Contrary to popular belief, being a TVgasm recapper isn’t all strawberries and Astroglide. In fact, it can sometimes be downright tedious. For me, those times are every Monday night at 7:00, when it’s time to watch RAWÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
Tonight’s episode started with a recap of the Trial of Eric Bischoff. It’s done just like an episode of The People’s Court, complete with music and graphics, except there’s no Rusty. That’s probably because Rusty died back in 2002. However, judging by the Katie Vick storyline RAW presented a few years back, they’re certainly not above digging up a corpse if it’ll get a few cheap laughs. Fortunately for Rusty (and us), they decided not to cross that line this time. Otherwise Vince would’ve spent the night pulling various items from the decomposed back-porch of America’s favorite bailiff.Mr. McMahon struts out to the ramp to make an announcement. Will it be our new GM? We don’t know, because his mike doesn’t work. A sound tech tries to toss Vinnie a new one, but he throws like a girl and it lands at Vince’s feet. Vince picks up the microphone and throws it back to the hapless tech, demanding he “hand it to me like a man.” Poor sound guy. I hope TNA is hiring.
Working microphone in hand, Vince tells us he’s currently looking for a new general manager. It could be anyone: his daughter Stephanie, his son Shane, even me, copygodd. Okay, not really me, but only because I haven’t applied yet. Until he makes his decision, though, Vince has appointed an interim manager. In his words, this person is “a business icon, a creative genius and one handsome virile son-of-a-bitch.” Hey, it is me! I rock.
Actually, it’s Vince. And his first order of interimming is to make five qualifying matches for the Elimination Chamber match at New Year’s Revolution. The first of which is up next.
(1) Kurt Angle versus Ric Flair in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match McMahon says he won’t censor the crowd’s “You Suck” chants like Easy E did, so of course they’re extra loud tonight. And there’s no real talk of Flair’s recent “Road Rage” incident either, other than a Joey Styles throwaway line. Odd. The King does mention that Flair looks better than the last time we saw him, but he’s talking about the Last Man Standing match with HHH, not Flair’s mug shot which was shown on the TitanTron last week. Coach says that at one time, Ric Flair was in Kurt Angle’s league, but not anymore. Just like at one time, Coach was in Eric Bischoff’s jock. Sadly, that time, too, has passed. The match itself is okay. The most surprising thing is that Angle out-sweats Flair. Does he have the flu or something? The least surprising is that Angle wins.
Winner: Kurt Angle.
Angle’s not done, though, and grabs a microphone to talk about next week’s special holiday show from Afghanistan. It was a voluntary trip for the WWE Superstars, and Angle says he didn’t volunteer to go. Why? Because he doesn’t suck. “I won a gold medal with a broken freakin’ neck,” he says. “I did the ultimate thing that anyone in this world can do.” Angle did Heidi Klum? “What have the troops done?” he asks. “Nothing.” Kurt says if they catch Osama, he might go sign a few autographs. “Why should I fly 30 hours and risk my life for these troops that represent a country that doesn’t respect me?” he wants to know. I’d just like to know where this bit is going. Once Daivari shows up on the TitanTron, I know that wherever it’s going, it can’t be good.
Once again, Daivari is speaking English. This dude needs to make up his mind. Is he an English-speaking terrorist, or a Farsi-speaking terrorist?
Daivari’s standing next to statues of Larry Bird and Bobby Orr. He hawks up a terror-filled loogie and spits on Larry Bird. Meanwhile, you can see several totally disinterested fans standing in the background. Way to frame a shot, cameraman. If I were GM, I’d fire your film school ass. Next, Daivari says he’s going to spray paint Bobby Orr. When he turns around, Cena’s standing there. Not so fast, Johnny Jihad. Cena slaps the English out of Daivari’s mouth, and Daivari starts screaming in Farsi again.
Cena addresses the camera and tells Angle he’s bush-league. “You won’t go visit the troops because people out here say you suck?” he asks Kurt. “Newsflash, Kurt: Half the people out here think I suck too.” Good to see Cena’s acknowledging his shrinking popularity. Hopefully this means he’s getting closer to turning heel. Cena ends by calling Kurt a heartless bastard, before spraying-painting the camera lens. We can’t see Cena now. Get it?
After the break, Lita and Edge, who’s now billing himself as “The Rated R Superstar” (not to be confused with Har Mar Superstar, although it would be totally kickass to see him climb in the squared circle sometime) are making fun of Flair for his troubles with the law. Like a lot of things the WWE does these days, I don’t get it. I mean, I get what they’re talking about. I just don’t get why they’re doing it like this. If I were GM, at the very least I’d have Sgt. Slaughter teach Ric the rules of the road.
In a cage.
Shawn Michaels is getting dressed when Shelton Benjamin comes up to give him some attitude about what happened in their match last week. HBK had told Benjamin he needed to ramp up his attitude, but when he did, HBK abandoned him. At least that’s what Shelton says happened. HBK sees it differently. The bit ends with Shelton telling HBK he hopes they both win their Elimination Chamber qualifying matches. I really like Shelton Benjamin, and think the guy has a ton of upside, but he has the mic skills of Helen Keller. If I were GM, I’d make him the company’s first deaf-mute wrestler. And I’d make him wrestle a dwarf hermaphrodite mime.
(2) Shelton Benjamin versus Carlito in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match Shelton starts the match off by pulling Carlito into the ring by his hair. And for a while, he stays in control of the match. Carlito eventually gets back in it, and the two put on a really good show. Eventually, however, Shelton’s new attitude gets the better of him, when instead of going for an easy pin, he grabs one of CCC’s apples. That’s stupid. Because while he’s busy getting ready to spit some apple on Carlito, Coolio rolls him up for the pin. That’s cool.
Backstage, Vince runs into Trevor the Cable Guy, who makes his pitch for the General Manager’s position. “I’m your hucklebuck,” he tells Vince, adding he has a lot of “ideals” for matches. Vince chastises Murdoch for chewing tobacco, then tells him he’ll think about it. Walking away, he calls Trevor an “idiot.” Sometimes Vince is too nice.
Speaking of idiots, Candice Michelle and her magic wand are waiting for Vince in the leather couch room. “I heard there’s a position open on RAW,” she tells Vince. “What position did you have in mind,” the old horndog asks. Candice starts disrobing to show Vince her qualifications, which, evidently, are fake titties and the ability to have an orgasm just by unbuttoning her top. Before Vinnie can unbutton anything of his, however, Kurt Angle and Daivari cock-block him and we go to commercial.
(3) Big Show versus Shawn Michaels in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match In order to win this match, Coach tells us HBK needs to be “elusive and abusive.” Or just have Triple H come down and interfere on behalf of the Big Show, thus getting him disqualified, which is what happens.
Winner: Shawn Michaels via DQ.
Back in the leather couch room, Kurt is still
cock-blocking making his case. “I need to make a statement,” he spits at Vince, and demands a match with Cena that night. Kurt, don’t you know not to make Vince angry? You won’t like it when he’s angry. Too late. Channeling his inner ‘Pac, Vince tells Kurt to back the f*ck up before he gets smacked the f*ck up. “You can make comments about our troops. You can make comments about Larry Bird. But the one thing you’d better never do again is interrupt me,” he spits. Especially when he’s sniffing Candice Michelle’s magic wand.
Instead of giving Kurt a match, he decides to do something even more innovative: the first ever “You Can’t See Me” match, featuring Daivari versus a blindfolded John Cena. I’m scared.
(4) Chris Masters versus Viscera in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match Viscera is billed as the World’s Largest Love Machine. I don’t know about you, but I always thought this guy was the world’s largest love machine. The only thing less interesting than the “action” in this match is listening to the Coach and Lawler argue about who sucked Masters’ dick first.
Winner: Chris Masters.
If you were watching WWE.com Unlimited instead of the commercials, you’d have seen Trish Stratus and Mickie Stalker deliver an awkward promo in the Women’s Locker Room. But since you weren’t, I’m not going to cover it.
bigot gimmick, Matt Striker, comes out to the stage to teach the crowd a lesson about “Family Values.” Standing in front of a desk and blackboard Matt proceeds to insult working mothers, welfare mothers, baby daddies, same-sex marriages and kids who are “smoking the pot”. Overall, pretty lame promo. I can’t believe this guy gave up a job teaching in Queens for this.
Next, Vince is seen trying on a black hood for Cena to wear in his upcoming match. Tough Enough Season One finalist Chris Nowinski comes in to pitch himself as RAW’s first-ever Harvard-educated general manager. Hopefully he’ll do better than Ryan Fitzpatrick, the St. Louis Ram’s first-ever Harvard-educated quarterback. It’s all for naught, however, as Dusty Rhodes interrupts Chris to apply for the job himself. If I were GM, I’d make these two have a match. And I’d set it at NASA so they could fight in zero gravity, which is the only Dusty would be able to get his massive bulk moving. Oh, and I’d relocate NASA to a cage.
(5) Mickie Stalker versus Victoria in a Number One Contender Match Trish comes out to sit with the announce team during Swimfan’s match. That’s the highlight of this match. Well, that and this.
Winner: Mickie James.
(6) Triple H versus Kane in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match Kane dominates the Cerebral Spitter early in the match. Of course, this doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t stop Coach from talking up HHH. “If there’s ever a man made for the Elimination Chamber, it’s the Game, Triple H,” he says. Other things HHH is made for: moustache wax. Eventually, after knocking out the ref and incapacitating Kane, Triple H goes under the ring for his trusty sledgehammer. Before he can use it on Kane, however, Big Show comes down to the ring. While HHH is mouthing at the Show, Kane does his “Michael Myers” recovery sit-up and attacks Hunter. Big Show then helps Kane deliver a double choke-slam to the Game, before waking up the ref to count out the Game. It’s a nice payback for the Game getting the Big Show disqualified in his match with HBK earlier in the night. Maybe this will lead to a match between HHH and Show at Revolution. If I were GM it would.
After commercial, it’s time for tonight’s main event.
(7) John Cena versus Daivari in a “You Can’t See Me” Match Cena gets a huge pop, and “The Champ is home” signs are everywhere, which makes sense since Cena is from the Boston area. At least there’s still one town that won’t boo the champ. Much. Between Daivari’s jihadist mannerisms and Cena wearing a black hood, this match resembles something you’d see on Aljazeera more than the USA Network. Eventually, the crowd starts helping Cena figure out what part of the ring Daivari is hiding in, and Cena manages to tackle his opponent and lock in the STFU. Daivari immediately taps out, but before Cena can take the hood off, Angle attacks him from behind. Cena manages to get the hood off and chases Angle out of the ring, then gives Daivari an FU for his troubles.
Winner: John Cena.
Overall, tonight’s episode was pretty average. At least it had seven actual matches though, which is a huge step up from recent outings. Too bad they weren’t all good. We still don’t have a replacement for Bischoff. And we have a new tool for a teacher. Most disappointing, however, was the show’s lack of Tajiri. Earlier in the day it was announced on the website that tonight would be the Japanese Buzzsaw’s last RAW, but not a single mention of his departure was made on the show itself. If I were GM, you know what I’d have done.
Speaking of which, if you were GM, what would you do to improve RAW?