X Factor Recap: “Two Acts, One Spot”

Let’s play a game, Gasmii. It’s called Marry, Bang, Kill. You all know that one, right? Which of the three X Factor finalists would you marry, bang and kill? My initial thought was “kill ‘em all and Simon Cowell for bringing this abortion of a music competition to the US” but that’s sort of cheating. We’ll get to my picks at the end of the recap. In the meantime, here’s what happened when you fell asleep after the apocalyptic show open.

Intros: You’re doing it wrong.

Before we say hi to the judges — and their guest gymnast — a wooden Ken Doll marches out first. To add to the “kill” list: the person who came up with the idea of Steve Jones making an “X” with his arms every time he opens the show. Take that shit back to Wales. We have enough problems with gangs around here. What if there was an “X” gang that went around throwing up the X, singing awkwardly, jacking cars and speaking of the wisdom of Nicole Scherzinger late at night in secret meeting places. “What would Nicole Scherzinger do?” they’d ask themselves when they had a hard decision to make. The answer: murder and booty poppin’. Always murder and booty poppin’.

Anyway, the Nutcracker tells us that just three of the remaining four contestants will make it to next week’s finals and here to help them through are their mentors: Lipsmackers, Melon Head, Derp, and Sir Evil, who appears to be even more sinister when he slowly strokes his own chest hair onstage.

In a season of uninspired and truly terrible mashups, the live group performance really stands out as a cold puddle of kitty vomit. The final four do a remix of Blackstreet’s “No Diggity” and Tears for Fears’s “Shout.” And wow is it bad. If this is the best that The X Factor has to offer, they should just burn that stage to the ground now.

We finally understand why the group performances were pre-recorded in previous weeks. No one seems to know the lyrics, the timing or the pitch of the song. Chris comes in with his lyrics a verse early and has to start over, Josh forgets the words, Melanie’s offkey and Marcus becomes the cream that rises to… the middle.

This about sums it up.

When it’s all over, Steve Jones comes on stage and calls them all “wonderfully talented people” and then immediately bursts into flames, the chemicals that make up the shiny coating on his tight suit making the fire burn hot and bright. He also threatens to come back next year with a chance for you to audition for the second season of the show. I encourage you all to try out. If this season has taught us one thing, it’s that mediocrity will receive a warm welcome on this show.

Since we have some time to kill, there are about three different recaps of the performance night show. To spice things up, The X Factor has placed cheap webcams in the homes of ordinary, attention-deprived Americans so that we can watch them watch and react to Wednesday night’s show. Here’s how the performance recap broke down:

Marcus Canty started off with a sexy/corny/zombie performance of “I’ll Make Love to You,” complete with a rose for the ladiez. When Simon Cowell critiqued the Walking Dead extras that were used on stage, the webcam people were outraged. Outraged, I tell you! How dare he! they said. How dare he, a television show judge, express his judgments on a television show?! We are the 99%! they said. Occupy Simon!

Chris Rene did — sigh — Sugar Ray’s “Fly.” You guys. That song. That song was out when I was in high school. It defined an entire summer for me and I loved it. It should never be played again. Chris sounded terrible, as usual, but Paula thought it had a lot of heart and that’s what this show is all ab– oh wait. It’s not. Nevermind.

Melanie Amaro did an overly earnest version of Mariah Carey’s “Hero.” LA Reid didn’t feel the passion. America, what is your response to this? The gentleman from Florida speaks for us all: “oh, don’t even go there!” Paula actually had a valid, informed piece of criticism: they changed the major chords to minor chords, which made the song sad.

Josh Krajcik sang “Come Together” and the judges loved it. America loved it, too, judging by the blurry, amateur porn-quality webcam video.

Marcus’s second song was a totally unnecessary techno remix of “Never Gonna Dance Again.” Guilty feet may have no rhythm, but that didn’t stop Average-American-Family-Not-Actors-Paid-By-Pepsi from dancing anyway. Their awkward, silent dancing actually served to highlight the fact that they had a table full of Pepsi cans. Some junior marketing exec got paid an awful lot of money to come up with this idea…. Anyway, Paula liked Marcus’s song but Simon thought it was horrific.

Chris’s second song was Alicia Keys’s “No One” and the judges said that he might be the dark horse in the competition. Nothing like a back-handed compliment to make you feel confident, right? We thought you sucked and wouldn’t make it this far, but you’ve really shocked us and just might win this thing, totally undeservedly, you talentless cunt.

Melanie sang “Feeling Good” and LA called her the greatest female to ever grace that stage. Listen, I know nothing about where they’re performing and so I’m not sure how to take that comment. Are they using a stage that is often used by great artists? Or are they in a space that, until the X Factor came along, was used for selling meth and buying $5 handies? Because if it’s the former, that’s quite a compliment and if it’s that latter, well… meh.

Nicole thought it was the Melanie Amaro freedom anthem and she couldn’t figure out why it sounded so similar to the Weight Watchers theme song, but whatevs, she really liked it and hopes Melanie writes more songs like it.

Josh’s second song was “Hallelujah” and the web-scam family waved their cell phones around like they were lighters. Idiots. LA thought the performance lacked excitement, which is strange given that that’s such an upbeat and exciting song, right? But it made Paula cry. Other things that made Paula cry on Wednesday: a cookie, deodorant, the FedEx Guy, a plastic bag being blown around by the wind.

After the performance recaps are out of the way, it’s time for the first professional performance of the night. Florence + The Machine perform “Spectrum.” I like Florence. She has a nice voice and she proves that you don’t have to be cute or wear a bra or have a comforting voice to be successful. But what about The Machine? Where is it and why does it have to stay hidden during Florence’s performance?

This song is about Florence looking into her many bedroom mirrors and wondering if it would be ok to go without a bra today. I mean, we’ve all been there, right ladies? The bra just doesn’t look right with some dresses and you have to stop and ask yourself how cold it’s going to be at your destination; whether you’ll have to run or go down the stairs at any point; what’s the likelihood of someone spilling a pitcher of beer on your tits and then turning on some Whitesnake and then helping you up on top of the bar and, gosh, you’re not really a dancer but maybe a little shimmy here a little shake their won’t hurt, and what would Nicole Scherzinger do? And then you’ll have your answer: pop that booty, girl.

Back to Florence + her so-called Machine. They finish their vibrato-laden song and then Steve marches out woodenly and says wow, Florence has a remarkable voice, and then he’s done for awhile.

Hey, you guys! Did you forget how the judges feel about each artist? Just in case you forgot, they’re going to tell us all over again. Hey, those commercials aren’t going to sell themselves, right?

OMG, did you forget who’s on the show, too?! Silly! You need to stop smoking so much weed! Well, don’t worry, Steve introduces us to the contestants all over again. And over his shoulder, we can see that an audience member has created a creepily-drawn giant poster of Melanie Amaro. Excellent, she’s the first one to have a stalker.

OK, time to eliminate one of these suckers. Steve tells us that, in no particular order, the finalists are… Chris Rene. <rewind noises> W.T.F. people. How did this happen??? How did you let this happen?? He is THA worst. He’s a nice guy with a compelling story, but he’s not an awesome singer or performer yet. Bugh.

The faces of shock.

Melanie Amaro is also through to the finale, leaving Josh and Marcus vying for the last spot. Ordinarily I’d say that we all know where this is headed, but this show has been pretty shocking the last couple of weeks. OK, before we can find out who’s headed home, one of the egomaniacal judges wants to share her pet project with us.

Nicole is singing her song “Pretty” from the album she’s still working on. It’s a song about getting dumped even though she’s really pretty. Yes, life is super hard for beautiful, wealthy people. They’re forced to date all kinds of assholes. Anyway, she’s over it. She doesn’t wanna be pretty no more. She just wants to sing in a bikini top and wear lots of makeup.

It’s sucks being so hot, ya’ll.

When she’s done with her angry singing, Steve asks the judges to critique her work. Simon says that since he’s sitting in Nicole’s seat at the judges’ table, he’s going to judge like she does: “I believe in you, you believe in me. You transcend the universe. God is smiling on you. Life is a waterfall and you are the ultimate rainbow.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is perfection. Simon has moved off my kill list and onto my marry list. Steve asks the audience what they thought of his girlfriend’s performance and there’s a lot screaming and they hurl empty Natty Light cans and lit cigarette butts at the stage and Steve calls that a “big thumbs up all around!”

There’s no survival singoff in the semi-finals — the results are decided by votes only. Congratulations panel of professional judges. You’ve fucked up so many times, average, non-musician Americans are going to pick the winner of this thing.

We check in with Chris and Melanie, who are already celebrating their non-eliminated status. Chris is thankful for all of the “Ren-aliens” who put him through. Your fan club is lame, dude. Also, they should be called “Chris-topheles” since you apparently made a deal with the devil to get here. Yes, motherfuckers, I just used a Faustian reference. And what?

Meanwhile, Melanie since to have lost her Virgin Islands accent somewhere between needing your votes and getting your votes.

The final two are brought out with their mentors, and personally I think that Marcus should just be eliminated based on his outfit alone.

“Two acts, one spot,” Steve reminds, invoking images of sapphic love and chocolate soft serve. The final act headed to the finale is… Josh “The Burrito Man” Krajcik!

Marcus Canty tells us not to worry because this isn’t the last we’ve seen of him. I’m sure. No one will remember your name in six weeks, fool! And that was the show!

So… marry, bang, kill. Out of the remaining contestants, I’d have to marry Chris, because he’s the most likable. He may not have much talent, but the kid’s got all the charm that’s left on the show. Apparently, that counts for something to Americans who vote for things by telephone. I’d bang Melanie because I think she’s going to win and I could use a little extra cash, Herman Cain-style. Also, I think her switching accents could be hot. Unfortunately, this means Josh would have to go. I hate to say it because I love burritos and big, hairy men, but I need him to bring more to the table than grease, scruff and a baby Joe Cocker growl. Sorry, man.

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