The Passion of the Matt

[by copygodd. you can read his blog at http://copygodd.blogspot.com.]

Ah, the sacrifices I make for my 5-9 regular TVgasm readers. (You know who you are.) Two-plus hours spent watching and taking notes from my Tivoed RAW. Seven Rolling Rocks. One-plus vicodin. Three-plus snark-filled hours of hunt-and-peck. All to bring you this crap:

Tonight kicked off with the second stop of the Eugene Invitational tour. As RAW was broadcasting from Pittsburgh, PA, the audience wondered who Eugene’s “Hometown Hero” opponent could possibly be? H.J. Heinz? Andy Warhol? Jimmy Stewart? Unfortunately, they’re all dead, so we had to settle for Kurt Angle. (We can only imagine how cool it would have been to see Andy Warhol’s reanimated corpse shuffle into the squared circle…)In both reputation and size, Eugene is probably the biggest ‘tard to perform in Pittsburgh since Terry Bradshaw hung up his cleats. (And before anyone gets on me about using the word ” ‘tard” to describe Eugene, remember, I’m just talking about his character. I’m sure the man behind the genius that is Eugene has a very normal IQ. Terry Bradshaw, on the other hand, is still riding the short limo.)

The ‘tard won the match (and got to keep Kurt’s medal) when Kurt was disqualified for hitting the referee a third time. But wait! One of those times was actually a patented Judo-CHOP!^TM by Eugene, who made a quick “He who smelt it dealt it” face and blamed it on Angle. At one point, Eugene also rode Angle around the ring like Ron Jeremy on a yohimbo bender, which appeared to upset Angle just a bit, as he’s not used to bottom status. Later, as payback, Angle secured a “No Time Limit” Summer Slam match with Eugene, wherein he promised to end Eugene’s career faster than that of Yahoo Serious.

Kurt Angle is Michael Chiklis.

Our next match featured Shelton Benjamin versus Chris Masters. Again. I don’t know why RAW keeps trying to build heat between these two, as Survivor: Palau‘s Bobby Jon was better at making fire than Benjamin and Masters. Rather than bore you with the predictable outcome (Masters won by using the Master Lock), I present the following evidence of Jerry Lawler and the Coach’s continuing man-crush on the Masterpiece. Coach: I just love greatness. King: And masterpieces. Coach: That too. King: He’s (Masters) a walking, living, breathing art museum. JR: You guys want a cigarette now or what?

Rob Conway was interviewed getting ready for his match with Viscera, the 500-lb Love Machine. The ditzy blondish interviewer was impressed with Conway’s claim of being 98% fat-free. “Don’t worry,” he assured her. “I’m still filling.” Yeah, filling the void left by the Village People. Big Vis came out and told Conway he was looking good, with his “leather boots, see-through panties and Mu-Fanchu moustache.” (God, I hope he meant to say that.) Vis added Conway would look even better face down after receiving a big dose of Visagra^TM. YUCK!!

(After a quick shower, we resume…) During a backstage interview with Edge on Mr. McMahon’s decision to rehire Matt Hardy, we learned that Edge actually asked Vince to rehire Matt, so Edge could “legally assault” him. Edge also laughed at the lack of passion shown by Matt during his return last week. In Edge’s opinion, it was that very same lack of passion which led Lita to leave Matt for Edge, and now Matt owes his “Main Event” status to the fact that his ex-girlfriend is schtooping a proven “Main Eventer”. (I’d have to agree with Edge on this one, as Matt continually shows less passion than BB‘s James and Sarah, who are still thought to be brother and sister by all the housemates.) Edge then proved his manliness by tongue-kissing a neck-braced Lita. At least in a brace she won’t spill his beer.

Conway took on Big Vis next. As Conway’s new intro music sounds suspiciously like Randy Newman, it makes me wonder just how financially stable Disney really is these days. (An I Love Con-way knockoff is surely just a few weeks away.) Big Vis seems to have traded in his outfit made of Al Sharpton’s discarded track suits for an outfit made of Hugh Hefner’s discarded pajamas. Conway quickly eliminated the vertical base of the WWE’s “Barry White” to win the match.

Just when you thought the evening couldn’t get any more boringer, we’re treated to a six-person mixed tag match with The Hurricane, Rosie and Super Stacie versus The Heart Throbs and Victoria. The only thing interesting about this match is that Rosie is a Super Hero In Training.

Y2J’s Highlight Reel featured a special interview with general manager Eric Bischoff. After the reciprocal handjobs, Y2J took the opportunity to play Fozzy’s (his band) new video, To Kill A Stranger, set to highlights of his recent beatings of WWE Champion John Cena. When Bischoff asked Jericho what happened during last week’s match between Carlito and Cena (which Jericho refereed and Carlito lost), Jericho blamed it on the substitute ref, Chad Patton, who was quickly called out by Bischoff. After giving the ref a few wet willies and tittie twisters (what, no noogies?), Bischoff made a match between Patton and Jericho, which Young MCena promptly came down and broke up. Immediately afterward, that commercial from Vonage came on and broke my train of thought. Does anyone know who does the song they use?

The RAW Diva Search continued. And America continues not to care. I tried to think of something amusing to write about tonight’s competition, but nothing I came up with topped this line from the WWE’s site: “The end is so close that Ashley, Kristal, Elisabeth and Leyla can taste it.”

Matt Hardy finally had a real match on RAW. And it was against Snitsky, the guy who made Lita miscarry (is that even a real word?) Kane’s baby, which she was carrying as a result of Kane’s forcing her to have sex so he’d quit beating up Matt. You’d think Matt would be grateful to Snitsky for causing Lita to have a miscarriage, but if he were, you couldn’t tell. Matt eventually won, only to have Edge come out and start bitch-slapping him about the head and shoulders.

Finally, we were treated to the world premiere of John Cena’s newest rap video, Right Now. Maybe it’s just the vicodin and Rolling Rock talking, but I haven’t seen a video from a WWE rapper this “dope” and “off the hook” since ICP’s Shockumentary. (Dope? Off the hook? My mom’s right: I am pretty wry for a white guy.)

The night ended with a “Face-to-Face” meeting between Shawn “The Showstopper” Michaels and Hulk “Hulk” Hogan. True to his nickname, “The Showstopper” almost single-handedly brought tonight’s episode to a screeching halt. Does anyone remember when this guy was interesting? Yeah, me neither. But I do remember when he wore trunks with the words “Heartbreak of Psoriasis” splayed across his ass. (Not really. But wouldn’t that be a cool name for a wrestler? His finishing move would have to be called the Pustular.)

And what’s the deal with Hogan still wrestling after being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame? Seriously, what other sport has Hall-of-Famers still suiting up? You don’t see the International Boxing Hall of Fame asking Muhammad Ali to wobble back into the ring for one last match. Although to be honest, I’d pay big money to see Ali fight a resurrected Andy Warhol.

Hogan and Michaels’ face-off had all the intensity of the ’92 VP debate between Al Gore, Dan Quayle and Vice Admiral James Stockdale. I kept waiting for Hogan to ask “Who am I? Why am I here?” Alas, the only question he asked of Shawn Michaels was “What are you going to do when Hulkamania runs all over you?” Evidently, if tonight is any indication, Michaels is going to Superkick Jerry Lawler in the jaw.

And that’s for Andy Kaufman!

If only Stockdale had done that to debate moderator Hal Bruno…

What did you think of tonight’s episode?