A Very Special RAW

[by c-godd, you can read his blog at http://copygodd.blogspot.com]

(Before I get started on this week’s recap, I just wanted to say a special thanks to everyone who left comments last week. The response was positive enough that J-Unit and B-Side have agreed to make this a weekly gig. Hopefully, B-Side will soon regale us with heroic tales of his WWE internship…)

Tonight’s very special episode took place at the Mohegan Sun Arena. Evidently, as Kurt Angle would point out later in the evening, the Mohegan Sun is located on an Indian reservation. It’s good to see the Native Americans haven’t been seduced by the white man’s love for sports entertainment.Chris (Y2J) Jericho opened the show, talking a lot of smack about Cena’s performance in the Battle of the Bands last week, saying, “That wasn’t rap, that was crap.” Obviously pleased with his mad mic skillz, Jericho added, “That wasn’t hip-hop, that was hop on pop,” and “That wasn’t phat, that was scat, as in animal doodie, like from the tail of a rat.” This is why Jericho’s band never lets him write his own lyrics.

Next up was Shelton Benjamin and the Big Show versus Snitsky and Chris “The Masterpiece” Masters. I think both Jerry “The King” Lawler and The Coach have serious man-crushes on Masters, as it was a verbal sparring match to see who could get their tongue further down the back of Masters’ trunks. The King took the lead by saying Masters’ is “more magnificent than the smile on the Mona Lisa.” But Coach took the gold outright by saying he couldn’t wait to unlock Masters’ heart and give him the happy ending he so rightfully deserved, despite losing the match.

Speaking of taking the gold, with Eugene’s stunning upset over Kurt Angle in last week’s Angle Invitational, this week it was Eugene’s turn to hold a contest for Angle’s Gold Medal.

Prior to the match, rumors were swirling as to the identity of Eugene’s first “special” opponent in the Eugene Invitational. Names mentioned most often included a handicap match featuring “The Sunshine Strikers” from The Surreal Life, Constantine Maroulis, and, not surprisingly, based on her performance in Riding the Bus with My Sister, Rosie O’Donnell. But when Angle’s music kicked in, we knew Eugene was in for a very special ass-beating. Proving he’s not as dumb as his storyline, however, Eugene refused to fight Angle because he knew he was actually from Pittsburgh. Angle pointed out that the Mohegan Sun was on an Indian Reservation, and asked what hometown hero could possibly be from there, “Tonto?” Faster than you could say “Hi Ho Silver, bitches!” Tatanka’s music kicked in, and he war-danced his way down to the ring. Tatanka’s costume consisted of a headdress and a loincloth, so you know he’s an authentic Native American. I’ve never seen Tatanka wrestle before, but I hear he was popular many moons ago, before the white man introduced the “two-firewater minimum” to the casinos. The match ended, however, when Angle interfered, and vowed to make Eugene’s trip to Pittsburgh next week a “very special one indeed.”

Next, we were treated to a backstage powwow (ah, more Indian humor) between Y2J, Carlito and Eric Bischoff about how the three of them will ensure Cena loses his title tonight. Jericho’s foolproof plan? He’ll count really, really fast. As Carlito would say, that’s cool.

Vince McMahon came out to make his very special announcement: Wrestling is fake! He also revealed Julie Chen is a robot, OJ is guilty and Hulk Hogan didn’t really play guitar in the video for “I Am A Real American.” (Nor is he as big as the St. Louis Arch, despite photographic evidence to the contrary.)

Actually, his special announcement was twofold: One, tonight was the 636th episode of Monday Night RAW, making it the longest-running weekly entertainment show in history. He wanted to thank the fans, but decided instead to thank himself instead. “It’s alright to thank yourself every now and then,” he told the crowd. “It actually feels pretty good.” He went on to add that it’s alright to spank yourself every now and then as well, and that sometimes that actually felt pretty good too. Although not as good as having one’s grapefruit-sized cojones massaged by an underage illegal Haitian hermaphrodite. (As if there were any other kind.)

The second part of his special announcement was that Matt Hardy is coming back to the WWE. This was somewhat of a letdown, as Matt Hardy is to excitement what Janice Dickinson is to super-modeling.

As I sort of explained last week, Matt Hardy is part of a bizarre love four-cornered geometric shape between he, Lita, Edge and Kane. Tonight, Matt told a very surreal tale of love in the squared circle. Evidently, Matt says he and Lita, whose real name is Amy Dumas, were an actual couple for six years, and that her marriage to Kane on RAW was fake. SUMMER OF SECRETS! But while he was home recovering from a serious knee injury, Amy/Lita started having a real affair with Adam Copeland, better known as Edge, who on the show was one of Matt’s best friends. So now Matt is coming back to fake wrestling to avenge the loss of his real girlfriend to his fake best friend. Or something like that. More interesting was Matt’s comment that the only thing that would make him “more happy” than personally ending Edge’s career is if Edge were killed in a car accident before he had the chance. (If Vince McMahon really had grapefruit-sized balls, he would totally have Edge killed in a car accident this week. That would rule!)

Val Venis, a former porn star, then fought Rob Conway, a former top. The “Conman”, as he’s now calling himself, explained that from now on things would get done “his way, the Con-way.” (Get it? Cuz his last name’s Conway?) Evidently, the Con-way involves dressing as the sixth Village person, as his new costume featured a leather cap, sunglasses, sideburns and trunks made of leather, studs and fishnet. Oh well, whatever floats the Con-boat.

A special segment on HBK’s career was up next, built around a spoof of an interview Hulk Hogan did with Larry King last week. All I can say is that it was horrible, brother. Oh, and Shawn Michaels with a fake mustache looks surprisingly like an effeminate Nick Nolte, brother. Try sleeping tonight with that image in your head, brother. Brother. Brother! (And…scene.)

The RAW Diva search continued. After last week’s Hot Dog eating debacle, what form of culinary humiliation would the Diva-hopefuls be subjected to this week? Tying cherry stems with their tongues? Deep-throating the Mighty Igor’s kielbasa? No, this week the contest had nothing to do with food. Instead, they played a game of Queen of the Mountain, which was basically a dumbed-down jousting contest straight out of American Gladiators. Promoting his new film, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Rob Schneider served as special guest referee, who warned the ladies to “try not to be distracted by my boner.” Ironically, this is the same advice Ralph gave his kitchen-mates in Hell’s Kitchen last night, and you saw where that got him.

Finally, it was time for the main event: a title match between the WWE Champion John Cena and the Intercontinental Champion Carlito.

With Chris Jericho once again serving as “special” referee, and Eric Bischoff prowling the outside of the ring to make sure his plans to strip Cena of the title did not go awry, things didn’t look good for the champ. Although to be fair, his shoes looked fabulous.

However, while Carlito and Jericho combined to give Cena a hellacious beating, Cena eventually prevailed by throwing Jericho out of the ring, and pinning Carlito as a second referee made the count. With the match over, Y2J once again kicked Cena in the nuts, and proceeded to beat the holy hell out of the champ, ending with a Kenny Loggins-inspired camera shot to the noggin that had Cena wearing the proverbial “crimson mask.” Not to be confused, of course, with the proverbial “crimson ‘oh’ face,” a favorite amongst serial killer fans of Office Space.

So, who do you think will win in two weeks at Summer Slam?