Monster Trash.

Well, seven days have come and gone since last week’s asscapades. And while I wasn’t sure if I’d even bother with a recap this week, passing out candy to the kids on my favorite holiday put me in such a good mood I felt I had to give it a shot. Besides, after last week’s spelunking expedition into the very bowels of JR, surely RAW had nowhere to go butt up this week, right? Eh, not so much…

Since it’s Halloween, the Coach and Jerry Lawler are wearing costumes: Coach is dressed as Conrad McMasters from Walker: Texas Ranger, while the King is dressed as himself. I don’t know which is scarier. Wait a minute, Coach is actually dressed as a Stone Cold redneck. Okay, I still don’t know which is scarier, but I’m pretty sure I’m gonna need another beer. Starting off tonight’s show are general manager Eric Bischoff and Chris Masters. Since he’s coming out (ha!) with Bischoff, Masters doesn’t get to play his intro music. Which means Coach barely has time to splooge in his cutoffs. Masters issues a special “MasterLock Challenge” for Rey Mysterio, who’s accompanied to the ring by SmackDown manager Theodore Long. Masters tells Mysterio he didn’t think Rey’d have the guts to show up, then lifts Rey-Rey up onto a chair. Unfortunately, that just puts Mysterio within reach of Masters and his huge head, neither of which were prepared for the assault that followed. Bischoff quickly called for backup. Ready Teddy called for backup, too. Considering Bischoff’s backup was Kirwin White, Snitsky, Cade, Murdoch, Edge and Lita, while Theo’s was JBL, Christian, Hardcore Holly and Matt Hardy, it’s no wonder Bischoff’s boys got their collective asses beat. These guys couldn’t beat SmackDown’s new Peewee Junior Division, let alone five of their top performers. Right-Said-Ted promised more embarrassment tomorrow for RAW at Taboo Tuesday. Hopefully he wasn’t referring to a replay of this match.

Does this midget make me look tall?

(1) Kurt Angle defeats Tajiri The Japanese Buzzsaw almost kicked his way to victory, until he tried to lock in the Tarantula, which has to be one of the dumbest moves ever. Evidently Angle agrees, as he reversed the move and locked in the Ankle Lock. Why didn’t Tajiri just spit the green mist like all good Japanese wrestlers do? Afterward, Angle talked some smack about Cena, who, of course, bumrushed the ring. Angle wouldn’t stay and fight though, and simply walked away, leaving Young EmCena alone again, naturally. Can you believe the heat these two are building for tomorrow night’s match at Taboo Tuesday? I’m surprised I haven’t spontaneously combusted just recapping it. Wait, no I’m not.

After the break, we get a little banter between Coach and the King. Seems the Coach has given himself an actual red neck for his costume. “Normally, I don’t get along with rednecks,” he tells Lawler. “But tonight I’m getting along with myself very well,” adding, “Especially when Chris Masters came out earlier. I can’t wait till Rob Conway comes out later, so I can get along with myself even better. Anyone seen my tissues?”

Next up, a retrospective on the history between former BFFs Triple H and Ric Flair. These guys fight and get back together more often than Ross and Rachel. Only there’s less bloodshed. Flair woos his way down the ramp, telling Hunter he’s kissed his ass for so long, tomorrow night he’s going to kick it. He’s also hugged him so long that tomorrow night he’s going to mug him. Too bad he didn’t say anything about how he’s tagged him for so long that tomorrow night he’s going to gag him. I’d watch that. Instead, he begged the fans to put him in a cage match with HHH at Taboo Tuesday. I’m surprised he’s not bleeding already.

(2) Eugene defeats Rob Conway via DQ Eugene loves him some WWE Legends. Which is why he’s so upset with The Conman, who’s been working his way through members of the Seniors Legends Division faster than a sack of White Castle’s through my drunken bowels. Unfortunately for Eugene, JR is still gone, so there was nobody to mention his freakish strength. No mention of freakish strength means no win for the Special One. Conway gets himself disqualified for hitting Eugene with a steel chair. Before he can punish Eugene any more, however, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Jimmy Snuka and Kamala come to his rescue, each delivering their signature moves.

“I’m lovin’ it.”

Cut to Lawler, wearing one of those stupid Burger King masks. (Have I mentioned how much The (Burger) King creeps me out? Thank goodness nobody showed up at my house last night wearing that mask, because I’d have kicked them square in the nutz and then stolen their candy. Yeah, that’s how I roll.) Anyway, Lawler delivers another awkward product promo before running down to the ring and hitting Conway. It was so creepy, McDonald’s should consider running this segment as their next ad campaign.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is attempting to interview Gregory “Don’t Call Me Hurricane” Helms. Unfortunately, Grisham is dressed as Sophia from The Golden Girls dressed as Harry Carey, so Helms won’t talk with him. Todd’s unfortunate costume choice didn’t stop Mrs. Foley’s baby boy from talking though. Foley said he’d been in the TV truck putting together a surprise for Carlito, then complimented Grisham on his Church Lady outfit.

Speaking of Carlito, he’s down in the ring, sans Cabana, with a message for Foley. The Cool One doesn’t care which face of Foley he’ll be facing tomorrow night at Taboo Tuesday, because his is the only face that matters. Suddenly, Dude Love is on the TitanTron! He guarantees Carlito no mercy. Wait, it’s Cactus Jack. He can’t guarantee Carlito anything. Except pain. Bang bang! Finally, it’s Mankind, my personal favorite, who delivered the following bit of verse: “Oh Carlito, oh Carlito. What you did last week wasn’t cool or neato. So I guess I’m going to have to make you bleedo, like Rocky and Apollo Creedo. On Mankind’s two fists you will beato, as if they were two giant Cheetos. Or if you’re in the mood for cotton tacos, say hello to Mr. Socko! And when the match is all completo, you’ll leave skidmarks in your Speedo. Have a nice day!” And my wife wonders why I love Foley so…

Carlito looks a bit worried, but Coach tells him he’ll be fine. Speaking of Coach, it’s time he called out Stone Cold. And that’s the bottom line, because Stone Cold Coachman said so. Man, I hate this Coach more than I hated my high school football coach. And he once broke a clipboard over a player’s head.

After the commercials, Coach is in the ring, waiting for Austin to come out. When Austin won’t show, JC says it’s because he probably smells a rat. More than likely, it’s tonight’s show he smells, but whatever. But guess what? There is a rat. And his name is Goldust. Surely Austin would come out for another chance to stick Goldtub in a Port-a-Pottie. But no, all we get is Vince, who tells us Stone Cold was involved in an accident over the weekend and won’t be here tonight or tomorrow night at Taboo Tuesday. This means Coach wins tomorrow’s night match by default. Vince can’t vouch for the validity of Austin’s excuse, but said he’d promised the fans Coach would be wrestling at Taboo Tuesday, so he was still going to have a match. And since Coach was RAW’s number one announcer, it was only fitting he fight SmackDown’s number one announcer, Funaki! (What, no Michael Cole? I’d pay to see that match.)

Funaki hits the ring. Goldust hits Funaki. Funaki hits the mat. Next.

Steph must have loaned Coach her balls again, because he gets all stupid-brave and says he can beat a bigger SmackDown superstar than Funaki. “You tell the SmackDown roster if any of them wants to face the Coach, I’ll be happy to beat them up too.” Rather than just pull a random name out of JR’s ass, Vince says the first SmackDown superstar to come out would be Coach’s opponent. While Coach was no doubt hoping for someone like Nunzio, instead he gets Batista. At this, King says “Coach may have let his alligator mouth overload his hummingbird rear-end.” I’m not sure what it means, but it’s more interesting than anything going on in the ring.

So let’s recap: Taboo Tuesday‘s match between Stone Cold and the Coach — which was originally intended to decide whether JR gets his job back — is now between Batista and Coach, with Goldust in Coach’s corner? Could this get any worse? Wait, did someone say “Vader Time?” Yes, Vader comes down to the ring and helps Coach and Goldud beat up Batista. Looks like Vader is also going to be in the Coach’s corner tomorrow night. Providing he recovers from the huge fall he took on his huge ass whilst getting out of the ring. (Hey, if there’s one thing recapping RAW and The Biggest Loser has taught me, fat man falling on fat ass equals comedy gold, Jerry. Comedy gold!)

“Anyone seen my head? Anyone?”

(3) Triple H defeats Viscera This match was supposed to take place last week, but was stopped before it even started when Flair jumped HHH on his way to the ring. Too bad he didn’t do it again this week, as it would’ve saved me the trouble of seeing Triple H trying to stick Big Vis’s head between his legs while setting him up for the Pedigree. Man, this is the scariest Halloween ever!

Todd Grisham as Will Ferrell as Harry Carey is back, and this time he has his sights set on interviewing John Cena. Cena thinks Grisham is dressed as Barbara Bush, or maybe Orville Redenbacher, or maybe Beethoven. Doesn’t matter, because Cena, reflecting back on how his Vanilla Ice costume a couple years back gave him his big push, gives Todd the chance to show his stuff. Unfortunately, Todd’s stuff consisted of the same Harry Carey impersonation Will Ferrell used to do on SNL back when he was still funny, prompting Cena to take the mike from Harry and deliver all his catchphrases. None of them get a pop from the audience. Do I smell trouble in Cenadise? Nope, just tonight’s poopfest.

(4) The Big Show and Kane defeat The Heartthrobs in a Texas Tornado Match The Heartthrobs enter the ring first, dressed as Batman and Batman. Who’d've guessed being Robin was too gay for a couple of frosted midcard guys named Antonio and Romeo? This match quickly turned into a game of “Anything you can do I can do better” between Big Show and Kane, who win after a double choke slam and double pin.

Next up is the Diva Costume Contest. Ashley was Dark Angel. Maria was a regular angel. (King says he can’t wait to get inside her pearly gates. Didn’t Prince write that for Sheena Easton?) Candice was Catwoman. Victoria, a baseball player. Mickie James, the stalker, was dressed as Trish Stratus, her stalkee. Trish was Wonder Woman. Torrie Wilson, meanwhile, played a smart girl and skipped the whole contest.

King started the voting on who has the best costume. Almost immediately, Mickie berated the crowd for not cheering for Trish. From there, it only got uglier, as this picture clearly illustrates.

Make a wish!

(5) John Cena versus Shawn Michaels ends in No Contest The highlight of this match was HBK’s outfit, which had so many pop-tops on it I’m surprised the giant electromagnet in Lost‘s hatch didn’t suck him down to the island. Which would be fitting, as this was a pretty sucky match. Eventually, after neither wrestler was able to land their signature moves, Angle ran down and started stomping both men. Cena recovered and was about to give Angle the FU when HBK delivered some sweet-chin music. With both wrestlers down, HBK picked up the championship belt, looked at it lovingly, then dropped it on Cena’s chest, thus ending another lackluster episode.

While it was nothing to write home about, overall tonight’s show was slightly better than last week’s. But only in the same way an icewater enema is slightly better than one administered with isopropyl alcohol. Am I wrong?