X Factor Recap: Showcase Showdown!!

Which one was it???

C’mon…you didn’t really think Chris Rene had a snowball’s chance, did you?

This is it, Gasmii – the big X Factor showdown! The second night of a finale so big, we had to have…well, two nights. Our final three – Chris Rene, Melanie Amaro, and Josh Krajcik – have traveled a long, tearful road wrought with terrible song choices and maudlin performances to reach their destiny – vying for a cheesy-ass Pepsi commercial and a recording contract that they hope will prove more successful than most of the ones given to American Idol winners (see: Hicks, Taylor and DeWyze, Lee).

The first night of the finale had duets featuring some of the hottest acts from ten years ago, so we can only hope that night two reaches for even greater heights. And sure enough, right from the start Steve Jones promises us a glimpse of Justin Bieber, ensuring that for the first time ever, 14-year-old girls will actually tune in to this show.

The episode begins with a brief walk down memory lane, showing us some of the brightest half-second clips of Mel, Josh, and Chris from earlier in the season, including quick glances of their final performances from the night before. Josh performed ‘Uninvited’ with Alanis Morissette, Chris stumbled along with Avril Lavigne on ‘Complicated,’ and Melanie soared on ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ with that guy who pees on kids.

The final three! Josh, Chris, and Melanie’s boobs!

We get some sound bites of the judges all saying that it’s anyone’s game, even though we’re all pretty sure that Melanie’s the one who will be walking away with the grand prize. The producers have set her up as the ringer all season long, from her false elimination after the judges’ homes to her pimp spot on last night’s final performance episode.

Steve Jones comes out on stage to intro the show, and he certainly looks dapper in his rented tuxedo.

He doesn’t even care about those rumors that he’s fired!

For the last time (this season), the four judges/mentors enter the stage in grand fashion, to the electrifying notes of ‘The Final Countdown,’ a song that kids these days only know from sporting events.

Paula and the Technicolor Kimono.

Steve makes the announcement that I’ve been waiting for all week – it’s time for a performance from our top twelve acts! Get ready, folks, because this is probably the very last time you’ll see most of these faces.

It’s InTENsity! And they’re not emotionally scarred!

Hearing that boy in the front row warble off-key reminds me that InTENsity probably would’ve been better off as InTHREEcity (even though that doesn’t make a lick of sense) because Ellona, Ma’at, and that blonde girl who looks like a mini Christina Aguilera were really the only thing they had going for them. Every other member of the group was stage dressing, unfortunately.

InTENsity is singing the first verse of Lady Gaga’s ‘Edge of Glory,’ with the Stereo Hogzz taking the second verse.

YES!! Polishing the knobs!! Classic Stereo Hogzz!

It’s good to know your strengths, people.

We get bits from a bunch of performers we miss, like Leroy Bell -

Still aging backwards.

And a bunch that we never ever wanted to see again.

And likely never will.

There’s also a sexy young brunette who it takes me a minute to realize is actually Drew.

Eat your heart out, Biebs.

The audience gives the top twelve a rousing round of applause, and the judges all take turns telling them how great they are, especially the talented ones.  L.A. says that they’re all winners, even the losers. Paula says that ‘this stage is our gift to you, what you do with it is your gift to us,’ which is one of the most eloquent things she’s ever managed to utter, so I’m guessing it was pre-written. Simon says there’s more than one star on that stage, which makes him nervous, though he looks anything but.

For Paula and Nicole, it’s a night to show off how great their deodorant is.

There may not be a dry EYE in the house, but check out those pits! Spotless!

Finally, it’s time for all of this cheerful back patting to take a back seat…it’s our first performance of the evening! Tonight the top three will be singing holiday songs, because I guess it’s Christmas or Chanukah or something. I haven’t really noticed.

Oh for God’s sake.

Steve Jones asks Simon what he’s doing for Christmas, and Simon says he’s going to the North Pole to play with penguins, even though everybody knows penguins only live in the Southern hemisphere. So either Simon failed science or he doesn’t want Steve to know where he’s actually going. I’m betting it’s a bit of both.

Melanie Amaro is up first, and her mentor, Simon, is all too pleased to introduce her.

And to accept Satan as his lord and savior.

Melanie is singing…wait for it…drum roll please…a MARIAH CAREY SONG!!!! Thank goodness they finally let her do this, because I think we’ve all been waiting ALL SEASON for a freaking Mariah Carey song. Ugh. Of course, Mel does a great job with it, because as we all know perfectly well, the song (‘All I Want for Christmas is You’) is exactly in her wheelhouse.

It looks like Christmas threw up all over the stage.

Steve says it was ‘fabulous stuff,’ L.A. states that Mel’s voice is the best friend a song has ever met, Nicole says all she wants for Christmas is a Melanie Amaro album and that Mel is a ‘princess goddess warrior’ tonight, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.

This.

Paula tells Melanie that her hair pulled off of her face is beautiful and that she should celebrate because it’s her night, which sounds suspiciously like a slip-up hint of who is winning this competition. Simon says Mel has been a pleasure to work with, and he’s praying she makes it right to the end of this competition. Hey, remember how he ragged on Nicole and L.A. all season long about putting ‘distracting dancers’ on stage with their acts? Well, apparently he’s a staunch believer in that old adage, ‘do as I say, not as I do.’

Those turtlenecks are going to eat their heads.

Now it’s time for the folks at The X Factor to do a really mean thing to America – get that Kleenex ready, cuz it’s time for our first SUPPORTER VIDEO!

We continue to see Melanie in a screen-within-a-screen as footage of her many supporters and loved ones rolls across our televisions. She sniffs as her former teacher fondly remembers her in-class performances, starts tearing up when her old boss showers praise, and full-out bawls when her brothers tell her how proud of her they are.

That poor girl’s hair is gonna be SO messed up.

Melanie’s father says he hopes she can forgive him for not always being there for her, and we can see she’s got a whole future full of relatives looking for a handout. She really loses control of her tear ducts when her grandmother in the Virgin Islands appears on the screen.

Aw.

It’s almost enough to make me forget that time Mel said that every single person in her life has let her down except for God. Looks like they’re pretty supportive to me.

Chris Rene is up next, and his song choice is ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,’ which he actually croons out fairly well. Even though he starts it off with a sort of creepy, ‘This is from me to you. Listen.’ And let’s not forget that he has to put an ‘uh’ and a ‘yeah’ into every other stanza. But I still enjoyed it.

It’s not Christmas without Chris. It’s just ‘tmas.’

Nicole says that Chris is a star from the inside out and thanks him for being a part of this show. Paula says Chris is the most original, which makes him incredibly happy. Simon thinks the performance was very, very cool, and that Chris is truly an inspiration for all those people having hard times, how he’s picked his life up and succeeded, and we’ve officially gotten our community service message for the evening.

L.A. says that Chris’ experiences can truly change the world. I’m starting to feel like I’m watching a ‘Just Say No’ ad.

Time for Chris’ video montage, which features a message from his best friend back home.

Who must be a bad guy in a superhero movie.

Chris really starts to lose it when his baby momma appears, holding his son, who looks three years older than he had in previous videos.

Aw, Chris Rene version.

She tells Chris that he’s an amazing person and father, and his son gets in a little ‘I love you, daddy.’ Which sends every person watching straight into Bawls-ville. What a cutie.

Steve pimps the Justin Bieber performance once again, and then it’s time for Nicole to introduce Josh’s performance. But before we can get to that, Steve asks Nicole what she’s doing for Christmas, and when she says she’ll be spending it with her family, he bluntly asks if he can join her. It gets awkward.

May I join you? (because we’re secretly bonking)

Uhhhhh…yes. I mean no. This is weird. (because we’re secretly bonking)

Nicole manages to laugh her way out of this incredibly uncomfortable situation, and introduces Josh, who is singing ‘Please Come Home for Christmas.’

And this is all I can think about the entire time.

Just kidding. I mean, the song was in that movie and all, and it did make me think about it, but luckily Josh is so talented that my Macaulay Culkin reverie was short-lived.

Josh does a great job, and I know that you know that I loves me some Josh Krajcik, but I honestly thought it was a really spectacular version of the song. Unfortunately he’s stuck with this in the background:

I foresee in your future a pensive girl in a skimpy Santa costume.

L.A. says that Josh just made him realize that it’s Christmas, so clearly this is a man who hasn’t set foot in a mall for the past two months. Paula thinks that Josh affects all of our souls with his magical voice. Simon says that 30-year-old Josh proves that you can’t put an age cap on talent, and everyone over the age of 25 feels slightly insulted.

Simon also tells Josh that he’s going to sell a lot of records, to which Nicole replies, ‘from Simon’s lips to God’s ears.’ Hey, by the way, have you heard the other rumor, that Nicole is going to either be downgraded to hosting or just plain out next season? She’s been trotting around giving sound bites about ‘focusing on her album’ in the new year, which I believe is code for ‘I’ve been fired but want to look like it was my choice.’ It remains anyone’s guess whether or not she’ll be involved in whatever capacity. I’m sure she wouldn’t miss the death threats.

Nicole says that she appreciates Josh for the artist that he is, that he opens up his heart and soul like nobody else in this competition. He inspires her to be better, which shouldn’t be hard, considering the weak-ass song she performed last week.

Of course, now we’re ready for Josh’s supporter video. I’m fully expecting it to be as emotional as Melanie’s and Chris’, but it actually leaves me a little dry in the eyes. We start off by seeing kids at Josh’s old high school cheering for him, which doesn’t mean a lot since we all know Josh is old and therefore graduated like 45 years ago. Plus, I’m guessing from this photo that Josh didn’t really dig high school.

Get me the F out of here.

Then we see a couple of his former co-workers from Chipotle.

Who are clearly thrilled for him.

Then it’s my favorite part of the entire show…as the coworkers tell Josh that he was wasting his talent working at Chipotle, soft, sappy music plays and this shot fills the screen:

A tender burrito memory.

Seriously, producers? Is this a joke? Melanie and Chris get sobbing relatives, and Josh gets a burrito? At least it gives us all a good laugh. I’m sick of all this damn crying.

Josh’s girlfriend tells him she loves him, his dad tells him he’s got a special gift, and his crazy mom (remember her?) declares that she’s so proud she could just burst. She says that as a mom, having his dreams come true made her dreams come true.

I’m telling you, Josh’s dream was escaping high school.

Josh wonders what the liquid coming out of his eyes is (I’m guessing burrito juice), and tells the audience that he’s forever grateful, that his life is beginning to make sense. Aw, Krajcik-style.

Now it’s time for that oft-promised performance from none other than Justin Bieber, so girls, pay attention! Frankly I’m a little surprised they didn’t save this for later in the night, to keep those teenage eyes glued to a show they couldn’t care less about. Anyway.

I’m assuming from the start that Drew will finally get her chance to duet with her idol, but as the song drags on and she’s nowhere to be seen I start to wonder. Someone else does make an appearance, however.

Stevie Wonder!

And all of the 14-year-old girls watching give a collective, ‘Who?’ and the rest of us all die a little inside. Justin and Stevie finish up their duet, and just when I’m ready to say goodbye to the Biebs, he launches into a SECOND song. Sigh.

Just trying to show up on more Google searches, guys.

Bieber Bieber Bieber Bieber. There. Let’s see if that works.

Finally, toward the end of his rendition of ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town,’ he calls out Drew, who gets to sing a whopping SINGLE SENTENCE. By herself. So much for a duet. But Drew is thrilled, of course.

Or else her contact fell out.

I think the producers really missed the boat, not having Drew sing more with the Biebs – it would’ve shown little girls everywhere that by auditioning for this lame-ass show, they, too, could end up answering interview questions about what Justin Bieber smells like. (I seriously read an interview where the reporter asked her that. Disturbing.)

We’re halfway through the show, so it’s time to find out who our third place contestant is. I’d bet good money on Chris Rene, folks. Of course, I’ve already watched the show once, so it’s not really a fair bet.

The final three await their fate while standing on stage with their individual mentors. Simon either fell asleep standing up or he’s praying to whatever deity he believes in.

I think it’s sleep. I really do.

Before we can hear the results, all three contestants seem to have some sort of issue with their ear monitors.

‘whazzat?’

‘huh?’

‘So L.A., they’re saying something about ‘Chris’ and ‘third.’

Whatever strange static burst the contestants hear, it doesn’t stop Steve from proclaiming that our third place finisher is…Chris Rene. Nobody bothers to act surprised. But don’t worry about Chris, he’s feeling just fine.

He’s already recording all 67 versions of ‘Young Homie.’

After attempting in vain to organize the jumble of finalists and mentors on the stage, Steve abruptly cuts to commercial. Poor Steve. He must have gone to a cheap-o correspondent school to get his hosting degree.

Once we’re back from our commercial break, Steve intros an all-new segment – the top five MOST SHOCKING moments from season one! Thank you for reminding us that there’s a season two, jerk!

Number one is that I didn’t kill myself after watching every episode three times.

Our first moment, which is the number five most shocking, is Xander Alexander’s audition. Remember Xander? Who didn’t want people to call him Alexander, even though his real name was Alexander, and who tried to pick a fight with Simon? What a great idea. It’s like going for a job interview and dumping coffee on your prospective employer’s head.

Also, your outfit is dumb.

Number four is Astro’s appearance in the bottom two, although I’m fairly certain what was shocking about it wasn’t so much that he was there than his reaction to it – remember the temper tantrum from hell? He’s actually said since that when he talked about not wanting to sing for people who didn’t want him there, he wasn’t referring to the audience, but to some unnamed X Factor employees who were giving him attitude backstage. I actually kinda believe him.

Number three is Dylan Lawson, who – for those of us who don’t remember (which is hopefully everybody) – had a moving back story segment before coming on stage and exploding into something that sounded like a cross between demonic chanting and the kind of broken screams you can only hear in mall parking lots when someone TAKES YOUR GODDAMN SPOT.

Did we HAVE to give this guy five additional minutes of fame?

The number two moment actually makes me laugh out loud – I complete forgot that this guy existed, but man oh man, did I get a lot of gleeful joy out of watching him implode.

CHAD!!!

In case your memory is foggy, Chad was a random relative who accompanied a couple of gals to their audition – when they didn’t make the cut (which they were fine with, by the way), Chad had a major freak-out and went on a judge-ripping rampage. I hope he’s good and embarrassed at having this crap aired not once but TWICE.

Of course, our number one moment is Rachel Crow getting sent home two weeks ago, which I’ve become convinced was entirely planned by the producers, in an attempt to remove anyone who was possibly siphoning votes from Melanie’s pool. I think they knew full well that she ended up with the lowest number of America’s votes and therefore instructed Nicole to send the show into deadlock – what I don’t think they foresaw was Rachel’s subsequent meltdown. But however orchestrated (or not) the removal was, Rachel is doing just dandy. She even wants to host, so instead of giving her a duet with a music star, she gets to introduce an act. What a consolation prize.

Next step: giving away a new CAAAA-AAAAAARRRRR!

Rachel intros a performance from Leona Lewis, who is singing her cover of Snow Patrol’s ‘Run.’ I love this song, but I way prefer the original. For those of you who don’t know, Leona was the winner from the first season of the original, British X Factor. You’re welcome.

While Leona sings, pictures of our beloved contestants flash across the screens behind her.

Like Katie Holmes.

I see Dexter Haygood flash by a few times, and I remember that there was a rumor that he was going to show up on the finale, performing with the newly reformed Xavion. I’m sort of bummed it didn’t happen.

Excuse me, but I believe I was promised the Xavion.

The judges all get a moment to tell us what a great year they had, and everyone without a job in America throws their ramen noodle dinner at their television.

Steve has an exciting announcement for us – auditions for season two will be coming soon to a city near you!

Or a lighted dot near you.

You can also audition online, or by finding an X Factor recording booth in a random mall somewhere. I feel bad for the P.A.’s who are going to be assigned the massive chore of wading through the thousands of videos that are gonna come streaming in.

Even the finale needs filler, so we are forced to sit through a montage of Simon and L.A. insulting each other. At least it begins with Steve doing a ridiculous fighting stance.

Steve totally fights 1930′s style.

The L.A./Simon montage is totally dull, and I’m not going to bother to talk about it any further. As an introduction to the performance from 50 Cent, some L.A. Laker comes out to talk about their shared charity work (sorry, I wasn’t aware there’d be sports questions on this test). When the performance begins, a few more basketball guys show up on stage, looking highly uncomfortable.

Uh, I think we took a wrong turn somewhere.

50′s first song is called ‘Wait Until Tonight,’ and I have trouble paying much attention to it because entire segments of the song are getting bleeped – when I first heard the intermittent moments of silence I thought my TV was broken. Thankfully he soon switches to ‘In Da Club,’ and while it plays the aforementioned Lakers do some awkward dance moves before sitting on the stage set to get humped by the strippers dancers that are tramping it up all over the place.

I mean, is this really necessary??

Parents who let their children watch this program are rightfully horrified. And then who shows up on stage but little Astro, because who would you rather hear sing the lyrics ‘I ain’t into having sex, I’m into making love’ than a 15-year-old kid?

Ew.

But Astro seems thrilled to be there, evidenced by his ending the song with a ‘dope, dope.’ All right…we’ve got one more guest performance, and then it’ll FINALLY be time to find out who won this f-ing thing.

Ugh. Never mind…we’ve been fooled. More filler – this time it’s this:

Because boys fight and girls cry, duh.

This has to be one of the lamest segments I’ve ever seen. Nicole ‘wins,’ mostly due to her breakdown after she accidentally sent Rachel packing.

Oh boo-hoo, whatever.

Nobody cares, so we move on to our final performance from Pitbull featuring Ne-Yo. I guess I had no idea what Pitbull looked like before now.

An updated, hip version of Daddy Warbucks.

Toward the end of Ne-Yo’s song, Marcus Canty shows up to do a little singin’. And he looks right at home. Good for him.

Who wants to give me a recording contract? C’MON!

Steve tries to drum up some fake drama between Melanie and Josh’s families, who just look sort of befuddled by the whole thing and keep saying how proud they are of their respective competitors. Who, by the way, are about to sing a duet together. Which they must have rehearsed. Leading me to believe that everyone knew Chris would be going home earlier in the night. Seems kind of obvious, guys.

Mel and Josh sing ‘Heroes’ together, and it sounds alright, though their voices aren’t really compatible. At the end of the song, you can hear Josh tell Melanie ‘I love you’ and her tell him ‘I love you too.’ Aw! It’s nice to see that these people actually care about one another. Josh is always wandering around hugging people.

Okay guys…it’s time for the BIG MOMENT!!! I think. As long as they don’t surprise us with some unexpected montage of shots of Steve Jones getting his eyebrows waxed.

The final two – Melanie Amaro and Josh Krajcik – enter the stage to massive applause. Clearly both contestants are beloved, and hopefully both will walk away with a career. And now it’s time!!!!! Our winner is…..

MELANIE AMARO!!!

…who can’t seem to believe that she’s won. She has a moment with God before her family swarms the stage and swallow her up into their midst.

So God likes her best, I guess.

Once again, I think it’s a little silly when people go so over the top in thanking God for some award they just achieved or game they just won…did God really help you? Does that mean God likes you better than that other guy? Should Drew have been more vocal in her Jesus-love? Would that have taken her further? Sigh.

Steve does an awkward shuffle to the side of the stage, which is probably so the cameras don’t catch the stage manager scurrying onstage to yank Mel’s loving family back to the wings. She’s being forced to sing one…last…time. And as she begins, surprise surprise -

So she didn’t see that massive choir hiding backstage?

I mean, she would’ve known it wasn’t there for Josh, who would’ve been singing his rendition of ‘At Last,’ which would’ve been a wee bit less elaborate than this extravaganza, right? Anyway.

As Mel starts singing a tearful version of ‘Listen,’ a close-up reveals the result of all that familial love.

Heh heh…yowch.

Since the hair and make-up people can’t walk out on the stage to fix her up, they send the top twelve contestants out to surround Melanie to distract us all from her hot mess.

Yay, we all win!!

Well, gang….THAT IS IT!!!!!  Oh my dear lord, we are DONE with season one of this show – woooooooooo!!! How do you feel? Are you done reeling from the SHOCKING conclusion yet? Have you bought anyone’s song off of iTunes? I’ll admit that I have, but I’ll keep which contestants to myself (though I’m sure you could probably guess by now).

Thank you all so much for reading and taking this looooooooong journey with myself and IceQueen! Much love to ya and have a HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON!!!   MWAH!!