Tonight’s RAW originated in Wichita Falls, Texas. (Thought I was going to say Kansas, didn’t you? I did too, until JR pointed out it was in Texas.) And as is usually the case following a PPV (in this case, last night’s Unforgiven), the show had several questions to address: How would Eric Bischoff resolve the confusion at the end of last night’s title match between John Cena and Kurt Angle? How would Chris Masters handle losing his first match? How would America react to finding out the character of Lita has actually been played by Jaye Davidson? Looks like we’re going to find out the answer to question number one first, as Bischoff struts down to the ring carrying the WWE title belt. Since it appears to be of the non-spinning variety, this can’t be good for the champ. And indeed it isn’t, as Eric tells us he has a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT about the very title belt he’s holding. BUT FIRST… He invites your Olympic hero, Kurt Angle, down to the ring. Having soured on the Bomb Pop look, tonight Kurt’s sporting a new black mouthpiece, which makes him look like he has no teeth. Backstage, Trevor Murdoch’s banjo starts a-pickin’…
After weeks of being outsmarted by Cena, Bischoff decides he’s just going to strip him of the title and hand it over to Angle. He’d have gotten away with it too, if weren’t for those meddling kids. And by meddling kids, I mean of course Mr. Vincent K. McMahon.
Vince interrupts Eric and says he has his own MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT to make. (Can’t these guys coordinate their schedules a little better? Two MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENTS in the first five minutes means no more MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENTS for the rest of the show.) McMahon informs Bischoff he doesn’t have the authority to strip Cena of the title, and asks Eric to explain what happened last night. Bischoff then cries until McMahon tells him to shut the hell up! Vince’s major announcement: Kerwin White isn’t really white! Actually, he announces that in two weeks WWE Raw is moving back to USA Network with a special three-hour homecoming show (three hours? The wife is going to kill me!) featuring a lot of former WWE superstars coming home. (Get it?) The list includes, but is not limited to, Mick Foley! Triple H! Papa Smurf! Hulk Hogan! Stone Cold Steve Austin! Carrot Top! And, of course, the WWE’s newest entry in the “White Trash” division, Sean Preston Spears Federline!!
Please, somebody, kill me.
He also announces a special Championship Match for WWE’s Homecoming between John Cena and… Eric Bischoff. Great. The biggest night in RAW history and the top match is between a white rapper and an even whiter manager? I can’t wait.
After the break, Bischoff is seen chasing Mr. McMahon out of the arena, begging him to drop the match. McMahon agrees to think about it, then gets in the limo. Before driving off, McMahon rolls down the window and tells Bischoff he’s thought about it, and Bischoff still has to fight Cena. In yo face, Frosty Top!
(1) Trish Status Pins Torrie Wilson And that’s all I have to say about that.
(2) Trevor Murdoch Pins The Hurricane Do you smell children? Then Trevor Murdoch must be nearby. Last night at Unforgiven, Cade and Murdoch took the tag team titles from The Hurricane and Rosie. Tonight, Murdoch is in a singles match with The Hurricane. During the match, Coach tells us that Cade spent all the money he won last night on a new belt buckle. Personally, I didn’t know you could get a belt buckle in a gumball machine, but they were in Oklahoma, so I guess anything’s possible. Murdoch throws the biggest hissy fit when The Hurricane hits him back; you’d think The Hurricane had just turned down his invitation to an early evening rape. The Hurricane is doing well until he hurts his shoulder, at which point Murdoch fists him and picks up the victory.
My, what big belt buckles you have.
Todd Grisham interviews Carlito, who claims he didn’t actually lose to Ric Flair last night. “The ref said I tapped out,” Carlito explains, “but I was just reaching for the ropes. That’s all that happened. Ric Flair did not beat Carlito. But tonight Carlito will beat Ric Flair. And that’s cool.” Other things that Carlito considers cool: ass chaps.
After the break, Edge is seen whining to Bischoff about last night’s loss in the Steel Cage Match to Matt Hardy. “Last night, Matt Hardy went too far,” Edge tells Bischoff. “He touched my monkey.” And by monkey, Edge of course means Lita. “Not only did he touch my
monkey woman,” he continues, “he gave her an orgasm.” Not really. But the thought of Matt Hardy giving Lita an orgasm is almost as believable as the thought of Matt Hardy giving Lita the Twist of Fate, which he actually did. Edge demands that Bischoff fire Matt Hardy. Bischoff finger-snaps, telling Edge “Oh no you di’int! You’re not the only one around here with problems, Mr. Edge. Have you seen my hair?” Bischoff then makes a special “Loser Leaves RAW” Ladder Match between Edge and Matt for WWE Homecoming.
(3) tyson tomko Knocks Out Eddie Craven
Scott Ian from Anthrax tyson tomko is up next against Eddie Craven, the hometown hero from Wichita Falls. You know you’re in (I said urine) big trouble when you’re introduced (I said it again) as a hometown hero and you’re wearing lavender trunks. T-Squared (as Coach is now calling tyson) knocks Craven out with a big boot to the face, followed up by a bigger celebration. At least I think it’s a celebration. tomko talks so quietly, for all I know he could have been sharing his recipe for short rib osso bucco.
A recap of the Flair/Carlito feud ends with a clip from last night’s match at Unforgiven, when Flair took the title from Carlito. Unfortunately, what they didn’t show was a clip of Flair’s post-match Viagra-bender. I only bring this up (get it? up?) because JR, the King and Coach talked about it incessantly during the match. If I hadn’t gone to the WWE site earlier today to see who won at Unforgiven, I’d have never known about Flair’s victory over erectile dysfunction.
(4) Rick Flair Defeats Carlito Via Figure Four Submission This was a decent match, although I was distracted by the announcing team’s improvisational reading of the Viagra Monologues. King: “Flair gave me a Viagra, it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck all day.” King, to Coach: “Did Flair give you a blue pill?” Coach: “I don’t need a pill.” King, to JR: “I heard when Coach takes them, he just gets taller.” copygodd: “WTF?” The match ends when Flair locks in the Figure Four, uses the ropes for extra leverage and makes Carlito tap out. That’s not cool.
Todd Grisham is interviewing Matt Hardy V.Loser.0. HBK interrupts and brags about how he stole the show at Unforgiven. At the mention of “show” the Big Show interrupts and says something lame. This, of course, is the cue for Cena to interrupt, delivering one of the lamest promos in the history of TVgasm’s RAW recaps: “We’re kickin’ ass, takin’ names, cashin’ checks and breakin’ necks with the intensities of ten cities!” Intensity in 10 Cities? Wasn’t that the name of an old Ted Nugent album? (Yikes! The fact that I referenced The Nuge and used the word “album” means Busto is probably the only person who’ll get this joke.)
Maria then interviews Rick Flair. (Hey, we only had five matches tonight. Gotta fill the airtime somehow.) She asks him why they call him the Nature Boy. “It’s because I can ‘whooooo!!’ all night long,” he tells her. Not to mention sweat enough to power three science fair experiments. Carlito suddenly jumps Flair, then Chris Masters pulls out of Coach long enough to put Flair in the MasterLock, enabling Carlito to get in a few cheap shots and one massive apple spit.
(5) HBK, Big Show, Matt Hardy and John Cena Defeat Kurt Angle, Snitsky, Edge and Chris Masters by Giant Pinfall Finally, it’s time for tonight’s main event, an eight-man tag team match between some of the top names on the current RAW roster. Of course, with eight wrestlers competing, the intros alone took over six minutes. Speaking of which, during his intro, Masters was wearing a new cloak that looked like a Bedazzled version of Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. (Go Tana!) The match goes back and forth, with surprisingly little homoerotic commentary from Coach, until eventually HBK is the only one from his team not knocked out of the ring. He gets beat up a while, then a very pissed Big Show comes back in, followed by the rest of Team Boring. The match ends when Big Show chokeslams Edge, then everyone jumps on Big Show’s back for a gang-pin. Yawn.
All in all, tonight’s episode was pretty lame. I hope it’s just a case of WWE saving their best stuff for their return to USA. Otherwise, I don’t know how much longer these recaps are going to continue. Especially now that I’ve got The Biggest Loser to contend with.