Well kids, this is the time of these series that I hate. We are STILL at auditions. The auditions are a rotten, dragged out process that only makes me angry at contestants as opposed to endear them to me. Seriously though, if anyone in the industry is listening…STOP with the endless auditions. Just do two nights, two hours each, give us some highlights, some horror shows and then get on with it. It is this dragged out crap that makes people lose interest and turn the channel. This is an ADD world and you better keep up.
Tonight, as it turns out, is perfect fuel for me as it is filled with bravado, delusion, and a little psychopathy. Fun for all.
Britney’s manager is as bored as I, and so he decides it would be fun to mess with the staff. Nice guy. Britney feign’d a half hearted nooooo but then joins right in. Their big prank? Make the kid get Britney a straw hat. WTF? Listen, I don’t condone fucking with the help but if you’re gonna do it GO BIG. Make the kid get you a pumpkin flavoured slurpee or something equally ridiculous. Step it up douche.
Then to show us all how it’s done. My boyfriend in my head, Simon Cowell, arrives at the auditions. Not in your average black car with driver. Oh no. Instead Simon has four motorcycle cops surround him as he drives himself to the auditions on a little moped/scooter. He makes me love him more every day.
The first audition of the night are Adonis and John. These two are hilarious in an, “I’m laughing at you not with you.” kind of way. They argue like two old ladies and act more gangster than any of the gangsters that they have seen in movies. It’s an unsettling combo. Adonis feels that they are as good as Michelangelo if he kept his works hidden in his basement. Or something like that. On stage we find out that they are boss/employee. Eek. If this goes bad, I have a feeling it will end up being boss/dude on the unemployment line. Well here goes nothing;
Adonis/John – Hello by Lionel Ritchie
There are few things I enjoy more in life than making fun of people. AND JACKPOT! It’s like if Scarface and 50 Cent sang a song together. With a porn thrown in for background noise. Uh. Yeah. Uh. I will be putting this on repeat for some time to come.
The judges think they are as hilarious as I do and after they finish laughing they give them four NO!’s.
Cut to LA saying,”Can it get any worse?” Why yes…yes it can. And off to our first montage of suck.
Once the suck abates a bit we get to meet 45 year old Dinah Jane Hansen. Who claims to be 15. I call bullshit. If she is 15 I am 28. And I am 29 so we KNOW she aint’ telling the truth. So anywho, Dinah claims to live in a house with 20 people. I would play suicide. There is no way this side of anything that would make me live in a house with that many people. If it was my only option I am sure that I would be happy in my box. I would decorate it and shit. Sorry I got off track by her horrifying story. Let’s listen in shall we;