The Rock and a Hard Place

Is it just me, or has RAW been getting a bit repetitious lately? Week in and week out, general manager Eric Bischoff puts Cena in a variety of unfair matches, all designed to take his title. And week in and week out, Cena somehow overcomes the odds and wins. It’s really starting to make writing these recaps hard. Hehhehheh. I said hard.

Tonight’s RAW kicked off in a big way with the Big Show taking on Edge. Big Show was having his way with the smaller Edge until Snitsky, Show’s opponent at this Sunday’s Unforgiven PPV, interfered. Not one to be outdone by a toe-sniffing perv like Snitsky, Matt Hardy rushed the ring and attacked Edge. Not one to be outdone by a no-talent ass-clown like Matt Hardy, Eric Bischoff then stopped the match and made a tag match between Edge and Snitsky versus Big Show and Matt Hardy. The match is okay, but the commentary is definitely top-notch. Case in point: JR asks “Where else can you find the athleticism, the drama and the impact you find here every Monday night?” King adds, “Don’t forget the action, adventure and a little humor thrown in every now and then.” Coach then butts in with, “And the homoeroticism. Don’t forget the homoeroticism.” “Oh yeah,” the other announcers agree. “We can’t forget the homoeroticism.” Later, when Big Show drops Edge on the family jewels, Coach points out the distraught look on Lita’s face, explaining “she knows what’s coming — or not coming — in a little while.” (Finally, some non-gay commentary from the Coach. Although it was still centered around the output of Edge’s thingy.) Eventually, Edge takes out the Big Show with his metal briefcase, and Matt Hardy loses. Again. To add insult to injury, Lita kicks him in the nuts before delivering Matt’s own finishing move, the Twist of Fate. Then she pees on him.

After the break, HBK is introduced by WWE intern Todd Grisham. As if HBK needs any introduction: He’s the Showstopper. Which, of course, he promptly does, delivering an incoherent tirade against Chris Masters. Thankfully, HBK’s speech is interrupted by none other than America’s favorite sweat gland, Ric Flair. Seems Flair is wrestling Masters later tonight, and wanted to take this opportunity to deliver some pre-match wooing.

Up next we’re treated to a match featuring the WWE’s newest racist, Kerwin White. In case you don’t know K-White’s back-story, he used to be Chavo Guererro, but got tired of being mistaken for a certain spicy Latina waitress from Miami. So he dyed his hair blonde, legally changed his name to Kerwin White and is now mistaken for a certain blonde VIP cocktail waitress from Miami. Actually, he now claims to represent all of middle-class America, because as we all know, middle class America hates blacks. Tonight, K-White is fighting Shelton Benjamin, one of the few African Americans currently employed by the WWE. This whole racist bit is really, really lame, and during the match I actually found myself missing Coach’s blatant gay-libbing. The match ends when K-White is disqualified for breaking a nine-iron over Benjamin’s back.

Next up is a pre-taped Kurt Angle promo for Sunday’s title match with John Cena. Angle refers to himself as “the most intense, vicious son-of-a-bitch in the WWE.” He’s so intense that he never blinks during the entire 60-second spot. Which means either Kurt really is as intense as he says, or he just really, really needs to get laid. Of course, Kurt isn’t just vicious and intense. He also spits. A lot. In fact, I’d say Kurt Angle spits more than my high school prom date, if only I’d gone to the prom.

After a video recap of last week’s chick fiasco, Jerry “The King” Lawler delivers what has to be the most awkward product placement in RAW history. The RAW divas come out, and we cut to a shot of Lawler saying “if it’s diva time, it’s time for ‘BOD-Man Body Spray,’” which he sprays all over himself.” Just spray some on in the morning, and it lasts all night long, if you know what I mean,” he explains. “Hopefully, ‘BOD-Man Body Spray’ does last all night long,” adds the Coach, “as we know you don’t.” Both announcers then pick on JR, wondering if even “BOD-Man Body Spray” would work for someone as fat as the Boomer Sooner. (All of which begs the question: if JR really is that fat, perhaps he should take some time off from RAW to enter NBC’s new season of The Biggest Loser? That way, I could continue to write about him, as I will also be recapping this show later this week. Yay me!) This whole bit serves to reintroduce the women’s champ, Trish Stratus, this time as a babyface. A babyface who evidently lost a bet and now has to wear her hair Farrah-style.

Ric Flair is battling Chris Masters in one-on-one action. A few weeks back, Masters made a beaten and bloody Flair succumb to the MasterLock. Tonight, however, Flair is in top form, meaning he’s sweating more than Frank on an episode of Trading Spaces: Dante’s Pit. Based on Flair’s performance last week, when he grabbed Carlito by the ‘nads, not only is Chris Masters understandably nervous about his “Little Masterpiece,” but so are Coach and Lawler. Masters is a young up-and-comer, and while I don’t really like his character, it speaks highly of his potential that he can wrestle this well with both announcers so firmly planted on his dick. The match is okay, but again the highlights are the color commentary. King: “Chris Masters is growing right before our very eyes.” Coach: “Yeah, so’s my pants.” Flair eventually uses a unique combination of dirty moves and cheating to lock the figure-four on Masters, but Carlito (Flair’s opponent at Unforgiven) rushes in to save Masters. HBK then rushes in and saves Flair, but is quickly taken out by Masters, who once again makes HBK submit to the MasterLock. To paraphrase Carlito, “that’s not cool.”

It’s been almost 90 minutes, and there hasn’t been a single gay-rape reference yet. Thank god the next match pits Cade and Murdoch against Eugene and Tajiri. This match is nothing but bad stereotypes: Eugene is retarded. Tajiri (the Japanese Buzzsaw) is sneaky and spits green mist in the face of his opponents. Cade has feathered hair. And Murdoch, of course, is the Deliverance-rapist. To make matters worse, this guy’s physique is so bad he should be a contestant on NBC’s new season of The Biggest Loser, which, by the way, I happen to be recapping for TVgasm starting this week. Yay me!

Evidently, tonight’s show was running a little too fast, because after Cade and Murdoch’s victory, Lita and Edge walk out to give an impromptu promo for this Sunday’s Steel Cage Match between Edge and Matt Hardy. Edge says he’s talking to Matt from the “Devil’s Pulpit” (WTF?) and then taunts Matt, saying he’ll never have a chance to experience Lita’s tongue again. Sticking with the “Devil’s Pulpit” theme, Edge then rips Lita’s tongue out of her mouth and quickly eats it, telling Matt “you’ll never get to eat Lita’s tongue and have it block up your intestines again either.” (So that’s what happened to Bo Bice.)

As I mentioned earlier, general manager Eric Bischoff is still obsessed with taking the title from John Cena. When Jericho couldn’t get it done, Bischoff fired him. Tonight, he’s put Cena in a Handicap Match against Kurt Angle and Tyson “The Close-Talker” Tomko. Before the match, however, Cena approaches Bischoff backstage and seemingly gives up, telling Eric that he “just doesn’t have it in him any more,” before offering the belt to Bischoff. Just as Eric’s about to take the belt, Cena yanks it back and calls Bischoff stupid. Man, that Cena is quick with a witty barb. Times like this drive home just how low-rent a version of The Rock Cena actually is. It’s like when you were in middle school, and all the cool kids were wearing Levis, and your Mom bought you Husky Toughskins…the Toughskins are Cena. Maybe we should start calling him The Pebble.

Their match follows the standard handicap formula, with a lot of double-teaming and near pinfalls, and Cena eventually pinning Tomko, the lesser opponent, only to be jumped by Angle afterward in an attempt to soften him up for this Sunday’s match. At least we didn’t have to watch Cena deliver the Five Knuckle Shuffle, his Toughskins version of the People’s Elbow.

What did you think of tonight’s episode? Was it good enough to make you pay for Unforgiven this weekend? Or did it just heighten the anticipation for tonight’s premiere of The Biggest Loser, which I also happen to be recapping? (I did mention that, didn’t I?)