Some Sperm Is Bigger Than Others

Back on July 27, I did my very first RAW recap for TVgasm. And like tonight’s RAW, it took place at the Gund Arena in beautiful Cleveland, Ohio. As I said back then, RAW in the Gund is like a televised homecoming for me, as I grew up just down I-71 a bit, in not-so-beautiful Columbus. Of course, a lot has changed since that fateful night. For one, Gund Arena is no longer Gund Arena. Now it’s the Q (short for Quicken Loans Arena). For another, I’ve lost 10 pounds. Unfortunately, some things haven’t changed a bit. John Cena still sucks. Nobody respects the mullet. And overall I’m still a fatty-fat-fat-fat.

Tonight’s show opens with Eric Bischoff standing in the middle of the ring. He looks a tad upset. Coach says Eric’s been that way all day. Why is he being such a Gloomy Gus? Is it because Team RAW lost last night at Survivor Series? Because he lost last night at Survivor Series? Or because he’s missing the Indianapolis/Pittsburgh game on Monday Night Football? You make the call. Bischy says he wants every contracted wrestler to join him in the ring. Right. This. Second. He wants to give them all a piece of his mind. Hopefully, not too big a piece, of course, because his family already has one “special” member in the very special Eugene.

Last night at Survivor Series, the RAW roster let Eric down. And that is unacceptable. “Failures will not be tolerated,” he says, as he waits for the wrestlers to make their way down to the ring. When nobody shows, he demands to know if there’s some kind of audio problem. Coach, of course, can’t understand why the wrestlers aren’t lining up in the middle of the ring to fellate the Bisch. “Why would anyone want to make him any madder?” he asks. Because nothing makes Eric madder than not being fellated on basic cable.

It’s pretty obvious that none of the wrestlers are coming down to the ring. Easy E’s down with that, and says he’s heading backstage. And he’s going to fire the first person he sees. What do you think the chances of that happening are? If you guessed “No Chance In Hell,” give yourself a kewpie doll. Because before Eric can get out of the ring, Mr. McMahon’s music hits. Uh-oh, Eric’s in trouble now. Vinnie McStrutsalot makes his way down to the ring and asks Eric if he’s going to fire him. I’m guessing no.

VKM tells Eric he let him down last night. “You had three goals,” Mr. McMahon says. “And none of them were met.” In Vin’s eyes, that makes Eric a failure. After all, perception is reality. Problem is, if the fans perceive Bisch to be a failure, they’ll perceive RAW to be a failure. And if they perceive RAW to be a failure, they’ll perceive Mr. McMahon to be a failure. And of course, if there’s one thing Vincent K. McMahon most definitely is not, it’s a failure. Well, unless you count the XFL, of course.

Vince gives Eric an ultimatum: set a goal tonight, and achieve it. If he doesn’t, Vince will start looking for a new general manager. Bischoff starts begging for his job, but once Shane O’Mac’s music hits, you know it’s going to be a long night for Eric. Shane dances his way down to the ring, almost falls doing the Shane O’Mac Shuffle and then hugs the old man. “I never liked you, Eric,” Shane tells Bischoff. “And I’m looking forward to seeing you go. Because I was born for this job.” Other things Shane was born for: chin implants.

Mr. McMahon dismisses Eric while he and Shane boogie down in the middle of the ring. Or at least as much as two steroid-using blue-bloods are capable of boogieing down.

After the break, HBK hits the ring. I hit the bottle. And the dreaded “Technical Difficulties” hit RAW. Once those are cleared up, we get footage from an exclusive online interview with Carlito, where he tells Todd Grisham that if he’d been Captain of Team RAW (Carlito, not Todd, which would be like putting Ghandi in charge of the Green Berets), “not only would it have been cooler, but we’d have won.”

(1) Shawn Michaels vs Carlito As soon as the match started, Carlito slapped HBK then spit an apple in his face. I like where this is headed. Both wrestlers trade chops before we’re interrupted — again — by Technical Difficulties. When we get the picture back, Carlito is trying to pin Michaels. Of course, he couldn’t do it. At one point, HBK attempts his patented jump up from a prone position move, only to throw his knee out. Joey Styles says if HBK goes down, “he’s going down fighting.” As opposed to Coach, who by the sounds of it would go down wearing nothing but a smile. Eventually, HBK delivers some Sweet Chin Music for the win.

Winner: Shawn Michaels via Pinfall.

Cool.

Backstage, Bischoff is pacing in the Leather Couch Room when Kurt Angle and his personal terrorist referee, Daivari, interrupt. And boy, is Kurt pissed. Last night was the biggest screw job in WWE history, he tells Eric. (Obviously, Kurt is forgetting about JR’s firing.) Kurt wants vengeance. Daivari wants vengeance. I want an oxycontin. Unfortunately, none of us will be happy by the end of the night.

Next we’re treated to some pictures from last night’s “Last Man Standing” match between Triple H and Ric Flair. You know it was super-bloody because most of the pictures are in black and white. HHH eventually won after taking Flair out with his sledgehammer. The announcers tell us the lesson from last night is that the sledgehammer is too much for any human being to withstand. I don’t know, Sledge Hammer doesn’t look all that tough to me.

Again we’re with Bischoff in the Leather Couch Room. Maria comes in and asks if he thinks he’ll be fired tonight. Eric can’t believe she asked such a stupid question. When he finds out Shane McMahon put her up to it, he goes nuts and tells Maria she’s going to wrestle Kurt Angle tonight. Why? Because he never wants to hear her ask another stupid question again. That and he likes seeing women get beat up by ex-Olympic athletes.

While Maria waits in the ring for Kurt to beat her ass, Daivari comes out and starts berating her. Chad Patton, the ref assigned to the match, tells Daivari to leave. At least that’s what I think he said, as neither of the refs have a microphone. What follows can best be described as a Mime-Off between the two refs to see who’ll get to call the match. Eventually, Chad punches Daivari, who acts like he’s giving up and leaving. Of course, Daivari attacks him as soon as he turns his back, and eventually slaps him in the Camel Clutch. Way to make a positive Middle Eastern role model, WWE.

(2) Kurt Angle vs Maria As Kurt makes his way to the ring, the “You Suck” chants are bleeped out. Stupid. Kurt tells Maria he’s a gentleman and won’t wrestle a woman. All he wants is a hug. They embrace in the middle of the ring, when Kurt gets an evil look in his eyes and gives Maria an Angle Slam. This, of course, brings Young EmCena down to the ring to defend young Maria’s honor, followed closely by Chris Masters to defend Angle’s. Masters puts Cena in the MasterLock and Angle and Daivari start beating on Cena. Suddenly, Bischoff comes out on the ramp and orders them to stop. He says he’s decided on a goal tonight, and that is to see John Cena tap out. So later it’ll be John Cena defending his title against Kurt Angle and Chris Masters in a No-DQ, No Count-Out, No-Elimination, Triple Threat Submission Match.

And so, after one hour of RAW, we’ve seen exactly one real match.

(3) Trish Stratus, Mickie James and Ashley vs Candice Michelle, Victoria, Torrie Wilson and Torrie’s dog Who’d have thought it would be possible to make gratuitous T&A boring? Mickie James, Trish’s stalker, pins Vics with Trish’s move, the Stratusfaction. Then she picks up Trish’s belt and does Trish’s pose. Coach says he can tell Trish is not happy. “I know women’s reactions,” he tells King, “and that isn’t happy.” Of course, Coach doesn’t tell King he how knows what an unhappy woman looks like, but I think we can figure it out.

Winner: Team Stalker.

After the commercial, Bischoff is on the phone (again!) when he’s interrupted by Shane, who wants to know if Bischoff thinks he’ll meet his goal tonight. He also wants to know if it made Bisch feel like a man to put Maria in a match against Kurt Angle. Eric doesn’t answer directly, instead telling Shane he’s just a “card-carrying member of the Lucky Sperm club.” Coach asks how he can join. Shane didn’t like that, though, and slams Eric against the wall, yelling: “Don’t you ever disrespect me, my sperm, my family’s sperm or my family’s business ever again! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch my Dad pull something out of JR’s ass.”

Daivari is putting the moves on Kurt in the locker room as they discuss strategy for tonight’s match. (Since when did Daivari learn to speak English?) As soon as he locks in the Ankle Lock, Kurt tells him, Daivari should ring the bell. Chris Masters comes in during the middle of their strategy session and is not very happy with the plan. “When Daivari screws Cena, Daivari screws me,” he tells them. Coach asks if he can join in. Because of that, young Mr. Masterpiece just went to the top of the ladder and asked Mr. McMahon for his own special referee for his first Championship match. So pop a squat, Daivari. Looks like you’ll have time to plan that jihad after all.

My first real screen grab and it’s Murdoch’s “O” face.

(4) Shelton Benjamin vs Trevor Murdoch Poor Shelton Benjamin. No sooner does his feud with the racist Kirwin White end than he’s stuck fighting the Deliverance Rapist. What’s a brother have to do to get some respect in the WWE? Evidently, he has to job to a buttmunch like Murdoch, who grabs Benjamin’s trunks for a little extra leverage in picking up the victory. Wait, that didn’t get Shelton any respect at all. The best part of this match is King’s commentary: “Trevor Murdoch is the product of a conjugal visit. And he looks like his neck threw-up.” Classic King.

Winner: Trevor Murdoch via Pinfall

Triple H is shown walking to the ring as we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, HHH is still walking to the ring. Boy, is he slow. When he finally gets there, he starts talking about what a humanitarian he is. After he destroyed Ric Flair last night, he made sure Ric was sent to the finest hospital in Detroit. It just happened to be located in Cleveland. He even got Flair a plasma TV in his room so he could watch RAW tonight. Then he blathers on for a while about how Flair should just stay down and accept his fate and… I’m sorry, I dozed off there for a minute. Is Triple H still talking? Of course he is. Thank goodness the Big Show’s music kicks in. Show gets in Hunter’s face and called him a piece of doodoo. He’d be happy to take on HHH in a fight right now. He doesn’t need a sledgehammer. He can beat Triple H with his own bare hands. Suddenly, Triple H is speechless. Primarily because Big Show knocked his microphone away, but still, it’s a start. The Game makes a hasty retreat backstage to the waiting bosom of Stephanie McSilicone.

When we get back from commercial, the next match is already going.

(5) Big Show and Kane vs Snitsky and Tyson Tomko in a Tag Team Title Match Not much to say about this one. Other than I hope the part we didn’t get to see was better than the part we did. But I doubt it.

Winner: Big Show and Kane via Pinfall.

After one final commercial break, it’s time for tonight’s main event: Eric Bischoff’s all-important Goal Match. If Cena wins, Bischoff loses his job. We know it’s an important match, because Coach actually talks through Chris Masters’ intro instead of pounding one off.

(6) John Cena vs Kurt Angle vs Chris Masters in a No-DQ, No Count-Out, No-Elimination, Triple Threat Submission Match Right off the bat Masters and Angle team up on the champ. Their newfound solidarity doesn’t last long, though, as Angle takes out Masters the first chance he gets. Angle puts Cena in the Ankle Lock, which Masters breaks up. He then puts Angle in the MasterLock. Before Angle can submit, Cena breaks up the hold, only to be put in the MasterLock himself. At this, the fans start up with a hearty “Cena Sucks!” chant. Yes, yes he does.

“What’s my name?

While Cena looks like he’s out of it, he still doesn’t submit. Just to be sure, Angle breaks up the hold by attacking Masters and trying to get the Ankle Lock. (Masters has the MasterLock, Angle has the Ankle Lock, Cena just has a lock on sucking.) Cena breaks that up, and Angle goes outside the ring for a chair. Cena kicks the chair back into Angle’s face, then smacks it across Masters’ knee. A couple more chair shots and Cena locks Masters in the STF, making him tap out.

Winner: John Cena via Submission.

The announce team can’t believe Cena actually knew a submission hold. The McMahons, meanwhile, are back in the Leather Couch Room watching a monitor. “Next week it’s time to take out the trash,” says father to son. “And by the way, thanks for defending my sperm.”

So what do you think? Will Eric Bischoff actually be fired next week? If so, will Coach lose his job too?