Do These Trunks Make Me Look Gay?

So, how was your Labor Day weekend? Yeah, I know that question’s a day late, but then so’s this week’s recap. But at least I have an excuse: Monday night the wife and I went up to see Tori Amos play Red Rocks. She makes me swoon. (Tori and the wife.) Okay, enough swooning…

Monday’s ep started off with another lame match between Kurt Angle and Eugene, the WWE’s living, breathing After-School Special. Honestly, I haven’t seen a ‘tard get beat this badly since TVgasm went after Rosie O. (Of course, the time they went after her movie Riding The Bus With My Sister was pretty rough, too.) You knew right away that Kurt was going to win, as Jim Ross never once mentioned Eugene’s “freakish strength.” With no freakish strength at which to marvel, the highlight of this match had to be Angle’s freakish new red white and blue mouthpiece. While on paper a tri-colored mouthguard sounds like a cool idea, in reality, it just looked like Kurt was sucking on a Bomb-Pop during the entire match. After making Eugene tap out to the Ankle Lock, Kurt refused to let go, which prompted John Cena to run out and protect his special friend. And what did Cena get in return? A special boot to the face from Kurt’s new special friend, Tyson Tomko. Coach exclaimed that Tomko “took Cena’s head clean off” although subsequent replays showed that Cena’s head never actually left his body. Backstage, general manager Eric Bischoff and Angle congratulate Tomko for (not really) taking Cena’s head off. As a reward, Bischoff grants Tomko a match with Cena. I think Tomko’s excited, but I can’t say for certain as it turns out he’s a low talker. For all I know, he could’ve just tricked Bischoff and Angle into wearing puffy shirts.

It’s time to meet the WWE’s newest tag team that’s not Cade and Murdoch: Big Vis and Val Venis. As one (Val) is a recovering porn star and the other (Big Vis) is a 500-pound love machine who dresses in silk pajamas, the naming possibilities are endless. For now, I think I’ll call them “Pork-n-Porn.” Their opponents are Antonio and Romeo, the Heart”No, we don’t know Siegfried and Roy”Throbs. “Porno and the Pig” (not to be confused with “Jake and the Fat Man,” although that’s another possible name) win.

Next up, highlights of Chris Masters and his “Master Lock Challenge.”

If it’s Monday night, it’s Carlito’s Cabana. Tonight Carlito’s guest is none other than Ashley, the 2005 RAW Diva Search winner. Carlito disses Ashley’s wardrobe, then her jewelry, then her hair. At that point, Ashley finger-snaps Carlito and fires back at his Justin Guarini ‘do. Uh oh, Avril. That’s not cool. Carlito picks up an apple, then begins to tell Ashley that bad things happen to people who insult Carlito on his cabana. (I think he said he’s “uninsultable.” I’ll go with unintelligible.) As proof, he admits to beating up Ric Flair last week for insulting him (Carlito) on his show. Of course, this is the signal for Sweaty McPitstain to “Woooo!” his way down to the ring and toss Carlito around by his johnson. I’m not kidding, folks. Flair grabbed Carlito by the schlong and marched him around the ring. At one point, he even bit Carlito’s finger as he got comfortable at third base. (When did the WWE hire a writer from Queer as Folk?) As Carlito stumbles up the ramp, Flair says he’s going to “take a bite out of Carlito’s ass” at Unforgiven, then does a few elbow and knee drops onto one of Carlito’s apples unlucky enough not to be tossed from the ring. (Thank goodness Carlito’s schtick is apples and not salad. I can just imagine the fun RAW’s writers would have with that.)

Another promo for Cade and Murdoch, this time originating from Tootsie’s bar. Just when you thought these two couldn’t get any backwoodsier, Murdoch (he’s the Deliverance-rapist) threatens to rape his opponents. At least he’s staying in character.

Evidently, RAW hired Rob Zombie to direct the highlights of last week’s Street Fight between Matt Hardy and Edge. I kept hoping Dr. Satan would pop in and disembowel Matt. Unfortunately, all we got was a lame exchange between Matt and Bischoff. Matt signs a contract for a Steel Cage match with Edge at Unforgiven, then reminds us all that “Matt Hardy will not die”. Another thing Matt Hardy will not do: take acting classes. Once his name is on the contract, Bischoff tells Mattitude he has a tune-up match with Snitsky coming up after the break.

If you’ve been waiting for Hardy to actually win a match since his return to RAW earlier this summer, tonight your wait is finally over. Gotcha! Hardy got his ass beat. Again. Snitsky won in pretty short order, then caressed the back of Matt’s head with the ring bell. I think he was supposed to hit Matt with it, but instead he kind of just love-tapped him. Big Show came out and grimaced, which was sufficient to scare Snitsky off. Which is ironic (take that, Alanis), because Snitsky is one of the scariest mofos I’ve ever seen. Even if you saw tonight’s BB6 veto challenge, where they morphed three contestants’ heads into one freakish mug, you still have no idea how ugly Snitsky is. But you do know that Cappy is even shorter as a woman. And Ivette’s ass is now big enough to occupy the entire lower box in my TV’s picture-in-a-picture feature.

Tyson Tomko gets his match against World Champion John Cena. Cena wins. Tomko mutters something under his breath, probably asking Cena if he’d like to carpool. Angle attacks Cena from behind at the top of the ramp. Yawn.

I’m not even going to mention the match between Torrie Wilson and Ashley. Other than mentioning they had one.

More Chris Masters “Master Lock Challenge” highlights. I wonder if he’s having a match tonight?

Shelton Benjamin, one of the few African-American wrestlers in the WWE, is in a match against Rob Conway. Conway’s theme song is Look At Me, which is getting harder and harder to avoid, as he’s turned a Tang-ish shade of orange rivaled only by the late Strom Thurmond’s hair. Just as the match is getting underway, Kerwin White drives his golf cart to ringside. The character of Kerwin White, or “K-White” as Coach calls him (amazing that Coach would give someone a nickname which sounds like a lubricant) is a flat-out racist. You’d expect him to start hanging around with Cade and Murdoch sometime soon, except K-White’s more of a “country club” racist, whereas Cade and Murdoch are more the “let’s drag that sumbitch behind my pick-up truck for a few miles” racists. After which, of course, Murdoch rapes said sumbitch. Conway picks up a cheap victory when Whitey trips Shelton with his 52-degree loft gap wedge.

Speaking of Deliverance, Cade and Murdoch are actually wrestling tonight in a non-title match against The Hurricane and Rosie, the current tag team champions. As soon as the announcer says it’s a non-title match, you know Cade and Murdoch are going to win: the only question is how. Actually, the only question should be how anyone is supposed to take Murdoch seriously after seeing him in trunks. My grandfather, who’s been dead for the past decade and counting, has better definition than this guy. No wonder he’s a rapist. (Murdoch, not my grandfather.) Amazingly, Murdoch pins The Hurricane without resorting to sexual assault. Although I noticed nobody took him up on the offer to smell his finger after the match.

Time for some more Chris Masters highlights. Looks like he really is going to have a match tonight, as Todd Grisham catches The Masterpiece backstage and asks him about his “Master Lock Challenge” opponent, Shawn Michaels. “Would you say HBK is your toughest challenge yet?” asks Todd. “Whoa,” Masters replies. “Toughest challenge? Just look at me.” (It’s bad enough Masters looks like someone stuck Jay Mohr’s head on Lex Lugar’s body; now he’s stealing Rob Conway’s lines? That’s not the Con-way.) We’re then treated to a tight shot of Masters’ bouncing boobies. Nice, but you didn’t really answer the question, Flexie McPec. And he never does, instead simply promising that tonight, the “show will be stopped for the Showstopper, once and for all.”

After the break, we get more Chris Masters highlights. No wait, this is the actual contest. Masters locks the hold in on HBK, who tries to break it, and right then my TIVO quit recording. Ah well, a quick trip to the WWE web site later, and I can tell you that HBK did not unlock the Master Lock. What I can’t tell you is why the WWE seems to be so fixated on gay sex lately. While Coach and King kept their respective man-crushes under relative control tonight, between Ric Flair tugging on Carlito’s banana, the Heart Throbs’ very existence and Murdoch threatening to rape his fallen opponents, the rest of the episode more than made up for it. Anyone have any suggestions?