X Factor Recap: Dance Songs? REALLY??

For a man who ‘doesn’t’ wear lipstick, those sure are some shimmery smackers.

Howdy Gasmii!  IceQueen’s got the week off, so y’all get a double dose of the Snarks for your X Factor coverage this week…hey-yoooooooooo!

Last night’s performance episode featured our final five contestants – Melanie Amaro, Josh Krajcik, Rachel Crow, Chris Rene, and Marcus Canty – performing two songs each. The first song, sadly, fell into this week’s theme – ELECTRONICA. Yes, you heard me correctly. ELECTRONICA.

[crickets]

At least it’s not country-western week, am I right? With so many R&B-centric performers left on the show, a country night might just make someone’s head explode. Namely mine.

Anywho! The contestants’ second song was SUPPOSED to be viewer’s choice, but apparently they experienced some sort of internet voting snafu (hanging chads?) and had to come up with a plan B, which was to have the contestants sing the song they picked weeks ago as their survival song – but more on that later.

We began last night’s rumpus with a rundown of the drama that resulted from last week’s elimination of Drew.

Heh heh…double exposure time!

Those ghostly double-images are like what the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo posters would be if that movie looked way cheesier and was about a gangly Englishman on a quest to be the worst television host in history.

Apparently Nicole and Paula have been getting death threats for their decision to send Drew packing last week.  Really, people? DEATH THREATS?!? I didn’t want Drew to go home, either, but I think you might be taking this competition just a wee bit too seriously. Couldn’t we just threaten to fart on them or something?

We get a not-so-friendly reminder of what Plastic Surgery Ken Simon looks like when he’s angry. You don’t want to see him when he’s angry.

BRRRRRRR!

But it doesn’t stop there…we pull in closer and closer into Simon’s eyeball, until I’m pretty sure I can see my own image in his retinas.

Sooooo…tonight’s episode takes place entirely inside of Simon’s brain?

After we finish our journey into Simon’s head, we get some clips of the remaining contestants telling us how badly they want to win this thing, complete with extreme close-ups so we can tell they’re telling the truth.

Truth: I have yet to get a dental make-over.

If you look closely, you can see tiny burritos popping out of Josh’s pores.

Extreme close-up isn’t a good angle for anybody, so let’s move on, shall we?

Steve intros the show and tells us that the contestants will be singing two songs tonight and that their first songs will be versions of dance music hits. Yes. The X Factor has officially become desperate enough to throw a rave in the hopes of attracting the attention of young people everywhere who have absolutely zero interest in seeing anyone actually try to SING a ‘dance hit.’

I’m not a religious person, but I start praying to anyone and/or anything who might be hanging around my house listening (God? Santa Claus? A family of feral cats hiding in the crawlspace?) that I am not about to hear five different versions of ‘Boom Boom Pow.’ There are DJ’s onstage to back up our singers – I think Steve said their collective name is ‘Nerdo.’

I also think Nerdo stole the set from Hollywood Squares.

The judges are introduced to the tune of ‘Sexy and I Know It’ by LMFAOBYOBLOLcats. L.A. makes the unfortunate decision to respond to the audience applause by doing this:

No. Stop it.

On every performance episode, there’s a special Twitter hash tag that you can use to try to get your totally ridiculous comments onto the show – tonight’s is #glovesareoff. Steve challenges us to tweet our worst and tells us that he ADORES getting trashed by 12-year-old girls on social networking sites.

Though his face says it’s more of a ‘love/hate’ relationship.

Time for our dance songs, which Paula says constitute a challenge to ‘get everyone off their feet.’ That sounds more like a roller derby to me, but I guess since Paula once danced with a cartoon cat she’s the expert here.

Melanie Amaro is up first, and her dance song is…ADELE?!? Ugh. This is one of my biggest pet peeves, when someone takes a beautiful ballad and twists it into an electronica-backed Crap Pretzel. When I hear ‘My Heart Will Go On,’ I don’t want my first thought to be “now where did I put my glow sticks?”

Melanie is surrounded by what I can only describe as a bunch of dance ninjas doing trust falls.

Melanie sounds technically great as usual, but there’s not a lot of passion in her performance. When she finishes, she gets the longest applause break in the history of television, but I think it’s more for the fact that she sang the MOST POPULAR FREAKING song in America right now than it was for the way she sang it. I preferred this version from SNL a few weeks ago:

Now THAT’S passion.

The judges all lurved Mel’s performance, but nobody more than Simon, who told her that she made the song really different. Yeah, by taking out all of the interesting stuff and turning it into a poop sandwich.

Marcus Canty is up next. Has there ever been a singer more sexually repressed than dear Marcus? I’m not necessarily saying he’s gay, just heavily repressed – though he does seem to have quite the predilection for sequins and vests.

Don’t worry folks, that’s just his microphone.

L.A. Reid introduces Marcus as a ‘two-time champion,’ but he neglects to mention that the only thing Marcus won was a ticket out of the bottom-of-the-barrel Loserville that America sent him to for two weeks straight. Marcus is singing Chaka Khan’s ‘Ain’t Nobody.’ It’s okay. Just okay. Am I the only person in America who isn’t head over heels in love with Marcus Canty?? He just seems so typical to me.

Nicole starts off the judging by raising her hand and eyes to heaven and praising Chaka Khan, who is absolutely, 100% not dead. I checked.

Way to go, dimbo.

All of the judges are unanimous in their adoration of Marcus, and I’m starting to get the sneaking suspicion that they’re doing everything they can to appease the angry mobs from last week by pelting all of the contestants with unwarranted praise and fawning. Marcus’ voting extension is 02 this week, so like any good contestant, he holds up his number sign for everyone to see.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Marcus: “What, you guys count the pinky?!? I thought we all had, like, three fingers, a pinky, and a thumb.” Everybody else on the planet: “Moron.”

Simon introduces the next contestant by saying she’s singing a song that’s her OWN choice and also NOT sitting in a chair, and for a split second I think he’s magically brought Drew back into the competition. But no, he’s talking about Rachel, who has never gone anywhere NEAR a chair during any of her performances, so the cross-reference doesn’t really work for me.

Rachel is singing ‘Nothin’ On You’ by B.o.B. and wearing pants that are so snug, I am sort of horrified to think she may have forgotten her skirt backstage and is just wearing tights.

Taking a page from the Stacy Francis Handbook.

I spend the rest of her performance trying to avoid looking at her or thinking about how uncomfortable I am.

L.A. thinks that Rachel is a star but wants to know who the ‘beautiful girls’ were she was singing to. Rachel, ever on the ball, says that it was Paula and Nicole. Was L.A. attempting to make some sort of guarded lesbian reference? EW. She’s like, a fetus. She’s not allowed to have a sexuality yet. Gross.

Everyone loves the little snuggle-bug – Nicole even wants a Rachel Crow doll that comes complete with her own bathroom. I know it’s a call-back to something Rachel said ages ago, but it comes out sounding kind of crass and like a horrible slam on Rachel’s family. Simon says that he’s heard that Rachel used to do stand-up comedy ‘years ago,’ and I suddenly realize that maybe the reason why Rachel looks so much like a shrunken-down 42-year-old woman is because she secretly IS a shrunken-down 42-year-old woman.

Actually born circa 1968.

Time for an actual adult to sing – Josh Krajcik is up. His choice is Rihanna’s ‘We Found Love,’ and though I had been really, really worried for Josh, I actually dig this. I mean, his voice is obviously far better suited to soul and rock, but I think he’s doing a good job of meshing with the dance beats, although I can’t believe they’re having him sing this song when Rihanna herself was on the show like five days ago performing it her own self.

But her weave was nowhere NEAR as good.

L.A. didn’t buy Josh singing the song, but Paula totally disagrees. I know I’m having a rough week when I find myself agreeing with Skat Kat. Simon, unfortunately, takes L.A.’s side, and the audience boos louder and longer than I’ve ever heard them do on this show before. Wow, I guess people actually care about this P.O.S.!

Josh says he loves the song and is happy with what he did with it. Good for him. I liked it too, Joshie.

Chris Rene is up next, and I prepare myself for another round of holding my fingers in my ears to avoid hearing him do an off-key rendition of some vaguely reggae-ish song.

As the opening strains of T.I.’s ‘Live Your Life’ venture from Chris’ mouth, I find myself slipping into a state of disbelief – am I actually enjoying this?!? Could it be – gasp – that Chris actually sounds…GOOD?!?

This is totally what I look like, by the way.

It’s true. He sounds good. And what’s more, they let him write some of his own lyrics to rap/sing, and they were actually really great. He also stands on a moving walkway for part of the performance, which is kind of a nice, exciting touch, though I correctly predict that Simon hated it. But he loved the rest of the performance and said Chris was brilliant.

All of the judges were into it. But were they also into the XXL baseball cap the wardrobe people had to find to hide Chris’ abnormally large ears under?

Mickey ain’t got nuthin’ on THOSE ears.

Halfway through the show, folks! Everyone take a moment to breathe, do some yoga stretches, and look up those leaked pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy cover. Then think about this:

You sicko.

I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Back from the break, and it’s time for Steve to tell us what the hell happened with the Pepsi Challenge. Apparently there was a communication breakdown somewhere along the line, and though we’re never really told what that means, I’m guessing the contestants were practicing the wrong songs. Steve says that because of this, the Pepsi Challenge songs are being moved to next week, and the audience has a meltdown.

Seriously?! You guys actually give a shit about this thing?

So instead of the Pepsi songs, the contestants will be singing their ‘survival songs’ – the songs they chose several weeks ago in case they landed in the bottom two. The producers keep trying to drum up a huge amount of drama surrounding this change – they only found out about it 24 hours ago!!! – but they’re not fooling us – we know they’ve had these songs in their back pocket for MONTHS now, it’s not like they’ve never heard the damn thing before. Ugh.

The only thing that could be considered remotely dramatic about this switch-up is that the contestants (presumably) chose ‘save me’ songs that showcase their voices and don’t need a lot of extra trappings in the background, and now those songs have to be up-styled and turned into full-on production numbers. But if this qualifies as high drama in your life, then you should really try to expand your horizons and rent The Joy Luck Club, or Schindler’s List, or Glitter.

Can anyone say ‘Oscar bait?’

Melanie is up first, and I find myself hoping against hope that she chooses something other than a Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston song.  And she doesn’t!! Nope. She sings a song that was sung by BOTH.

Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Batshit-Crazy.

If you haven’t already figured it out, Melanie is singing ‘When You Believe’ from that ridiculous cartoon Moses movie The Prince of Egypt. This show is starting to feel like church, much like everything else in this country.

Before anyone can critique Mel’s obviously competent rendition, she says that she wants to say something. I don’t believe for a hot minute that this wasn’t planned, since Steve Jones is nowhere to be seen, and this would typically be the moment he starts flapping his big mouth around.

Melanie wants to tell us all that she had to believe in herself, and that when she did, look who came walking through her door (Simon). I would take this as a moving sentiment if she maybe made it about YOU believing in yourself, telling the audience to believe in themselves, but oh no, it’s aaaaaaaaaaaaall about Melanie and how amazing she thinks she is. Every week that passes, I grow more and more repelled by her attitude.

Mah ego is DIS BEEG, mon!

The judges all fawn over Melanie and I fall asleep for a couple of minutes.

Ok, now it’s time for Marcus’ second song, which is ‘A Song for You’ by Ray Charles. Marcus starts off pitch-y but does a decent job. I find him boring – again – so I find myself hoping that he’ll be the one sent home the next night.

But God probably noticed his giant bedazzled crucifix and decided to put him through.

Nicole says that Marcus is like a young Al Green, and therefore timeless. Paula says that he’s a storyteller and that goes beyond any superior voice, thereby admitting that Marcus doesn’t have a super strong voice. Simon wasn’t crazy about it and thought it was boring – thank the LORD!!!!! L.A., of course, still thinks Marcus is a star and a champion, because L.A. wants to win the competition.

Rachel Crow is up next, and boy is this one a snooze-fest. Man…I like Rachel, but this is straight-up Dullsville. I don’t think I’ve ever heard this song before, so I have to look it up – oh shit, it’s a Michael Jackson song, guys! Who knew? And why didn’t she do this last week for MJ week?

Maybe it’s just getting late, cuz I can barely keep my eyeballz open. The panel are all in agreement that Rachel is a star…even their comments are getting stagnant, don’t you agree? Nicole says that Rachel is an old soul, and Rachel says that she’s all about inspiring ‘the kids,’ and I chalk up one more bit of proof in the ‘Rachel is secretly middle-aged’ theory.

Time for my favorite remaining contestant, Josh Krajcik! During his rehearsals, we see that the producers haven’t managed to convince him to throw out that ratty old grease-filled jacket that he wore to his first audition.

There’s probably some Chipotle still hiding in there.

Josh is singing the Beatles’ ‘Something (In the Way She Moves),’ and we immediately know that Josh should absolutely be safe this week. He does an amazing job, barring some unfortunate facial gestures.

I think he just threw out his back.

It’s really unfortunate for Josh that this isn’t a radio competition.

L.A. thought the performance was slightly karaoke but really, really good. Paula says that adjectives can’t describe his brilliance anymore, even though ‘brilliant’ is an adjective. Simon mentions that Josh looked insane partway through (see above) but sounded great. He suggests that Josh keep doing simple songs without a lot of trappings – he says Adele doesn’t need props and neither do you. This thrills Nicole, who says she considers Josh to be the “Mel Adele.” I can’t decide if she was mispronouncing ‘male’ or if she has oh-so-cleverly decided that the male Adele would of course be named ‘Mel.’

He’s got a voice like an ANGEL.

The last performance of the night is from Chris Rene, who got a moving call this week from none other than Stevie Wonder, who tells Chris that he’s inspired HIM. Pretty impressive. As a writer, I can only imagine it’d be equivalent to Stephen King showing up at my door and telling me that he’s been reading my novels and thinks they’re super groovytown amazing. What, you thought I only aspire to write RECAPS my entire life?!?

Chris is singing – holy crap – an original song!!!  I love that!! I really hope it’s good, but even if it’s not, I give him mad props for going out on a limb like that – such an unusual move on a cookie cutter show like The X Factor. As long as it’s not called ‘Slightly Older Homie,’ that is.

The song is amazing. It’s called ‘Where Do We Go From Here,’ and it’s beautiful, has a catchy hook, and he’s even playing the mother-f-ing guitar for it!!!

Who IS this guy?!?

This version of Chris is so completely different from the one we’ve had to put up with for the past two months that I’m sort of in shock – it’s like aliens swooped down and grabbed the ass clown out-of-tune Chris and replaced him with this incredible musician – thank GOD they let him do his own stuff!!

Every one of the judges loved him, even Simon, who said it was either stupidity or a stroke of genius – but of course thought it was the genius bit. I am in awe…Chris has officially won me over. I only hope he’s able to keep this momentum going.

Well, that was the performance night – any thoughts on who might be going home? What was your favorite performance? Were you as impressed with Chris as I was?

See you guys in the elimination recap!  Until then, contemplate whether or not you think Marcus resembles Kenny from the Cosby Show.

Buuuuuuuuuuuud.

 

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