I Am JR’s Colon.

Ever wonder what it’s like to be Fairplayed? Well, if you were unfortunate enough to catch this week’s episode of RAW, you need wonder no more. This was a Fairplay of epic proportions. An upper decker for the ages. Capped off with a ten-minute skit of Vince McMahon pulling various items out of JR’s ass. Seriously. This week’s broadcast hit a new low. Which, for RAW, is saying a lot. I don’t know if I can even describe how bad it was. Which, for me, is saying a lot.The episode actually started off on a fairly decent note, with a three-way match between HBK, the Big Show and Kane. Of course, the announcing team’s constant insistence on describing the match as “historic” got a little old. I don’t think a lot of fans have been staying up late praying for this match. Of course, not many fans have been staying up late praying for a skit featuring Vince forcing his way into JR’s ass with the Jaws of Life either, but that didn’t stop them from doing it. HBK wins the match with some well-timed Sweet Chin Music.

Next up, we get some footage of John Cena at a NASCAR event. There’s a cross-promotion I never expected to see. According to Cena, going really fast in a car “feels like you crapped your pants.” I feel like I just crapped in my mouth a little.

Time to pimp the next PPV, Taboo Tuesday. A countdown clock pops up in the left corner, telling us how much time’s left before we can start voting. Meanwhile, to set up voting for the match between Coach and Stone Cold Steve Austin, the King asks the crowd what they think of the Coach. Not much, evidently. Next he asks if they want to see a replay of Coach getting beer dumped on his head from last week. This they’re interested in. King reveals the choices for the Coach and Stone Cold’s Taboo Tuesday match: A verbal debate, arm wrestling or a street fight. Hmm, wonder which it’ll be…

Coach is not happy with Lawler or the crowd. Or Stone Cold, for that matter, and he decides to go down to the ring and call Stone Cold out. Did Steph lend the Coach her balls for the night? Here comes Stone Cold’s truck down to the ring. Looks like Stone Cold’s going to accept Coach’s challenge. Nope, it’s just Steph, who nearly trips over her implants trying to get out of the truck. Someone holds up a sign that reads “Coach is a popcorn fart.” Unfortunately, this sets the tone for the rest of the evening.

During Coach and Steph’s bit, the crowd starts chanting “slut!” at Stephanie. Her response? “It disappoints me that our fans can’t be a little more original than just using the same old stuff.” Hello, pot? It’s the kettle. You’re black.

Anyway, Steph tells Coach her dad would love to take his place at Taboo Tuesday. Evidently he’s been taking steriods working out and has put on 20 pounds in the last two weeks alone! Before Coach can accept, however, Mrs. Foley’s baby boy interrupts. Yes, it’s Mick Foley, aka Mankind, aka Dude Love, aka Cactus Jack. (By the way, you can vote which incarnation Foley will be for his fight against Carlito at Taboo Tuesday on wwe.com.) Seems Mick just couldn’t sit back and listen any longer to someone who’s so full of crap. Steph points out that JR was full of crap, but after his successful colon surgery that’s been taken care of. Foley doesn’t think there’s anything funny about colon surgery. If only Steph, Vince and the rest of the WWE writers felt the same way…

Mick and Steph argue a bit, then Carlito comes out. While Mick’s bracing himself for Carlito’s attack, Steph kicks him in the nutz. Carlito then beats him up some more, before spitting an apple in his face. Such is life as a Hardcore Legend…

Triple H is supposed to fight Big Vis next, but Ric Flair attacks HHH on his way down the ramp and the match never takes place. Too bad too, as this is a match I’m sure people have been praying for late at night. I know I have. After Naitch and Hunter are separated, Flair throws his shoe into the crowd, before asking them to put him in a cage match at Taboo Tuesday. Wooo!

“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty apes! Wooo!”

Back in the parking lot, we see JBL’s limo pull up. And JBL actually gets out! Bischoff runs out with security to tell JBL he’s not welcome at RAW, while Edge, Lita and Chris Masters are standing in the middle of the ring talking to JBL via the TitanTron. Edge asks JBL if he’s curious why Edge attacked Rey Mysterio on SmackDown! last week and not him. Even if he’s not curious, Edge tells him. Seems nobody cares about JBL. Mysterio’s the bigger star of the two. (Considering Mysterio’s 4’9″ in heels, that’s saying a lot.) And that’s why Edge brought the MasterPiece with him to slap on the MasterLock when he was done. Yeah, it makes no sense to me either. “But don’t get your cowboy hat in an uproar,” Edge tells him. “At Taboo Tuesday there’s going to be a RAW versus SmackDown! match.” And the fans get to decide who from SmackDown! will be competing. Will it be Matt Hardy? (“I didn’t know they could invent another match for me to beat him in,” says Edge.) Rey Mysterio? (Lita congratulates Rey for being the inspriration behind SmackDown!’s new midget junior division.) Christian? (Edge says his old buddy will be the only one to receive fewer votes than Matt Hardy.) Hardcore Holly? (Masters is worried that because Hardcore dyes his hair blond and wears spandex, he might be gay. Has Masters never seen a pro wrestling match before?) Or JBL?

JBL taunts Masters into coming out back and trying to put the MasterLock on him. Of course, once Masters gets out there, he’s told he just fell for the oldest trick in the book, as Rey Mysterio sneaks in the ring and takes out both Edge and Lita.

The polls are open! The polls are open! The polls are open!

Next we’re “treated” to a “match” between Mickey James and Victoria. Even if all this match was supposed to do is set up the voting for Taboo Tuesday, it still sucked.

After the break, Vince McMahon comes out and tells the crowd he doesn’t like it when they second-guess his family’s decisions. Like the decision to fire JR, for example. Still, Vince always knew the fans in Fresno were full of crap. Just like good old JR. In fact, he tells them if God wanted to give the USA an enema, he’d start right there in Fresno. At that, the crowd starts calling Vince an asshole, which he uses as a segue to the video he’s about to show. Seems whenever a WWE superstar is having surgery, they send in the cameras. JR’s colon surgery was no exception. As Vince says, “our cameras were there when they took out a foot of JR’s bowels from his body.” He then warns us the following footage might be too graphic and disturbing for some. I only wish I’d taken his advice…

In the footage, Vince is dressed as Dr. Hiney. He’s accompanied by Nurse Slobberknockers. And for the next ten minutes, he uses a variety of instruments (including a crowbar, jackhammer and the Jaws of Life) to pull the following items out of JR’s ass: a bottle of JR’s BBQ sauce, a football, a pink stuffed owl, Mae Young’s hand, a bag of goldfish, an Oklahoma Sooners helmet, a Stone Cold sippy cup and a paper-mache model of JR’s head. You know, cuz he has his head up his ass. To make matters worse, Vince ends the skit by banging Nurse Slobberknockers on the operating table.

This wasn’t good. It wasn’t funny. It was, however, enough to make me question whether I should ever watch RAW again.

Back in the ring, Vince tells the crowd that JR’s condition must be contagious, because based on the reaction he received, each and every one of them must also have their head up their ass. And with that, Vince leaves the ring.

After the break, The Hurricane doesn’t show up to help his partner Rosie in their match against Cade and Murdoch. Instead, Gregory Helms (the Hurricane’s real name) just stands at the top of the ramp and watches Rosie get his ass beat. Yawn. At least they finally dropped the Hurricane bit. I feel a little bad for Cade and Murdoch, though. After the initial push the WWE gave them, only to have them end up in a lame match like this? They didn’t even give me a chance to make any Deliverance-rape jokes.

The main event pitted Kurt Angle against John Cena, with Mick Foley as special guest referee. Overall, the match is nothing special. A little interference from Carlito takes Foley out, so Eric Bischoff runs down to take his place. Of course, being Eric Bischoff, he can’t help but screw Cena, giving Angle another cheap victory.

All in all, I can’t believe how bad tonight’s show was. I can’t believe I watched it. In fact, for once I’m thinking maybe my wife is right. Did this week suck as bad as I think it did, or did it suck worse?