Dear Kurt: You Suck.

RAW has been on such a downswing lately that anything short of Vince pulling items out of someone’s ass has to be considered at least a moderate success. Such was the case tonight. While nothing great happened, nothing embarrassing happened either. Except near the end when I got in a farting contest with my golden retriever and accidently sharted in my new sock-monkey pajamas. Yeah, that was kind of embarrassing. Oh my god! Fresh off his stint selling advertising in Atlanta, former ECW-announcer Joey Styles is in the booth tonight. I hope he gets to announce a Hardcore match. Oh my god! And I hope they get him a phonebook to sit on too, because next to King and Coach, he looks just like Little Lord Fauntleroy.

The show kicks off with all the wrestlers standing outside the ring. General manager Eric Bischoff’s music hits, and he comes down to the ring dressed as an undertaker. Not The Undertaker, mind you, but an undertaker. Who died? Oh yeah, RAW’s creativity.

Bischoff is here to talk about the upcoming Survivor Series PPV. He’s already made the following matches: John Cena versus Kurt Angle for the Championship and Ric Flair versus Triple H in a Last Man Standing match. There will also be a 10-man match pitting five of RAW’s superstars versus five of SmackDown’s. Representing RAW will be the new Tag Team champs, Big Show and Kane, along with the captain of Team RAW, HBK. Bisch asks the remaining superstars who’s going to step up and take one for join the team…

Gooble-gobble, gooble-gobble. We accept you, we accept you.

Carlito gets his hand up first, so Bisch gives him the microphone. Carlito really, really wants to be on Team RAW. So much so he’ll even give up the Cabana! (That’s not cool.) “Dammit Jim Eric, Carlito’s a doctor. Not a talk-show host. Wait, that’s not cool. I mean, Carlito’s a wrestler… Carlito’s the best wrestler here, and the biggest superstar on RAW,” he tells Eric. This sounds cool to the Bisch, but not so much to Shelton Benjamin. “Are you high?” he asks Carlito. He says Team RAW needs the world’s greatest athlete. Since Jan-Michael Vincent isn’t available, however, he says it should be him. Fair enough. Eric makes a match between Carlito and Shelton, the winner getting a spot on Team RAW.

Since Team RAW is still without a bonafide backwoods rapist, Bischoff hands the microphone to Murdoch. He says he and Cade were screwed at Taboo Tuesday, and they should be on Team RAW instead of Big Show and Kane. “We’re better than either one of those freaks,” he says, adding, “I only rape hunters. Kane raped a dead cheerleader.” Ha ha, charade you are, Mr. Murdoch. Murdoch wants to “reinvokasize” their rematch clause, and demands a Hardcore match with the new champs. Kane and Big Show are laughing at this. Cade isn’t. Still, as Joey Styles points out, using weapons is the only chance Cade and Murdoch have at winning this match.

Gregory “Don’t Call Me Hurricane” Helms also wants to be on Team RAW. Not only that, he wants a match with the person who’s been holding him back for two years, “that fat piece of garbage over there, Rosie O’Donnell.” Of course, he’s really talking about just plain Rosey, but my idea would be so much more fun to recap.

Before sending everyone backstage, Bischoff turns his attention to Edge and Lita. Turns out Eric is tad upset with Edge’s actions on Taboo Tuesday, when he said the following: “I don’t care about you, I don’t care about RAW, and I certainly don’t care about what you people want or voted for. I do care about one thing though, and that’s me!” Not surprisingly, he didn’t mention his inability to make Lita orgasm, but that’s more a matter of her still being on a heavy regimen of hormone replacement therapy than anything he’s doing wrong. Still, he should at least act like he cares.

The other superstars are not happy with Edge’s attitude. Neither is the Bisch. Edge tells Bisch he doesn’t give a damn what the fans say, which earns him an “asshole” chant. And he doesn’t give a damn about RAW either. At that, Bischoff tells Edge he’s going to learn a lesson about caring. About commitment. “Cancel your Friday dinner plans,” he says, “because you’re going to SmackDown. And you’re going to be in a Street Fight. Against Batista.” Bischoff tells Edge and Lita to get the hell out of his ring, and not to come back until they get the job done. But wait! Eric doesn’t want them to leave without some music. Cue the “Na na na na” singalong. By the way, what’s up with Eric’s voice? It’s almost as bad as Stephanie’s. Are they sharing the same balls again?

(1) Carlito defeats Shelton Benjamin We come back from break only to learn the match has already started. Unfortunately, this is a theme throughout the night. This is a pretty good match, and goes a long way to prove that Shelton Benjamin really is the best athlete in RAW. Of course, Coach is pulling for Carlito because he’s cool. “We’re just two cool guys respecting each other,” he says. And by “respecting” he means, well, you know what he means. After a series of reverse roll-ups, Carlito picks up the win with a little help from his friends: the ropes. That’s not cool.

“This is definitely not otay. Nor is it cool.”

Back in the women’s locker room, Mickie is yammering on about something. Trish has as much success getting her to shut up as Markus’ teammates did on The Apprentice. I only wish The Donald would come out and fire her. Or at least ask Todd Grisham if he’s ever had sex.

(2) Victoria and Candice Michelle defeat Trish Stratus and Mickie James The King tells Joey he’s about to see what makes RAW so great. Obviously, he’s not talking about one of his promos. Candice enters the ring carrying her magic wand. I keep waiting for Lawler to make a joke about his magic wand, but Coach beats him to it. Probably because Coach has been thinking about Jerry’s magic wand all night. Speaking of Candice, why does she always look like she’s on roofies? (Or at least what I imagine a girl on roofies would look like.) I keep expecting her to wake up one day and realize she’s been on RAW for the past year. “And I was this close to finishing my thesis!”, she’ll exclaim. “On boobies.” Not much to say about this match, other than Mickie James should really consider wearing a different outfit. Or at least better underwear. Victoria picks up the win after hitting Mickie in the head with Candice’s magic wand, prompting Joey Styles to exclaim “it is magic! It is magic!” Do you believe in miracles?

After the break, King wants to thank Batista for beating Coach so badly at Taboo Tuesday. Styles says it’s time to take a look at some of the highlights from last week’s PPV, especially since Coach probably doesn’t remember anything after the beating Batista gave him. Gratuitous highlights ensue…

Big Show and Kane are talking backstage about their upcoming Hardcore Tag Team Match. Show wants to know Kane’s strategy for the night. “To elicit as much pain and suffering as possible,” Kane tells him. “To reach the point where mercy and all human compassion disintegrate into the ashes of the broken remains of our lifeless opponents.” Kane then tells the viewers his new children’s book will be available at WWE Shopzone just in time for Christmas.

(3) Gregory Helms defeats Rosie Stand back, there’s a boring match coming through! The Artist Formerly Known as The Hurricane is better looking dressed as a superhero. Never thought I’d miss somebody’s green hair. Except Booger’s, of course. Coach says it was all Rosey’s fault Helms has been on a two-year losing streak. Eventually Helms picks up the win, breaking the skid. After the match, Gregory stares down at Rosey in disgust. At least I think it’s supposed to be disgust. Coach says Helms looks intense. King thinks he just looks constipated.

Judo kick!

Backstage, Cade and Murdoch are walking around with a shopping cart of weapons for their Hardcore match. Styles is all excited about being able to yell “Hardcore!” again. Oh my god!!

(4) Kane and Big Show defeat Cade and Murdoch As far as Hardcore matches go, this one was pretty average. No blood, but we did get to see Big Show and Kane put a trash can over Trevor Murdoch’s head, then kick it while he was leaning against the ring post. It was loud. The match ends when Kane and Show put Cade through the announce table.

After the break, it’s time for the main event. And it’s barely 8:00. I wonder how this is going to work out. Kurt Angle comes out to the usual “You Suck” chorus, but it seems to be bugging him for some reason tonight. So he decides to go back through the curtain and try it again. “Yeah, that’s going to work,” laughs Styles.

This time the crowd starts chanting before Kurt’s music even starts. Kurt cuts the music, and tells the crowd they have one more chance. If they don’t give him some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, there won’t be a main event tonight. It’s true. It’s damn true.

Guess what? The crowd still thinks he sucks. Well, Kurt thinks the crowd sucks. “Middle America is supposed to be about family values, and yet you let your children chant “you suck” to an Olympic gold medalist?” he asks. “You’re abusing the First Amendment, and you’re abusing me.” Your Olympic Hero is mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it any longer. He calls the Fort Wayne fans a bunch of “self-absorbed, selfish bastards” and tells everyone they were the ones who sucked, before throwing down the microphone and walking out.

Backstage, Angle is packing his bag, getting ready to leave. Eric tells him he has to go back out and wrestle. Kurt will, on two conditions: One, the idiot fans have to stop chanting you suck. Two, he wants a special, handpicked guest referee. Eric says he can get the ref, but he can’t get the fans to stop chanting. Kurt says too bad, and starts to pack again. Eric says he’ll take care of it. What do you bet he’s going to try the Silencio spell?

HHH’s music hits. Coach tells Styles to “pay attention,” as he’s “this close to greatness.” Greatness then plops his ass down in a comfy leather chair at the top of the ramp and waits for the next match.

“Where’s my beer, woman?”

(5) Ric Flair defeats Rob Conway Dammit, we missed Conway’s intro! Stupid commercials. Flair styles and profiles his way past HHH down to the ring, wearing my grandmother’s honeymoon robe. Lillian gives Flair his standard introduction. Afterward, Flair asks her to add one more line: “And the man who beat HHH at Taboo Tuesday”. Whooo! Coach says Ric Flair had better pay attention to Conway, as he’s the model of excellence, and is 98% fat-free. “You turn your back on Rob Conway, you’re going to pay.” And Coach should know… Speaking of paying, Flair has had enough of Conway’s mocking him, so he grabs a handful of The Conman’s nutz and starts tossing him around the ring. (Okay, that certainly didn’t sound right.) Flair locks in the Figure Four, but is too busy grabbing the ropes to see HHH walking down to the ring with a chain in his hand. Conway taps out, and HHH starts choking Flair with the chain. Both men start fighting outside the ring, and keep going until the refs break it up.

Bischoff is on the phone telling someone to just hit the censor button when he tells them to. Lita comes in and tries to sweet talk him into not making Edge fight Batista. Bischoff says no way. “Go tell Edge there’s nothing he can do about it, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Lita asks Eric if he’s sure there’s nothing she can do about it, before unbuttoning her top and releasing the hounds. Eric simply tells Lita to “put those things back where they belong, because you could put an eye out with one of those. Now get the hell out of my building. Slut.”

(6) Kurt Angle and Chris Masters defeat John Cena and HBK via disqualification Okay, now it’s really time for the main event. Chris Masters music kicks in. Coach tells Joey Styles this is the part of the show where he needs to be quiet. “Just sit there and don’t say anything. Like you’re calling a golf match.” Interesting that Coach would compare Masters’ entrance to a game involving putting a ball in a hole… Kurt Angle comes out, and the crowd starts right back up with the “You Suck!” chant. But this time, Bischoff censors the crowd, so we can’t hear them. Unfortunately, Angle can still hear them, so it’s totally stupid. Which means Coach thinks it’s genius.

After HBK and Cena come out, all that’s left is to reveal Angle’s special guest referee. Why, it’s Daivari! A man whose Middle Eastern terrorist character was so tasteless even UPN wouldn’t let him on TV any longer. So the All-American Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle picks a terrorist to be his special referee? Consider me intrigued…

As usual, when we come back from the break, the match is already underway. Daivari counts slow for the good guys, fast for the bad guys. We can hear the crowd chanting “You suck” again. So much for censorship. King and Styles are outraged at Daivari’s actions. Coach is loving it, as he does with anything involving The Masterpiece. Coach: “If you didn’t know any better, you’d swear Angle and Chris Masters have been a tag team for years.” King: “If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Daivari had been a crooked referee for years.” Copygodd: If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I’d been covering RAW for years. Nope, just since August.

King says Daivari couldn’t see an elephant in a phone booth. Coach tells him that joke’s so old, he fell off his dinosaur the last time he heard it. The match goes back and forth for a while, before Angle sneaks a chair into the ring, which HBK gets DQ’d for trying to use. Cena is pissed, and starts going after Angle. Daivari smacks Cena across the back with the chair and celebrates with Kurt. King can’t believe Kurt has sunk so low, teaming up with Daivari. Styles takes it a step further, screaming “This sucks! This sucks! This sucks!” as we go off the air.

All in all, this week’s show didn’t suck as much as some of the more recent clunkers. Does that mean there’s hope?