RAWGASM

WWE/RAW

By Guest Columnist | Wednesday, July 27, 2005 | 10:55 pm | 32 Comments

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[TVgasm's WWE coverage is brought to you by c-godd]

This weeks’ Monday Night RAW took place in Gund Arena in beautiful Cleveland, Ohio. I grew up in c-bus, so seeing The Gund on TV was something of a homecoming for me. Meaning the crowd was filled with fat, pasty-white Midwesterners. (Man, I miss having funnel-cake pancakes for breakfast.)

Tonight’s episode was centered around respect. John Cena didn’t respect Eric Bischoff. Shelton Benjamin didn’t respect Eric Bischoff. The people of Cleveland didn’t respect Chris Jericho, the self-proclaimed “Ayatollah of Rock-n-Rolla”. Nobody respects the mullet. But by night’s end, you wouldn’t be able to swing a dead cat without it getting covered in crunchy kibbles of respect.Kurt Angle, who actually won a Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympics, opened the show with the Angle Invitational, where he challenges the local “Hometown Hero” to a match. If they can survive three minutes in the ring with him, they win his medals. So far, Angle has yet to be defeated. Would tonight be any different? Does the Rock love pie? Because Angle’s Cleveland opponent was none other than Eugene, general manager Eric Bischoff’s “special” nephew. Eugene is something of a wrestling savant, meaning he knows every move of every wrestler in the history of professional wrestling. And the TV schedule for Judge Judy no matter what city he’s in. Eugene managed to throw Angle out of the ring with just ten seconds left, and Kurt couldn’t make it back into the squared circle in time, meaning Eugene now has Angle’s Olympic Gold Medal, which, no doubt, is already covered in drool.

Viscera was up next in tag-team action. His partner? A midget named Cloacas. Viscera (or “Big Vis” as he’s known today) used to be scary in an evil way. Now, he’s scary in a “sweaty fat man in a velvet sweat suit” way. If you’ve ever wondered what happened to all of Al Sharpton’s old track suits, wonder no more: they’ve been repurposed into one Big Vis love glove.

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As I said, Big Vis teamed with a midget. Do you remember how funny it was on Seinfeld watching tall, lanky Kramer roll around on the floor with Mickey, his vertically challenged acting partner? Yeah, Vis’ match was like that, only less sophisticated. Still, it’s hard to go wrong with a midget. If only they’d been able to figure a way to add a monkey and a couple of boobs (apart from the Heartthrobs, that is) to the mix, it’d have been Man Show heaven.

Tonight was also the much-hyped “Battle of the Bands” between John Cena, the current rapping World Champion (and by that, I mean he’s a world champion who raps, not the world champion rapper), and former world champion Chris “Y2J” Jericho’s metal band, Fozzy.

Cena is just the latest in the long line of successful white rappers to emerge from the WWE. He kind of reminds me of Mark Wahlberg in his Marky-Mark Calvin Klein days, except Cena didn’t get his big break because of his older, boy-band brother. NKOTB 4VR!

Anway, Cena came out, and to quote Randy Jackson, he did his thing, dawg. Jericho’s band Fozzy then refused to play, supposedly because they felt the Cleveland crowd was biased toward Cena’s crew, and thus not giving them the respect they deserved. In reality, however, it was because the band suddenly realized their singer was actually a professional wrestler named Y2J.

After a brief backstage bit ‘o banter between Bischoff and Carlito “Caribbean” Cool (I just love saying that name), the Heartbreak Kid (aka Shawn Michaels) came out, yammering on about his upcoming match with Hulk Hogan. (Yes, that Hulk Hogan.) I wish I knew more about these two old-timers, but my grandfather’s been dead for years, so I couldn’t call him up for the back story. My bad. (Well, actually it’s my grandpa’s bad for dying, but who’s counting.)

Time for little A-R-E-T-H-A, as Shelton Benjamin, who a few weeks back lost his Intercontinental Title to Carlito “Caribbean” Cool (see!) was put in a handicap match against Snitsky and Chris Masters, ostensibly for disrespecting Bischoff. Shelton lost when he couldn’t escape from Masters’ signature move, the Master Lock. (When I was a kid, we called this hold the Full Nelson, which just shows how much more cleverer the WWE writers are than a bunch of 8-year olds.) Just to drive the lesson home a little further, Masters refused to unlock the Master Lock, until the 7 ft, 500 lb giant, Big Show, came down and picked it. (See how I worked all that “lock” humor in there? Try the veal.)

Also, the RAW Diva Search is still going on. This week, they had a hot dog eating contest. As funny as seeing a bunch of stripper-wannabes yummy down on some hot dogs was, it paled in comparison to hearing Jerry “The King” Lawler carry on about watching a bunch of stripper-wannabes yummy down on some hot dogs.

Next up was the Kane/Edge “Stretcher Match”. A little back-story on these two: Kane, who in the WWE universe is the Undertaker’s brother, used to be married to Lita, who, in the WWE universe, is supposedly hot. Kane once forced Lita to have sex with him so he’d stop beating up her old boyfriend, Matt Hardy. Lita got pregnant by Kane, and ended up marrying the freak. How do we know he’s a freak? Because he wears one of those creepy Marilyn Manson white contact lenses. Oh, and he once set the show’s announcer, JR, on fire during an interview. Since losing their baby after a vicious attack by Snitsky, however, Kane and Lita’s marriage has been on the rocks. Kane’s fairytale finally came crashing down a few months back when Lita betrayed him and helped Edge, who looks way more like the Vampire Lestat than Tom Cruise ever did, win their PPV match. Now, the two are married and mocking Kane every chance they get, thus setting the stage for tonight’s carnage.

In a “Stretcher Match”, the first person to put his opponent on a stretcher and roll it past the finish line wins. In the beginning, Kane held his own, despite being choked out, hit over the head with the steel steps and having a Kendo stick cracked over his noggin, but eventually he lost thanks to some timely cheating from Lita and Edge’s metal briefcase. But wait! Before Edge and Lita could escape, Kane rose from the stretcher, ala Michael Myers in Halloween, threw Edge into the video monitor wall, and pile-drove Lita onto the stage. Lita’s original ex, Matt Hardy, took this opportunity to bumrush the ramp and attack Edge. (Gotta say, Matt’s gut is looking pretty hardy these days.) Kane then hijacked the ambulance, but not before asking Lita if she’d ever been on the Highway to Hell. (Cue evil music.) I hope there’s a Waffle House on this highway.

Finally, after a two-hanky retrospective on Hulkamania, it was time for the Main Event. John Cena versus Carlito “Caribbean” Cool. Personally, I’m not sure which is cooler about Carlito: his Justin Guarini hair or his love of a good Granny Smith spit-take. Regardless, my mom thinks he’s the bee’s knees.

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RAW general manager Eric Bischoff, who earlier in the night said he was going to teach Cena some respect, assigned Y2J as the special guest referee to do just that. Surprisingly enough, Jericho called a pretty fair match, up until the time it looked like Cena was about to deliver his signature move, the FU. Y2J then reverted to form and delivered a low blow to the champ, followed up by a Bulldog and Lionsault. From there, hilarity ensued, with Carlito getting the pin, and consequently, a title match with Cena next week.

So, what do you think? Does a RAW recap belong on TVgasm? If so, gimme a “Hell Yeah!” If not, then it sounds like you need a big glass of shut-up juice.

32 Comments

  1. 1
    B-Side
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 1:48 am

    As a former employee of the WWE, I always welcome a little wrestling to spice things up.

  2. 2
    Dave
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 7:14 am

    I like the wrestling recap

  3. 3
    Mike
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 7:45 am

    Fiiiiinally! RAW! Has! Come! BACK! To! TVgasm! (Well, except for the “back” part…)

    Please keep recapping RAW. It’ll give me an outlet for expressing my unbridled hatred of Eugene. Like this:

    My hatred of Eugene lacks a bridle.

  4. 4
    S-Dub
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 7:51 am

    Hell yeah this stuff belongs here… It is the man version of a soap opera… I SPIT IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO DONT WANNA BE COOL!!!

  5. 5
    scoop newsworthy
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 7:58 am

    HELL YEAH!

  6. 6
    Joker
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 8:25 am

    Loved it cause it is true all of it is true and by true I mean wrestleing is true and oh yeah it is real too

  7. 7
    Junkyard dog
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 8:33 am

    Midgets, funnel cakes, ambulance hijackings.

    What’s not to like.

    Keep the reports coming.

  8. 8
    CR
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 8:36 am

    Finally…WWE gets really R E S P E C T.

    News Break… Fake Wrestling more real than reality T.V.

    It’s True!

  9. 9
    Ed
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 9:02 am

    FINALLY a step in the right direction. I’d much rather find out what happened on RAW than nanny 911 factor and the geek or whatever “reality” crap is they’re still spewing out. Keep it up.

  10. 10
    captain_lou
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 9:07 am

    love it, keep it.

    PS: thanks for the lita/fugly comment – I never understood how that one stayed on…oh yeah, she’s slept with everyone.

  11. 11
    Zadooka
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 9:08 am

    Hell Yeah. C-Godd rules!

  12. 12
    J-Unit
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 9:13 am

    I love the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah almost as much as I love HBK! HBK! HBK!

  13. 13
    Nine
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 9:35 am

    Keep them coming… recaps of WWE are a great fit for TVGasm.

  14. 14
    Mango
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 9:37 am

    WWE and Cleveland are a match made in heaven.

    Much like mullets and Pennsylvania.

    Excellent piece.

    HELL YEAH

  15. 15
    Former wwF fan.
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 10:00 am

    While i have nothing against wrestling, being a former fan myself… I worry the demographic watching tvgasm will skew to the 14 year old looking for a wrestling news website. I mean, sorry to be the voice of dissent so far, but if you cover RAW, then you have to cover smackdown, and then you have to cover the other subpar shows, and then the next thing you know, you’re a wrestling website. bleahhhhh

  16. 16
    Katie
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 10:05 am

    Yo! You are totally in your literary element. Love the piece. Fantastic!!! Flawless!!!

  17. 17
    Mike
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 10:30 am

    It’s about as likely that recapping RAW and Smackdown will start TVgasm down a slippery slope toward “wrestling website” status as it is that recapping both Battlestar Galactica and The 4400 will somehow turn this place into a sci-fi geek site (geek being a handle I wear with pride, so don’t start about that…). Just keep the recaps centered on the entertainment value of the TV presentation without the “insider gossip” that wrestling fans crave and the WWE shows will fit in just fine here. c-godd’s recap might not’ve cut the mustard with the smart marks at Pro-Wrestling Torch but it was perfect for TVgasm. Loved it.

  18. 18
    Lisa
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 10:36 am

    Actually, I only came over here because I have your guest writer linked on my blog. I don’t even watch wrestling regularly (although my husband does).

    Having said that, I think he did a great job, it’s an entertaining read and easy to follow and appreciate even if you don’t “do” wrestling regularly!

    I will ship my husband over to read it, I am sure he will enjoy this kind of content!

    Keep it up!

  19. 19
    Hook
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 11:01 am

    This is my first time to this site (having been recommended to me by the office spaz) and I was really enjoying the articles … then I read this one. Having never been a fan of the World Wildlife Foundation, I think after reading this I may have to tune in. Well done, VERY entertaining.

  20. 20
    smithie
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 11:36 am

    Okay so although I have no love for wrestling, since I graduated from Lakewood High I feel the need to do a little dance for C-town and the Gund. For any of you not so lucky to be raised in Northeast Ohio you are probably not familiar with the wonder of architecture that my friends and I spent our teens calling the Gonorrhea. Did you know it would take 53 million basketballs to fill up the Gund? Viva le Cleveland!!!

  21. 21
    Eddiebosox
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 11:40 am

    I do seem to remember that episode where B-Side was a special guest on Pipers Pit. Or was that the Iron Sheik?

    “Russia number one! Iran number one! U.S.A!?? SPIT!”

  22. 22
    Paul
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 11:50 am

    This was great! My wife hates everything about wrestling, but thought this was hilarious. Keep it coming – HUGE WWE fan here!

  23. 23
    copygodd
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 12:16 pm

    thanks for all the love, everyone. you obviously can smel-l-l-l-l what i am cookin’.

    no worries about that slippery slope though, as i already take enough abuse from the wife for tivo-ing raw as it is. so, barring any unforeseen calamity, i won’t be covering smackdown or any of the other shows.

    it’s true. it’s damn true.

  24. 24
    k@os
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 1:12 pm

    Hell yeah! Finally somewhere I can turn for a recap that is not inundated with ads and popups.

    Copygodd 3:16. Keep ‘em coming.

  25. 25
    norsegod
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 1:43 pm

    COPYGODD RULES!!!

    You Da Man! c-godd, this was great! This is by fare the most entertaining recap of RAW I have seen to date… I wish you would do this every week.

  26. 26
    bacardi
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 3:06 pm

    Wrestling recaps on TVGasm! Now you’re talking! (or typing? whatever) Big WWE fan here… Thank You for this. Great Recap. And SmackDown recaps won’t be horrible either. I can’t wait ’til Trish Stratus comes back and puts a foot in Lita’s ass.

  27. 27
    garybibb
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 4:16 pm

    Dayum, this review is better than the ones I get on those free wrestling websites. No pop ups either ! Way to go.

  28. 28
    heroinegirl
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 4:49 pm

    Thanks for the update, big wrestling fan here :) Shame that you have a wife, you sound quite athletic :P

    I will be back

  29. 29
    AJ
    Posted July 28, 2005 at 9:37 pm

    B-side, you worked for WWE?

    More information,please. Whatcha do? Inquiring minds want to know.

    Yes, on Raw recap.

  30. 30
    copygodd
    Posted July 29, 2005 at 9:04 am

    an intern for the wwe? now THAT is cool.

    dirt, please.

    p.s. i forgot to ask about this yesterday. d’oh!

  31. 31
    Angie
    Posted July 29, 2005 at 9:24 am

    This is great!! :)

  32. 32
    zippy
    Posted July 29, 2005 at 12:39 pm

    Ever since Thunderlips beat up Rocky, I have hated “wrestling,” so I am all KMA Vince McMahon about this entire topic.

    I would like my shut up juice cold, either in one of those cool aluminum bottles or over ice, with a big bowl of STFUs to much on at the same time. Thanks.

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