X Factor Recap: Another One Bites the Dust

I dunno – you tell ME why I’m such a little shit.

Oh man…this might be my favorite elimination night yet on The X Factor. I could spend literally my entire recap talking about the final ten minutes of the show, but in the interest of all that is fair and good I’ll go ahead and give the rest of the episode (and contestants) some attention as well.

The ‘rock week’ elimination episode started running straight out tha gate with the Final Ten’s group performance of ‘We Will Rock You.’ Ho hum – could a more obvious choice be had?? But you’ve got to give the producers this – they’re making the contestants actually sing the song tonight!!! On second thought, don’t give them TOO much credit, as ‘We Will Rock You’ is one of the easiest songs to sort of half-ass sing-talk your way through.

We know for sure that the performance is being sung live when our Alzheimer’s-riddled contestant Leroy has such a great time watching everybody else sing that he totally blanks on his own lyrics.  Oops, Part Two (he forgot to lip-sync his words during the group performance two weeks before). Oh, Leroy. Please stop trying to convince us that 60 may indeed be a little too old for this sort of thing.

Both Astro and Chris Rene get to rap their portion of the song, and I wonder how L.A. Reid convinced the other judges to let him have not one but TWO contestants who may never sing a single note for the rest of the competition. I can’t understand a single word that comes out of Chris’ mouth, but Astro raps something about ‘Paula and the groups fighting to stay in it,’ which has gotta sting a bit. Poor Paula. Maybe she and Leroy should just retire, buy an RV, and head off on a Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives tour of the good ol’ U.S. of A.

Most of the contestants sound pretty good, which leads one to wonder exactly why none of them managed to pull off a decent rock song the night before during performance night.

Once the group number is finished, Steve Jones takes the stage with the brilliant commentary ‘Yes, yes, yes, yes YES!’ Uh, could we please write this man some words to say? When we leave him to his own devices he comes up with things like ‘bravo, bravo!’ and ‘really, really great stuff.’  I’m fairly certain my four-year-old niece could provide more intelligent discourse.

Also she’s WAY cuter.

Steve takes a moment to remind us that next week is the Pepsi Choice Performance, which I guess is something you can vote for online…the voting public gets to choose things like what the contestants will wear and what kind of dance moves they’ll do – I sure hope that ‘step-touch’ wins that fight, ‘cuz I’m not sure there’s much more these peeps can pull off. Stereo Hogzz could’ve conquered some serious choreography, but Melanie Amaro and Josh Krajcik, not so much.

Of course, now it’s time for our requisite walk down memory lane as we look back over the previous night’s performance clips. Which, as the highly astute Steve Jones reminds us, ‘ROCKED.’ Wah-wah. Hey wait, I think I get it – Steve Jones is a HUGE DORK, right? That’s what I couldn’t put my finger on…he’s just a giant doofus that happened to luck out in the looks department so that he ended up hosting television shows rather than breathlessly churning out excited drivel about the ’2 for $20′ deal as the head waiter at the London branch of Applebee’s.

Thanks, Steve, but I’d rather get hit by a bus.

The fake grill marks are my favorite part. They use those so you don’t notice just how strangely grey that meat is.

Okay, okay, so the performance recaps…Leroy Bell sang ‘We’ve Got Tonight’ by Bob Seger and Simon told him there’s no way he’s winning the competition, which I happen to agree with. Seger was a good choice for Leroy, but come on – it was ROCK night. Couldn’t he have sung, I don’t know, ‘Old Time Rock and Roll?’ Or even ‘Turn the Page’ – SOMETHING with a little more oomph to it that would’ve stretched old Leroy’s vocal cords.

But ‘Snooze Fest’ was the unofficial name of the game that night, as pretty much every other performance proves. Even Rachel Crow’s version of ‘Satisfaction’ was just sort of rock-lite and lame. I couldn’t stop thinking about how it’s legally impossible for her to be driving a car, or how disturbing it is that they skinned some poor, helpless Muppet to make that hideous jacket.

Is there some sort of PETA for puppets?

Chris Rene sang ‘No Woman No Cry,’ which caused a big judge fight over whether or not reggae qualifies as rock and roll. I don’t think it does, personally, but I also think that most music that we like to call ‘soft rock’ would be more appropriately referred to as ‘adult contemporary’ or maybe ‘schmaltzy crap’ or even ‘Ambien for your ear-holes.’

Next up was Stacy Francis, and oh-my-GAWD-you-guys!!!  I cannot believe she sang ‘It’s All Coming Back to Me Now’ – do you remember my recap two weeks ago when I did a thorough retelling of the story behind that song? (If you don’t, you can read it here!) Crazy!! I guess my only choice is to believe that the X Factor producers are keeping a VERY close eye on TVGasm, don’t you agree? Anyway, it cracks me up that they refer to it as a Meatloaf song, when most everybody on the planet knows it better as a Celine Dion song, but hey, Celine Dion is that adult contemporary crap, NOT rock and roll. Even though it’s the exact same song either way.

It was a terrible choice for Stacy and everybody thoroughly loathed the performance. IceQueen has a GREAT pic of Stacy’s angry clown face in her recap of the performance episode, so I’ll settle with scaring the bejesus out of you with a shot of Stacy’s weird hairline from last week.

Does this remind you of anything?

Ah yes. That’s it.

Apologies to Josh Krajcik, who I’ve called a yeti several times – it’s clear that Stacy Francis is the true Bigforeheadfoot on this show. I sure hope she finds her way home to John Lithgow and Melinda Dillon soon.

Melanie Amaro did ‘Everybody Hurts’ and it was just sort of ‘there.’ Kinda boring. Josh Krajcik performed the Foo Fighters’ ‘The Pretender,’ which I thought was pretty good but not nearly good enough to necessitate all of the ridiculous hair-swinging Nicole was doing. When I try to do that move, I get a severe headache from my brain being knocked around inside of my skull. Surprisingly, Nicole doesn’t seem to have that problem.

Astro’s song was ‘I’ll Be Missing You,’ and I’m starting to wonder how many rap artists he has left to cover. I’m telling you, ‘Parents Just Don’t Understand’ is right around the corner. He was great as usual and nobody had anything bad to say about the performance, least of all Astro. Could all of this attention possibly be warping his poor little kid brain? If you watched this episode, you most certainly know the answer to THAT question already. (No fair skipping ahead to the end, now…)

Completely useless Lakoda Rayne was up next, and every time I have to misspell those two G-D words a little piece of my soul dies. Now that 14-year-old demon spawn Emily is off the show (sorry, SORRY!!), Dani Knights of Lakoda Rayne has become my new arch-enemy. I’m pretty sure she thinks she’s the bee’s knees, but I despise her and her Barbie posse and the way they keep ignoring poor Juno.

The next step is to just photoshop her out completely.

They’re probably just jealous because the brunette clearly has the strongest voice out of any of them. And also the most natural beauty. And believable smile. Stop me any time.

Their mash-up of ‘Go Your Own Way’ and ‘Your Love’ was kinda fun, I’ll admit it, but definitely more pop than rock. And Paula comparing them to the Dixie Chicks was completely tasteless and utterly ridiculous – not only are their harmonies nowhere near the Chicks’ (and I’m not even a country fan), there’s also the fact that none of them play an instrument, either. Also, I’m pretty sure none of them were ‘country singers’ before the producers forced them into that box.

Drew sang ‘With or Without You,’ which prompted Nicole to call it ‘the slowest rock song I’ve ever heard.’ Really, Nicole? You sure you wanna go there? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure it wasn’t any slower than old fogie Leroy’s version of ‘We’ve Got Tonight.’ Yeah, that’s right. Game-set-MATCH, bitch.

I think it’s hilarious that everyone is complaining about Drew singing the same way week after week, when I think that EVERY contestant is guilty of that charge. Rachel Crow is pretty much the only contestant who has actually tread some varied waters, and that’s mainly only due to her performance of Beyonce’s ‘I’d Rather Go Blind’ last week. Other than that one week, she’s always been the bouncy moppet in the terrible jacket singing fun pop songs. (I’m only referring to the live shows, BTW.) Sure, I’d like to see Drew stretch a little bit and do some uptempo stuff myself, but to call ONLY her out for being repetitive is slightly unfair.

Marcus Canty sang ‘Piece of My Heart’ with a bunch of succubi writhing around him, and I’m reminded instantly of how much I disliked his performance. Marcus is simply incapable of being sexy, and so this number came off like an uncomfortable cabaret show on a cruise ship infested with a horrific gastrointestinal disease.

OK, enough with the performance night re-haul…Steve starts picking on Paula for only having one act left in the competition, but she fights back like a tough little rat terrier and says Lakoda Rayne is here to stay. God help us all. What happens if a judge has all of their acts sent home? Do they also leave the show? Are they publicly flogged for our viewing pleasure? Will they be forced to watch that Pepsi history commercial on a constant loop until their eyeballs burst?

Steve tells the judges that they should all be nervous, because he’s starting the results…RIGHT NOW! Wow! You mean we’re going to find out which contestant is getting sent home…on ELIMINATION NIGHT?!? This show sure does know how to rock the boat, folks!

Of course, this DOES manage to confuse Nicole.

Like a pussycat in the headlights.

The first act to be sent through to next week is…shocker!!  Leroy Bell!

Ahahahahahahaha! Even HE can’t believe it!!

I love when you get a pure, honest reaction from someone on a reality show. It’s priceless. Because so much of the rest is just made-up bullshit. Speaking of bullshit…the second act that’s safe is…Lakoda Rayne!

Paula rushes the stage to embrace her sole remaining reason for staying relevant in the entertainment industry. We get some shots of other contestants starting to look worried…after all, two of the weakest acts just got sent through to safety, which doesn’t bode well for the better acts.

Wait – did I say ‘better?’

I was referring less to resident ass clown Chris Rene and more to these ladies:

Mel needs to stop hogging all of the VO5.

A bunch of commercials later, and we’re ready to watch the contestants head to an ultra-glamorous photo shoot, which turns into a fucking commercial for Sony digital cameras. Product placement is UBER annoying, no? Drew goes on and on about how she’s never had professional pictures like this before…right, except for all those paparazzi shots at the Jack and Jill premiere, right? Oh, and what about those sexy black and white glamour shots they use during your introduction every night? I’m sure those were just taken with a standard Nikon point-and-shoot by your mom, right? Ugh.

Marcus somehow ends up doing sexy poses in every girl’s pictures, which is a little disturbing considering how hard he pushes his whole virginal church boy schtick. I guess that number from last night with all those dancing whores really broke down some walls for innocent little Marcus!

Now it’s time for Rihanna’s performance of ‘We Found Love,’ which appears to be a horrific updated version of West Side Story.

Or a retro hipster dance club from hell. One of the two.

After a quick (NOT) commercial break, we’re back for more results. Following Leroy and Lakoda through to safety is…Chris Rene! Simon starts to look a little worried-slash-pissed off, probably because three totally weak contestants have made it through before any of his ladies.

This is Simon’s worried face. It is hilarious.

Simon doesn’t have long to worry, however, as Melanie Amaro gets sent through next, making an unfortunate grab for Simon’s crotch along the way.

If you’re looking for something to steady yourself with, I wouldn’t reach for THAT.

Simon and Drew both tell Melanie, ‘I told you so,’ which has got to be the most annoying phrase in the English language, aside from ‘coming up…AFTER THE BREAK.’

Josh Krajcik is safe, and he can be overheard telling Stacy Francis to stay positive as he leaves the stage.

What makes you think I’m not positive?

Marcus Canty also makes it through, and he makes sure to point up to heaven at God, because obviously God likes Marcus more than the other contestants. This is what I think every time an athlete or singer or actor or anyone who wins something thanks God…so this means God likes you better? How very humble of you. But maybe I should cut Marcus a break – perhaps he was pointing up at the lighting technicians who always do such a fabulous job of focusing those Fresnels.

Astro is starting to get nervous.

At least, I think that’s what’s happening here.

As well he should, since the next act sent to safety is Drew, leaving Astro on the stage with just two other contestants, Stacy Francis and Rachel Crow, who starts weeping uncontrollably.

Please make it STOP!!

Poor kid. Just another reason why maybe the producers should re-think their age restrictions on this show – a kid this young just isn’t ready for this level of stress and rejection. Those Intensity kids are already serving five-to-ten in juvie, you know.

But little Rachel makes it through, and I’m pretty sure the producers will never, ever make her wait so long for her ticket to safety again unless she’s actually in the bottom two.

We can’t stand to see Care Bears cry. (Thanks, poster Itchy!)

So we’re down to Astro and Stacy Francis. Um, this is a given, right? I mean, as much as I don’t care for Stacy and her ‘Franatics,’ I feel kinda bad for her in this situation – she’s gotta know that her bags are already waiting in the hotel lobby.

Steve asks Stacy how she’s feeling, and she’s so overcome by emotion that she can’t even bring herself to answer. But I’m pretty sure that answer would’ve been, ‘fucking terrible, but thanks for asking, asshole.’ Astro tells the audience not to be sad, because hip hop made it this far on this show. So now he’s the figurehead for all of hip hop. That’s just great, and we shouldn’t worry about his ego at ALL.

Steve says the competition has never been bigger, which I find to be a slight overstatement. Stacy’s up to sing for survival first, and she chose…oh brother…’Amazing Grace.’ Could she be more predictable? Vomit.

Takin’ it to fake church.

Stacy sounds really, really awful, but I put it down to the raw emotion that’s probably overwhelming her at the moment. Her pitch is all over the place, but the look on her face says that she knows full well this is her last time on this stage, so she’s living it up.

Once she finishes (and the back half is much better than the first chunk, by the way), Steve Jones comes out and says ‘well done,’ right before shooing her backstage with a hurried ‘off you go.’ She must feel super respected right about now.

Okay guys, this is where the show takes a wild, careening turn around a corner and plummets down a steep slope into a slack-jawed realm of insanity and disbelief – are you ready??

(It’s probably not all THAT dramatic, by the way, but I found myself rewinding the next five minutes several times to make sure I was hearing everything right. In my world, this was AMAZING.)

Astro comes out on stage and says, ‘yo, yo, hold up. I don’t want to perform, I don’t think it’s even necessary.’ Um…WHAT?! Wait…is he saying that he doesn’t want to perform because he thinks he’s too good for this bottom two crap, or is he saying that he doesn’t want to perform because everyone already knows what he can do so it’s pointless? Either way I am stunned by his audacity. If Rachel’s breakdown was evidence that the producers shouldn’t allow 12 and 13-year-olds into this competition, Astro’s temper tantrum should most definitely seal the deal.

‘See, I shouldn’t have to perform cuz I’m like super dope and shit. Also, I already have five recording contract offers.’

He asks the audience if he should sing, and they all cheer, assumably because they like him and want to hear him perform. He starts in on a half-hearted rap version of ‘Never Can Say Goodbye,’ complete with lyrics about being famous and getting girls and being cool, all of which do nothing to tamp down his massive ego. He gives a shout out to each judge in turn, telling us that we may think Paula’s crazy but all he sees is a lady (ha!) and scoring bonus points by saying L.A. Reid is like his ‘oldest brother’ rather than a father figure.

It’s time for judgement.

I can’t decide who has the more effective pout.

Both contestants are giving the judges all kinds of bitch face. L.A. tells them both to stop copping so much attitude, then says he’s gotta stick with his guy, sending Francis – I’m sorry, STACY Francis – home. I love that he just referred to her by her last name like it was her (really unfortunate) first name. I can’t hear the first name Francis without envisioning this:

Everything’s negotiable, Pee Wee.

Nicole is up, and after much hemming and hawing she picks Astro to go home. Which leaves Stacy in grateful tears and Astro pitching a fit.

I don’t believe in corporal punishment, so someone needs to take away that kid’s microphones for roughly the next five to six years.

Paula says both contestants need to walk with gratitude, so I guess they must have been having some problems with Stacy bitching and moping around after her gaudy, terrible performance the night before. Paula chooses to send home Angry Clown Francis.

Now it’s down to Simon’s deciding vote…the audience starts to boo, and while I can’t absolutely guarantee that I’m correct, I’m fairly certain they’re actually booing at Astro and his ‘tude. For all of this kid’s talent, he has actually succeeded in turning the audience against him, which virtually guarantees he’ll have a career after this. Aren’t all rappers supposed to blatantly flout authority and have egos the size of the asteroid from Deep Impact? (or in Kanye West’s case, the asteroid from Armageddon.)

Simon tells Astro that he doesn’t like his attitude, and the audience cheers. He also tells him that by throwing this tantrum, he’s disrespecting his mom and the audience, to which Astro replies, ‘no, not really.’ So now he’s disrespecting Simon by not listening to his criticism. Fantastic.

Astro says that ‘if you’re gonna put me in the bottom two, I don’t wanna perform for people that don’t want me here.’ The audience REALLY hates THAT, so they start booing like crazy. It’s probably a good thing there isn’t any food being sold in this auditorium, as I’m pretty sure it would all start landing on the stage and Astro’s head right about now.

He’s reached Phase Three of his tantrum – crying.

I’m starting to feel a little (itty bitty teeny tiny) bit bad for Astro, because even though he’s throwing what amounts to the worst temper tantrum this side of the Real Housewives shows, he is, after all, just a kid. Haven’t we all seen what happens to children when we force them into an early life of stardom and adoring fans and people giving them anything they want?

Yep.

The crowd actually starts chanting ‘Stacy, Stacy, Stacy,’ and it’s enough to give Simon pause. He says he’s really tempted to keep Stacy and send Astro home.

No one’s allowed to have more ‘tude than me, you know.

Simon sends Stacy home, of course…in the long run, Astro may be an ass-tro-hole, but he’s gonna put more money in their pockets than Stacy could ever dream of doing. Steve Jones once again asks poor Stacy how she’s feeling, and she mumbles something incoherent.

Real dick move, Jones.

He tells her he’s amazed to see her here, and that she’s heartbroken (thanks for answering your own question, Steve). Stacy hushes the audience so that she can take a ‘serious moment’ to thank the judges and tell us how amazing her journey has been. She also says that she needs to learn to suck up her pride and admit that her bad performances were her fault…even though she hated many of her song choices. Wait, wasn’t that sentence in contradiction of itself?? Well, whoever Stacy is blaming, she’s going home. She says ‘I can’t believe I’m leaving,’ to which most of America replies, ‘really? WE can’t believe you didn’t leave four weeks ago.’ Ka-POW.

Well, that’s that, Gasmii – how did you feel about Stacy Francis being sent home? And more importantly, were you as floored by Astro’s shenanigans as I was?

To read IceQueen’s recap of Wednesday’s performance episode, click here!

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