Too Cool by Half

Tonight’s episode opens with Carlito’s Cabana. And Carlito, who spits in the face of people who don’t want to be cool, is looking full of spit and vinegar. What happened, did Hurricane Katrina delay his shipment of apples? No, he’s just mad because his good buddy Y2J was fired last week. Wait, he’s not mad; he was just kidding! Kidding is cool. Carlito’s guest is none other than The Showstopper, Shawn Michaels. According to announcer Jim “Boomer Sooner” Ross, Michaels is “dressed to the nines” tonight. According to my television screen, however, HBK is wearing khakis and a dark blue blazer. Guess I don’t need to tell you that JR is from Oklahoma. After a bit of verbal fisticuffs, Carlito announces his surprise second guest, none other than Chris Masters, whom HBK is scheduled to compete against later tonight. Unfortunately, Masters’ pyrotechnics don’t work during his entrance, and it’s all downhill from there. In the ring, the two team up on HBK, who’s eventually saved by the giant sweat gland known as Ric Flair. WOOOO!!!

After the break, Carlito and Masters are complaining to general manager Eric Bischoff about what just happened. “I think I have a solution,” says Bischoff. To which Carlito responds, “Alright then, solute the problem.” Evidently, mangling the English language is cool. Bischoff then puts Carlito and Masters in a tag match against Flair and HBK. That’s not cool.

Time for a Handicap Match between the Big Show and two guys who lost a bet, Steve Madison and Buck Quartermain. (Personally, I think Quartermain came up with his name using the “What’s Your Porn Name?” technique, when you combine your middle name with the name of the street you grew up on. For the record, mine is Edward Wymore.) In the words of JR, the Big Show was “tossing bodies around like they were double-meat cheeseburgers.” (Yeah, I don’t know what it means either.)

Ooh, look, it’s the RAW Divas, Tori Wilson and that Candice chick from the GoDaddy commercial. They want to apologize to Ashley, the newest Diva, for the beatdown they gave her last week. Ashley comes out and… Ah, who gives a crap.

Looks like Larry the Cable Guy is going to be joining the RAW roster soon. Oh wait, that’s just Murdoch, one-half of the WWE’s newest stereotypes, Cade and Murdoch. This is bad. A styrofoam cup of Skoal juice has more charisma than these two. The only thing to look forward to here is that Murdoch also happens to be the Deliverance-rapist, and the WWE just hasn’t had enough Deliverance-rape lately.

Uh-oh, one of the WWE interns has grabbed a microphone and interrupts Edge during a heartfelt sing-a-long of Kumbaya. Wait, those aren’t just some random hippies with Edge, it’s Alter Bridge, the band who performs his new theme song. Edge goes on to do a lame promo for tonight’s “Street Fight” with Matt Hardy. Not to be outdone, Matt Hardy and Lita follow up with an even lamer promo for tonight’s Street Fight. “You can go to Hell,” Lita tells Matt, who, channeling the spirit of Ben Affleck, tells her, “Oh, I’ll go to Hell. But I’m not going alone. I’m taking Edge with me.” This begs the question, which is faker: Matt Hardy/Ben Affleck’s acting or Lita’s boobs/camel toe? Discuss.

A random tech guy is seen running into HBK’s locker room. What’s wrong? It’s Ric Flair! He’s been mauled by a killer rabbit! With big pointy teeth! Actually, he’s just been attacked by unknown assailants. I like the killer rabbit story better, though. Why did the random tech guy run and grab HBK? Weren’t there any EMTs hanging around backstage? Maybe he get confused by the three letters: EMT? HBK? Fortunately, the real EMTs soon show up, only to pronounce Flair DOA.

After watching the Street Fight between Edge and Matt Hardy v6.9, I take back all the jokes I’ve made about them over the past few weeks. This was a fun match. For the uninitiated, in a Street Fight, there are no rules. Just right. (Tonight’s Street Fight brought to you by Outback Steakhouse.) This means you can use anything you want to attack your opponent. Tonight’s items included: a trash can lid, trash can, kendo stick/Singapore cane, steel chair, steel ladder, steel steps, steel magnolias and, eventually, the electronics table and about 400 kajillion megagigawatts of electricity. JR calls the match “legalized mayhem” adding, “these two men, if they’re not in Hell, they’re at the city limits.” The Coach points out that technically, Hell is more of a kingdom than a city, and that JR should have said “they’re at the kingdom limits” but then realizes how gay that sounds and shuts up.

The match ends when Matt grabs Edge and throws him off the entrance ramp and through a table holding a lot of the show’s electronic equipment. Neither of the wrestlers are moving. A bunch of stagehands rush out, this time with the real EMTs, and the show comes to a sudden halt as the two men are put on stretchers and wheeled out of the arena. At one point, we get a look at Edge’s face, who seems to be genuinely afraid, and keeps asking about his neck. (He spent a year on the DL a few years back with a broken neck, so this is understandable.) My mood of believability is shattered, however, when one of the extras tells Edge “wiggle your toes. If you can wiggle your toes, your neck’s fine. Bitch.” Thanks for your expert medical opinion, Nurse Ratchet.

The champion, John Cena, is on next. “You can’t see me” is one of Cena’s catchphrases. Tonight, I only wish that were true as he trots out a totally lame Geico joke and a prolonged “Difference between men and women” routine. (Women pee sitting down! Men pee standing up! Except Kurt Angle, who squats to pee and carries a purse! Like a woman!) After my totally fabricated segue, Cena calls out Kurt Angle, the number one contender for the title. Angle is sporting a new “American by Birth, Angry by Choice” shirt soon available at all Oklahoma Neiman Marcus locations. The crowd starts calling Angle an asshole, which, for some reason, SpikeTV doesn’t bleep out until the third chant. Angle won’t take Cena’s challenge though, so Cena ups the ante, reminding Kurt of how he’d attacked Cena when he wasn’t looking last week. “I know you like hitting guys from behind,” Cena says, before turning around and shaking his ass at Kurt. “I’m just gonna put that vibe out there.” At this Angle finally bumrushes the ring (get it? bum?), but is pulled back by security before he can do any damage.

Tyson “The Problem Solver” Tomko is in a match against Rosie, who holds the tag team title with his superhero partner, The Hurricane. If Tyson really wants to live up to his name, perhaps he should try solving the problem of his underdeveloped lower body. This guy looks like what you’d get if you stuck Lou Ferrigno’s torso on Karen Carpenter’s present-day legs. Stephen Hawkins’ legs have better definition. Tomko wins when he knocks out Rosie.

Finally, it’s time for tonight’s main event: HBK versus Carlito and Chris Masters. Of course, a Chris Masters match can only mean one thing: another chance for Coach to proclaim his undying love for The Masterpiece. This time, Masters’ pyrotechnics go off without a hitch as he makes his way toward the ring. And I must say if the fireworks were half as impressive as Coach’s orgasm, then Chris Masters is a lucky man indeed.

No explanation was given as to why HBK wasn’t allowed to choose a new partner for this match, after Flair was sent to the hospital, although I’m guessing it’s because that might have ruined the “big surprise” when Flair came back during the match to save HBK’s bacon. (Flair’s return was about as surprising as a Chenbot malfunction: you know it’s coming, the only question is when.) Too bad the self-proclaimed “Dirtiest Player in the Game” didn’t use a cheap nut shot on Masters when he had the chance, because Masters locked him in the Masterlock to pick up the victory. That’s not cool.

So what did you think of tonight’s show? Was it cool?