Gasmi. Paris Hilton is STILL around. Apparently, it’s not enough for Oxygen to keep shoving Tori & Dean down our throats, desperately trying to make/keep them famous, now they wanna infect our t.v.s with this skank, too. Jeez. Is she seriously not tired of the party scene yet? Is she seriously not tired of being in the spotlight yet? Is she seriously not ready to settle down and have a hubby/family yet? Hell to the no. BTW-she’s, like, almost 30 I think. Pathetic. Either way, I’m excited to talk shit about her for the next couple months, how bout you? Let’s get to it.
Ok. After just going through all that, we open with a montage of Paris VOing that all we know of her is the party girl, sextape (I added that), etc. But she’s thinkin’ it may be time to say goodbye to all that, and hello to being a wife and mom and blah bullshit blah. Oh, and she states that yes, she’s almost 30. So. Sad.
Post-montage, we begin with this drama:
I’ll get to her attire in a second.
Paris has yet another stalker/break-in to whine about. She calls mamma Kathy, and tells her “Did you you see the news? I’m so scared I just had to get out of there.” Mom tells her to get her ass over to the house. Paris tells us, “I mean, am I on a website for weirdos and stalkers?” No, bitch. You’re a fame-whore who annoys everyone in America, wears a towel on the balcony to locate your stalkers, talks in a baby voice, still thinks loving the color pink is cool, had a sextape, and you drive this car.
So no, hate to break it to ya. It’s not cause your “So HOT”. Ugh.
Oh, and she told us that she lives in a gated community with tons of surveillence, and the best security, so I’m not sure what the problem is. Then how exactly does her house keep getting broken into? We’re 25secs in, and I’m already COMPLETELY confused.
So, Kathy asks for the scoop. Paris tells her that the dude was staring her in the eyes with a “psycho look”, and he told the police he would “do whatever he had to do”. He’s in a psyche ward now. He had bought a “Star Map”, hiked through the mountains, and found her house. I hate this show already. Mom asks “What are you gonna do?” Paris is at a loss.
Might I suggest realizing you’re almost 30, and quit acting all “Paris Hilton-y”? Anyone? Crickets? NVM
They discuss what to do next. Paris says she WILL NOT go back to her house, even to get her things (didn’t she just say the psycho dude is locked away?), mom agrees, and they acknowledge that she is welcome to stay there, but she needs “her own space”, which translates to mom asking Sister Nicki if P can stay there. Not one part of that conversation made any sense, but I’m feeling that we will get used to this pretty quick. I just think it’s funny that Sister Nicki will say no to P staying there unless Mom asks. Wonder why. More on this later.
Paris then decides to be a total asshole by making herself something to eat, purposely making a massive disaster of a mess for her mom to clean up. She’s totally doing it on purpose for the cameras cause nobody is that sloppy or clumsy, and I’m moving on cause it’s pissing me off. I’m assuming she thinks this is cute. It’s not. At all.
We’re then treated to Mom K’s dog raping P’s dog. It’s funny, and P acts really concerned by verbally freaking out, yet just standing there with her hands on her hips watching.
I would love to make a “Paris is a slut” joke bout this but A) It’s way too easy, and B) There will be plenty of time for that later.
Time to move into sis’s house. I guess Nicki is out of town, which is perfect, cause it allows P to completely redecorate.
Oh, and P introduces us to her assistant (to assist with what?), aka her Bitch, her name is Lexie, and P thinks she is more-so around cause she wants to be P’s friend. I’m assuming this isn’t a huge problem for P, cause she hasn’t gotten rid of her.
Now it’s time to “break it in” (“it”=her new diggs) with a visit from her 3 besties (aka-castmates). They are as follows:
Allison, major club promoter, fellow party-girl. Yawn.
Jen, close friend, and personal photographer. Shocker.
Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen’s ex, temporarily newly sober.
Sorry. Coming from a recovering addict, that was uncalled for. But it had to be said. Bless her heart (that’s what us southerners say to justify saying something mean/out of line). Moving on.
This scene is annoying/disturbing on multiple levels. First of all, the girls want mixed drinks, and Lexie is expected to make/serve them. She points out that she’s not a bartender, and the girls mock her and try to make her feel stupid. Anyhow, the girls end up with drinks (Brooke with water-good girl), and the others ask her if it bothers her if they drink in front of her. This is all good and well, except they aren’t asking out of real concern, they are just trying to cover their assess to avoid appearing insensitive. If Brooke actually said “Yes, actually. I’d appreciate it if you guys could hold off.”, they’d be like “Whaaaa?”. Of course she says it’s cool, so whatevs. Lemme just clarify that MY problems do not involve alcohol. I just didn’t want those of you who read my last SR re-cap to be thinkin “That hypocritical bitch just said she went out this weekend for drinks!!!” My point is, others can’t be expected to change their lifestyle because someone else has a problem, but don’t act like you’re concerned that your behavior might negatively affect the addict, when in actuality, your a dickhead who wouldn’t do different either way, get it? I hate them all. That is, until Allison refers to Charlie Sheen’s as a prostitute, only to be corrected by Lexie that she is a ”porn star”, instead. You see, Lexie, in addition to P’s “assistant”, works as writer for porn. Excuse me-BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOVE IT!!!!!
My fave castmate so far. And BY far.
Paris says “My assistant writes porn? What’s next?-My gardener is a stripper?” Wow. Good one, P. (Insert eyeroll here). You see, this REALLY bothers P. Why, you ask? Get this. You’re not gonna believe this shit, you guys. Paris is concerned about how this will affect her reputation/image. Yes, this broad is gonna pretend like that “reputation” of hers is A) Somehow salvagable, and B) Will be negatively affected by her “assistant” writing porn on the side.
Newsflash Paris- There are already multiple people in the world who would like to murder you for various reasons. I seriously doubt your assisstant writing for porn will negatively affect your “appeal” (or lackthereof) any further.
P even refers to her area of concern as “The message I’m sending”. Sheesh. This is all a little late for me. “A little” as in 8 or 9 years too late. Anyway, solutions anyone? How about fire her if it bothers you so much. Nope. P opts to plan on yelling at her mom for finding Lexie, and talking shit about her instead. I’m making a promise to you, Gasmi, that if this dumb, self-absorbed, braindead twit does even ONE sensible, pro-active, or intelligent thing during this season, I will personally write her an apology letter for my recaps (this, and future). I’m serious. Alrighty. Time to meet P’s BF, Cy.
Anyone else’s fingers crossed that he’s a douche? Are the Gods that kind?
She tells us he lives in Vegas, but flys in multiple times a week to spend time with her. He’s trustworthy, honest, and blah boring blah. So, we already know he’s too good for her. That’s not saying much, since Carrot Top would be too good for her, in my eyes. She tells us she’s totally in love with him. Uh huh.
First order of business is for him to tell the group some story about how a Dude came to his window with a huge knife in each hand, forcing him to pull a gun on Dude. That’s all we get of the story. We’re not told where this happened, if P was with him, why Dude did what he did, or what happened after the gun was pulled. Thanks, Oxygen. The first interesting thing we’re exposed to on this shit-show, and you leave out all the deets. WTF? P declares him “My hero”, so I assume Dude was after her with the knives (which would tote make sense, since America is trying to murder her). All in all, BF wins points with me, cause he made it a point to say how awkward it felt to pull a gun on someone, as opposed to pretending to be some bad-ass who “handled shit” without fear.
Time to club!!! Montage of dancing/laughing/drinking, while Paris VOs all about how she wants to change her image. Thanks for that Oxygen editors.
6am, and Lexie wakes P up to go do her community service. P tells her to “Suck a Dick”. What was that about your image, P? After fighting tooth and nail, P finally gets up. She tells us that the community service she is required to do (200hrs, to be exact) is a result of “a little incident in Vegas last year”, and she tells us it “sucks balls”. She would know. Helping other people sucks!!! She has like 5mins to get ready, and she’s spending it whining about how some dude she used to blow in the Le deux VIP date is all of a sudden blowing her phone up. Lexie (and the rest of the world) tells her to delete the msgs/him, get over it, and get her fucking ass in gear.
Community service. The chick who runs whatever organization P’s doing service for tells P that although she is not volunteering by choice, her service is greatly appreciated. P refuses to even take off her shades, much less acknowledge the chicks kindness and respect by responding. When handed the t-shirt she must wear while working, she proceeds to give the chick all kinds of shit, then VOs some insult reguarding said chick’s sweatshirt. I’m refusing to acknowledge what a colossal piece of shit Paris Hilton is as a human being, cause I’m assuming I’d be wasting my breath.
She has to paint over graffiti. She gives her fellow workers crap as well, and even asks if she gets double the hours cause Lexie is helping. No, bitch. She starts complaining that she might get paint on her “Loubitan’s”, and I have officially chosen to skip this scene before my psyche implodes, and I become a vegetable for the rest of my life.
No words. I have no words.
Brooke’s house. Ok, I was tote on B’s side….till now. She has an assistant, too. Again, to assist with what? What company is she the CEO of? What does she need help with? I can’t get over these reality “stars’” need for an assistant. Someone help me out, here. Anyhow, her assistant is, spoiler alert, her best friend. Ya know, since that situation always works out so well. Oh, and P makes it a point to tell us that the two besties used to hook up. Who cares? Brooke and her bestie/assistant/lesbo-lover have a heated convo that basically consists of the bestie/assistant/lesbo-lover having nothing to do (assist with), Brooke telling her she sucks and she feels that she’s paying her just to be her friend, and bestie/assistant/lesbo-lover promising that she’s doing her best to assist with the non-existent things there are to assist with. No lie. That’s the convo’s content. Brooke is just not getting it. They finally come to an agreement that instead of “assisting” from 9am-10pm, bestie/assistant/lesbo-lover will work from 9am-5pm. This is all sorts of pointless and confusing.
Back home from a “brutal” (as referred to by P) workday, which entailed 2hrs of whining. Paris is gonna take a bath while Lexie seperates her fan-mail into three piles. 1) Charity (ya know, since P loves doing selfless acts for the benifit of the less-fortunate, as we saw today), 2) Superfan-mail (prob 4 letters), and 3) Psycho-fans/stalkers, which she likes to read the most. Yes, she actually said that. This girl is a walking contradiction.
Mom Kathy shows up, and automatically starts bitching at P about the horrendous condition that her sis’s house is now in (which is reaaalllly disgusting and messy), and P could care less. She completely changes the subject to the fact that Lexie writes porn. She tells her mom that it’s 100% her fault, therefore, it’s her responsibility to “fix it”. Mom agrees.
So, Kath calls Lexie in for a “talk”. Said “talk” consists of her asking Lex if she’s gonna keep doing the porn writing, Lex telling her hell yeah, then Lex somehow convincing mom that “I write the storyline, and they do what they want with it” is somehow different/better than her writing for porn. Seriously.
Never appoint a person wearing a ribbon on her head to “handle your dirty-work”. I’m just sayin’.
Mom concludes “Oh, so you’re not actually involved?!” Lexie is like “riiiiight”. We now know who P got her brains from. P still isn’t ok with Lex working for her, as well as as a pornwriter, but she aint gonna say shit, so that’s that.
Time to shop. Paris is meeting Brooke. Brooke brings along her assistant/bestie/lesbo-lover Kristin, and P is NOT happy. Brooke is all kinds of apologetic, and claims K invited herself. P tells us that they call attention-seeking leeches (like K, I guess) “Hungry Tigers”, and “Kristin is the worst/hungriest of them all”. Cut to Kristin COMPLETELY ignoring the paparazzi/Paris/camera crew, while quietly shopping on her own. P loudly tells Brooke about the dude/ex who’s been txting/calling her, Brooke tells her to ignore him (ya know, since she’s taken already by a great guy), and P “shushes” B, cause she doesn’t want Kristin to hear. THEN SHUT YOUR OWN GD TRAP, IF YOU DON’T WANT THE “HUNGRY TIGER” TO KNOW YOUR BUSINESS!!! In order for P to be calling someone a “Hungry Tiger”, you’d assume she would have given this person a chance, only to be betrayed at some point, correct? Well, Brooke tells P to give K a chance, cause she is super loyal and knows how to keep her mouth shut. Sooooo, clearly, P is still an asshoole, and just doesn’t like this Kristin chick cause she wants all her little minions to herself, to worship her, no? We all agreed? Good. Moving on.
Paris decides it’s time to “handle” the Lexie situation. Paris has decided that this is such a serious matter, that is must be discussed in her office. Ugh. She tells Lexie that she’s concerned by what she does, because of what she went through, and she felt so violated by that experience. Her Paris- I feel violated by your existence. Lexie is hilarious, and acts all surprised, saying “Omigod, I didn’t even think about that!” Haha. I mean, really. Would you take this seriously?
P tells Lex that she must choose to work for her, or to write for porn. Lex is a bit caught off guard. If I was Lexie, I would laugh, punch P in the face, tell her to fuck off and die, then leave. Lexie’s decision? Who the hell knows? That’s the end of the scene.
Paris and friend Jen (the photog) go to a gallery. Ruh rooooh….Cy has found out about the guy who has been calling/txting P, and she has apparently been calling/txting back. She goes into one damage-control attempt and failure after another, and they are as follows:
1) Deny/lie completely.
2) Minimize by going on and on about all the wonderful things she told the guy bout Cy.
3) Play the “I can’t help it if people are obsessed with me!” card.
4) Cry and whine “Why are you doing this to me!?”.
5) Bully him with “Why are you going through my phone!?”.
No such luck. The girls come up with the brilliant idea to go get the phone so he can’t go through it. Awesome plan, ladies (insert groan here).
Cy gets in the car with Paris. Big fight. I guess Cy actually ended up talking to the guy on the phone, and found out that they (guy and P) were talking about sex. Then they argue about whether the term “hooked up” means “had sex”. She says no, he says yes, and I say when you are talking to your BF reguarding a guy you’ve just been caught having sex convos with- NO!!! ALWAYS NO!!! Paris then decides to make the situation a lot better by saying, “Do you KNOW how many guys have claimed to have had sex with me?” Hahahaha! Anyway, Cy just wants her to stop lying to him, she tries to cry but can’t, he actually does cry, she says he should know she wouldn’t cheat on him, he’s all “how would I know that?”, and that’s pretty much it. How do we fix these situations? GIRLS’ NIGHT!!!
Brooke asks P to be nice to Kristin tonight. P says that K just “gives her the wrong vibe”. Cut to Kristin asking Brooke why P doesn’t like her, and Brooke saying “She says you give her the wrong vibe”. K’s all “What does that mean?” Exaaaaactly. Finally they’re like fuck this, and K goes to ask Paris herself. For the “Hungry Tiger” of the group, Kristin seems to be the only one with a bit of maturity. Hm…interesting.
Kristin is basically like “WTF?”, but in a really nice, adult way. P says she just doesn’t trust many girls. K just tells her that she doesn’t expect P to trust her right away, but they need to try and get along. P just hugs her, then VOs that she’s annoyed by all this. So are we. Cy shows up. They go outside to talk. Cy says he’s going back to Vegas tonight, and P responds in her most obnoxious baby voice “Don’t gooo.”, complete with her bottom lip poked out. He tells her she shouldn’t be txting the guy back. And get this!!! I guess the guy asked P out on a date, and she said she’d think about it!!! OUCH!!! Her response? “I only told him that so he’d quit txting me!!! LMAO. I SWEAR TO GOD THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!! Cy is like “How will that get him to stop txting you?”. She deflects with “Did you read what I said about you?”. He’s all “No, but I read the ones where he’s talkin’ shit about me.”. She’s like “He’s obviously just jealous”. This is the craziest shit i’ve ever seen, ya’ll. He just stares at her, speechless. She baby-voices “I’m sah-wee. I wuv you.”, then tells us that her baby voice has always gotten her what she wanted, but it might not work this time. He just tells her “no more” (as in “quit doin’ stupid shit”), and she agrees. Fight concluded.
Aaaaaand scene! Wow. What a first episode, huh? I don’t even know how I feel right now. So many emotions. Mostly anger. LOL.
This season, P continues to torture Cy (and the world), Brooke relapses and has zero support system amongst her “friends”, Allison yells at everyone, and they all go clubbin’. A lot. Phew.
How do you all feel? I’m dying to know what you thought about this show, and your hopes and dreams for the remainder of the season! Dish it, People!!! LEMME KNOW WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND!!!!!